Life is too hard to live. Life on life's terms....I really hate those stupid sayings. Life's terms come from all the decisions we make that lead up to them. I've made some stupid decisions and now life's terms are not acceptable to me. My life, MY terms.
This is what it is like on my 36 days off methadone. I thought getting off it would be a good thing, spent 4 years working towards that goal & I have become non-functional as a human being. I'm emotionally shredded. I never know who I'll be when I wake up that day- angry girl, depressed girl, suicidal girl, anxiety girl, manic psycho freak girl- but I'm never the girl I used to be. I used to be the girl who's excitement for everything in life was infectious, the girl with friends, the girl with charisma who could change a room by walking into it....now I'm nothing. Just a smudge of dirt the wind will blow away.
I hurt everyone around me, STILL. Even after methadone, just because I'm here. My presence hurts people. I don't trust my senses. I don't trust my emotions. The well of hurt runs so deep I haven't found it's bottom, I don't think it has one. It's consuming me an atom at a time & I have no strength left to fight, no desire to fight. How do you fight when you have no hope? My hope is long gone.
Please no one tell me to go to NA because I do. I have worked the first few steps. It doesn't matter. Talking to a room full of strangers is a temporary bandaid.
Methadone was also a bandaid. Now it's been ripped off and I'm bleeding to death.
NA will work. It works for millions.
Just don't quit before the miracle happens ......
Get with the oldtimers, tell them how you feel.
You see what seems like an impossible task. IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE !
Just do it !! One moment at a time.
All the best.
Bob R
Just don't quit before the miracle happens ......
Get with the oldtimers, tell them how you feel.
You see what seems like an impossible task. IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE !
Just do it !! One moment at a time.
All the best.
Bob R
Hi SYNestesia - Please do not give up hope-i know you find it hard to believe but it will get better-hang in there-
If you are an addict/alcoholic of my type it will get better when I start doing the right thing.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf
If I sit and "hold on" later I will find myself sitting and holding on.
If I don't do the right thing I will find myself back where I was and get worse from there.
I really had to hurt before I surrendered as best I could at the time and began to go to NA/AA meetings.
All the best.
Bob R
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf
If I sit and "hold on" later I will find myself sitting and holding on.
If I don't do the right thing I will find myself back where I was and get worse from there.
I really had to hurt before I surrendered as best I could at the time and began to go to NA/AA meetings.
All the best.
Bob R
SYNesthesia:
In 1989 I sat in the driveway of a recovery home with a pistol to my head. I was 45 yrs old.
It was all I could do to not pull the trigger. Something said "Just go in and see what they have to say". I went in and listened because I had nothing to lose.
That was 1989 .. this is 2015 !! I am gratefully amazed often for my recovery and my life.
I had endured decades of alcohol, drugs, psyche wards, group therapies, lost jobs and friends, years of constant suicidal thoughts ......and the worst part was my wife & son would leave a room if I entered it.
I know how you feel and how you suffer. I will not lie to you because I know how deadly this disease is. I will tell you that this document saved my life.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf
I wish you the best.
Bob
In 1989 I sat in the driveway of a recovery home with a pistol to my head. I was 45 yrs old.
It was all I could do to not pull the trigger. Something said "Just go in and see what they have to say". I went in and listened because I had nothing to lose.
That was 1989 .. this is 2015 !! I am gratefully amazed often for my recovery and my life.
I had endured decades of alcohol, drugs, psyche wards, group therapies, lost jobs and friends, years of constant suicidal thoughts ......and the worst part was my wife & son would leave a room if I entered it.
I know how you feel and how you suffer. I will not lie to you because I know how deadly this disease is. I will tell you that this document saved my life.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf
I wish you the best.
Bob
