How Did This Happen?

Hi All:

I am here to gain help for my apparent weakness. I developed a nasty addiction to pain meds years ago. I tried to quit, went to detox, overdosed and still kept using for a month or two before I finally made the decision to stop after years of abuse. That was Sept. 2003.

Not once between then and Sept 28, 2009, did I ever touch or even desire to touch pain meds. I even went through shoulder surgrey without any narcotics in 2006. But, my appendix ruptured on Sept. 28, 2009, and I had lots of pain meds in the hospital and then for a week after I returned home.

I was married 8 days before my appendix ruptured and my new wife takes pain meds for a variety of ailments. I started sneaking them in December 09 and cannot now seem to stop. It is only 1 per day, as opposed to 25 per day I took at the height of my addiction many years ago.

How could I let this happen again? I am sick to think I am so weak that one trip to the hospital may have been the catalyst...

BeenThereBefore
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I am sick to think I am so weak that one trip to the hospital may have been the catalyst...


Not sure it is a matter of strength or weakness, although these are terms that an addict would use to describe his condition.

That's the "witch" of this disease. It only takes one no matter how long it has been to send us off and running again. You're not alone..we have all been there. That is why we fight it one day at a time. We will always have to stay on guard and work a recovery program to stay clean. Do you work a program?

It's good that you are reaching out...the big questions are What are you going to do now about it and what are you going to do differently?

Welcome to the board. You will find a lot of help and support here!
Hey Now,

Been there Before,

I understand the space your in right now.

To have gone through a long period of clean time, only to end up back on the junk.

For me, once I began actively using again. This thought was my doom. It kept me using again for years.

"I know what I need to do".

THE TRUTH WAS. I had no f***ing idea what to do.

So I am thrilled your back, if by chance a voice is telling you "I know what I need to do".

May I suggest listening to another voice.

Keep Coming Back.


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I am sick to think I am so weak that one trip to the hospital may have been the catalyst...


Weak infers a moral dillema and then we get the guilt which in turn starts the whole process of addiction again.

Once you've crossed that line into addiction,no matter how long you've reamained abstient,you open the door to the new recpetors the brain started making when you were active in your addiction.I'm sure you've heard the term "one is too many and a thousand is not enough".They didn't go away while you were clean,they were simply dormant.

From a biological perspective,the brain doesn't know if you're taking pain medication due to real pain or you want to get high.It sucks that we have created this condition from drug addiction but unfortunately that is the reality.

Comgratulations on your new marriage.Be honest with her.It's a great way to start building trust.

Now,how to stop the process.The good news is that it's only been going on or a few months and if you are only taking one pill a day,and I will assume you are being honest about that,you can stop now.You should have very little withdrawls.I would definitely get honest with your partner and tell her to hide the pills and in turn that will make you accountable.Don't fool yourself into believing you won't increase your dosage.

My advise is to own up to it and find some type of support group.This issue is not going away and having the pills in the house is going to really make this stressful.
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I am sick to think I am so weak that one trip to the hospital may have been the catalyst...


Weak infers a moral dillema and then we get the guilt which in turn starts the whole process of addiction again.

I love it when someone clarifies that. We are not weak, we are not stupid, this has nothing to do with will power. We have a disease. An insidious disease that is forever dormant just waiting to rear it's ugly head.

1 a day is going to turn into 2, then 3, then so on and so on. You know this. Stopping one a day shouldn't be too hard, withdrawal wise, but if I were you, I would sit down with your wife and tell the truth. Now, before it gets out of hand. Have her hide or lock up her meds. Then you need to start talking about this to people who have been there before you. People who followed a program of recovery and are clean and sober today because of it. That could be NA/AA or therapy...anything to get out of your head.

We are not bad people trying to get good...we're sick, trying to get better.
Thanks Everyone for your input:

I am hopeful now that I have admitted to someone, anyone, that I started this again, I can begin to do what is necessary to put it behind me...Again.

Since it has only been a few months and, honestly, only one pill at the end of the day (in fact, there have stretches of four or five days where I have not used since I started sneaking the pills) I am hopeful that this will be short lived.

It is just nice and comforting to know that someone else out there is listening to me and knows how I feel. I am committed to telling my wife to keep her pills put away, I just need to take this a step at a time.

Thank you again, Everyone.. I will keep reading and posting and look for a group to attend.

BTB
Hi BTB,

I would definitely be honest with her and tell her as soon as you have the opportunity. Like someone else says, it builds trust. Does she know about your initial addiction? It's nothing to be ashamed of or feel weak over. We are only human and it's easy to be triggered into previous behaviour. Try not to beat yourself up over it. It's great that you are only taking one pill a day. But you are going to have to be honest with yourself and make your wife hide them away so you can't have access. Otherwise, you will just increase the dosage and the problem won't just go away on its own.

Let us know how you are doing.

Rachel :)
It might be tough to tell her, but I think if u keep taking them it will eventually go up to more then one a day. It was hard to tell my wife, or to admit to her what she knew. She now hides her pills most of the time. Since I am on suboxen they dont work, so I am not tempted, but it is still better if she keeps them away. There still have been a couple times when I would see her bottle of loritabs and grab about 6 and swallow them only to have them not work. It is still better for me not to know where they are or even where my suboxens are.

They dont do anything, but when I held them I would still take more -hoping for something. Now she hides them, dispenses them and sometimes I forget to take them.
know where they are or even where my suboxens are.

They dont do anything, but when I held them I would still take more -hoping for something. Now she hides them, dispenses them and sometimes I forget to take them.

Hey Harry...am I reading this right? You're abusing your sub? Buddy, are you going to meetings? Talking with anyone besides us about what's up with you...seems like you still have a lot of the same behaviors going on and not doing anything about it? xxoo