In attempt to liven up this board, I thought I would start a poll...everyone likes these, right? Sure be nice to hear from some oldtimers too...check in everyone, K?
well, I checked suboxone 'cause that's what I was on after the pills. But I ct'd from the sub.
rustbelt
rustbelt
I went to an AA meeting and haven't picked up since. I cold turkeyed in the rooms but my thinking was I detoxed every time I ran out of pills, I just picked up again. So when the time came that I really meant to stay clean I ran out and didn't get more. I would sit in the meetings staring at the corners under the chairs praying a pill would appear cuz that would mean God didn't want me to quit, right? God I am so sick. When one didn't appear I took it as a sign that I was not meant to continue taking drugs and drinking. I threw myself into AA, went to meetings, worked the steps, and have stayed clean for a few 24 hours. I feel so sorry for people that still have to go thru withdrawal but it is doable and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My first year of sobriety was like a whole new high because I had taken pills for so long I didn't know what reality was like. Hard to explain if you haven't been there but if you have you know what I mean.
Hi Cowgirl
When I quit, it was a decision I made on a single day. After 3 years of using, I decided I couldn't live like that anymore.
Funny thing is, I had told myself the same thing repeatedly over the years. Always went back. Kinda like quitting smoking. You always buy just one more pack.
I realized one day that there were more important things in this world than me.
When I figured that out, all I had to do was decide if I wanted to be around to see it.
Here I am. 1185 days clean.
Hawk
When I quit, it was a decision I made on a single day. After 3 years of using, I decided I couldn't live like that anymore.
Funny thing is, I had told myself the same thing repeatedly over the years. Always went back. Kinda like quitting smoking. You always buy just one more pack.
I realized one day that there were more important things in this world than me.
When I figured that out, all I had to do was decide if I wanted to be around to see it.
Here I am. 1185 days clean.
Hawk
I woke up on a Monday morning and was putting on my Brooks Brothers suit to go off to my prestigious job, when I realized that I was living a lie. I was 34 years old, I was a drug addict and had been one for 18 years. I hated my life, and I hated me.
I flashed on the fact that it was all downhill from here. I have never been one to rely on enablers to bail me out and it looked like my future was not going to be pretty. I would probably lose my job, and destitution was sure to follow. My choices seemed to be institutions or death, and I knew that death was the more likely, probably at my own hand.
I had tried to quit dozens of times. Usually I caved within 24 hours, often before lunch if I had swore off the stuff on a weekend day. Once, I made it about 9 months, but I always came back and the obsession to use was always stronger than before. My sense of self will and determination was wearing thin. I was sick and tired of living a complete lie.
Rehab was not an option. I had to show up for work each day, or I would certainly lose my home. So I looked up NA in the phone book, and showed up at the meeting. I had no expectation of being able to make it more than a day or two, but I was willing to commit up to one night a week to go to a meeting if that would help.
They told me that I had to do 90 meetings in 90 days. They told me that most of us dedicated at least an hour a day to either scoring, using, or thinking about scoring and using, and so this was not unreasonable. Sadly, I had to agree. They told me that clean means clean, so no booze, even though I felt that alcohol was not a problem with me. They told me that I did not have to stay clean forever, just for today. They told me to keep coming back. I did not have the courage to walk forward to pick up a white chip at the end of the meeting, so I kind of sneaked up afterward when nobody was looking and stole one. For some bizarre reason, I actually took all these suggestions and many more. I think I was just too beaten down to put up much of a fight at that point.
The first nine months were horrific. I was convinced that this was not going to work and I really had no interest at all in the God thing, but I felt that this was my one and only chance, and out of desperation, I decided to give it my very best shot. I learned to open my mind to new ideas and found some relief after about three weeks. I made way over 90 meetings in 90 days, and just kept on going to a meeting each day afterward because I did not think I would stay clean on my own. Basically, all I did was try to show up for work and make meetings the rest of the time.
Six months in, I lost the job, and my house went into default soon thereafter. I was pretty sure that I was unemployable so I hung out a shingle, found a friendly landlord and waited for the phone to ring. I am still self-employed. Losing that job was the best thing that ever happened to me. I still live in the same house.
All that happened in 18 years ago. I have now been sober as long as I used. I have never relapsed but I have come damn close a few times during the first five years. I got involved with this board while dealing with cancer related pain, and frankly the thought or returning to a life addiction skeered me more than the thought of dying from cancer. With cancer, you only die once.
I went cold turkey when I entered recovery 18 years ago. When during the course of my cancer the time came for me to wean off painkillers, I had to taper. I was on very high dosages and in the middle of chemo, and it would have been a substantial health risk to have gone cold turkey.
My life is far from perfect, and no one has notified me that I am being nominated for sainthood, but my life is pretty darned good today. I doubt that I would have seen my 40th birthday had I kept on using.
AW
I flashed on the fact that it was all downhill from here. I have never been one to rely on enablers to bail me out and it looked like my future was not going to be pretty. I would probably lose my job, and destitution was sure to follow. My choices seemed to be institutions or death, and I knew that death was the more likely, probably at my own hand.
I had tried to quit dozens of times. Usually I caved within 24 hours, often before lunch if I had swore off the stuff on a weekend day. Once, I made it about 9 months, but I always came back and the obsession to use was always stronger than before. My sense of self will and determination was wearing thin. I was sick and tired of living a complete lie.
Rehab was not an option. I had to show up for work each day, or I would certainly lose my home. So I looked up NA in the phone book, and showed up at the meeting. I had no expectation of being able to make it more than a day or two, but I was willing to commit up to one night a week to go to a meeting if that would help.
They told me that I had to do 90 meetings in 90 days. They told me that most of us dedicated at least an hour a day to either scoring, using, or thinking about scoring and using, and so this was not unreasonable. Sadly, I had to agree. They told me that clean means clean, so no booze, even though I felt that alcohol was not a problem with me. They told me that I did not have to stay clean forever, just for today. They told me to keep coming back. I did not have the courage to walk forward to pick up a white chip at the end of the meeting, so I kind of sneaked up afterward when nobody was looking and stole one. For some bizarre reason, I actually took all these suggestions and many more. I think I was just too beaten down to put up much of a fight at that point.
The first nine months were horrific. I was convinced that this was not going to work and I really had no interest at all in the God thing, but I felt that this was my one and only chance, and out of desperation, I decided to give it my very best shot. I learned to open my mind to new ideas and found some relief after about three weeks. I made way over 90 meetings in 90 days, and just kept on going to a meeting each day afterward because I did not think I would stay clean on my own. Basically, all I did was try to show up for work and make meetings the rest of the time.
Six months in, I lost the job, and my house went into default soon thereafter. I was pretty sure that I was unemployable so I hung out a shingle, found a friendly landlord and waited for the phone to ring. I am still self-employed. Losing that job was the best thing that ever happened to me. I still live in the same house.
All that happened in 18 years ago. I have now been sober as long as I used. I have never relapsed but I have come damn close a few times during the first five years. I got involved with this board while dealing with cancer related pain, and frankly the thought or returning to a life addiction skeered me more than the thought of dying from cancer. With cancer, you only die once.
I went cold turkey when I entered recovery 18 years ago. When during the course of my cancer the time came for me to wean off painkillers, I had to taper. I was on very high dosages and in the middle of chemo, and it would have been a substantial health risk to have gone cold turkey.
My life is far from perfect, and no one has notified me that I am being nominated for sainthood, but my life is pretty darned good today. I doubt that I would have seen my 40th birthday had I kept on using.
AW
Hawk said something that really stuck with me...that you weren't the most important person in the world. Well, we are, but we have to have something that's bigger than us to believe in because this disease is bigger than us. Finding a "higher power" doesn't necessarly mean religion, it could be anything. The point is, you are not alone and if you believe that someone or something can guide you, you're half way home.
AWest..if this is who I think it is, welcome back buddy..you are a sight for sore eyes.
AWest..if this is who I think it is, welcome back buddy..you are a sight for sore eyes.
My heart warms each time I have looked in on this Board, CG. you have done a great job offering compassionate guidance on this Board. I am proud to know you.
August.
August.
omygolly ,I remember you now .hello and your rite about cg ..shes my sweet sister .and we all miss you august.love poopie
I do not necessarily agree with you Cowgirl. This disease was definitely NOT bigger than me. I could not take a defeatists attitude toward my recovery just based on who I am as a person. That was why I cannot get past the first step...anyway, this isn't about that. I definitely had to decide what was more important...life or getting high and eventually death. The decision was simple, but the work was hard....very hard. To me it was a challenge of the highest, a tall mountain that needed to be climbed. I hate losing so that fueled me to stay the course. I don't think I can ever say that I have won, but I am definitely way ahead.
It's ok that you disagree...it's just what works for me. It was bigger than me, something that I was powerless over to control. I had no control. Something that doesn't work well for me, I'm a control freak. I get what you're saying and I'm so glad that that's what worked for you. It takes what it takes. ((hug))
yes, I concur. I think we have ultimately achieved sobriety with a method that best fit our individual character. I have a friend who chose Suboxone to stay clean and it probably saved his life. I certainly would not have gone that way and doubt that you would have either, but Jimmy is alive and sober and thats what matters.
I have to be honest...if I had known about sub back then, I probably would have asked for it. Anything that's the easy way out for me. Luckily, I didn't even know what it was so I didn't have to deal with it. I have nothing but respect for people who are on it and are trying to get off of it though.
Lisa suboxone saved one life mine. I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING MY DOCTOR. BIG CHANGE FOR THIS ADDICT TO TRUST A DOCTOR BIUT I DID.AND SHE WAS A BEETCH AND I LOVE AS SHE SAVED MY LIFE.
This is just my stinkin opinion."sub" ..ITS NOT SOME AWFUL DRUG YOU CANNOT STOP. THERE IS A CORRECT WAY AND THEN THERE AFRE PEOPLE WHO HAVE IGNORANT PATHETIC DOCTORS.I HAVE READ SO MANY HORROR STORIES AND IT SADDENS ME AS ITS THE DOCTORS 9 OUT OF 10 TIME S FAULT. YOU NEED DIRECTION FROM AN ADDICTION SPECIALIST IF PUT ON SUB IMO-best chance of kicking your opite addiction.
You have not surrendered to the disease. Were all different and there is no 100% how 'SUB will work BUT if you have The following
1. A DOCTOR WHO IS NOT A QUACK IS AN ADDICTION SPECIALIST -AND DEPENDING ON YOUR ISSUES A GOOD PYCOLOGIST SOMEONE YOU CAN TALK TO AND DEVELOP A TRUSTING RELATIONSHIP. DUE TO CHANGES IN OUR HEALTH CARE A SHRINK CAN ONLY DISPENSE DRUGS. NO TALKING NO THERAPY SO ITS IMO AND MAN IT HELPED ME TO TALK WEEKLY TO A PRO SO THESE DAYS NO SHRINK A PYCOLOGIST
2. YOU ATTEND AA imo GIVE IT 90 DAYS -A 90 AND 90 GET A TEMP SPONSOR AND SHOW UP TO MEETING FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT- LIKE I WAS TOLD BY 50 MILLION ADDICTS SINCE I ENTERED AA IN 1987 --WHERE THE 90-90 LEADS YOU??
3. YOU ACCEPT YOUR LIFE (FOR ME THE TOUGHEST THING OF ALL ACCEPTANCE)
4 YOU CHANGE YOUR STUPID BEHAVIOURS AND THIS IS VERY ROUGH. FOR ME? PROSTITUTES (COCAINE 20 YEARS THIS MONTH SINCE MY LAST BLAST) ALL FORMS OF PILLS (CAFFEINE MY LATEST CHANGE) AND BASICALLY BEING GRATEFUL FOR WHAT i HAVE AND NOT WHAT I LOST. OH AND GAMBLING AND FOOD GOD i LOVE THE ACTION. AND LOVE TO EAT GOOD FOOD. I HAVE LOST ALL THE WEIGHT I GAINED WHICH IS FOR ME A FREAKIN MIRACLE--
FIVE WEEKS AGO MY LIFE WENT?? I AM SITTING HERE WRITING AND THINKING HOW LUCKY I AM YES I WAS THROWN A CURVE BALL OR A KNUCKLER AND AM BLIND IN ONE EYE. HAD A PITY PARTY AN REALIZED TIME TO DEAL WITH MY REALITY.
I AM SCARED ABOUT MY JOB -ADJUSTING HAS BEEN ROUGH --I AM ON 30 DAY LEAVE AND WORKING HARD TO DEAL WITH MY HEALTH.THE STRESS CAUSES MY BODY TO BE WRACKED IN PAIN. PAIN SUCKS BUT LIFE WITH PAIN IS BETTER THAN DEATH.
LISA OUT OFALL THE THE REHABS I HAVE BEEN TO THE SHRINKS I WAS A A PROZAC STUDY PATIENT BEFORE THE FDA APPROVE THE DRUG YOU NAME IT i DID IT AND SINCE MY FIRST SHRINK IN 1976 THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME ALIVE TILL TONIGHT 7-2-2008 IS ONE CONCEPT
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
THIS IS HOW JEFFT THE ADDICTSTAYS SOBER
HOPE LIFE IS TREATING YOU WELL
GOOD NIGHT LISA--
P.S
MY SIS AND BRO IN LAW FLEW IN TONIGHT AND SURPRISED ME AND MY DAD--I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH WONDERFUL LOVING FAMILY. TONIGHT WHEN MY SISTER OPENED THE DOOR AS AT FIRST I HAD NO IDEA WHO IT WAS --I WAS SET UP BY MY SISTER WHO TOLD ME THIS AFTERNOON ON THERE WAY TO THE HAMPTONS - INSTEAD THEY WERE AT THE AIRPORT. AS THEY WOORIED ABOUT ME.-IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT MY DAD IS DOING AMAZING CONSIDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. HE IS AMAZING AND MY IDOL--HE IS MAKING AN AMAZING RECOVERY.
DUE TO MY STROKE I HAVE NOT SEEN MY GIRLS IN A MONTH. THIS FRIDAY THEY ARE COMING-AND MAN I CANT WAIT.
IF YOU TRULY ACCEPT LIFE ON LIFES TERMS AND LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH A SETBACK YOU GROW AS A PERSON. YOU GET STRONGER AND ARE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS WHO HAVE NOT BEEN WHERE YOU HAVE.
THIS HAS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE.
I AM A BLESSED MAN
JEFF
This is just my stinkin opinion."sub" ..ITS NOT SOME AWFUL DRUG YOU CANNOT STOP. THERE IS A CORRECT WAY AND THEN THERE AFRE PEOPLE WHO HAVE IGNORANT PATHETIC DOCTORS.I HAVE READ SO MANY HORROR STORIES AND IT SADDENS ME AS ITS THE DOCTORS 9 OUT OF 10 TIME S FAULT. YOU NEED DIRECTION FROM AN ADDICTION SPECIALIST IF PUT ON SUB IMO-best chance of kicking your opite addiction.
You have not surrendered to the disease. Were all different and there is no 100% how 'SUB will work BUT if you have The following
1. A DOCTOR WHO IS NOT A QUACK IS AN ADDICTION SPECIALIST -AND DEPENDING ON YOUR ISSUES A GOOD PYCOLOGIST SOMEONE YOU CAN TALK TO AND DEVELOP A TRUSTING RELATIONSHIP. DUE TO CHANGES IN OUR HEALTH CARE A SHRINK CAN ONLY DISPENSE DRUGS. NO TALKING NO THERAPY SO ITS IMO AND MAN IT HELPED ME TO TALK WEEKLY TO A PRO SO THESE DAYS NO SHRINK A PYCOLOGIST
2. YOU ATTEND AA imo GIVE IT 90 DAYS -A 90 AND 90 GET A TEMP SPONSOR AND SHOW UP TO MEETING FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT- LIKE I WAS TOLD BY 50 MILLION ADDICTS SINCE I ENTERED AA IN 1987 --WHERE THE 90-90 LEADS YOU??
3. YOU ACCEPT YOUR LIFE (FOR ME THE TOUGHEST THING OF ALL ACCEPTANCE)
4 YOU CHANGE YOUR STUPID BEHAVIOURS AND THIS IS VERY ROUGH. FOR ME? PROSTITUTES (COCAINE 20 YEARS THIS MONTH SINCE MY LAST BLAST) ALL FORMS OF PILLS (CAFFEINE MY LATEST CHANGE) AND BASICALLY BEING GRATEFUL FOR WHAT i HAVE AND NOT WHAT I LOST. OH AND GAMBLING AND FOOD GOD i LOVE THE ACTION. AND LOVE TO EAT GOOD FOOD. I HAVE LOST ALL THE WEIGHT I GAINED WHICH IS FOR ME A FREAKIN MIRACLE--
FIVE WEEKS AGO MY LIFE WENT?? I AM SITTING HERE WRITING AND THINKING HOW LUCKY I AM YES I WAS THROWN A CURVE BALL OR A KNUCKLER AND AM BLIND IN ONE EYE. HAD A PITY PARTY AN REALIZED TIME TO DEAL WITH MY REALITY.
I AM SCARED ABOUT MY JOB -ADJUSTING HAS BEEN ROUGH --I AM ON 30 DAY LEAVE AND WORKING HARD TO DEAL WITH MY HEALTH.THE STRESS CAUSES MY BODY TO BE WRACKED IN PAIN. PAIN SUCKS BUT LIFE WITH PAIN IS BETTER THAN DEATH.
LISA OUT OFALL THE THE REHABS I HAVE BEEN TO THE SHRINKS I WAS A A PROZAC STUDY PATIENT BEFORE THE FDA APPROVE THE DRUG YOU NAME IT i DID IT AND SINCE MY FIRST SHRINK IN 1976 THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME ALIVE TILL TONIGHT 7-2-2008 IS ONE CONCEPT
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
THIS IS HOW JEFFT THE ADDICTSTAYS SOBER
HOPE LIFE IS TREATING YOU WELL
GOOD NIGHT LISA--
P.S
MY SIS AND BRO IN LAW FLEW IN TONIGHT AND SURPRISED ME AND MY DAD--I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH WONDERFUL LOVING FAMILY. TONIGHT WHEN MY SISTER OPENED THE DOOR AS AT FIRST I HAD NO IDEA WHO IT WAS --I WAS SET UP BY MY SISTER WHO TOLD ME THIS AFTERNOON ON THERE WAY TO THE HAMPTONS - INSTEAD THEY WERE AT THE AIRPORT. AS THEY WOORIED ABOUT ME.-IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT MY DAD IS DOING AMAZING CONSIDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. HE IS AMAZING AND MY IDOL--HE IS MAKING AN AMAZING RECOVERY.
DUE TO MY STROKE I HAVE NOT SEEN MY GIRLS IN A MONTH. THIS FRIDAY THEY ARE COMING-AND MAN I CANT WAIT.
IF YOU TRULY ACCEPT LIFE ON LIFES TERMS AND LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH A SETBACK YOU GROW AS A PERSON. YOU GET STRONGER AND ARE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS WHO HAVE NOT BEEN WHERE YOU HAVE.
THIS HAS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE.
I AM A BLESSED MAN
JEFF
You have not surrendered to the disease.
Not sure what you meant by that comment? Do you think I haven't surrendered? If so, you are sadly mistaken.
Not sure what you meant by that comment? Do you think I haven't surrendered? If so, you are sadly mistaken.
Actually Lisa, i think he (Jeff) was just making a generalization. I too had a choice to take sub, and the process was explained to me by several other pill addicts I knew who were recovering with sub. However, one of them had been on it for 3 years and that kinda scared me. I am just very weary now about taking anything.
I love polls! Kudos to you guys that did it cold turkey! I wish I could have done it that way, but I am grateful the path I chose made it possible for me to be clean for 11 months! It still was not easy! I have to work a program to stay clean!
I am interested to know what OTHER means...what OTHER way to get off this stuff...??? Thanks Mocha.
Jeff-
That is normal with a serious illness and divorce. Just dont let it freak you and until you see them, talk to them on the phone every day. They are probably worried.
QUOTE |
DUE TO MY STROKE I HAVE NOT SEEN MY GIRLS IN A MONTH. THIS FRIDAY THEY ARE COMING-AND MAN I CANT WAIT. |
That is normal with a serious illness and divorce. Just dont let it freak you and until you see them, talk to them on the phone every day. They are probably worried.
Hey Danny-How you feeling?
I was unable to see them due to the fall. I was in so much pain for 3weeks unable to sleep seriously brusied sternum /Ribs- tore freakin cartlage and badly bruised ribs-elbow- knees-also--I still cant swim as the motion hurts like a mother. Doctor said 3 months? they took another Xray yesterday as well as an MRA of my coradic arterie.
I am on the mend and trying to adjust to being blind in the one eye. Its difficult but it will get better with time--so says all the doctors? It sucks man but wtf can you do?
So last weekend was the first time I felt well enough to see my Kids.
The timing oft the event was awful as I missed my daughters high School Graduation and my little ones 9th birthday in June and a trip to N.Y --Vacation and my neices bat mitzvah which was the reason for the trip to N.Y-- so I missed a lot of good sheet.
My sister and Bil totally surprised me flying in to see me. So it was a lot of fun.;We had an awesome 4th-and the past week was real good as spent the week with my family.
Anyway you starting to sweat as the Mets will be running away with the division and we will beat you badly in the playoffs assuming we both make it to the playoffs.
Man its almost Football time. Training camp around the corner. If you ahve NFL Network as part of your cable package you can keep up with daily sessions. Prettty cool if your a degenerate football fan.
Feel Good Danny
Jeff
I was unable to see them due to the fall. I was in so much pain for 3weeks unable to sleep seriously brusied sternum /Ribs- tore freakin cartlage and badly bruised ribs-elbow- knees-also--I still cant swim as the motion hurts like a mother. Doctor said 3 months? they took another Xray yesterday as well as an MRA of my coradic arterie.
I am on the mend and trying to adjust to being blind in the one eye. Its difficult but it will get better with time--so says all the doctors? It sucks man but wtf can you do?
So last weekend was the first time I felt well enough to see my Kids.
The timing oft the event was awful as I missed my daughters high School Graduation and my little ones 9th birthday in June and a trip to N.Y --Vacation and my neices bat mitzvah which was the reason for the trip to N.Y-- so I missed a lot of good sheet.
My sister and Bil totally surprised me flying in to see me. So it was a lot of fun.;We had an awesome 4th-and the past week was real good as spent the week with my family.
Anyway you starting to sweat as the Mets will be running away with the division and we will beat you badly in the playoffs assuming we both make it to the playoffs.
Man its almost Football time. Training camp around the corner. If you ahve NFL Network as part of your cable package you can keep up with daily sessions. Prettty cool if your a degenerate football fan.
Feel Good Danny
Jeff
Mocha...besides cold turkey, tapering and sub, there really isn't many other ways...the biggest thing is getting support. You don't have to do this alone. Let people in on your secret. Once it isn't a secret anymore, it takes all the power out of it. Admitting that you are powerless was key for me. Tapering never worked, I would always find an excuse to keep using. I had to flush what I had and surround myself with people who knew how to help me. NA and AA saved my life and made it possible.