My son is 16 yrs only. He has used weed for a number of months but we have had a couple of bad weekends spread over a couple of months with Him doing cocaine, owing money and recently this weekend (After a good couple of months) he was obviously high as a kite. He has recently got a summer job so now has access to real money and the result of his paycheck! We spoke to him this evening was very open about our concerns but for him 'It's just what kids do and we act like he is a herion addict. However, we saw how quickly he went from enjoying the odd joint to be adgitated and unable to relax if he couldnt smoke weed and i just feel i know his personality is an addictive one (Runs in family also) i just think if we can find a way to help now before it does become a problem and i honestly think now he is going to have real money he will very quickly get on a bad path that will be so painful for him. he has said tonight that he was doing coke but he thinks what he got wasnt coke but something else (Maybe Ketamine/Meow meow) he said he was really scared because his heart was so wrong he thought he would die, his legs and mouth were numb and he didnt urinate for over two days. Yet he still says its nothing to do with coke, cos that isnt what he got. We try to explain that you never really know what you get or what its mixed with but i think he shuts down not wanting to hear. What is the best thing for us to do at this moment in time so he doesnt get deeper into this? I have told him i am always here, we have told himi f he talks to a doctor it is totally confidential, a doctor cant tell us etc i listen not just be cross but what is the best please? I would appreciate any thoughts people want to share.
my son is in his twenty's, probably started drinking in high school, but very under the radar. so we didnt pay attention to it. also did not want to start much-a-do about nothing. Fast forward thru college dabbled in recreational drugs, I think coke and also pills. Also under the radar. no problems except grades were in the C range. After college, professional job for 4 years. still was able to keep it quiet until the drug use ramped up and life was unmanageable ( oxy, zanx ... ) even though his dad and I suspected drug use, we could not find any proof for a year. Then we found proof. kicked him out, he moved out of state, got a job, said thing would be different, turning life around. That was one year of long distance Hell. We thought stopped, how could have have a drug problem and still go to work every day? He was a functional addict. And the pill addiction is harder to spot, easier to hide. It did not stop, it ramped up, and so did the lies. the next year (2015) in and out of rehab and half way house trying to make it on his own. This year, a new half way house, better program. Currently he is making it on his own at a temporary job. Left the profession he was in. Right up to this year's detox, rehab, halfway house, he continued to state that "it' wasnt that bad, prescription pill, not drugs, not a big deal, everyone is doing it"
My point, the more money he had, the more he spent. Money is a really big problem for addicts and recovering addicts.
My regret, that we did not put an end to the problem sooner.
My point, the more money he had, the more he spent. Money is a really big problem for addicts and recovering addicts.
My regret, that we did not put an end to the problem sooner.
Hi! That's my biggest regret is not putting an end to it sooner. But the day I found her drug stuff I pulled her out of high school and that was the end of that. Didn't work! She was 17 yrs old and got $30,000 dollars as a claim and spent every bit of it on heroin over about 6 months. I tried everything! Michelle your son can become addicted to this in a heartbeat. I'm so sorry! But he is already addicted to weed. Read the posts on pot and cocaine and get information on it all and then let him have it! Stay with rules attached or continue on drugs and your out! But he needs to detox from weed so far let's hope the cocaine hasn't got its hooks in him because that will be hard to get off the more he uses. I would also start home schooling him too, anything that keeps him away from the company that does the drugs.But in saying all this ...it's what I did and even that didn't work. Hell I moved from the west coast to east coast to try get her away from drugs and even that didn't work. Good luck. Mary.
Hi Mary, thank you for your post i am scared that we are in for this horrendous road i read from peoples stories here. He is out of school till september when he starts college (We live in England) Yesterday we told him now he has a job that Money is a bad thing for him to have because he is not in coontrol (Despite his protests) we gave him two options a) Stop working or b) Continue to work but we hold and manage his money. The fact that he wont have access to money has dawned on him as he has told me today he owes 220 to a dealer (from one weekend, and he had 70 cash before he got in debt) BUT he still doesnt see the bigger picture, tells us he has the money thing under control and wanting drugs isnt a problem, he may not be wanting them now because whatever he took has made him ill for 4 days, but as soon as he feels brighter be it a week or a month i know he will do drugs again on this binge type way. Nasty words were spoken so we have told him if he keeps his job its his responsibility to pay people because we certainly wont, if he thinks he has it in control then fine mange your own money but he enters this house high once, then he best hope a friend has a sofa he can sleep on because he will be gone! Reading everyones stories this seems to be where you have to get to eventually but i feel like we have taken a huge Gamble, this has only been going on six months and we are threatening to kick a 16 year old out of his home, what sort of parents are we???? We are thinking, because it is so so evident he isnt listening doesnt see a problem that maybe we have to give the control back and he has to crash before he wakes up and smells the coffee and understands he has to stop and thats when we can help him. But he is 16, if that happened im not sure i can forgive myself. Have we made the hugest mistake taking this stand?
Sorry, little vent there but it isnt like you can chat to friends because you are so embarrassed, i also work for the police (Staff not an officer) and could lose my job if he gets picked up, not the end of the world but my husband had three heart attacks 4 months ago and mine is the only income. I know that isnt the priority, of course i know that but just added pressure every single day, frightened he is going to get caught.
Anyway, i really appreciate you both for taking time to respond, you have been on veryhard journeys and i wish for you that there is hope and maybe a rainbow to come for you both x x x
Sorry, little vent there but it isnt like you can chat to friends because you are so embarrassed, i also work for the police (Staff not an officer) and could lose my job if he gets picked up, not the end of the world but my husband had three heart attacks 4 months ago and mine is the only income. I know that isnt the priority, of course i know that but just added pressure every single day, frightened he is going to get caught.
Anyway, i really appreciate you both for taking time to respond, you have been on veryhard journeys and i wish for you that there is hope and maybe a rainbow to come for you both x x x
Hi Michelle, All you can do is what your inside tells you to do. It's all a guessing game. I use to go in the drug hangouts and make my daughter leave because I wouldn't leave till she did. I tried everything that I thought might help her quit. I actually would take on this different attitude and stand up to the devil himself. It wasn't me! I'm a gentle person and fun loving, but I did it to stand my ground even when I was scared I would be dammed if I showed it. Not wise at all when I think back on it all. But I was fighting for my only child, my daughter! Fast forward 18 yrs, now she takes methadone and keeps it low enough to have her drug binges of crack cocaine or whatever else she takes. I think I'm a bit numb or bitter, maybe hardened to it all then I'll get this sad overwhelming "I've lost her" feeling. I have that feeling this week like I'm going to lose her or I've lost her and I'll stop myself from crying. Because I say "what's the use" as I've been going through this for so long. But I do think sometimes what it would have been like to have had a normal life with her. I'm raising my grand daughter of 10 yrs old now. I've had her since she was 2-3 yrs old. I hide it all from her as she's such a happy child but I'll have to tell her sooner or later. But not for now! So all I can say to you Michelle is do whatever you think is best only you know your son. Don't think your a bad mom or anything like that because your not! This is a "crisis drug epidemic" that's in the USA.(Heard that on TV) I don't know about UK/Britain. But I imagine it's the same. Also don't blame yourself for his drug use either. We mothers are good at that. But it's got nothing to do with anything you have done or didn't do!! There are no rules on what to do. I agree with you 16 is too young to throw him to the lions. Threatening him might be enough!! I hope so. Let him think you mean business. It might work. I'm here if you need to talk. They'll be other mothers come on to advise too. Take what info you think might help and leave what you think won't. We're all in this together and we're all here to help each other. Keep reading posts on here as they really do help. Good luck to you and God bless. Mary.
16 is not too young ...get him into a program...I was already a full addict by 16...it might not stop him directly but he will hear and know he has the tools early...some of it will stick...and by the time you have to let him go if he continues he will know how to get help when he wants it...I left at 16...and had no idea for many many years there was a different way...
Sadly..I should add this...he is learning how to manage his drugs.. he is looking for his drug of choice...you won't convince him of this...so don't try...but.if he has gone from weed to coke...you can bet he's already tried meth, speed, ecstasy and alot more...he is without a doubt also drinking heavily. ..he will never tell u the truth about his use so don't bother...and if you take his money...he will deal ...his thinking will be his drug money isnt his real money...he is learning what all drug addicts learn...his limits, his tolerance and how to survive with the disease...if he's hurting 4 days after he says he binged...he's probably using regularly and is beginning to understand what that means...
Sadly..I should add this...he is learning how to manage his drugs.. he is looking for his drug of choice...you won't convince him of this...so don't try...but.if he has gone from weed to coke...you can bet he's already tried meth, speed, ecstasy and alot more...he is without a doubt also drinking heavily. ..he will never tell u the truth about his use so don't bother...and if you take his money...he will deal ...his thinking will be his drug money isnt his real money...he is learning what all drug addicts learn...his limits, his tolerance and how to survive with the disease...if he's hurting 4 days after he says he binged...he's probably using regularly and is beginning to understand what that means...
I regret not doing something to stop my kids when we first saw signs of drug use. We though they would just dabble and get out on their own. We didnt know what to do and didnt want to create a big drama about it. My son was dealing, he was spending his pay check plus dealing plus getting money from me to actually eat pay bills gas. That was the worst year. then a rough year of rehabs, now he seems ok. but we still worry and are not sure about being clean, but we are not giving money, so that part is good.
my son kept it under the radar for years until he got hooked on pain meds. your son is telling you what is going on. He might be on a fast track.
If he is working and driving, he should not be using drugs while driving. you can start with that limitation. you know he is under the influence, do not let him drive. he can kill someone else.
take his paycheck and give him only what he needs.
Start looking up halfway houses and rehab and ask him which ones he wants to go to.
start showing him that your not going to put up with it and he will need to leave.
As Constantine is saying, do anything to get him out of it.
my son kept it under the radar for years until he got hooked on pain meds. your son is telling you what is going on. He might be on a fast track.
If he is working and driving, he should not be using drugs while driving. you can start with that limitation. you know he is under the influence, do not let him drive. he can kill someone else.
take his paycheck and give him only what he needs.
Start looking up halfway houses and rehab and ask him which ones he wants to go to.
start showing him that your not going to put up with it and he will need to leave.
As Constantine is saying, do anything to get him out of it.
Thank you everyone who has commented as scary as your stories are at least i know you have been where i have been and i dont have to feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk freely. I really sincerly wish all of you brighter days and hope in time this all ends.
Son not allowed to drive at his age in UK so one less thing to worry about. He talked last night about how quickly he has lost weight and how can he put weight back on (He has always been slight so when he does drugs within days he looks anorexic), the horrible thing was in mind im thinking ' he just doing the talk, telling me he is worried so i will think he wants to do better, going to start eating peoperly etc so i back off and leave him to it. How awful is that? What if he is really sad and worried about his weight and im thinking that. I was rather nonchalent and told him he is old enough to google and find healthy ways and what food is high in calories etc where as in the past id be researching, buying the food making extra snacks etc feels weird being this way :( He went out this afternoon, first time since his binge last Saturday and he came home clean, that was a sigh of relief. I completely get it is only relief for today but hey its a day where he has been able to get drugs and he hasnt. He has eaten a full meal properly because he is hungry which is good. I am realistic but i do like to secretly high five all the little good bits too. x x
Son not allowed to drive at his age in UK so one less thing to worry about. He talked last night about how quickly he has lost weight and how can he put weight back on (He has always been slight so when he does drugs within days he looks anorexic), the horrible thing was in mind im thinking ' he just doing the talk, telling me he is worried so i will think he wants to do better, going to start eating peoperly etc so i back off and leave him to it. How awful is that? What if he is really sad and worried about his weight and im thinking that. I was rather nonchalent and told him he is old enough to google and find healthy ways and what food is high in calories etc where as in the past id be researching, buying the food making extra snacks etc feels weird being this way :( He went out this afternoon, first time since his binge last Saturday and he came home clean, that was a sigh of relief. I completely get it is only relief for today but hey its a day where he has been able to get drugs and he hasnt. He has eaten a full meal properly because he is hungry which is good. I am realistic but i do like to secretly high five all the little good bits too. x x
Ahhhh NY....no..im not saying do everything and anything ....im saying let him know what's available. ..get him a program...you cant control it...you didn't cause it and you can't cure it...even at that age...
Constantine, thank you for the correction. It is such a difficult grey area. help, dont help, help how much, how little.... it is different for everyone. and in heinsight not sure what parts helped and what didnt. and going forward, what's going to make something better, or worse....
Good thing we can share our stories, and pick and choose what might work for each of us!
Thank you all for sharing!
Good thing we can share our stories, and pick and choose what might work for each of us!
Thank you all for sharing!
Michelle-
You won't know the outcome of your son's story until you get there. I've been where you are. So I understand and feel you. I'm praying for you and for him. Although he is 16, at least in the States, he is legally still a child, a minor. So, while you need him to participate, you don't need him to "consent" to treatment.
I want to join the chorus of people who are suggesting he enter treatment NOW! Here in the States, because he is a minor, you can put him in treatment without his consent. If I were in your shoes, I would run (not walk) to find detox or rehab services for him: individual therapy, group therapy, intensive outpatient, inpatient, partial hospitalization, AA/NA. Something. Don't wait. When he starts college, he will have the opportunity to experience a whole new array of drugs and other temptations. He should be armed with the knowledge and tools he needs to not be tempted to dabble, to withstand peer pressure and to deal with the stresses of college without using BEFORE he goes. (And he should have access for as long as he needs during his college career.)
Yes, the reality is that getting treatment now is only a preventative measure. From the previous stories and mine, it may honestly not work, or it may work only for a while. If it is successful (even for a while), you will be so pleased and happy that you did it. God Forbid, if it is not successful, or he later relapses, at least you can look back and say, "I did everything i could. I tried."
My 20 y.o. daughter started dabbling with pills and alcohol around age 14. She went from being an honor roll student in private school to remedial English classes in public school. She was running away, cutting classes, coming home drunk. We put her in juvie intensive outpatient rehab. She lived at home but went to the facility where she had individual and group sessions for several hours a day, up to 5 days a week. There was also a family component so that we got support, too. It was a good program. We even drove her to AA meetings and had private family therapy. But she didn't believe she had a problem or had an addiction problem or needed to changed. So, things didn't change.
Scared out of my mind (she was drugging, sexing, running away and drinking) but with a view to trying to save her, we sent her to a religious boarding school for troubled teens in the hinterlands of the Appalachian Mountains mid-way through her sophomore year of high school. The school was at the end of a long, hilly, unlighted dirt road; I refused to drive it even in the day time. They were constantly supervised. Uniforms. No electronics (no cell, no laptops, no ipods). Beans & rice were your dinner if you broke certain rules. Major infractions resulted in one being put in quarantine (which was basically solitary confinement). Basically, she was in baby jail although there were no bars on the windows or fences or guards. My sister-in-law had sent her wayward daughter there a few years earlier and it turned her life around.
Sending her away at age 15 1/2 was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was like admitting that I could not raise my child. BUT that worked! She cleaned up and got sober. (She couldn't buy a drug if she wan't to. No money. No access.) The consequences of breaking the rules were so draconian that she was a model student. She turned her life around and got serious. It took 11 months but my beautiful, smart, fun loving child had returned!!
She remained clean and sober for her senior year in high school. We moved her from the baby jail to a religious boarding school. She had much more freedom her senior year of high school than she did when she was in the West Virginia baby jail. But she was still supervised and was in the middle of No Place, USA. She continued to do well. Academic scholarship to college and all. She went to college about 180 miles from our home. She refused to get a therapist or counselor while at college. Altho she lived on campus and had to set her own rules, she did very well her first semester freshman year, 3.5 GPA! Phew, we thought, she conquered her drug and alcohol demons; she's learned coping skills; she's dealing with peer pressure; she's on the right path. Hallelujah!!! We began to exhale. That was January 2014.
My hubby and I still are not quite sure what happened. But with all her new found freedom and independence, no need to be accountable to anyone, and of course the "anything goes" atmosphere on campus, she started drinking and using heroin. She went from being an A- student to a D-. She stole all of our jewlery. She dropped out of that college in December 2015, entered a 7 day detox in February and then entered a 30 day inpatient program in March 2016.
Sitting where I am now with her in her 9th halfway house since April, looking for a job for the last 3 months and maybe 14 days clean, I am very happy that we made the choices that we did when she was a teenager. I have absolutely no regrets. I am praying for you but I know that you will make the best decision for you and your son.
Sending a cyber hug,
Lynn
You won't know the outcome of your son's story until you get there. I've been where you are. So I understand and feel you. I'm praying for you and for him. Although he is 16, at least in the States, he is legally still a child, a minor. So, while you need him to participate, you don't need him to "consent" to treatment.
I want to join the chorus of people who are suggesting he enter treatment NOW! Here in the States, because he is a minor, you can put him in treatment without his consent. If I were in your shoes, I would run (not walk) to find detox or rehab services for him: individual therapy, group therapy, intensive outpatient, inpatient, partial hospitalization, AA/NA. Something. Don't wait. When he starts college, he will have the opportunity to experience a whole new array of drugs and other temptations. He should be armed with the knowledge and tools he needs to not be tempted to dabble, to withstand peer pressure and to deal with the stresses of college without using BEFORE he goes. (And he should have access for as long as he needs during his college career.)
Yes, the reality is that getting treatment now is only a preventative measure. From the previous stories and mine, it may honestly not work, or it may work only for a while. If it is successful (even for a while), you will be so pleased and happy that you did it. God Forbid, if it is not successful, or he later relapses, at least you can look back and say, "I did everything i could. I tried."
My 20 y.o. daughter started dabbling with pills and alcohol around age 14. She went from being an honor roll student in private school to remedial English classes in public school. She was running away, cutting classes, coming home drunk. We put her in juvie intensive outpatient rehab. She lived at home but went to the facility where she had individual and group sessions for several hours a day, up to 5 days a week. There was also a family component so that we got support, too. It was a good program. We even drove her to AA meetings and had private family therapy. But she didn't believe she had a problem or had an addiction problem or needed to changed. So, things didn't change.
Scared out of my mind (she was drugging, sexing, running away and drinking) but with a view to trying to save her, we sent her to a religious boarding school for troubled teens in the hinterlands of the Appalachian Mountains mid-way through her sophomore year of high school. The school was at the end of a long, hilly, unlighted dirt road; I refused to drive it even in the day time. They were constantly supervised. Uniforms. No electronics (no cell, no laptops, no ipods). Beans & rice were your dinner if you broke certain rules. Major infractions resulted in one being put in quarantine (which was basically solitary confinement). Basically, she was in baby jail although there were no bars on the windows or fences or guards. My sister-in-law had sent her wayward daughter there a few years earlier and it turned her life around.
Sending her away at age 15 1/2 was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was like admitting that I could not raise my child. BUT that worked! She cleaned up and got sober. (She couldn't buy a drug if she wan't to. No money. No access.) The consequences of breaking the rules were so draconian that she was a model student. She turned her life around and got serious. It took 11 months but my beautiful, smart, fun loving child had returned!!
She remained clean and sober for her senior year in high school. We moved her from the baby jail to a religious boarding school. She had much more freedom her senior year of high school than she did when she was in the West Virginia baby jail. But she was still supervised and was in the middle of No Place, USA. She continued to do well. Academic scholarship to college and all. She went to college about 180 miles from our home. She refused to get a therapist or counselor while at college. Altho she lived on campus and had to set her own rules, she did very well her first semester freshman year, 3.5 GPA! Phew, we thought, she conquered her drug and alcohol demons; she's learned coping skills; she's dealing with peer pressure; she's on the right path. Hallelujah!!! We began to exhale. That was January 2014.
My hubby and I still are not quite sure what happened. But with all her new found freedom and independence, no need to be accountable to anyone, and of course the "anything goes" atmosphere on campus, she started drinking and using heroin. She went from being an A- student to a D-. She stole all of our jewlery. She dropped out of that college in December 2015, entered a 7 day detox in February and then entered a 30 day inpatient program in March 2016.
Sitting where I am now with her in her 9th halfway house since April, looking for a job for the last 3 months and maybe 14 days clean, I am very happy that we made the choices that we did when she was a teenager. I have absolutely no regrets. I am praying for you but I know that you will make the best decision for you and your son.
Sending a cyber hug,
Lynn
"My hubby and I still are not quite sure what happened."
Not having and/or working a program of recovery is what happened
Thinking we're "cured" is what happened.
Thinking we can have just a little booze or drugs is what happened.
Forgetting what made us come to recovery in the first place is what happened.
AA's BIG BOOK says it so well http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_85.htm
We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.
This is alcoholISm ... not alcohol(WASm)
It is with us and requires continuous treatment
The homepage of this website says "Recovery is a lifelong process."
and "Peer group support systems like 12 step programs are critical for most."
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach this for the families of addict/alcoholics.
It is a very important fact to remember.
All the best.
Bob R
Not having and/or working a program of recovery is what happened
Thinking we're "cured" is what happened.
Thinking we can have just a little booze or drugs is what happened.
Forgetting what made us come to recovery in the first place is what happened.
AA's BIG BOOK says it so well http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_85.htm
We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.
This is alcoholISm ... not alcohol(WASm)
It is with us and requires continuous treatment
The homepage of this website says "Recovery is a lifelong process."
and "Peer group support systems like 12 step programs are critical for most."
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach this for the families of addict/alcoholics.
It is a very important fact to remember.
All the best.
Bob R
A few thoughts:
The Devil - once I realized the drugs were the devil, and I was battling the drugs, not my child, I was able to be stronger and carry out better decisions. ex: this is not my child talking, this is the drugs talking.
Lies: you can not tell what is a lie. my child and others as you see from the posts - a master of deception. you can barely tell if they are high. other than urine testing. my husband and I would have arguments about whether the kid was or wasnt. child ALWAYS told me what I want to hear - then I am happy and relaxed, and off his back.
Owes $$ - another common one. "Ate out with friends, owe's sammy $20." I bought this one for a long time! Finally, told child - I did not borrow the $ it is not my debt to pay back. then, those requests stopped. the one most used, I spent the $ on food and gas for the car. Had to drive a friend home.... do not give him $ to pay someone. Tell him you will pay the person - only if you are willing to carry that out.
Loosing weight - my child also would talk about that "lost weight, getting healthy, need $ to eat better" When he was using, was not hungry, when not using was starving. these symptoms go back and forth. you cant tell if he is using based on what he is eating.
Husband's health - make it a priority. stress is a big deal in his condition.
That was another manipulator. I Didnt want husband to be stressed, so I became the middle man, but it was bad because I was enabling and hiding it. child knew he only had to manipulate me - that I would give in to keep peace in the house.
Regrets - I would rather my child be sober and have a good life, even if they hate me and never talk to me again because I was too hard on them and stopped being an enabler, if that is what it takes to keep them clean.
The only way to know if they are clean is to urine test. Take his paycheck, buy the urine test with his money. or make him go in the store to buy it. And the other way to know is to keep track of his money. Ask for receipts for everything. only if he gives receipts will you give more $$. both of you keep track of it on paper. get him to participate. If he does not participate, he is not committed. This is like making it a pain in the a** to get high.
This is the part where I should have been tougher. my child would be completely agreeable, yet not participate in the plan, or follow through. It was a false hope for me.
I did try to enforce this. He was living out of state, had to go to Dr. office. needed $ up front because of no insurance. I gave $ and said that I want receipt. He sent me pic of receipt.
A month later, same story, no receipt. I Also asked for food receipts - show me that it costs so much.... he sent pic of a few receipts - some were old, and not in the time frame. did not add up to more than a few dollars, folded so the date was not showing. he could not back up his stories.
About the dr - idk if the second time was true. I could have call the dr office, but I did not.
Idk if the !st receipt was true. He could have gotten someone to type it up. I do think it was true - I will never know.
To be fair, I think he was trying and half of what he said was true.
At the time I had heard of someone saying the year that her mom was tracking her to be sure she was clean - was a pain in the a** but it was worth it. I tried to implement that - too late.
I think the families of addicts ALL have these stories - this is what life with an addict amounts to - being a detective - over thinking every clue - questioning everything - and wondering why I'm I doing this. It takes up so much TIME, we get consumed by it.
About $$ - another young person was not able to manage their own money, the mom took over her paycheck, giving an allowance, the mom would use the kid's paycheck to pay the kid's bills on time, she was quickly able to pay off debt, and then start saving. Disguise it as a lesson in learning to manage finances. Also give your son the opportunity to help the household and not take from it.
hope this helps, sorry for long posts!
If my son wants to come back I will tell him he will have a year of receipt tracking, we get his paycheck and drive him to work. If he wants to come back, that is the deal.
The Devil - once I realized the drugs were the devil, and I was battling the drugs, not my child, I was able to be stronger and carry out better decisions. ex: this is not my child talking, this is the drugs talking.
Lies: you can not tell what is a lie. my child and others as you see from the posts - a master of deception. you can barely tell if they are high. other than urine testing. my husband and I would have arguments about whether the kid was or wasnt. child ALWAYS told me what I want to hear - then I am happy and relaxed, and off his back.
Owes $$ - another common one. "Ate out with friends, owe's sammy $20." I bought this one for a long time! Finally, told child - I did not borrow the $ it is not my debt to pay back. then, those requests stopped. the one most used, I spent the $ on food and gas for the car. Had to drive a friend home.... do not give him $ to pay someone. Tell him you will pay the person - only if you are willing to carry that out.
Loosing weight - my child also would talk about that "lost weight, getting healthy, need $ to eat better" When he was using, was not hungry, when not using was starving. these symptoms go back and forth. you cant tell if he is using based on what he is eating.
Husband's health - make it a priority. stress is a big deal in his condition.
That was another manipulator. I Didnt want husband to be stressed, so I became the middle man, but it was bad because I was enabling and hiding it. child knew he only had to manipulate me - that I would give in to keep peace in the house.
Regrets - I would rather my child be sober and have a good life, even if they hate me and never talk to me again because I was too hard on them and stopped being an enabler, if that is what it takes to keep them clean.
The only way to know if they are clean is to urine test. Take his paycheck, buy the urine test with his money. or make him go in the store to buy it. And the other way to know is to keep track of his money. Ask for receipts for everything. only if he gives receipts will you give more $$. both of you keep track of it on paper. get him to participate. If he does not participate, he is not committed. This is like making it a pain in the a** to get high.
This is the part where I should have been tougher. my child would be completely agreeable, yet not participate in the plan, or follow through. It was a false hope for me.
I did try to enforce this. He was living out of state, had to go to Dr. office. needed $ up front because of no insurance. I gave $ and said that I want receipt. He sent me pic of receipt.
A month later, same story, no receipt. I Also asked for food receipts - show me that it costs so much.... he sent pic of a few receipts - some were old, and not in the time frame. did not add up to more than a few dollars, folded so the date was not showing. he could not back up his stories.
About the dr - idk if the second time was true. I could have call the dr office, but I did not.
Idk if the !st receipt was true. He could have gotten someone to type it up. I do think it was true - I will never know.
To be fair, I think he was trying and half of what he said was true.
At the time I had heard of someone saying the year that her mom was tracking her to be sure she was clean - was a pain in the a** but it was worth it. I tried to implement that - too late.
I think the families of addicts ALL have these stories - this is what life with an addict amounts to - being a detective - over thinking every clue - questioning everything - and wondering why I'm I doing this. It takes up so much TIME, we get consumed by it.
About $$ - another young person was not able to manage their own money, the mom took over her paycheck, giving an allowance, the mom would use the kid's paycheck to pay the kid's bills on time, she was quickly able to pay off debt, and then start saving. Disguise it as a lesson in learning to manage finances. Also give your son the opportunity to help the household and not take from it.
hope this helps, sorry for long posts!
If my son wants to come back I will tell him he will have a year of receipt tracking, we get his paycheck and drive him to work. If he wants to come back, that is the deal.
Thank you everyone for your comments. NY Florida, im not sure we can get testing kits in the uk i will have to research but thank you very much for your thoughts and ideas. Husbands health is def a priority, but so is my sons for my husband and me! (you never know one day my health maight get to be a priority! Only joking- well sort of.
Hurtingmom- Thank you so much for sharing and for your virtual hug, very much needed. He doesnt have a job now, i think the boss took one look at him after the other weekend and figured he wanted no part of it (Which i cant say i blame him) so my son has a tiny bit of work money owed that he can pay one dealer. We have been honest, you lost your job because you looked and felt awful, lesson learned i hope. He went out again over weekend and only smoked weed, i get its not ideal but one moster at a time here for now. Hoping because the last he brought was not what it was sold as (He got ketamine not coke) and it made him feel unbelivably ill/ thought he was going to die etc he will be off stuff for a bit at least. I know as soon as he is well and has cash he will 'forget' how ill he was and we will be here again but i am enjoying the respite all the same. Hurtingmom- i really hope your daughter finds a way out of this nightmare for all of you x x x x
Hurtingmom- Thank you so much for sharing and for your virtual hug, very much needed. He doesnt have a job now, i think the boss took one look at him after the other weekend and figured he wanted no part of it (Which i cant say i blame him) so my son has a tiny bit of work money owed that he can pay one dealer. We have been honest, you lost your job because you looked and felt awful, lesson learned i hope. He went out again over weekend and only smoked weed, i get its not ideal but one moster at a time here for now. Hoping because the last he brought was not what it was sold as (He got ketamine not coke) and it made him feel unbelivably ill/ thought he was going to die etc he will be off stuff for a bit at least. I know as soon as he is well and has cash he will 'forget' how ill he was and we will be here again but i am enjoying the respite all the same. Hurtingmom- i really hope your daughter finds a way out of this nightmare for all of you x x x x
Yes, Papa Bear, she took it like she was "cured". And I guess we did too. Maybe because she cleaned up without going to meetings, she didn't see the need for them. In fact, I suggested and she rejected going to AA or getting any kind of support or therapy when she went to college. She even refused to go to church. And, since she was over 18 at that time, we could not force her. So, in that sense, in hindsight, yes, we know what happened.
But I still don't know exactly when she was introduced to heroin. What made her try it? Especially when I told her anything that had a recipe was addictive (and that included everything but weed). Especially when I reminded her of her pre-college history, that she had already been down that road before and was unsuccessful, that she had an addictive personality, etc. Who introduced her to Mr. Heroin? Was she at a party when she tried? I'd like to know the details. All I know is that one minute everything was good and the next she was lying, cheating, stealing, getting f****ed up and f***ing up.
Don't ask me what I'd do with the information. I just want to know.
But I still don't know exactly when she was introduced to heroin. What made her try it? Especially when I told her anything that had a recipe was addictive (and that included everything but weed). Especially when I reminded her of her pre-college history, that she had already been down that road before and was unsuccessful, that she had an addictive personality, etc. Who introduced her to Mr. Heroin? Was she at a party when she tried? I'd like to know the details. All I know is that one minute everything was good and the next she was lying, cheating, stealing, getting f****ed up and f***ing up.
Don't ask me what I'd do with the information. I just want to know.
That is the "powerless" part of addiction/alcoholism... We have lost the power to say "NO"
We are again "insane"
We are again "insane"
