Hi Everyone;
It's been a pretty bumpy ride for me and my recovery this week. No surprise really because one year ago at this time I was out of control. The drugs, and then the impulsiveness with money. I had gone into my 401K and taken several thousand dollars to feed my habit and to buy Christmas presents for my wife and kids (that way I wasn't such a bad guy, right?). Wrong.
So it's kind of hard right now because it seems so fresh, like it was just last week. I was sharing this with my drug counselor yesterday, and it's just like we've all heard before...drip, drip, drip, and pretty soon it's the broken shoe lace that sets us off.
Even though I feel pretty good overall I'm upping my recovery program a notch or two during the holidays in order to stay on the straight and narrow this month. I got to a lunchtime NA meeting earlier today, and picked up my 60 day keychain. The discussion today was all about "recovery first", and it's just so great to hear people share their expereince, stength and hope. It's comforting to realize we're not alone. Even though I know this to be true, my mind is easily distracted. This is the 1st week since I got clean 2 1/2 months ago that I had real thoughts of using. Nothing I acted on, but still enough to concern me, and enough to get my butt to a meeting.
I know this time of year is difficult for many of us. So I pray that one day at a time we all get through this clean and sober. It really is a better way to live, but man this disease is sneaky. Stay strong, work a program, the steps, pray, do whatever it takes. For me, I've said this many times before, but it is such a "disease of the mind". Complaceny and isolation aren't options at this time of year.
Take care everyone;
Jim
JR,
Great job on 60 days!! And great post!
Take care......................................God bless....................................Bob
Great job on 60 days!! And great post!
Take care......................................God bless....................................Bob
Jim- GREAT post and congrats on 60 days..
JR,
Like you, last year at this time I was in full blown self destructive addiction and would and did anything to satisfy my disease. I justified everything that I did, even though I knew it was wrong. I will soon have a year clean and should be feeling good about that, but for some reason the cravings lately have been unreal. The holidays are a rough time for us addicts so I think maybe it is this plus I know that my brain chemistry is still changing. I'm doing what I have learned to do to fight those cravings and stay clean and sober,,,,for today, cause that is all I really have anyway. There is no cure for this disease but it can be managed and thank God I have the tools to do that now.
Congrats on your 60 days, that is a big milemarker. I'm proud of you. Keep up the good work and keep smiling.
God bless,
Like you, last year at this time I was in full blown self destructive addiction and would and did anything to satisfy my disease. I justified everything that I did, even though I knew it was wrong. I will soon have a year clean and should be feeling good about that, but for some reason the cravings lately have been unreal. The holidays are a rough time for us addicts so I think maybe it is this plus I know that my brain chemistry is still changing. I'm doing what I have learned to do to fight those cravings and stay clean and sober,,,,for today, cause that is all I really have anyway. There is no cure for this disease but it can be managed and thank God I have the tools to do that now.
Congrats on your 60 days, that is a big milemarker. I'm proud of you. Keep up the good work and keep smiling.
God bless,
Jim, I am in the same boat...last dec 13 was when I checked in to rehab. Christmas sucks for me too; I am away from my family and totally lonely.
But at least this year I am not on vics and drunk. Thank God.
What day are you on?? I am sending you positive vibes....just pray and be kind to yourself. Remember that the game isn't over, we have a second chance.
I have to get to work, but keep us posted....
Kerry
But at least this year I am not on vics and drunk. Thank God.
What day are you on?? I am sending you positive vibes....just pray and be kind to yourself. Remember that the game isn't over, we have a second chance.
I have to get to work, but keep us posted....
Kerry
jr stay strong and keep up the good work
Jim, great message. Last year this time, I was just beginning to order Norcos online. In the next 5 months, I worked up to as much as 20-30 a day. Absolute insanity. Not a lot of genuine feeling occurred during those months. My life was pill-driven. For me, the Holidays present more moments of emotion, feeling, social interaction, family....both good and bad.....my default is to want to get numb. So your caution is timely. Thanks. M.
Jim...this is so me. I totally get where you're coming from. I have never in 25 years, that I can remember, been clean during the holidays. Doing it clean this year is scaring the hell out of me. My only solution is more meetings and more phone calls. Writing to Sharon, Bob and Teresa also helped get me through Thanksgiving. I wanted to use so bad. Having felt that strong of a craving in 7 months. Holy crap.
I'm glad you brought this up...let's keep it going all through Christmas and New Years to help eachother. We have one in our little community here that hates Christmas so much that I am worried. She knows who she is and we will keep talking about it, won't we?
Love you all
Lisa
I'm glad you brought this up...let's keep it going all through Christmas and New Years to help eachother. We have one in our little community here that hates Christmas so much that I am worried. She knows who she is and we will keep talking about it, won't we?
Love you all
Lisa
I really want pills during the holidays, too. I was stressed out on Thanksgiving and I thought, if I just had a pill I could "enjoy" this day! Is that messed up or what! But I ended up having an OK time. Christmas is the same way. I am thankful that I will watch my children open their gifts and feel REAL joy and excitement for them. But I am also a little scared. I was usually high on Christmas, and I don't want cravings to "interfere" and make me depressed. I just have to think the good thoughts, not the bad ones!
To that person that Cowgirl was referring to (wink), I heard an old song the other night that made me think of you. I'm not usually a country music fan, but this one was such a classic. Check out some of these words.
And now
I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'da had to miss the dance
Don't miss your dance. Anyway, just thinking of you. Love, Kat
And now
I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'da had to miss the dance
Don't miss your dance. Anyway, just thinking of you. Love, Kat
Jim, I can't believe that I relapsed right before the holidays.... I hated last Christmas that I had to take my "medicine" before I could wake my son up to show him what Santa brought.... I hate the fact that I have to get up from the dinner table where my entire family has gathered b/c it is time for my next "dose".... and I hate being at Christmas parties where everyone is talking and laughing and I'm watching the clock, counting the minutes until I can take my pills again....
I do not want anyone's pity - I do this to myself. This morning, I held the bottle in my hands over the toilet & was going to flush them, but swallowed three pills even as I told myself allowed "I am not going to take them." I am not a victim. I have a disease, but it is a disease that I can control (unlike having cancer).... I just need a lot of prayers and I need to find that thing in me that WANTS to get clean just like before...
I do not want anyone's pity - I do this to myself. This morning, I held the bottle in my hands over the toilet & was going to flush them, but swallowed three pills even as I told myself allowed "I am not going to take them." I am not a victim. I have a disease, but it is a disease that I can control (unlike having cancer).... I just need a lot of prayers and I need to find that thing in me that WANTS to get clean just like before...
Talk about triggers....yesterday I had to drive to a local FedEx hub to sign for a package (tickets for today's game), and it was like a flashback from hell. Fellow OPs users can perhaps relate.
Danielle, I will pray for your willingness, as you ask. It sounds like you are almoooosssst there......getting ready to flush.....sick and tired of the hydro grind.....counting pills. I can so relate to where you are. I only wish I could do more. Someone once told me that Faith wasn't jumping from Point A to Point B, it was jumping from Point A. Jump! Love, M.
Danielle, I will pray for your willingness, as you ask. It sounds like you are almoooosssst there......getting ready to flush.....sick and tired of the hydro grind.....counting pills. I can so relate to where you are. I only wish I could do more. Someone once told me that Faith wasn't jumping from Point A to Point B, it was jumping from Point A. Jump! Love, M.
Danielle, girl, I wish that I could write something magical here....uuuummmm.....my brain is trying to find the right thing to say...
You will know in your heart that it is time. You will be done. You got some time free of the opiate monkey.....wasn't that better than the hell?
This stuff is a b****. I would be probably back had I not cut the sources...just shows you how powerful Watson is...But I just know know know that I would regret it. I don't want to go back. But the temptation of just one more time is a b****.
Anyway, hang in there, we all love you...and flush flush flush....
Kerry
You will know in your heart that it is time. You will be done. You got some time free of the opiate monkey.....wasn't that better than the hell?
This stuff is a b****. I would be probably back had I not cut the sources...just shows you how powerful Watson is...But I just know know know that I would regret it. I don't want to go back. But the temptation of just one more time is a b****.
Anyway, hang in there, we all love you...and flush flush flush....
Kerry
JR,
I am so glad you brought up this Topic. I too, cannot remember a holiday where I have not used "pills", whether it's for a migraine, back pain, it was always something. It is encouraging for us, that are still working on "getting clean" to be able to think ahead and take some great advice for the future. Meetings, Sponsors, etc. Thank you very much. I remember we came to the Board around the same time this year. CONGRADULATIONS ON 60 DAYS!!!!!!! If I remember right, you were on Oxycontin???? It is so nice to see (or read), what a different person you are!!! Thanks again. Take care, Best Wishes
Danielle,
You are ALMOST there!!!! Your honesty and accountability, helps and reminds me how important it is. We are all struggling to get through this, one day at a time. I hope you can continue to get the support and soon, you will be off the "pills" and clean. You are so close. Thanks for sharing, my thoughts are with you. Take care, Best Wishes
I am so glad you brought up this Topic. I too, cannot remember a holiday where I have not used "pills", whether it's for a migraine, back pain, it was always something. It is encouraging for us, that are still working on "getting clean" to be able to think ahead and take some great advice for the future. Meetings, Sponsors, etc. Thank you very much. I remember we came to the Board around the same time this year. CONGRADULATIONS ON 60 DAYS!!!!!!! If I remember right, you were on Oxycontin???? It is so nice to see (or read), what a different person you are!!! Thanks again. Take care, Best Wishes
Danielle,
You are ALMOST there!!!! Your honesty and accountability, helps and reminds me how important it is. We are all struggling to get through this, one day at a time. I hope you can continue to get the support and soon, you will be off the "pills" and clean. You are so close. Thanks for sharing, my thoughts are with you. Take care, Best Wishes
Yup....no pills for Christmas shopping...no pills for late night Christmas wrapping presents, watching movies, watching a weekend slip by, etc. This will be my first Xmas Holidays with nothing. Well, I managed to get by Thanksgiving, so I guess I will survive. I feel better knowing I am not the only one.
OMG........it's uncanny how some of us all think alike. I had been stuggling with having to get through "all the holiday stuff" straight. I haven't had a clean Christmas in about 8 years. My son is 9. (Also have 22 year old daughter). I have really been worried about how I will accomplish everything I usually do in my current state of no energy. But, I have been working on letting a lot of my usual holiday worries go, and it's working. Things have always been so perfect and overdone because I had all the extra energy and enthusiasm. Well, it's not here now, but I believe I will have the first "real" Christmas with just the right amount ot preparedness in years.
Also, I always overspent majorly while using. Not just at Christmas, but all year through. I would go shopping constantly and everything just seemed like such a great item I couldn't live without, I bought, bought and bought some more. Now that I am clean, I look around me and wonder where the h*** all this stuff came from! I am sure our Christmas bill will be half the usual amount, and probably no one will notice except my husband and me. Meaning, all the money I spent before was on useless stuff we didn't need.
Take care!
Tride- Talk about useless stuff..if you could see my garage..it's bursting at the seems..I didn't buy it though..my wife did..and you ladies want to talk about closet space? Why does she have 4 big closets and I have one little one..and thats only 1/4 of her clothes...now shoes...I always say "Men need three pairs. Black, brown, and tennis" Why DO women need 50 pais of shoes. My wife has even more. What IS it with you ladies..hehehe
Plus, I keep trying to throw things out, like outfits of hers from 1985, but she won't let me.
Plus, I keep trying to throw things out, like outfits of hers from 1985, but she won't let me.
I don't even want to see the outfits from '85....lol...
Tried, I just got a major craving...
My little addict head said "eight years!! Well, maybe I have 4 and a half more to go and then I will get clean..."
Sick, isn't it?
kerry
Tried, I just got a major craving...
My little addict head said "eight years!! Well, maybe I have 4 and a half more to go and then I will get clean..."
Sick, isn't it?
kerry
The SAD part is my wife threw out MY 80's stuff the first year we were married.
Did you have a perm? lol...my dad did. He looked absoultey ridiculous...
