Hello ARG community!
I am here, like I suspect most of you are, for some advice and support. I have an amazing partner (Olivia) whom I love more than anything. We have been together for a year and I feel so unbelievably blessed to have met her and to have her in my life. She also happens to be a recovering drug addict and lives with complex PTSD from many years of childhood abuse and molestation. She has been on a very long journey of recovery - both in terms of her addiction and also her mental health. She has recently started seeing a therapist that specialises in complex trauma and will soon be seeing an new psychiatrist (also specialising in trauma) for a medication review.
Despite these very positive steps, I feel like I am witnessing her spiral downwards, and given that I am currently on assignment for 7 months in Uganda while she remains in Sydney, it is painful to watch knowing there is less I can do here. She often doesn't sleep for days and then finally crashes and sleeps for days. When this happens she misses work, and although they are very understanding of her issues, I wonder how long they will be so flexible. Last week after many days of no sleep she flipped out and told me she had bought cocaine and wanted to take it. After many hours of Skyping her, she managed to flush it down the toilet. She has also many times in the past organised to buy drugs with no intention of actually going through with the sale. Finally, she just seems to struggle with day to day stuff. She struggles to manage her money so doesn't have enough to buy groceries and thus doesn't eat. She avoids cleaning her apartment. She also avoids seeing the handful of friends she has. Her physical health isn't great after years of drug abuse but when she's sick she won't see a doctor.
When I was in Sydney we were so in love and our lives were consumed with each other. We were always together and life was amazing. But I'm starting to think that because of me and the 'support' I provided she failed to learn to stand on her own two feet. I paid for a lot of things, would sometimes lend/give her money, took her to the doctor if she was sick, bought groceries. It was like while I was there she functioned better. She'd cook and clean more and we'd socialise with friends. But now that I'm not there, none of this is happening.
So my question to you is this. Am I supporting her or enabling her? And if I am enabling her, how do I withdraw that support without abandoning her? Or am I trying to rescue her? I know I have many issues of my own around control and acceptance, but I genuinely love her so much and want to spend my life with her. It hurts so much seeing the person I love struggle so much. How can I help her while still allowing her the space to grow and recover on her own?
Your support and advice is so appreciated and I thank you in advance for your time and patience with me. This is very new but I want to learn and grow.
With kindness,
Alex(andra)
P.S If anyone can suggest some books, articles etc that may also be of assistance I'm an avid reader.
Hi Alex, sometimes it can be a fine line between support and enabling - your partner appears to have many issues to cope with- the PTSD certainly complicates the issue of addiction and the enabling of it- i wonder what medication she is on, it is very difficult for addicts to comply with prescription schedules- the temptation to abuse our medication is always there. i wonder was your partner using when you were there with her-does she have anyone she can reach out to when you are not there - it must be so frustrating and worrying when you are away- does she go to NA or any other support group- very few of us,, addicts make it on our own- it is very difficult to see how your support could be viewed as enabling at the moment- perhaps the situation may improve after her medication review- i presume the medics treating her are aware of her addiction- this is very important when it comes to prescribing meds for her- its a really hard situation you are in- i wish you the best of luck and i really hope your partner gets the help she needs, and that you work it out together- keep reaching out - i am sure you will get advice here from more knowledgeable people than myself-
(i love the Cohen quote- the mans a genius)
(i love the Cohen quote- the mans a genius)
Hi Travelin Man!
Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated :) And yes, Leonard Cohen is a genius. I saw him in concert once and he played non-stop for 4 hours!!
She does struggle a little with her medication but her doctor won't give her anything for anxiety which is addictive. I guess we'll see what her new psych says. She generally remembers to take it and hasn't abused it in the past to my knowledge. I think the bigger issue is getting the medication combination right. She's always been on anti-depressants and then medication for bipolar which another doctor thought she had but she doesn't. Hopefully new meds with the new psych will help.
As for someone she can reach out to, yes in a way she does. But she doesn't have a sponsor and doesn't really go to NA or any other support groups. She has in the past but I'm encouraging her to go again. I think it would help, but obviously I can't make her go. Does having a sponsor help?
I really hope that I'm not enabling (you're right it is hard to do that from the other side of the world) but I fear that I used to when we were living in Sydney. Maybe my going is a catalyst for learning new skills and how to help herself?
Any other advice from an addict's point of view on how best to help would be great. What does support look like? Is it just being her cheer squad and a shoulder to cry on or is there tough love involved? I'll never understand what it's like from her perspective so sometimes I think I'll get it wrong because I can't know what she's going through.
Anyway, once again thanks :) One day at a time I guess!
Alex
Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated :) And yes, Leonard Cohen is a genius. I saw him in concert once and he played non-stop for 4 hours!!
She does struggle a little with her medication but her doctor won't give her anything for anxiety which is addictive. I guess we'll see what her new psych says. She generally remembers to take it and hasn't abused it in the past to my knowledge. I think the bigger issue is getting the medication combination right. She's always been on anti-depressants and then medication for bipolar which another doctor thought she had but she doesn't. Hopefully new meds with the new psych will help.
As for someone she can reach out to, yes in a way she does. But she doesn't have a sponsor and doesn't really go to NA or any other support groups. She has in the past but I'm encouraging her to go again. I think it would help, but obviously I can't make her go. Does having a sponsor help?
I really hope that I'm not enabling (you're right it is hard to do that from the other side of the world) but I fear that I used to when we were living in Sydney. Maybe my going is a catalyst for learning new skills and how to help herself?
Any other advice from an addict's point of view on how best to help would be great. What does support look like? Is it just being her cheer squad and a shoulder to cry on or is there tough love involved? I'll never understand what it's like from her perspective so sometimes I think I'll get it wrong because I can't know what she's going through.
Anyway, once again thanks :) One day at a time I guess!
Alex
Hi Alex, thats a great question - what does support look like- it can involve tough love, but not really applicable considering your locations- you gotta be there for her when she is struggling not when she is using- make that clear and stick to it- the med thing may hold the key to her future ability to function - some of the new meds are supposed to be very good- i am on an anti- depressant and i have found it a great help- it stabilises my mood- i used to swing from high to low in a matter of hours-
AA or NA helps alot of people to get clean and stay clean- sponsors can be a great resource- however some people do not attend AA or NA and find another path. personally i struggled with AA and found working with an addiction counsellor really helpful and still do- there really is no pescribed method of recovery- we are all so different- the one thing that is crucial is that she has a support system of trusted people be it inside or outside NA/AA - very few make it on thier own - personally i think its vital- it is not an easy road you are embarking on- i have to tell you when anyone has posted here about staying in a relationship with an addict i have always advised them to get out of the relationship, sorry if this is harsh. any relationship with an addict whether in active addiction or not is really hard work- she could end up sucking the lifeforce out of you- you gotta be sure you want to take this on.
you will not change her or keep her clean unless she wants to be- you cannot fix her only she can do that- it is probably not what you want to hear - sorry but thats how i have learned to view this thru my own experience and listening to the experiences of others- you need to look out for yourself- if you are going to be in it for the long road you need to look after Alex- i would advise you to talk to some people in NA Anon- for advice these people will have been down this road and will be a great help- i wish you the best of luck - keep reaching out- you are never alone in this world of addicion-
AA or NA helps alot of people to get clean and stay clean- sponsors can be a great resource- however some people do not attend AA or NA and find another path. personally i struggled with AA and found working with an addiction counsellor really helpful and still do- there really is no pescribed method of recovery- we are all so different- the one thing that is crucial is that she has a support system of trusted people be it inside or outside NA/AA - very few make it on thier own - personally i think its vital- it is not an easy road you are embarking on- i have to tell you when anyone has posted here about staying in a relationship with an addict i have always advised them to get out of the relationship, sorry if this is harsh. any relationship with an addict whether in active addiction or not is really hard work- she could end up sucking the lifeforce out of you- you gotta be sure you want to take this on.
you will not change her or keep her clean unless she wants to be- you cannot fix her only she can do that- it is probably not what you want to hear - sorry but thats how i have learned to view this thru my own experience and listening to the experiences of others- you need to look out for yourself- if you are going to be in it for the long road you need to look after Alex- i would advise you to talk to some people in NA Anon- for advice these people will have been down this road and will be a great help- i wish you the best of luck - keep reaching out- you are never alone in this world of addicion-
"When I was in Sydney we were so in love and our lives were consumed with each other. We were always together and life was amazing. But I'm starting to think that because of me and the 'support' I provided she failed to learn to stand on her own two feet. I paid for a lot of things, would sometimes lend/give her money, took her to the doctor if she was sick, bought groceries. It was like while I was there she functioned better. She'd cook and clean more and we'd socialise with friends. But now that I'm not there, none of this is happening."
I don't think that the last year has much to do with anything.
You know she is an addict and deeply flawed individual and I have to wonder why you would "take her on" as a possible (soul)mate..... do you think you can "fix her"?
I suggest you attend some Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings so you begin to comprehend exactly what you are attempting to do and possible you will discover why you are choosing to do it.
I wish you both the best.
Bob R
I don't think that the last year has much to do with anything.
You know she is an addict and deeply flawed individual and I have to wonder why you would "take her on" as a possible (soul)mate..... do you think you can "fix her"?
I suggest you attend some Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings so you begin to comprehend exactly what you are attempting to do and possible you will discover why you are choosing to do it.
I wish you both the best.
Bob R
