We had a son at 26 years old come home over a year ago from rehab. He died 4 days later.
Thankfully the cause of death was undetermined meaning he did not die of drugs. (pretty sad when you are relieved the loss of a child did not come from drugs)
We have 4 other children. One of them suffers from alcohol and xanex addiction.
He is 21. We sent him to rehab for 3 months. He came home and did not do the work and has relapsed on and off.
We have kicked him out twice,he has lived in a car, come home and asked for help i.e. treatment but the insurance will not pay and frankly that feels like something we are making him do. We said he knows what he needs to do,go to meetings ,work the steps.
He has every excuse in the book.School,job,girlfriend etc... We have said don't do any of this ,
work on getting sober ,make that your job right now.
He doesn't want that.
As you can imagine we are afraid of losing another child. He knows this and in his various states of use has held it over our head. The other kids are so scared to loss another sibling. Its blackmail.
What do we do?
My condolences on your loss. Try Try the Families/Partner of Addicts and consider AlAnon near you.
Asking a group of alcoholics how to go about not allowing us to get what we want seems counter intuitive. If (in my addictions) I knew how to fix myself and not blame those around me I wouldn't be here, you know what I mean? Accepting the truth about myself has never been my greatest asset...At least, until I found out the problem was me.
Asking a group of alcoholics how to go about not allowing us to get what we want seems counter intuitive. If (in my addictions) I knew how to fix myself and not blame those around me I wouldn't be here, you know what I mean? Accepting the truth about myself has never been my greatest asset...At least, until I found out the problem was me.
Sorry for your loss. Its horrifying what you are going through for sure. I understand the blackmail. I am still going through this with my husband. It never ends. I have tried so very many angles to stop enabling him to use. But I am at a loss to save myself from his treacherous monster.
No matter how many times you talk to him. No matter how many reasons he has to quit. Addicts continue to make the CHOICE to use and they simply don't care if it hurts themselves or those around them. All that matters is the next fix. No matter what drug of choice it might be.
Until they are TRULY ready to stop using. There isn't a thing you can do. No manner of twelve step programs or family consequences is going to hinder them from doing as they darn well please. They won't quit until the WANT to quit! It's that simple. THEY WANT TO USE!!!! Or they would stop.
I smoked cigarettes for many years. I smoked because I LIKED to smoke. One day, I decided that I really didn't want to smoke anymore. Too expensive, smelly, etc. So I quit. Just like that. Haven't smoked in 7 years. It was a choice. A decision I made to stop. I realize cigarettes aren't as bad as alcohol or drugs... but they are supposedly addictive (nicotine). I didn't need help or twelve steps. I just decided to be done. I decided it was selfish of me to inflict my cigarettes smell and second hand smoke on my children. I decided that I didn't wanna be a slave to cigarettes any longer.
I get really TIRED of addicts who struggle with on again/off again usage problems. They are WEAK and make stupid choices. There is nothing we can do. Recovery is in their hands and only their hands. What they do about it... is up to them. Honestly, there isn't a recovery program that can help them if they continue to WANT to use. THAT IS THE TRUTH!!!! Don't be fooled.
I feel for your suffering as I myself suffer at the hands of my addict partner. I am living in a private HELL of sorts. I am an unwilling enabler. I can't GET him out of my house.... so he can hit rock bottom and make the right CHOICE. I hope you can. Good luck.
No matter how many times you talk to him. No matter how many reasons he has to quit. Addicts continue to make the CHOICE to use and they simply don't care if it hurts themselves or those around them. All that matters is the next fix. No matter what drug of choice it might be.
Until they are TRULY ready to stop using. There isn't a thing you can do. No manner of twelve step programs or family consequences is going to hinder them from doing as they darn well please. They won't quit until the WANT to quit! It's that simple. THEY WANT TO USE!!!! Or they would stop.
I smoked cigarettes for many years. I smoked because I LIKED to smoke. One day, I decided that I really didn't want to smoke anymore. Too expensive, smelly, etc. So I quit. Just like that. Haven't smoked in 7 years. It was a choice. A decision I made to stop. I realize cigarettes aren't as bad as alcohol or drugs... but they are supposedly addictive (nicotine). I didn't need help or twelve steps. I just decided to be done. I decided it was selfish of me to inflict my cigarettes smell and second hand smoke on my children. I decided that I didn't wanna be a slave to cigarettes any longer.
I get really TIRED of addicts who struggle with on again/off again usage problems. They are WEAK and make stupid choices. There is nothing we can do. Recovery is in their hands and only their hands. What they do about it... is up to them. Honestly, there isn't a recovery program that can help them if they continue to WANT to use. THAT IS THE TRUTH!!!! Don't be fooled.
I feel for your suffering as I myself suffer at the hands of my addict partner. I am living in a private HELL of sorts. I am an unwilling enabler. I can't GET him out of my house.... so he can hit rock bottom and make the right CHOICE. I hope you can. Good luck.
I am really sorry to hear about your loss.
I understand that you live in fear of losing another child.
In my personal experience the only way that we can be free is to let go of the sense of control.
Every single person is free to make their own decisions and where those decisions will lead them.
The problem with the addict is that the drugs not only enslaves them but also the entourage.
Not all people who are addicts have millions to support their addiction without involving their families.
So we all end up paying the price.
I know that it is not easy to let go especially when you are a parent.
I guess taht the only way to stop enabling is to work on ourselves first and seek support.
I know that we all mean well and want to help but while helping the addicts we get hurt over and over again.
I think that we enable because it is easier to do that than to live with the anxiety.
I am learning more and more that I have to stop worrying about others.
What is meant to happen will happen.
So maybe working on ourselves and getting strong from within is the first step to take in order to be able to let go and stopp enabling.
I understand that you live in fear of losing another child.
In my personal experience the only way that we can be free is to let go of the sense of control.
Every single person is free to make their own decisions and where those decisions will lead them.
The problem with the addict is that the drugs not only enslaves them but also the entourage.
Not all people who are addicts have millions to support their addiction without involving their families.
So we all end up paying the price.
I know that it is not easy to let go especially when you are a parent.
I guess taht the only way to stop enabling is to work on ourselves first and seek support.
I know that we all mean well and want to help but while helping the addicts we get hurt over and over again.
I think that we enable because it is easier to do that than to live with the anxiety.
I am learning more and more that I have to stop worrying about others.
What is meant to happen will happen.
So maybe working on ourselves and getting strong from within is the first step to take in order to be able to let go and stopp enabling.
