I was with my ex for an incredibly intense 6months. After just a few weeks we were practically living together. He was the perfect, charming attentive boyfriend and I couldn't believe my luck. A few months in I realised he was using coke and smoking hash every day.
His behaviour changed, he became v insulting (veiled, manipulative insults) and really started to affect my self esteem. He progressed to talking about ex girlfriends and his ex wife a lot, putting them on pedestals, whilst belittling me and telling me his friends and family thought v little of me. He would stare at and flirt with any woman with a pulse in my presence and generally seemed to go all out to demean and disrespect me...to the point where people would make comments to me out of his earshot. He refused to meet my friends and insisted that we spend a lot of time in the company of his friends (and exes) and would behave dismissively towards me in front of them. He had no boundaries and would talk about our relationship in a derogatory way with his friends and exes. He just did not seem to know how to communicate or be in an adult relationship.
He admitted to me that he gets v depressed and suicidal and made me promise not to talk to his friends or family about his depression. I felt such a sense of responsibility towards him and an intense, complicated connection which is still there to some extent. I finished with him 6months ago when I realised that I had become utterly miserable and felt worthless. Such a difference from the person I had been before we met - happy, joyful, independent, loving life...and six months after ending our relationship I still feel worthless - as though he chewed me up, stole the life and light from me and spat me out. He wants to remain friends but each time he contacts me I'm transported back to that feeling of misery and worthlessness. Part of me wants to tell him just how much impact his behaviour had on me, how miserable I became as a result of our relationship. Part of me doesn't want to give him the satisfaction or the ammunition to tell his friends that I'm "not over him" when really it is the relationship and his behaviour which I'm struggling to recover from.
It's so complex, I understand that he is suffering which is why he lives the life of an addict and I am so torn between wanting to help him and wanting to get as far away from him as possible. His friends know that he uses recreationally but they don't know that it's a daily recreation! Apparently his parents are also aware...but they do nothing about it.
Each time I start to feel like myself again, I'm hit by another wave of thinking about him and the effects he had on me and I crash back down....
Two steps forward......x
cut this guy out of your life completely- take back the power and self esteem he has stolen from you- you are obviously a very caring person, by the fact you still worry about him-his addiction and drug use does not excuse his behaviour, he obviously has huge issues, but they are his problem to deal with. you are not responsible for this guy- you may benefit from talking to a counselor about the affect this guy has had on you- you owe it to yourself to take back what this guy has taken from you- do not give this guy permission to take the joy of life from you, he can only do that if you let him- you are still the same person that you were, regardless of what this guy said or did- he was probably jealous of what you had and tried to drag you down to where he was- dont let him do that- you are far better than that - i hope you find happiness in your life shortly, best of luck-
Thanks for your reply Travelin Man!
You're absolutely right, I do owe it to myself to reclaim my life - simple words but profoundly empowering! I have been taking steps to do that but it's a process as opposed to an overnight fix. I have attended codependent meetings as I recognise that I am codependent - I have a history of relationships where I tried to "fix" the other person - but this was my first relationship with an addict and it has been the most painful. I've also tried counselling but they (two different counsellors) did not really help. The first just did not understand at all and the second understood but did not change my perspective in any way so it just felt like a talking shop, an expensive one at that.
I know I need to cut him out of my life and I have almost succeeded but I can't help but feel that I'm abandoning him. No one seems to be helping him and I feel like I met him for a reason, and that there must be something I can do to make a difference.
How do I help him yet stay detached? I thought that if I make him aware of the impact he has on people this might shaken him a little ..tough love. But then I worry he will use this against me by telling his friends I'm character assassinating him or something equally ironic. I shouldn't care what others think of me but the thought of him spreading further lies about me is painful.
I forgot to mention, I think he's also a functioning alcoholic, he drinks at least a bottle of wine a night and more at the weekends when he starts drinking at lunchtime.
When I feel I'm making progress I start going round in circles over what is the right thing to do - for him and for me - t's exhausting!!
You're absolutely right, I do owe it to myself to reclaim my life - simple words but profoundly empowering! I have been taking steps to do that but it's a process as opposed to an overnight fix. I have attended codependent meetings as I recognise that I am codependent - I have a history of relationships where I tried to "fix" the other person - but this was my first relationship with an addict and it has been the most painful. I've also tried counselling but they (two different counsellors) did not really help. The first just did not understand at all and the second understood but did not change my perspective in any way so it just felt like a talking shop, an expensive one at that.
I know I need to cut him out of my life and I have almost succeeded but I can't help but feel that I'm abandoning him. No one seems to be helping him and I feel like I met him for a reason, and that there must be something I can do to make a difference.
How do I help him yet stay detached? I thought that if I make him aware of the impact he has on people this might shaken him a little ..tough love. But then I worry he will use this against me by telling his friends I'm character assassinating him or something equally ironic. I shouldn't care what others think of me but the thought of him spreading further lies about me is painful.
I forgot to mention, I think he's also a functioning alcoholic, he drinks at least a bottle of wine a night and more at the weekends when he starts drinking at lunchtime.
When I feel I'm making progress I start going round in circles over what is the right thing to do - for him and for me - t's exhausting!!
You might want to attend some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings in your area.
You can find them in your local telephone book or on-line.
All the best.
Bob R
You can find them in your local telephone book or on-line.
All the best.
Bob R
Thanks Bob, I'll take a look. I know I'm doing the right thing cutting him out completely but I still feel bad about it.
If anyone has anything brutally honest and direct to say that would stop me feeling so bad about walking away from him - I need to hear it! And I can handle it, nothing can be worse than what he put me through - what I mention in my posts are just a couple of examples, there was so much more!
Thank you - your replies help more than you realise x
If anyone has anything brutally honest and direct to say that would stop me feeling so bad about walking away from him - I need to hear it! And I can handle it, nothing can be worse than what he put me through - what I mention in my posts are just a couple of examples, there was so much more!
Thank you - your replies help more than you realise x
ask yourself why this guy doesent want you to talk to his family and freinds about his depression ? because it's b...ls...t perhaps-again its a way of sucking you back in and making you feel guilty about chucking him out of your life- this guy is displaying all the signs of an addict in active addiction- he is manipulating you and god knows who else- get as far away from this guy as you can and dont look back- he is not worth it- he is going to keep reeling you in- do not allow yourself to have any sympathy for him- and dont worry we addicts are great liars you are not the first to be used by an addicted partner, most of us have used people to get what we want at some stage in our addiction- for your own peace of mind and happiness forget trying to fix this guy- if the engine dropped out of your car would you try and put it back in ? no? why not? perhaps because you dont know how? this guys engine is all over the road, you aint going to be able to pick up the pieces and put it back together- their is no future in deluding yourself that you can change this guy- you cant-
