Thank you to those that responded to my post yesterday. Your input was helpful.. but I can not seem to find the strength to throw my 19 year old son out. I keep hanging on to the last bit of hope that today, yesterday, tomorrow, when he says he's done with heroin that it's for real. Today I went out and spent over $50 on over the counter meds to help him quit cold turkey because he was sick at work today from withdraws and said he's done thanked me over and over. Well he left work sick but didn't come home he's on his way to his dealer that was 3 hours ago. My beautiful son who is not even out of his teens yet. I am embarrassed and ashamed if and when my friends find out and if I kick him out they will we live in a small gossipy town. And if I kick him out I'm so afraid he will feel he has nothing left and will overdose. When does this end? How can I throw him to the streets when it is my motherly instincts to protect him? The pain and grief (yes grief because I have already lost my son) is so raw it physically hurts.
Look at it this way....
As long as you keep enabling him he will not hit bottom.
You, he and your family will continue down this painful road.
He has to hit bottom. This is what AA says but all addictions are the same. (same 12 Steps)
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily...y=2016&m=1&d=16
The mother bird kicks the chicks out of the nest when it's time.
If she didn't they may not learn how to fly and fend for themselves.
Are you attending Nar-Anon meetings? I think they would really help you.
All the best.
Bob R
As long as you keep enabling him he will not hit bottom.
You, he and your family will continue down this painful road.
He has to hit bottom. This is what AA says but all addictions are the same. (same 12 Steps)
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily...y=2016&m=1&d=16
The mother bird kicks the chicks out of the nest when it's time.
If she didn't they may not learn how to fly and fend for themselves.
Are you attending Nar-Anon meetings? I think they would really help you.
All the best.
Bob R
One thing that is so hard is that what we believe MUST be rock bottom might not be their rock bottom. We have to let them find their rock bottom, just like we must find out what out boundaries are.
Papa Bear, and Sombra, Thank you for your support and words they mean so much to me. I am taking the advice and kicking him out I can not live on pins and needles he's going to use no matter what I do. I can no longer police him. Papa Bear I do not go to NA support meetings but I am going to look into them today it's too hard to do this alone. If I didn't have the support I get here I would not know what to do next. Thank you for letting me lean on u all. I wish you all peace and happiness.
Hi, i too along with my husband have agonised over this decision also. But nearly a year and a half has passed and we know we have to kick our 19 yr old out so that she can hit rock bottom. As we too are just enabling her and cushioning her, saving her everytime by providing a home, clothes, food and creams to get her back on track. I feel your pain, it goes against our motherly instincts to help our children. BUt ive realised we have to so that she can wake up to this sooner rather than later otherwise we will still be talking about it in years to come. It is a reality that she may get worse but even at home this could happen and we have to let her feel her consequences of taking the drugs because sat the moment there aren't many for her. And one things for sure no addict will give up drugs easily. Good luck, hope it works out for us all. lots of hugs to you.
Trina, it's so sad that we both have such young children addicted to this crap. We have been dealing with it about the same amount of time as you have. running to get whatever it takes to help them yet again when they say they are done but we are the ones being fooled they know we will keep letting them stay haven't we proved that in the last year and a half. I chased my son down this morning (in a car) he was supposedly home sick I was not out of the house 15 minutes when he left to go get his drugs I was pulling out of a side road and there he goes right by me I followed him but when he hit speeds over 65 on a small town road I backed off. He then had the balls to call me to ask why I called him(I called him after I chased him went to voicemail) He said it wasn't me I'm home. REALLY?? do you think I'm stupid? anyway he went back home probably s*** his pants the lengths he will go to to lie. So once again he's saying I'm sorry I'm glad you saw me, I need to get past these withdraws. So I stopped him today, BUT there is always a tomorrow and I can't do it again.
Hi, I so agree with Trina. They stay at home so the money they have they don't have to spend it to buy food,pay bills that come along with having an apartment etc. I know I've been there with my daughter. At 17 yrs old my daughter was on heroin. But I didn't have the guts to throw her out because I felt sorry for her and wanted to help her get off drugs. Well fast forward 17 yrs later and just a couple month ago I finally washed my hands of helping her. I'm done! I never thought I'd see the day when I'd get to feeling like this but thank God I have. I had to find this website to read posts and get advice from other mothers before I could tell I was enabling. Then I didn't know how to stop enabling. But you read on here often enough you find the way. It's like a heavy load has been lifted off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about her. But you have to remember these are not the kids we knew. These kids have a survival instinct now and will con,steal, lie anything to get them drugs or a place to stay. They all know someone or somewhere to go. Our nerves get all shot to hell while they get high and couldn't care less about us worrying. That's why you have to tell yourself enoughs enough. No one can function living under this torment or they'd lose their mind. There were times when I thought I would lose mine. Never a night went by I wouldn't break my heart crying and begging God to help her. I knew I couldn't go on living with this worry. If I couldn't help her then I had to help me! Because there's only one person who is going to help you and that's you! So if you have to find extra strength from somewhere, do it! This website will help! If I could reach through here and take your pain away I would. I've heard say that God never gives us more than we can handle. I've wondered about that too and then I see what hell I've already come through that I never thought I could. So I'm sure there's truth to that. Look what you've handled up until now. Your stronger than you think. Hang in there, we're all with you. I hope whatever you decide to do works. God bless. Mary.
Thank you all so much. I did it!!!
Hi Mom, I hope it works and he sees sense soon and starts to want his life back. It's a hard life they have once they get hooked on this stuff. It's hard for us to watch them destroy themselves too. Your a good mom don't ever doubt that because we like to blame ourselves. Take care, Mary.
I feel your pain and too will not allow my 18 year old daughter to come home. It is one of the hardest things to do. She is homeless. My daughter is sick ... if it were cancer i would go to her and comfort her. But with addiction it is enabling and hurts her as well.
It has been hell knowing I can't help her, fix her and take away her pain. All I can do is let her know I will always love her, believe in her and if she ever wants help I will be there in whatever way I can.
Every night I go to bed and place her in God's hands. I mourn the daughter I once had. I allow myself the time to grieve but do not let it swallow me. Some days are better than others...it is progress. Alanon has helped me tremendously. Others are going through what I am. It helps to know that I am not alone and do not have to be ashamed. I didn't cause it, I can't control it because Lord knows I have tried, and I can't cure it. Let Go and Let God.
Please know that you are not alone. We are parents doing the best we can under some pretty awful circumstances. Make sure you take some time to be kind and loving to yourself.
Susan
It has been hell knowing I can't help her, fix her and take away her pain. All I can do is let her know I will always love her, believe in her and if she ever wants help I will be there in whatever way I can.
Every night I go to bed and place her in God's hands. I mourn the daughter I once had. I allow myself the time to grieve but do not let it swallow me. Some days are better than others...it is progress. Alanon has helped me tremendously. Others are going through what I am. It helps to know that I am not alone and do not have to be ashamed. I didn't cause it, I can't control it because Lord knows I have tried, and I can't cure it. Let Go and Let God.
Please know that you are not alone. We are parents doing the best we can under some pretty awful circumstances. Make sure you take some time to be kind and loving to yourself.
Susan
I am new here, so I hope it's okay to jump in. I just wanted to offer another perspective. I am by no means an expert on this, I am terrified and trying to learn all I can so that I can help my son. I feel hopeless and overwhelmed the majority of the time. My son is a heroin addict who is in rehab for the second time in 4 months.
What I want to say is do your research and reading and decide for yourself what feels right, don't kick your son out if it doesn't feel right. I don't agree with the archaic advice that an addict has to hit rock bottom to get better. Rock bottom can mean dying in many cases.
I wrestled with it for awhile too when my son relapsed. I am trying to find the balance between helping him and not enabling him. I do think addiction is a disease, just like cancer, only we know less about it and there is less help and knowledge about drug addiction. My son has a disease. I will not give him money or help him with rent or let him live here while he's using drugs, but I will find the money and time to put him in rehab, to find him addiction counselors, and to get him on meds that can help him stay clean. As long as he's willing to get help, I will help him get there and not leave him on the streets.
One more day on the streets means one more day on drugs that further impact his brain and makes it even harder for him to get help and for his brain to heal. One more day means another chance for him to overdose.
Like I said, I'm new and don't know your story. Maybe your son refuses to go to rehab. But don't believe your son has to suffer alone and that you have to turn your back on him in order for him to be helped. Yes, an addict can't truly get better unless they want to get help and they want to make the change. But relapse unfortunately seems to be part of the process. Maybe my son will stay clean this time, I can't give up as long as he wants to try. In the end he has to make the choice not to be with people who have drugs, to avoid triggers, to go to meetings, to take his meds that will help him stay clean, to stay in therapy so he can learn to deal with the underlying mental and life issues that lead him back to drugs. I can't do that for him. But I can help him connect with help when he wants to try again.
I am hesitant to even post this, because I know nothing. My son is not recovered, who knows if he ever will be. I know how hard it is to even know what to do, there's not judgement attached to what I said, I only want to offer another perspective. I know we're each walking through our own private hell and I wish you the best and hope your son gets the help he needs.
What I want to say is do your research and reading and decide for yourself what feels right, don't kick your son out if it doesn't feel right. I don't agree with the archaic advice that an addict has to hit rock bottom to get better. Rock bottom can mean dying in many cases.
I wrestled with it for awhile too when my son relapsed. I am trying to find the balance between helping him and not enabling him. I do think addiction is a disease, just like cancer, only we know less about it and there is less help and knowledge about drug addiction. My son has a disease. I will not give him money or help him with rent or let him live here while he's using drugs, but I will find the money and time to put him in rehab, to find him addiction counselors, and to get him on meds that can help him stay clean. As long as he's willing to get help, I will help him get there and not leave him on the streets.
One more day on the streets means one more day on drugs that further impact his brain and makes it even harder for him to get help and for his brain to heal. One more day means another chance for him to overdose.
Like I said, I'm new and don't know your story. Maybe your son refuses to go to rehab. But don't believe your son has to suffer alone and that you have to turn your back on him in order for him to be helped. Yes, an addict can't truly get better unless they want to get help and they want to make the change. But relapse unfortunately seems to be part of the process. Maybe my son will stay clean this time, I can't give up as long as he wants to try. In the end he has to make the choice not to be with people who have drugs, to avoid triggers, to go to meetings, to take his meds that will help him stay clean, to stay in therapy so he can learn to deal with the underlying mental and life issues that lead him back to drugs. I can't do that for him. But I can help him connect with help when he wants to try again.
I am hesitant to even post this, because I know nothing. My son is not recovered, who knows if he ever will be. I know how hard it is to even know what to do, there's not judgement attached to what I said, I only want to offer another perspective. I know we're each walking through our own private hell and I wish you the best and hope your son gets the help he needs.
