I'm not really sure where to begin or how to get this across... i'm finding it almost impossible to express myself clearly at the moment. I had my first joint almost 3 years ago now, a couple of weeks after I'd completed high school. If you had asked me to describe myself back then, I would have said I was a confident, ambitious, rounded, hopeful and an intelligent person who was in touch with who they were and where they were headed.
I continued smoking weed regularly thereafter for about a year, and things slowly started going down hill. I became depressed, dropped out of uni, broke up with my girlfriend, etc., etc. Eventually I realised that using weed as a form of escapism was having seriously damaging effects on my life and I decided to quit. That was almost two years ago. I've managed to re-enrol in uni since then, and I have a good job and a fairly stable life at the moment.
What I'm struggling to deal with at the moment is how I feel. Even though I haven't touched the stuff for near on two years, I still feel depressed, insecure, paranoid and generally anxious. I feel like I've lost all sense of who I was and I feel like a vague memory or a shadow of the person I used to be. Talking to and socialising with people is almost impossible due to the anxiety I feel. My relationship with my friends and family has deteriorated -- when I'm doing stuff with my friends it feels as if i'm not really present and that I'm only running through the motions instead of really participating in anything. Even going to the shop can at times be quite a daunting prospect -- I feel that people are always watching and judging me and I feel so transparent. It sucks.
I guess I'm writing this to find out if anyone else has experienced something similar to me, and whether or not they got over it and how. any advice would be appreciated.
2 years sober, that's fantastic!
Yes, I can relate. Anxiety and social problems, depression, anger. Being clean and feeling worse. I took up Reiki, meditation, group therapy, one on one counselling, art therapy, marriage therapy, exercise, all of it helped me to banish these negative traits and I was drug free for a very long time. Never saw myself as an "addict who needs recovery" it was relatively easy.
Then as I was feeling confident, marriage being repaired, sober, even quit cigs.
My "friend", my husband offered when I was vulnerable.
My cousin died by suicide two years ago.
I had been recovering from my husband's affair prior to that.
I was Really not impressed with God, now.
I've been tearing down the castle I built of 14 years in sobriety in the last 3 years by smoking weed. It has become a daily habit. Doesn't help me at all. I stopped being loving. I stopped eating right. I stopped talking to people
that's why I'm here.
Maybe God is thumping me on the head, now and it's time to do the dreaded 12 steps I've been avoiding my whole life. Right after I go spark one up.
Yes, I can relate. Anxiety and social problems, depression, anger. Being clean and feeling worse. I took up Reiki, meditation, group therapy, one on one counselling, art therapy, marriage therapy, exercise, all of it helped me to banish these negative traits and I was drug free for a very long time. Never saw myself as an "addict who needs recovery" it was relatively easy.
Then as I was feeling confident, marriage being repaired, sober, even quit cigs.
My "friend", my husband offered when I was vulnerable.
My cousin died by suicide two years ago.
I had been recovering from my husband's affair prior to that.
I was Really not impressed with God, now.
I've been tearing down the castle I built of 14 years in sobriety in the last 3 years by smoking weed. It has become a daily habit. Doesn't help me at all. I stopped being loving. I stopped eating right. I stopped talking to people
that's why I'm here.
Maybe God is thumping me on the head, now and it's time to do the dreaded 12 steps I've been avoiding my whole life. Right after I go spark one up.
I read some more. I've decided to go listen to music before I drift off to sleep instead of getting high. day 1 begins now.
Guest, your note really highlights alot of the issues that addicts face in recovery. If we do not take extraordinary efforts to find a community of support, we tend to relapse when the going gets rough. I have heard stories of people who quit until they retired but then slipped into addiction.
Simple fact of the matter is that no one really appreciates this fact except other recovering addicts. People who can take pot or leave it will minimize the seriousness of the issue -- fellow addicts know the score and will not cut you the slack or give you permission to use. We need that constant reinforcement to stay clean and live sober.
Good luck
August
Simple fact of the matter is that no one really appreciates this fact except other recovering addicts. People who can take pot or leave it will minimize the seriousness of the issue -- fellow addicts know the score and will not cut you the slack or give you permission to use. We need that constant reinforcement to stay clean and live sober.
Good luck
August
I have been reading tons and I appreciate your response. I've told my husband I need rehab. He thinks I'm just looking for a vacation from the kids. So what do I do now?
Currently I'm seeing our marriage counsellor alone.
I have recently confided in her about my slip into lala land and I am proud to have accountability and honesty as a positive spin in my life. Talking to my pothead husband is frustrating to say the least.
I really miss the old me. The one that would just go do what I need to do to take care of myself and shut the f*** up.
Currently I'm seeing our marriage counsellor alone.
I have recently confided in her about my slip into lala land and I am proud to have accountability and honesty as a positive spin in my life. Talking to my pothead husband is frustrating to say the least.
I really miss the old me. The one that would just go do what I need to do to take care of myself and shut the f*** up.
if you feel that you need rehab, and you have insurance or other resources to pay for it, let nothing and no-one stand in your way. otherwise, pursue recovery and recovery assistance with all your mind, all your heart and all your being. there is a better life.
I've got my stories on the computer i type this into that is my form of escapism.
I am also aware of who i once was manic depressive now and have extreme anxiety related to the things you were describing like things like going to the shop seem quite normal but to me an obstacle to mount and feel the judgement coming from them or from ourselves to us don't know. It seems to me i wish for you to find but that is the problem with what you are going through don't love what you used to. But i wish for you to find like an expressive habbit (like could be this) you seem to be good with writing. Very honest. Truthfully i was amazed by images you have gift. Hopelessness i wish you hope.
I am also aware of who i once was manic depressive now and have extreme anxiety related to the things you were describing like things like going to the shop seem quite normal but to me an obstacle to mount and feel the judgement coming from them or from ourselves to us don't know. It seems to me i wish for you to find but that is the problem with what you are going through don't love what you used to. But i wish for you to find like an expressive habbit (like could be this) you seem to be good with writing. Very honest. Truthfully i was amazed by images you have gift. Hopelessness i wish you hope.
hey man dont be so hard on yourself. two years straight man i wish i could do 2 days straight. From reading your posting it sounds familiar to me and it sounds to me that maybe; as my wife would say, "going straight or cold turkey doesnt work you need to deal with the issues surounding 'why' you were smoking". Man she has some really good information on all this addiction stuff. Sadly most of the time im to stoned to be bother even moving out of the house. I have been feeling depressed as well about my weed smoking etc and brother my heart goes out to ya. I cant wait for the days where i am straight again. Dont be so hard on yourself we all deal with our issues differently some just do it better than others. Also, maybe you could talk to a counsellor or something. Just someone who can help to put things into perspective.
be cool
me
PS 2 years man your a god
be cool
me
PS 2 years man your a god
i know everyone's different. i smoked weed for like a decade every day. i didnt get psychotic or anything like that - but the occasional paranoia and if i couldnt get it - woh. couldnt sleep, incredibly s***ty etc. i would chase it and chase it. i was really dependent.
hope you've all got the impression. anyway - i went overseas and only smoked the occasional joint - which was i guess relatively easy because i was in a new environement and simply couldnt get it - and i also knew leading up to my trip that it would be a no-go.
anyway , i got back - and got back to it. i spent a fortune etc etc.
i believe now that it is more habit forming than anything else.
i quit. justs like that. actually i forced myself to smoke leaf for about a month and then ran out - and thats it.
im stoked.im free of it.
i had trouble sleeping at first - then i went to the library , borrowed books and read myself to sleep every night. believe me- your eyes get tired and you go to sleep. its really worked for me and im not much of a reader.
its been 5 months and there is "nothing missing in my life" sometimes id like to get high - but i dont have it and i dont chase it.
so anyway - if i can do it - ANYONE CAN. and its not that hard. yep - really.
just break the habit. you dont need luck - just do it. its that simple
hope you've all got the impression. anyway - i went overseas and only smoked the occasional joint - which was i guess relatively easy because i was in a new environement and simply couldnt get it - and i also knew leading up to my trip that it would be a no-go.
anyway , i got back - and got back to it. i spent a fortune etc etc.
i believe now that it is more habit forming than anything else.
i quit. justs like that. actually i forced myself to smoke leaf for about a month and then ran out - and thats it.
im stoked.im free of it.
i had trouble sleeping at first - then i went to the library , borrowed books and read myself to sleep every night. believe me- your eyes get tired and you go to sleep. its really worked for me and im not much of a reader.
its been 5 months and there is "nothing missing in my life" sometimes id like to get high - but i dont have it and i dont chase it.
so anyway - if i can do it - ANYONE CAN. and its not that hard. yep - really.
just break the habit. you dont need luck - just do it. its that simple
