Hits Keep Coming

My daughter and I had a really long talk yesterday ending with both of us in tears. She went to her dads last night. When I got up this morning she was packing her bags and getting ready to move out. We both hit on topics that needed to be talked about eons ago.

Now she is gone. I ask you, how much more can I take???
I've got no wisdom and I know you must be hurting right now. I do know that using will make things worse.

Throughout life, you've probably heard all of the "comforting" words people use during times of pain.......it's hard to believe them, but in time the situation WILL. Get better!

Remember your strength.
thanks Jer

Not going to use. I just honestly don't know how more I can take.
Hi foggy sorry to hear about your daughter. Its just a transition and you just have to change with it. She wont disappear and she will always be your daughter. They seem to think differently once they get a bit older.

Hang in there.

God Bless....
Dear foggy,
OMG, I have asked myself that question so many times.
Over the years I have come in contact with a bunch of recovering addicts. What I have learned is that we are very strong, inteeligent people who can make it through so many different situations as long as keeping recovery the number one priority.

It sounds like your daughter is in a safe place right now. I have 2 daughters 20 and 21 years old. I learned it was best for me to let them go and accept them for who they are. Their path in life was not what I wanted or expected from them. I realized no matter what I said or did they were going to do it their way anyways. They had to learn from their own mistakes. I had to pray that their Higher Power take care of them....And so far so good.

I have been following your story and I am very proud of how far you have come.
Keep sharing and maybe attend a few more meetings if you can.
Thinking and praying for both of you.
Dawn
Hang in there.I'm sorry but I have the forgot the details of the problems with her.
I'm sorry Foggy. I hope you can keep the dialog open between your daughter and your ex. Sometimes a little space can give everyone a new perspective. It is good that you were able to talk to each other about your feelings. I will say some prayers for you because I know you are struggling.

One thing i know for sure is that if you stay clean things will get better.
Froggy, John Bradshaw is a guy who wrote some pretty good books about family dysfunction. He suggests that the Steps are a way to reverse the damage of family dysfunction.

He analogizes family members to separate objects on a childs Mobile. Touch one object, and they all move. That which impacts one family member impacts them all in one way or another. In a dysfunctional family (and all families touched by addiction are dysfunctional) family members make huge efforts to make sure the mobile never moves. They manipulate, manage, and control to maintain a status quo, always unsuccessfully. This is very unhealthy.

Addiction is a symptom of family dysfunction. That is why we like to say that it is a family disease.

The upshot is that when the identified patient (the addict) starts getting healthier, the Mobile starts moving again and this is hugely threatening to the other family members. They will often go to great lengths to try to preserve the status quo, including controlling, manipulating, and acting out.

Your daughter is confused by all the changes going on in your life. She is unsure of what this means vis--vis your relationship with her, and it may be that it is easier for her to simply stick her head in the sand, stay in denial, blame you and cut ties. That was certainly the approach I used (use) with my family.

She has at least a 50/50 chance of falling into addiction. The odds are much higher that she will have co-dependency issues. Most addicts are co-dependents, but not all co-dependents are addicts. It is likely that she will seek relationships with those with addiction problems. Sorry to be the messenger, but this is what you and every other addict faces as a part of the disease. This is the wreckage of the past. It does not even come close to a reason to use.

I could tell you horror stories. My wifes eldest was a terror for yearsenough to keep me at a distance. She acted out constantly and was very resentful of AA in general, and her mother specifically. Things have changed. She is growing to maturity, and even invited us over for Mothers Day dinner this year. Things do change, but time takes time.

This too shall pass. Using may offer some short term relief in giving her a false sense of normalcy. It will not last. Dysfunction destroys families and addiction destroys lives.

I know I sound like a broken record but your best way through this is to get a sponsor and work the steps. My apologies for being repetitive, but you are worth the nagging. You can only imagine how shocked I am to run into an addict that wants to do it her way and avoid real help and change.

Hang in there. Let us know how you are doing.

Good luck.
Dear Foggy...../First Im so sorry you seem to bne having one of those ..."BAD" times.Im also sorry for not really knowing all that is happening.Ive been having problems staying online lately(dang computers)

I do know a couple things...sometimes as far as our children go....we have to accept that we've taught them about all we could.And a time comesfor them to take what we've taught them and apply or not apply those lessons to thier own lives.
I myself know how hard it is NOT to worry,not to want to keep them home where I know they are safe & loved.But I guess this happens to every mom at sometime.keeping the line of communication open has GOT to be the most important thing.No matter what our childrenn need to know they can come to us with whatever they need to & we will be there to catch them if they fall,hold them if they cry,listen if they need to vent.

Thats my take on letting go as they grow,
Now for the useing part.I dont think you will but I do need to say I totally get it.It seems sometimes that the harder I work at staying clean & sober...the harder life seems to come at me & test me.Could it be a test for ourselves?Possiably.
I know (lately)Ive really had relaping on my mind.Hurtful things getting to feel too painful to bare.And oh yes...times of pitying myself.However as I try & work through those feelings I realize just how HARD its been,how strong I must be,& most of all how much better I feel about how far Ive come.At those times I realize "relaping"though its possiable...its just NOT who I am anymore.I dont think its you anymore either.
As hard as this period in your life may seem....please try to remember that life whether we are addicts or not addicts...life comes in waves.....you have moments & times where things are so great,than you have the other side of hard times & heartaches...Maybe in the end it all balances,,,,but we all must go through the bad to really enjoy the good
my thoughts are with you
mj
Aw Hilary...how many hits can you take? More. Because there's probably going to be more. What you're doing right now is learning how to feel and deal. Something you're not used too. You self medicated to not feel any of that kind of hurt, contention etc...now you have to deal with it. And you will.

Stay close to your program...you will get through this.

Maybe it's as simple as your daughter just needing a break..things have been pretty heavy at home for awhile. We forget how our addiction and recovery effects those closest to us. Keep loving her, keep talking to her.
My children were taken away from me by social services, while I was new to recovery. It hurt like a hurt I never knew. The good news about this, was that I was free to devote every ounce of energy I could muster to my recovery. Perhaps, a shift in perception may help? I know you are hurting, but look at the wonderful opportunity you have to journey on in your recovery - sponsor, steps, meetings, etc.

Take it from one who has been there - the best thing you can do for your fear, anger, and pain, is stay in the light of recovery.

Hugs and tons of encouragement to you, sweetie ~

Sammy
I'm in so much pain I can't see straight. When she told me she was leaving, my world just came crashing down. She fought tooth and nail to be able to live 24/7 with me and not at her dads. They have a great relationship, I just happen to live in the city and he in the country. Nothing to do with personalities etc.

She told me Saturday that she is cutting herself again. Big problem 2 1/2 yrs ago, depression, the works. I told her things I"ve done. Told her I'm sorry she feels like Im never home now but I need this right now.

The big thing that started it all was, and this is going to sound so selfish of me, I know. I let on that I have all this support at home. I don't!!!! (except for that note on that bottle of rum) I've never gotten "mom, I'm proud of you" "wow mom thats awesome you earned that chip" "good going mom" NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH. I come home so proud of my chips and I get "oh" then attention goes back to what ever they were doing. Nothing in 97 days!!!!! It hurts like bloody hell!!!!!! This convo led to others and well......

I haven't been going to meetings. I slept last week for 48 hours. Depression is getting a hold of me.

August...I emailed this woman and asked her to be my sponsor. She has been reaching out to me. I'm waiting to hear back.

Thats it in a nutshell folks.
Hang in there Foggy. Im really sorry your feeling like this but you will still be able to see your daughter right? Its probably really good for you right now. Now you can go to your meetings and get the support you need without having to worry. Just another thing happening for a reason. Its just a bit of a change for now. Dont be affraid of it. Embrace it and move with it
Froggy,

Sammy laid out a solution for all your problems and woes....I copied it in case you didn't grasp it all the first time.

Perhaps, a shift in perception may help? I know you are hurting, but look at the wonderful opportunity you have to journey on in your recovery - sponsor, steps, meetings, etc.

Take it from one who has been there - the best thing you can do for your fear, anger, and pain, is stay in the light of recovery.


Quitting the pills was only the very beginning of recovery for me....the shift in perception, the release of the past, the freedom to love myself for who I am and not have expectations on others to fulfill some need in me came while working the steps.

It's been suggested, by a couple different people, to reach out and get a sponsor, the reason is for exactly what is going on right now in your life, all the changes and we need sponsor's to help us, guide us otherwise, for me, I would be overwhelmed, over stressed, overly sensitive and I'd fall back on the one crutch I was confortable with, pills......

Pick up the phone and call the lady you emailed and ask her to be your sponsor. Let her know exactly what you shared above, this is a deadly disease and it's working on you....

Embrace recovery, jump in and let God worry about all the others in your life.

xoxo
Stacey
Yes a shift in perception

One she isnt doing this to hurt you, dont take it personal this isnt easy on kids and it does have a lot to do with that dysfunctional family unit august talked of.

So how about a shift like this, she need more right now, and went in search of what she thinks she needs, that isnt such a bad thing, and I hope that your ex knows that she is cutting again as that is important and maybe be a bit proud of yourself for not stopping her for any selfish reasons. It looks like you have a good ex to be grateful too as well, she has a safe place to go
If she needs to run, let her run, in her time she will find her way

Her seeking out what she thinks she needs is not much different than you seeking out what you know now that you need.dont feel guilty for seeking out help

Good luck
Love,
Tina
Froggy, your addict is telling you to isolate. It knows that isolating is the surest way back to using. Combine it with self pity, and it is nearly a sure fire thing recipe for relapse.

She is a 17 year old. They are not capable of being interested in anything but themselves. That is why we have to go to meetings. Many folks here, Jer comes to mind immediately, can tell you that often there is little support on the home front, and sometimes there are efforts to undermine you.

It is not fair for us to expect support from a family immersed in dysfunction. She is ready to fly the nest, and painful though it may be, that is her destiny. You have made some wonderful choices regarding your own destiny, and I believe that those choices are stronger the pain you are feeling right now. I will close with a passage from The Prophet.

Hang in there, let us know how you are doing.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
August, I love you...you made me cry, but i love you

ribbet ribbet
Well I love you too, froggy, and I am not the only one. Hang in there. Check out Sammy's and Stacey's posts on this thread. They are both very wise.
Hilary,

I just got this in my email, I was just logging off for the day but when I read it, I wanted to share it with you..............

AA Thought for the Day
(courtesy AAOnline.net)

April 19, 2010

Isolation


Isolation sneaks up on us.
We can mask it with familiar props that are not in themselves bad.
We can isolate ourselves in an attempt to clean up our apartments (and then not do the cleaning); we can isolate ourselves in churches or in sleep;we can use family, sweethearts, compulsive working, television. The list is long. The nicest way to end it is the way you and I do: together.
Reach out -- people can't read your mind.
Say ouch! Someone hears. Always.

- The Best of the Grapevine [Vol. 1], pp. 84-85



Thought to Ponder . . .

An alcoholic is someone who wants to be held while isolating.

I'm on my way home and then off to my Monday night meeting. You're in my prayers, I'm hoping you make it to a meeting tonight and share, reach out.

Much respect,
Stacey


I know it doesn"t help right now, but my wife often talks about how she pulled away from her parents when she was 17...........spent four or five years as far away as she could get...........fast forward and she can't go more than four or five HOURS without talking to her mom (it's actually annoying). My wife was dealing with simalar "stuff" at that time....severe depression etc......work on YOURSELF and your recovery so your relationship can grow when she is ready!

You've gotten some wonderful advice here!

Jer