Hi everyone,
I don't really know where to begin so I'll just blurt it out -- my bf, who's currently living with me, is a recovering H addict. He has a prescription for Suboxone, which I've read a bit about and think it should help -- he's in a program and says he goes to meetings a couple of times a week. I put it that way because the past few days/weeks, I've begun to wonder if he's started using again.
I feel like an idiot for not knowing the signs "well enough" (I should, right?) -- or for not believing him when he says he's been clean for weeks. He started on the Sub back in August -- would he still be on it now? We just went away together for the weekend (for my birthday) and he was falling asleep at the breakfast table, sitting up, lids heavy, mouth wide open -- it was like seeing him when he'd been using and I panicked. Then he was acting strange a few times over the weekend, paranoid, like he was hiding something, going out to the car while I was in the tub...not panicky, but just a little off. I didn't want to be paranoid, but it brought up a lot of the old, scared feelings I got when I knew he was using.
This morning (we're home), I found a needle sitting on the counter of the bathroom. He was asleep, in bed. I woke him and told him what I'd found. He had no excuses, but said he honestly didn't know where it came from. He's been sleepwalking the last few weeks (had major insomnia for months now) -- one morning I found my makeup in the kitchen, dumped on the counter next to the sink, weird stuff like that. Says he probably had hidden gear all over the apartment and that must be where the needle came from.
I took the morning off work because I'm so shaken up. But I don't want it to ruin my life, or take over. Things are going really well for me. I don't know how to trust him or believe what he says -- how can I, when I found that in my bathroom? If he's serious about being clean, why would he have that anywhere near him?
I'm so upset -- spent the whole morning sleeping, tossing, turning, having nightmares -- I want to trust him again, but how?
If anyone has advice please tell me. I don't want to throw him out, but I don't want that stuff in my house. I don't want to abandon him, but I won't be with him if he's not serious about being clean. How do I know? How can you tell when a junky (even a recovering one) is lying? Can you ever?
Oh god, I'm exhausted and I have to go to work. No idea how i'm going to concentrate. Please -- anything you can say...I'll be back online tonight when I get back from work and will check back in periodically.
Hope you're all doing better than I am right now........
Lisa
Lisa,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know much about heroin, my bf is a crack addict. But from what you've described it really sounds like he's been using again. My bf acts like yours does too when he's relapsed, very secretive, forgetting things, sleeping alot..like you finding your makeup by the kitchen sink. Mine will do things like that and not remember.
I used to go through my garbage can and find tin foil, another clue. Your bf is not acting normal and the signs surely point towards his relapse.
Confronting him will do no good. They will lie as much as they can about it. One time I came home to find the lights shut off, he was sweating, his jaw moving side to side all signs of him being on crack yet he lied to me about it! Things were out of place as well. Later he couldn't remember anything..and he slept pretty much all night and next day, and missed work.
I hope I've helped a little, like I said, I don't know much about heroin. I hope the rest of your day was a little better, I know how hard it is to be at work when you are going through this.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know much about heroin, my bf is a crack addict. But from what you've described it really sounds like he's been using again. My bf acts like yours does too when he's relapsed, very secretive, forgetting things, sleeping alot..like you finding your makeup by the kitchen sink. Mine will do things like that and not remember.
I used to go through my garbage can and find tin foil, another clue. Your bf is not acting normal and the signs surely point towards his relapse.
Confronting him will do no good. They will lie as much as they can about it. One time I came home to find the lights shut off, he was sweating, his jaw moving side to side all signs of him being on crack yet he lied to me about it! Things were out of place as well. Later he couldn't remember anything..and he slept pretty much all night and next day, and missed work.
I hope I've helped a little, like I said, I don't know much about heroin. I hope the rest of your day was a little better, I know how hard it is to be at work when you are going through this.
Hi Lisa - sounds like you're having a real bad day. I think we have all been there - I know I have more than once. Trust is something a person earns. If you think your bf is back on H, then sooner or later he will get more careless and you will know. What you have to do is stop obsessing about it, detach from HIS problem, because it is HIS problem, not yours. If he is using you will find out. Then it is up to you what to do. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Take a deep breath and try to relax. I know it is easier said than done. But just try. Do something for yourself and keep busy doing other things that will keep your mind off HIS problem. I keep saying this because there is nothing you can do if he is using again. He is the only person who can help himself. I guess you know that by now. Read some of the detachment posts on here by Bob B. They helped me a lot! Hope you are doing better by tonite.
Lisa- you are under no obligation to trust him. Trust is something that must be earned, once the trust is gone, what do you really have. All the signs are there, the one thing you can trust is your gut instinct. Go with it. Drug test him and give him the choice. He can choose life or death, if he chooses death, don't let him take you with him. Sorry for being blunt, but sometimes that's what it takes for us co's to open our eyes. Life can never be normal living with an active addict.
Lisa, thanks for sharing. Please feel welcome here. You've taken a huge step in sharing your concerns. Many can't bring themselves to do that, even if they feel immediate relief from the troubles and isolation that they are feeling.
you have seen what you have seen. he's telling you,"are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?"
he's not in recovery. he's in full blown active addiction. and unless you react in a very determined way, he's eventually doing to take you down with him. he has given you no reason to trust him. separate yourself and detach as best you can. he has to want to quit and then has to be willing to do the necessary work, over time, to remain "in recovery."
at least do some study on addictions, recovery, and behaviors associated with addictions and addicts, then determine whether you are up to continuing to live in the same environment with an addict.
cajungirl makes excellence sense. read her post several times. it takes a while to absorb those notions. our sense of denial is very, very strong. cajungirl's been where you are, as has cynical and kitty.
you have seen what you have seen. he's telling you,"are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?"
he's not in recovery. he's in full blown active addiction. and unless you react in a very determined way, he's eventually doing to take you down with him. he has given you no reason to trust him. separate yourself and detach as best you can. he has to want to quit and then has to be willing to do the necessary work, over time, to remain "in recovery."
at least do some study on addictions, recovery, and behaviors associated with addictions and addicts, then determine whether you are up to continuing to live in the same environment with an addict.
cajungirl makes excellence sense. read her post several times. it takes a while to absorb those notions. our sense of denial is very, very strong. cajungirl's been where you are, as has cynical and kitty.
Thank you all so much for your support and posts. It was nearly impossible to concentrate at work today, but I knew if I didn't go in I'd be caving into HIS problem, like you said. So I had to at least make the effort.
I've done some research in the past about this addiction, and the main problem is, he works in the field of addiction (he's a counselor) so he's a pro at hiding it and brilliant at explaining away the problem. He's also amazingly intelligent (as I'm discovering are many addicts) and has the excuses down pat, so there's practically no way to know if he's been taking the Suboxone, or if he's using again.
Your advice about taking care of myself and focusing on me, not HIM, was a welcome reminder. I've got a lot of codependency in my history (imagine that?) so it's very easy for me to slip back into that. But after years (years!) of therapy, I know how to step back from that -- sometimes easier said than done, but still I understand and can make my best effort.
Again, thank you all for your posts. You're helping me to remember what's important, and that is exactly what I need right now (as you know, right?). So thank you. I'll be keeping in touch and reading more of your posts to catch up -- thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hugs to all,
Lisa
I've done some research in the past about this addiction, and the main problem is, he works in the field of addiction (he's a counselor) so he's a pro at hiding it and brilliant at explaining away the problem. He's also amazingly intelligent (as I'm discovering are many addicts) and has the excuses down pat, so there's practically no way to know if he's been taking the Suboxone, or if he's using again.
Your advice about taking care of myself and focusing on me, not HIM, was a welcome reminder. I've got a lot of codependency in my history (imagine that?) so it's very easy for me to slip back into that. But after years (years!) of therapy, I know how to step back from that -- sometimes easier said than done, but still I understand and can make my best effort.
Again, thank you all for your posts. You're helping me to remember what's important, and that is exactly what I need right now (as you know, right?). So thank you. I'll be keeping in touch and reading more of your posts to catch up -- thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hugs to all,
Lisa
Lisa - Justonemore gave me some excellent advice yesterday. Stick to the facts, to the truth. You cant go wrong with the truth. You cant regret the facts and you cant argue with the them.
1. We all know no matter how bright, loving caring etc. our addicts maybe relapse is always there - so whether you turst them or not, you must keep your eyes open ALWAYS
2. Needles do not appear out of nowhere, nor do make up bags travell on their own.
Those are more or less your facts right now. I spent alot of time making excuses up for my husband about why he just up and quit his fabulous job, I gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over and over again as to why one person had to go and check their checking account at the ATM about 2X daily, I made a million excuses a day as to why I would come home from work having dropped off my son at school and having picked up my son from school - while he was home sleeping. But in the end the facts were the facts, period. I still have a tendency to want to believe he is o.k. so what helps me is to sit down and look at the facts.
Take care,
1. We all know no matter how bright, loving caring etc. our addicts maybe relapse is always there - so whether you turst them or not, you must keep your eyes open ALWAYS
2. Needles do not appear out of nowhere, nor do make up bags travell on their own.
Those are more or less your facts right now. I spent alot of time making excuses up for my husband about why he just up and quit his fabulous job, I gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over and over again as to why one person had to go and check their checking account at the ATM about 2X daily, I made a million excuses a day as to why I would come home from work having dropped off my son at school and having picked up my son from school - while he was home sleeping. But in the end the facts were the facts, period. I still have a tendency to want to believe he is o.k. so what helps me is to sit down and look at the facts.
Take care,
