I've never used drugs but my daughter's father and my current boyfriend are both addicted to heroin. For the last 10 years I have tried everything i can think of to help and have completely failed. I think I am one of those enablers who just make things worse - I always try to jump in and save them - have paid out thousands of dollars taking care of bills, etc. As you probably already know, nothing I have done has helped - but it is making a wreck out of me. Now they are both trying subs again and have asked for my help and support - do you have any suggestions? I have absolutely no idea what to do - but i feel if i could just find the right thing i could help them. They were going to start the pills today but used instead. I feel helpless and useless. I think maybe they arent taking the subs correctly which is why they keep failing. Should I back off or hang in there.
I am finally realizing how difficult it is for addicts and that they really dont mean to hurt anyone. I would appreciate any advice you can give me.
Thanks
Wow, you are in a difficult position !!!
Thing is though, if your paying out all that money, then you definately are an enabler.
Obviously, your an adult and you will make your own decisions, so all I offer is my opinion's, what ever they're worth. :-)
When an addict, my ability to process information was subtly, but profoundly flawed. And although I could 'see' the information coming at me, I couldn't quite understand/process it properly. Their was an exception though, and that was a couple of people who I care about saying that if I was to continue with my addiction, then they no longer wished to continue a relationship with me. This in essence cut through the 'disease,' and did actually register.
I hope I don't sound too patronising, but the the old cliche, the only person who can help them, is themselves, is very true. And it is essentially this that is making you sick, as you are doing all the worrying, so far to no avail, which makes it all worse.
It may sound a bit harsh, but the only person you can take care of is yourself. Taking responsibility for someone else's life, VERY often will lead to pain/illness for yourself. They are the people who have the answer's to their problems, and they must do the work to get out of the hole they are in. And you have to consider at which point you will apply your only real sanction!!!! continuing to help them is only condoning and enabling their habit to continue.
I wish you peace. Julius
Thing is though, if your paying out all that money, then you definately are an enabler.
Obviously, your an adult and you will make your own decisions, so all I offer is my opinion's, what ever they're worth. :-)
When an addict, my ability to process information was subtly, but profoundly flawed. And although I could 'see' the information coming at me, I couldn't quite understand/process it properly. Their was an exception though, and that was a couple of people who I care about saying that if I was to continue with my addiction, then they no longer wished to continue a relationship with me. This in essence cut through the 'disease,' and did actually register.
I hope I don't sound too patronising, but the the old cliche, the only person who can help them, is themselves, is very true. And it is essentially this that is making you sick, as you are doing all the worrying, so far to no avail, which makes it all worse.
It may sound a bit harsh, but the only person you can take care of is yourself. Taking responsibility for someone else's life, VERY often will lead to pain/illness for yourself. They are the people who have the answer's to their problems, and they must do the work to get out of the hole they are in. And you have to consider at which point you will apply your only real sanction!!!! continuing to help them is only condoning and enabling their habit to continue.
I wish you peace. Julius
Hello Shirl, speaking as an addict myself (now clean) the very best way you could help them is to back off and let them take the consequences of their actions. Addicts are devious and manipulative - they can't help it, they just are - and if they think that you'll be there to bail them out when they get into trouble then they'll keep using you.
Sooo, tell them that you're glad that they're starting subutex, and that when they are clean you'll look forward to resuming your friendship/relationship. NEVER give an addict money etc. The easier you make it for them to avoid the consequences of their actions the less likely they are to sort themselves out. By helping them in this manner, you are making it easier for them to stay on drugs. When the $hit hits the fan, just stand back and let them take it. It's by far the best thing you can do.
Listen sweetheart, they got themselves into this mess - nobody is forcing them to take drugs, and no matter how much they try and convince you otherwise, it IS a choice, not a necessity - and only they can get themselves out of it. Stop cushioning the blows. They have to learn the hard way like the rest of us. I know it sounds callous, but it's the hard cold truth my dear. You have a child to look after, so concentrate your efforts on her, and just leave your little collection of junkies to fend for themselves. The thing with heroin addiction is you have to learn to take responsibility for your actions. That is the only way forward. To save them you have to cut them off. By all means be there as a friend, to talk to, to offer a friendly ear, but that has to be as far as it goes. Stop enabling them to continue with this destructive behaviour. By enabling them you are adding to their problems, not helping them. They won't see it that way in the beginning, but that's because they only listen to their addiction, and their addiction really doesn't give a uck about you. It is the wolf in sheeps clothing. They may be very nice to you, but that's because they have to in order to get what they want. Money for drugs. An addiction is a totally self-serving entity. The addict, the person you love, is just a slave to the most demanding of masters, and will do just about anything to feed the ever-ravenous addiction inside, including lie and steal from you. So refuse to play the game. Do it for them, and don't listen when they rant and beg and cry.
Good luck
Diff x
Sooo, tell them that you're glad that they're starting subutex, and that when they are clean you'll look forward to resuming your friendship/relationship. NEVER give an addict money etc. The easier you make it for them to avoid the consequences of their actions the less likely they are to sort themselves out. By helping them in this manner, you are making it easier for them to stay on drugs. When the $hit hits the fan, just stand back and let them take it. It's by far the best thing you can do.
Listen sweetheart, they got themselves into this mess - nobody is forcing them to take drugs, and no matter how much they try and convince you otherwise, it IS a choice, not a necessity - and only they can get themselves out of it. Stop cushioning the blows. They have to learn the hard way like the rest of us. I know it sounds callous, but it's the hard cold truth my dear. You have a child to look after, so concentrate your efforts on her, and just leave your little collection of junkies to fend for themselves. The thing with heroin addiction is you have to learn to take responsibility for your actions. That is the only way forward. To save them you have to cut them off. By all means be there as a friend, to talk to, to offer a friendly ear, but that has to be as far as it goes. Stop enabling them to continue with this destructive behaviour. By enabling them you are adding to their problems, not helping them. They won't see it that way in the beginning, but that's because they only listen to their addiction, and their addiction really doesn't give a uck about you. It is the wolf in sheeps clothing. They may be very nice to you, but that's because they have to in order to get what they want. Money for drugs. An addiction is a totally self-serving entity. The addict, the person you love, is just a slave to the most demanding of masters, and will do just about anything to feed the ever-ravenous addiction inside, including lie and steal from you. So refuse to play the game. Do it for them, and don't listen when they rant and beg and cry.
Good luck
Diff x
Thank you both, Julius and Diff - I think deep down I knew what I needed to do but it really hit home when I read what you both had to say. It is great that you are clean now and helping others on this site.
Thanks
Thanks
Hi Shirl, I'm sorry that you're in this situation because both these men are very dear to you, and they're putting you in a really tough situation. But stick to your guns and stay strong on this one. Addicts are not all lost causes. In fact in my case I think my addiction made me humble, which is a good thing, and over coming my addiction really madeth the woman, so to speak. It turned me into the understanding, straight talking, well rounded, able to cope with life person I am today. Right now, I'm in a hell of a situation in my private life - in love with a man who physically abuses me, pregnant with his child, and he's f***ed off to Ireland and left me. Apparantly he's having a whale of a time, according to the one phone call I've had from him since he left on Thursday. Oh apart from the 30 second call on Friday asking me to text him the number of some woman he knows in Cork. Anyway, without the tools I learned in overcoming my addiction, I would have sunk without trace by now. I'm barely staying afloat, and only momentarily slip into the "the trick is to keep breathing" mode. Which is my mantra when I get so low that it's taking every ounce of strength I have just to stay alive. But I don't feel totally lost, coz I have a little armoury of weapons, ways of working through painful times, that I had to learn in those dark months when I was learning to live without my emotional painkiller. Heroin. When you get thrown (or throw yourself) into the stormy ocean, either you learn to swim or you drown. And it's then when you learn how strong you are. And that knowledge can take you a long way in life.
And you know one thing that helps above all others. Don't go it alone. I imagine it must be hard for you to talk about this with your friends, because it is a very difficult thing to understand, but you need someone. Be it a good friend, or a professional cousellor, or a support group, you need to have someone to talk to. Coming here really helps, but to have that personal attention and feeling of really sharing a problem, it needs to be a real voice I think. I know that some friends.families attend NA meetings, and some NA meetings have groups just for the friends/families to meet up and talk. Some of the things you need to get off your chest may need to be said away from the ears of addicts, coz although you have been extremely polite, if you're anything like me, there are times when all you want to do is rant and rave about what complete BARSTOOLS they are! It's only natural...and you need to say it coz once it's put into words the anger starts to let go of you. God the amount of times I've started on an angry rant and by the time I've finished I'm laughing at myself. And that's how you deal with problems. You cut them down to size so they don't swallow you up.
anyway shirl, I'm here a lot, especially at the moment, coz I'm grateful of any opportunity to stop thinking about my own problems! So talk if you want...
love
Diff xx
And you know one thing that helps above all others. Don't go it alone. I imagine it must be hard for you to talk about this with your friends, because it is a very difficult thing to understand, but you need someone. Be it a good friend, or a professional cousellor, or a support group, you need to have someone to talk to. Coming here really helps, but to have that personal attention and feeling of really sharing a problem, it needs to be a real voice I think. I know that some friends.families attend NA meetings, and some NA meetings have groups just for the friends/families to meet up and talk. Some of the things you need to get off your chest may need to be said away from the ears of addicts, coz although you have been extremely polite, if you're anything like me, there are times when all you want to do is rant and rave about what complete BARSTOOLS they are! It's only natural...and you need to say it coz once it's put into words the anger starts to let go of you. God the amount of times I've started on an angry rant and by the time I've finished I'm laughing at myself. And that's how you deal with problems. You cut them down to size so they don't swallow you up.
anyway shirl, I'm here a lot, especially at the moment, coz I'm grateful of any opportunity to stop thinking about my own problems! So talk if you want...
love
Diff xx
hi shirl and welcome, do yourself a favor and please post this on the pain pill board. it is very active over there, and oxycotin (pain pill), is nothing more than pharmacudical heroin. also try the family/partner board, i think you will like it. sorry i can't give you any advice, i am a drug addict in recovery
shirl
I know you are going through tough times. Take the advice you where given and let it fully sink in. It is a hard concept for family and loved ones of addicts to grasp. That helping is usually not helpful.
Also take Angela's advice and post on the Family/ Partner Board. There are many of us going through what you are going through. You really do need to work on yourself. Many get dragged down by the stress and depression of investing yourself into an addicted loved ones recovery. Then watching them invest nothing. Understand one other thing. Addicts really aren't great manipulators. What I mean by that is, once you have separated yourself from the situation you see things clearly. When you are invested emotionaly in trying to save them, they realize that and say just what you want to hear. So the manipulation is just what we allow. The lies only work if we believe the words and not the actions.
Here are a couple of posts from Passion a recovering Meth (Crystal) addict.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safty net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Passion
You can't make me clean
I know it is what you want for me to be and until I want it - I won't be.
You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.
I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
Passion
I know you are going through tough times. Take the advice you where given and let it fully sink in. It is a hard concept for family and loved ones of addicts to grasp. That helping is usually not helpful.
Also take Angela's advice and post on the Family/ Partner Board. There are many of us going through what you are going through. You really do need to work on yourself. Many get dragged down by the stress and depression of investing yourself into an addicted loved ones recovery. Then watching them invest nothing. Understand one other thing. Addicts really aren't great manipulators. What I mean by that is, once you have separated yourself from the situation you see things clearly. When you are invested emotionaly in trying to save them, they realize that and say just what you want to hear. So the manipulation is just what we allow. The lies only work if we believe the words and not the actions.
Here are a couple of posts from Passion a recovering Meth (Crystal) addict.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safty net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Passion
You can't make me clean
I know it is what you want for me to be and until I want it - I won't be.
You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.
I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
Passion
Thanks again to all of you for your help. And I wish you all well.
