Honesty

Alcohol
1
I spent most of the weekend drunk. my sister called me on Saturday, both my brothers were visiting her, and my cousins, and everyone was having fun there and I felt so far away from them all, and it really depresssed me. And none of my friends were around so I was so lonely and i couldnt check the boards bc no internet. so I loaded up on booze and holed up at home and basically drank from saturday afternoon through last night. I at least drank alot of water last night before bed and took some exedrin (no way was i missing work bc of a hangover, need the $) so Im not feeling quite as ill as I probably should be but Im still not feeling so hot. My hands are really shaky, thats never happeneed before, freaks me out. Sometimes I just feel like Im completely alone and that makes me really sad. no relationship (broke up with bf awhile back, just never really mentioned it, it was mutuall and the right thing to do) seems like all my friends drink or use something and i just feel in a rut. Not that drinking helped but it sure seemd like a good idea at the time, but then i guess it always does.

i thought about avoiding the boards for awhile so I could avoid admittting it but Id have to be honest about it at some point. And you guys here are pretty much the only ones I know who get it even though I dont personally know you. anyway thanks for listening. Hope everyone else had a good weekend.
2
Hi there hun, I'm sorry to hear about your weekend, I know it's so hard to remain sober when everyone else around you is drinking and seems to be having a good time and especially when you feel so isolated, I sure wish I was closer to you. In times like that , high risk situations try to have a plan of action, like what you will say when someone asks you for a drink, plan a time to leave, and have a non alcoholic drink in your hand,for, and check in with yourself to see how you are feeling. It is sooo not easy I know, and times like that you wish you could drink normally and that gets you bummed so you say ah what the h*ll. Just think of this slip as a mistake, and not a failure, we can all learn from our slips and find different ways of handling the pressures that led to it. I'm here for you hun, and you are in my prayers...

Big Hugs and lots of love to you my friend,
Liz xoxoxox
3
CB
Glad you're back. If you want some tough love let me know.
smooches
4
hi guys, thanks for responding. i dont know what i need right now other than to start feeling better about myself, bc really as down as ive been feeling the last few days i dont know how i will stay sober. usually i am pretty positive in general but when i do get depressed i dont know how to handle it at all. i know they were all partying at my sisters, it wasnt even about that, just that i was the only one who wasnt there and i wished i could see them all but they were 2000 miles away. and then i couldnt get in touch with anyone and felt almost like i had no one at all and that made me think well why would anyone want to hang out with me anyway and it just went down from there, lets have a pity party.

kat i'd ask for tough love but im not sure even you could be tougher on me than im being on myself right now. trying to snap out of it but its not easy. Liz thanks for being so understanding, i wish you were closer too bc i could really use the support or at least someone to push me to get my s*** together.
5
You've probably heard this before but I'm going to tell you again. Find an AA meeting and check it out. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. You'll find lots of new friends that can help you learn to not drink. We are told not to get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Sounds like you got a little too lonely. I doubt if the booze cured the lonliness. It always just made me feel worse. Once I got buzzed if I was already depressed I got a lot worse. Then I had to deal with a hangover. It just isn't worth it. Give it a try, honey. It can't hurt, can it?
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Hey Ciaobella chin up and smile, the cloak of alcohol and it's false friendship fit me well and it's the only clothes that make my a** look good LOL. At least you have realised you were in your pity pot, so find a hammer and smash the bstard. Being alone is dangerous and add being alone in our heads with a bit of self pity and whammo out comes the old habits. Can you in any way get some contact numbers from AA in your local area as a backup plan? Start positive affirmations about yourself. At least ring AA and get there 24hr number if they have one as anything is better than nothing.
I had a mental checklist when i was drinking and each drinking session more and more things were getting ticked off. One day work will be a pain in the butt cause it gets in the way of drinking, and i needed no one to understand because then it justified my drinking and i started to consume myself. A beer in the morning fixed my shakes and sometimes on a bender i would use two hands to pick the glass up or in earthquake shakes a straw done the trick.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful if we fight it alone.
I know internet acces is hard for you but keep posting and read the gratitude thread even if you are sitting there thinking f this i want to get drunk keep reading and post on it each time you log on as it starts making you realise what you are grateful for and i know sometimes that can be not much BUT that is the addiction trying to get it's butt back into them clothes. Workout so them clothes just don't fit anymore. Buy an AA bigbook and read there is hope in those pages, anything is better than nothing. Hey Ciabella go to a mirror and tell yourself i am worth it and pat yourself on the shoulder. And if you want to just scream grab a pillow and scream into the bugga, you can do this.

Light and love Zac
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Hey CB. I know the whole pity thing well. I don't have anyone to lean on and like you sometimes take the what the hell route and just down a few bottles.
I bet you've really got a lot to give... I know the feeling that why would anyone want to talk to me... I'm a waste of space... but really I have a lot to give. It just gets shoved to the back of the closet because of all my other s***.
I had a really bad day today... lots of tears and arguments... just couldn't get anyone to see my point of view at all... so I have reached for the bottle again and got so frustrated I cut my hand deliberately. I've been really argumentative all day... just feeling totally got at. I told a friend about my drink problem and I haven't heard from him since. (this was a few months ago) So... I wont bother with him again. I just keep thinking of that Johnny Thunders song So Alone... and I think yeah... been there living that.
Keep your chin up CB...

Luv and respect
Izzy X
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thanks again everyone. i'm still nervous about aa for a certain reason, my friend did tell me last week that she'd go to a meeting w/me if i was scared to go alone, i might just ask her to do it. i got an aa packet w/the 44 q's etc but haven't had much time to read it yet. the pity thing, i used to do that alot when i was younger, i was always wallowing in it, and it took a long time to change it so when i feel that way now i hate it even more. bc it takes me back to those days. izzy i hope you know that cutting yourself wont make things better, i went through a brief stage of that myself about 10 yrs ago, you are worth more than that. i hope it isnt too bad. but i can sure relate to having a bad day. as always when i get loaded i start off feeling good like some switch has been flipped in my head and somethings been fixed, then as time goes by i start to feel worse and then the next day i feel horrific. yesterday i happened to still have booze in the house so i kept drinking to keep the hangover away. i sure got a crapload of booze on saturday.

zac it feels a little hard right now to pat myself on the shoulder but screaming into a pillow i can probably manage. thanks my friends.

p.s izzy i hope you feel better soon....
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Hi there hun, I know what you mean about AA, I have a list of meetings here in my area, and I still haven't gone, and I don't know if I'm going to, I'm a little apprehensive myself, I do know that it is almost next to impossible to battle this drinking thing alone, I know that you work in the counselling field, why not go to a different couselling place to get some support? it's a rough ride this booze train of ours, I'm here for ya girlfriend.. Take care and email me if you want to...
Lots of love
Liz :) xoxo
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Hey Liz, thanks again, the aa thing is really hard for me to think about too but i am thinking about it anyway, feels like this has become too big a thing to deal with all alone. i do well for awhile then crash and burn. if my friend is still willing to go with me for moral support i may take her up on it. i might not speak up but i think it might help just to be there and hear what others have to say. i will email soon, i got your last one but didnt have time to reply before the wknd. its really bugging me not to have internet at home. anyway thanks again for all your thoughts and please keep sending the hugs my way, i could use them.
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Hey you three, chin(s) up! About meetings, just go to an "open" meeting and sit there and listen...see if you can identify with what is shared...if you can't and it's not for you, well at least you gave it try, ...try to go with honesty, an open-mind and willingness (h.o.w.) I know it seems like a scary thing to do, but it really isn't once you get in the door and sit down...I was asked if I had the same amount of willingness to get sober as I did to get drunk...and the answer was yes and today the answer is still yes...it's much easier and less exhausting for me to be sober. You never have to do this thing alone and you do not have to be lonely...you all deserve so much more than living your lives battling this disease solo...there is hope and there is a solution in the 12 steps.
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Hi CB,
you are well on the way to a sober life,You have admitted you have a drinking problem like the rest of us,
Just think like ...okay I fell down last weekend I will get back up and try again, If I can do it....
you can do it girl !!!!
Thinking of you
Ginge
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Thanks again to VW and Ginge... feeling better now, the past is past and I can't change it, I can only go forward. Still seriously considering giving a meeting a go, have to shake off the nerves. Thanks for alll your advice and just for being there!
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Hi there CB, great attitude!! keep lookin' forward hun!! Talk with you soon!!


Lots of love and Huge Hugs!!
Liz :) xo