My boyfriend is a pain killer addict. He got thrown out of the pain clinic he was in about 6 months ago for taking too many pills. He moved to the city I am in and moved in with me. He used to say he needed to take the pills for pain from having a degenerative bone disease and arthritis and breaking his back. He has been going to all kinds of doctors trying to get back into a pain clinic, but they can't find anything wrong other than some tight muscles in his back. He does not have the diagnoses he said he did. He still insists he has severe back pain.
He has lied to me about a number of things and many of them are trivial.. stuff that it wouldn't matter if he told the truth.. and I have caught him lying to his family to manipulate them into giving him praise. Why? It bothers me. I told him that. Its better to tell the truth now then to lie and the truth come out later. Its far more hurtful to be lied to than for someone to do a thing you are against and own up to it. I know he is trying to avoid the disappointment or anger from him family by telling them the truth, but if you make the choice, you should own up to it...
Recently he started NA. I had caught him buying drugs at work and using at work and told him he had to stop or I was leaving. Of course the program isn't really working because he didn't initiate it. He goes to the doctor or ER every week or two with some kind of pain to get drugs. MY back hurts, my leg hurts, my chest hurts, my head hurts, I have a sore throat... seriously - they gave him narcotics for a sore throat. He went to the ER 5 times in 6 months.
I think he is still buying at work. It is worse that he is risking his job buy practicing this behavior on the job. He comes home some nights and has too much energy and goes around cleaning like mad with pin-point pupils. I ask, he says he is not using. I can't believe him. On the weekends when he doesn't go to work, he cant get out of bed because he "feels bad" or is "in pain". It is very frustrating. I feel like he is in withdrawal on those days.
Just this weekend he was in bed all day with stomach cramps, nausea, and diarrhea but denied being in withdrawal and blamed it on food poisoning from frozen chicken strips he ate. I have class in the morning and then come home before he goes to work.the day after the stomach cramps, I came home early because my test was over and $50 was missing from the counter where I put it with my grocery coupons I was using to go shopping later, and he was gone. this was over an hour before he had to go to work. He says he was at the hospital figuring out a payment plan for his ER visits, but he told me a month ago he got that straightened out already. I can't stop thinking he took my money and bought drugs. When he got home, he flipped out that I accused him of taking it and left. Even though he said he can see how it would look that way and that he has lied to me in the past...
I just don't know if I can trust him. Or how I would ever feel like I can trust him. He says he stopped lying to me, but I don't believe it. His stories never add up. I think he lies about how much money he makes each week, which is variable... (because suddenly he is $600 short on bills in April). He lies about what he eats for lunch (because we are struggling and he is not supposed to be eating out, but hates eating normal food and leftovers) He lied to NA about being clean so he could get the next tag... He got a 30 day tag 2 days after abusing a prescription he got. :/
I want to believe him... but I don't want to be stupid and have it turn out he lied to me the whole time and used me to support him while he spent all his money and some of my money getting high.
How do any of you deal with dishonesty and trust in these situations? Am I just being paranoid?
I am sorry to hear of your pain. It is sadly a common story.
I strongly encourage you to seek out a Family Support Program. Al Anon or NAR Anon are a couple of options. They are in the telphone book, listed online, and are free.
Chronic Pain is a common failing into addiction. I know several people with ming-boggling and painful injuries who have found a better way of living off pain pills. Opiates retard the body's natural pain-killing capibility - which results in pain getting worse even when taking a horse-ration of opiates.
However, there is nothing you can do to help your loved one find recovery. It is up to them.
You DO have the power to ensure you are healthy and reasonably happy - whether your loved one is well or not. This is where the Family Program (Al Anon or NAR Anon) will be of great help to you. Find a meeting, get a sponsor, read the literature, work your own steps, etc.. It bears much good fruit.
I hope this helps.
Fly
I strongly encourage you to seek out a Family Support Program. Al Anon or NAR Anon are a couple of options. They are in the telphone book, listed online, and are free.
Chronic Pain is a common failing into addiction. I know several people with ming-boggling and painful injuries who have found a better way of living off pain pills. Opiates retard the body's natural pain-killing capibility - which results in pain getting worse even when taking a horse-ration of opiates.
However, there is nothing you can do to help your loved one find recovery. It is up to them.
You DO have the power to ensure you are healthy and reasonably happy - whether your loved one is well or not. This is where the Family Program (Al Anon or NAR Anon) will be of great help to you. Find a meeting, get a sponsor, read the literature, work your own steps, etc.. It bears much good fruit.
I hope this helps.
Fly
Hi smsprauge2 , sorry to tell you all addicts in active addiction lie, it's what we do , we lie to ourselves, we tell ourselves we are not really addicted, we lie to everybody around to hide our addiction - if we cannot admit to ourselves we are addicted, we are not going to admit it to anyone else - so we lie to protect our addiction - we will manipulate anybody and any situation that will facilitate our addiction- the drugs come before everybody and everything - sorry but thats the reality of addiction.
it is time you started taking care of you - you are not responsible for your BF's addiction - you cannot "fix him" - only he can make that choice, to get clean - while he is using, you cannot trust him, sorry but you need to realise this- it's only natural you want to help him - but you cannot, not until he decides he wants help - not just telling you he has quit, he has to demonstrate this to you over a sustained period of time
- you are worth more than this - you do not deserve to live like this - , you need to end this now, either he goes and gets help and commits to a program, long term (addiction is a life long battle) or he continues to use. he is the only one who can make this decision, he really needs to want this- needs to want it really badly- recovery is hard work- but can be done- whatever choice he makes it is not your responsibility- you have to ask yourself, do you want to live like this, never knowing when he is using or not- never knowing when he will steal from you (another common thing with addicts ) do you want to live with this hanging over you-
YOU GOTTA start being as selfish as him - look after you- if you want some support from people in the same situation, look up your local Nar - Anon group you will be made welcome, not judged just supported and given advice by like minded people- reach out for help and support - you are far from alone in this situation (unfortunately) keep posting here if you need more support or advice - there are alot of people on here that are dealing with the same problem with loved ones- look after you - YOU ARE WORTH IT - all the best
it is time you started taking care of you - you are not responsible for your BF's addiction - you cannot "fix him" - only he can make that choice, to get clean - while he is using, you cannot trust him, sorry but you need to realise this- it's only natural you want to help him - but you cannot, not until he decides he wants help - not just telling you he has quit, he has to demonstrate this to you over a sustained period of time
- you are worth more than this - you do not deserve to live like this - , you need to end this now, either he goes and gets help and commits to a program, long term (addiction is a life long battle) or he continues to use. he is the only one who can make this decision, he really needs to want this- needs to want it really badly- recovery is hard work- but can be done- whatever choice he makes it is not your responsibility- you have to ask yourself, do you want to live like this, never knowing when he is using or not- never knowing when he will steal from you (another common thing with addicts ) do you want to live with this hanging over you-
YOU GOTTA start being as selfish as him - look after you- if you want some support from people in the same situation, look up your local Nar - Anon group you will be made welcome, not judged just supported and given advice by like minded people- reach out for help and support - you are far from alone in this situation (unfortunately) keep posting here if you need more support or advice - there are alot of people on here that are dealing with the same problem with loved ones- look after you - YOU ARE WORTH IT - all the best
You are NOT paranoid. He is lying. You already KNOW this...you just dont want to believe it. I know its hard but take it from an addict who has lied her a** off and also been on the receiving end of lies told by addicts I have loved. Get out now honey. Even if an addict comes clean and takes responsibility for their actions ...recovery is slim. This guy cant even do that. He cant fix what he wont admit to. Im sorry.
I feel your pain. Just reading your post made me cry because it brings back so many emotions and flashbacks of my own situation with my boyfriend. My boyfriend has been clean for 6 months and I still have a very hard time trusting him. Some days I wonder if I'll ever fully be able to trust someone who lied to me for the first 6 months of our relationship, who hid what he was doing, who he was with, and who he really was. Last night I couldn't get ahold of him because he was sleeping and I started having flashbacks to when he was using. At that time I didn't know what was going on, but now that I know, I freaked out and got all worried and concerned that he was using again. Some days I think that everything has been a lie....his whole recovery, everything that he tells me about being clean. And I cannot stand to think what a fool I'll look like if he does go back to using.
I wish I could tell you that it will work out. Some days are better than others, but you may never be able to trust your boyfriend again. You definitely should not trust him whatsoever while he is in active addiction. You need to take care of yourself. Once you take a step back and stop focusing so much on him, you'll realize how much you've neglected your own happiness. If he doesn't want to get help, there's nothing you can do to change his mind. You are powerless over the addict. The only thing you can do is change how you live your life.
I sincerely hope things get better for you. It breaks my heart when I read posts like yours because I know the pain and struggle that goes along with trust issues.
I wish I could tell you that it will work out. Some days are better than others, but you may never be able to trust your boyfriend again. You definitely should not trust him whatsoever while he is in active addiction. You need to take care of yourself. Once you take a step back and stop focusing so much on him, you'll realize how much you've neglected your own happiness. If he doesn't want to get help, there's nothing you can do to change his mind. You are powerless over the addict. The only thing you can do is change how you live your life.
I sincerely hope things get better for you. It breaks my heart when I read posts like yours because I know the pain and struggle that goes along with trust issues.
Once you realize that you can't do anything to fix his manipulation, a HUGE weight will be lifted. I am on a break with my love because I realized this. Still in much pain and such a hard time but once you realize it is not your fault in any way and you cannot do anything, you will have a strange sort of relief.
All of this manipulation and lies are due to his addiction, doesn't mean he is a bad or dishonest person, he is doing what he has to do to get drugs. This will stop if he really wants to get clean. The lies about the random things is what addicts do...in their minds lying about these trivial things is necessary to get the drugs or seem "clean." It makes no sense it is just what they do.
He is not going to stop lying and being dishonest with you unless he gets clean and stays clean. And if he doesn't want to go to rehab or meetings or put in an effort, it isn't going to change. He has to.
None of this doesn't mean he doesn't love you or what y'all have isn't real. It just means he is sick. He needs to get help if you are going to be with him. But don't let yourself feel guilty because it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
All of this manipulation and lies are due to his addiction, doesn't mean he is a bad or dishonest person, he is doing what he has to do to get drugs. This will stop if he really wants to get clean. The lies about the random things is what addicts do...in their minds lying about these trivial things is necessary to get the drugs or seem "clean." It makes no sense it is just what they do.
He is not going to stop lying and being dishonest with you unless he gets clean and stays clean. And if he doesn't want to go to rehab or meetings or put in an effort, it isn't going to change. He has to.
None of this doesn't mean he doesn't love you or what y'all have isn't real. It just means he is sick. He needs to get help if you are going to be with him. But don't let yourself feel guilty because it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Thank you everyone. I think I'm finally at the point where he has to get clean before he gets any more chances. He has been stealing my pain medication it got after being in the hospital for kidney stones - which can induce preterm labor and I'm 30 weeks pregnant. When I confronted him, he said sorry but he needs it... Then got angry and started yelling about all the thugs he thinks I do wrong. I just can't do this anymore. There is no way he can be a good father acting like this. He also immediately texted another girl and told her we broke up. I'm an attractive, smart, young woman who can find someone to treat me better. I'm getting my PhD for godsakes! Now sometimes I think he has just been with me because he thinks I will get paid a lot when I graduate... It's a horrible feeling.
I'm actually in the car at the doctor's office right now because he woke me up yelling about how he is in so much pain and needs medicine. He brought a cane to walk with that he doesn't actually need to convince the doctor of how much pain he is in.
He has been using my second car to go to work and only seems to care that he continues to get to use it even though he has been verbally abusing me and I told him it's over. I'm not going to live my life in pain because he has an addiction and refuses to believe there are any other options.
Wish me luck!
I'm actually in the car at the doctor's office right now because he woke me up yelling about how he is in so much pain and needs medicine. He brought a cane to walk with that he doesn't actually need to convince the doctor of how much pain he is in.
He has been using my second car to go to work and only seems to care that he continues to get to use it even though he has been verbally abusing me and I told him it's over. I'm not going to live my life in pain because he has an addiction and refuses to believe there are any other options.
Wish me luck!
you need to start taking care of you - get shot of him- you can do alot better- i think you know yourself, he is just using you - end it now and move on with your life- best of luck -
