Hello People,
It has been a long time since i posted or read on this site. We seem to take two steps forward then we go ten steps back, this is so frustrating and debilitating. I feel like i can't take anymore, anymore. Somedays i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up to see the s*** that he has created in our lives. He made such a mess of everything and just wants me to believe and trust in him. I don't even trust in myself anymore, I recently started drinking again after two+ yrs of sobriety, THIS IS SICK BUT, to relieve my daily stresses so i could sleep. I was also using to manipulate him into remembering what it feels like to watch someone you love self-destructing in front of your eyes. I don't know what i am thinking anymore, not much makes any sense anymore, Just gotta make it another day. Irony of this is, he says he is clean again and wishes i wouldn't drink anymore and that he cannot be around me when i am using. Yet he used to snort his o/c's in front of me knowing it hurt me so much. My mind is a mess and i think i may have to go away to treatment again or something. I know i have to do something before things get even worses.
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respectfully,
Donna
Hi Donna;
You need to reclaim your sanity, one day at a time. I just came from an NA meeting and the topic was resentments. Sounds like maybe this is something you could share at a meeting yourself. Do you go to AA or NA? When we hang onto resentment and anger it's never a good result.
Take care;
Jim
You need to reclaim your sanity, one day at a time. I just came from an NA meeting and the topic was resentments. Sounds like maybe this is something you could share at a meeting yourself. Do you go to AA or NA? When we hang onto resentment and anger it's never a good result.
Take care;
Jim
donna,
I am sooo sorry you are going through this and that you have relapsed after have won that clean time.... but I have some thoughts and I hope you are ready to hear them.... they are said with love.... ok..
one of the first rules that people that are couple in recovery is that your recovery is your recovery..... if he used in front of you when you were clean and it bothered you then it was your responsiblity to take steps to make that right ... either leave the direct area at the time he was actually snorting or whatever ... even though my personal opinion is that he was soooo wrong and sick (addiction makes us do sick things as we are sick when actively using..) to do that with no regard... it was your responsiblity... your accountable ... not him....
secondly... as for the relapse itself... you are again accountable for that too... circumstanses make it hard some times for us to stay clean but we still have a choice to not pick up once we are clean it is a choice... no one makes us... and manipulation is part of the disease of addiction and co-dependancy.. ( ill hurt you by hurting me..)... so it will do you no good to blame him for your relapse either.. at 2 years you had the tools to avoid this.. you just werent equipt enough to want to use them.....
and as far as his not wanting to be around you with you using.. well he is taking a proactive stance for his recovery .. that is a good thing... it may not feel good to you and you are angry that he didnt do that "for' you but he is making his recovery a priority and his responsiblity.. you need to make yours yours....
if you need to go to treatment again then you need to go ... this can be a very good learning experience that can make you both stronger but you have to recognize that this can also leave resentments if you dont deal with them....
take things one day at a time.. be kind to yourself and start with today and get help... find an AA meeting.... make some decisions.... talk... the blame game is counter productive at this point....
God bless... I believe in you....
Teresa
oh btw.. you need to do all this even if he isnt really clean....
I am sooo sorry you are going through this and that you have relapsed after have won that clean time.... but I have some thoughts and I hope you are ready to hear them.... they are said with love.... ok..
one of the first rules that people that are couple in recovery is that your recovery is your recovery..... if he used in front of you when you were clean and it bothered you then it was your responsiblity to take steps to make that right ... either leave the direct area at the time he was actually snorting or whatever ... even though my personal opinion is that he was soooo wrong and sick (addiction makes us do sick things as we are sick when actively using..) to do that with no regard... it was your responsiblity... your accountable ... not him....
secondly... as for the relapse itself... you are again accountable for that too... circumstanses make it hard some times for us to stay clean but we still have a choice to not pick up once we are clean it is a choice... no one makes us... and manipulation is part of the disease of addiction and co-dependancy.. ( ill hurt you by hurting me..)... so it will do you no good to blame him for your relapse either.. at 2 years you had the tools to avoid this.. you just werent equipt enough to want to use them.....
and as far as his not wanting to be around you with you using.. well he is taking a proactive stance for his recovery .. that is a good thing... it may not feel good to you and you are angry that he didnt do that "for' you but he is making his recovery a priority and his responsiblity.. you need to make yours yours....
if you need to go to treatment again then you need to go ... this can be a very good learning experience that can make you both stronger but you have to recognize that this can also leave resentments if you dont deal with them....
take things one day at a time.. be kind to yourself and start with today and get help... find an AA meeting.... make some decisions.... talk... the blame game is counter productive at this point....
God bless... I believe in you....
Teresa
oh btw.. you need to do all this even if he isnt really clean....
