When I went to a meeting a couple of weeks ago I heard a woman say something that really hit home with me. Some things that have happened last night and again today brought this back to the forefront of my mind today.
She was talking about people who try to "push your buttons." She said that she finally realized that she was the one who installed these buttons, so now she is the one who must learn to uninstall them.
So.....my question is.....how do you even begin to attempt to do this? I realize that it might be an impossible task if I don't have any sobriety. But I also think that if I don't learn ways to deal with these types of people, I don't know if sobriety is attainable.
I hope this doesn't sound confusing. I know I am writing in general terms because I don't want to get involved in long drawn-out details. I would like to hear if any of you have people in your daily lives that just like to see how far you can be pushed...you know, the people that seem to enjoy your misery. Avoidance would be the best solution but it's not possible in my case. Any suggestions?
that all falls under the serenity prayer, accept the things we cannot change and courage to change the things we can....we have no power over other people so we have to accept it..but what we do have power over is the way we react to other people.
Ok...let me add a little more. Even if it is just for the purpose of pounding on this keyboard so hard when I type that I will feel better by the time I am done. I am so upset over this that my chest hurts. I know it is stress and anxiety but I don't know what to do with it!
I really try with all that I am to remain calm and quiet and in control of my emotions when this s*** happens because I know that this person will feel rewarded when they get a rise out of me. But people like this are just relentless and WILL NOT give up until they get their payoff. My reaction to this type of situation is totally wrong...I know that. I get loud and I get upset. Then my next reaction is to seek refuge and comfort from my best friend...my pills. Without bothering to think about when my last dose was. Without caring whether the next dose will be the one to put me over the edge. All I can think is "So what if this time it kills me" and "That will teach him." Who am I really hurting here?
As childish and stupid as that sounds, that is how I feel and what I think. I don't know how to cope.
I really try with all that I am to remain calm and quiet and in control of my emotions when this s*** happens because I know that this person will feel rewarded when they get a rise out of me. But people like this are just relentless and WILL NOT give up until they get their payoff. My reaction to this type of situation is totally wrong...I know that. I get loud and I get upset. Then my next reaction is to seek refuge and comfort from my best friend...my pills. Without bothering to think about when my last dose was. Without caring whether the next dose will be the one to put me over the edge. All I can think is "So what if this time it kills me" and "That will teach him." Who am I really hurting here?
As childish and stupid as that sounds, that is how I feel and what I think. I don't know how to cope.
That's a GREAT way to put it: "the one who installed these buttons, so now she is the one who must learn to uninstall them" WOW. Never thought of it that way, but I love it! Thank you!
I don't have any answers per se, heck - something I am desparately trying to learn, and that saying will help. But one word comes to mind: detach. Easier said than done, but something I am trying to learn.
I look forrward to keeping an eye on this post, hopefully some other peeps come up with some good stuff.
Thanks for posting this!
I don't have any answers per se, heck - something I am desparately trying to learn, and that saying will help. But one word comes to mind: detach. Easier said than done, but something I am trying to learn.
I look forrward to keeping an eye on this post, hopefully some other peeps come up with some good stuff.
Thanks for posting this!
feelings are never childish, never diminish how you really feel about something, acknowledge your feelings for what they are, but then take a second and think about whats going on. have you ever heard the phrase living well is the best revenge. dont let anyone touch you,,actually you can sometimes find solace in doing exactly the opposite of what the other person expects you to do. then when they start losing there cool, you can actually sit back and get some small satisfaction out of it. the bottom line is when someone does something to you its there fault not yours. but when you relive it over and over in your head and react in self destructing ways then your taking the blame off of them and putting it on you. does that make any sense.
That's great bestill. Easier said than done sure, but great. A matter of practicing these principles.
I try contrary action. Meaning, my usual "reaction" doesn't work for me anymore. I try to not react immediately in my usual manner which can be with anger or I become defensive. I try to respond by being nicer and more caring. Easier said then done.
Rachel
Jodi
When I was using if someone made me angry or upset my immediate reaction was "I'll show you, I'll hurt me". I think a lot of us are/were like that. It took a while (sometimes I'm slow) but I finally came to realize how stupid that was. Most of the time the person I was angry with had no idea how I was letting them mess around in my head. It takes time and practice to stop reacting to people like that. It doesn't happen over night. My new reaction is smile and nod. And walk away. Let them rant and rave and look like idiots. Stay calm and serene no matter how you feel inside. That pishes them off.
You can uninstall those buttons, Jodi. Practice, practice, practice.
When I was using if someone made me angry or upset my immediate reaction was "I'll show you, I'll hurt me". I think a lot of us are/were like that. It took a while (sometimes I'm slow) but I finally came to realize how stupid that was. Most of the time the person I was angry with had no idea how I was letting them mess around in my head. It takes time and practice to stop reacting to people like that. It doesn't happen over night. My new reaction is smile and nod. And walk away. Let them rant and rave and look like idiots. Stay calm and serene no matter how you feel inside. That pishes them off.
You can uninstall those buttons, Jodi. Practice, practice, practice.
bestill,
I'm not ignoring what you posted. I am reading it over and over and thinking about it alot. I will respond more when I can organize my thoughts but I just wanted to post something, ANYTHING right now to keep this bumped up ahead of the "Awesome" post. This is much more important to me than that crap. This is my sanity and my life I'm talking about.
So, anybody else? If I could get a few more people's time here I'd appreciate it. Please don't waste all of your energy on that meaningless thread. Save a little for me. I need all of you right now. I need you in a way that you wouldn't believe.
Thank you.
I'm not ignoring what you posted. I am reading it over and over and thinking about it alot. I will respond more when I can organize my thoughts but I just wanted to post something, ANYTHING right now to keep this bumped up ahead of the "Awesome" post. This is much more important to me than that crap. This is my sanity and my life I'm talking about.
So, anybody else? If I could get a few more people's time here I'd appreciate it. Please don't waste all of your energy on that meaningless thread. Save a little for me. I need all of you right now. I need you in a way that you wouldn't believe.
Thank you.
What I've read, am trying to learn and practice (yes, easier said than done, but am trying, and aware of it).............is learning to ACT, rather than REACT. Something to think about.
Rachel, 12-Stepper, Chris,
You are all definitely the voices of calm and reason. And I appreciate you for it. I am going to try to let all of your words sink in. Right now I'm too much of a mess so I need to work on regaining my composure first.
This is a daily issue for me. I don't understand why it is hitting me so hard today but it is. Maybe I've just had enough. I do try to "kill em with kindness" and remain calm as to not give him the payoff he so desperately is seeking. I guess it has just all built up and had no place to go. So I am letting it out here and in tears. (You know, the kind that Oprah calls the "ugly cry"...where your face is all contorted. lol)
I take this kind of stuff so personally and that's what bothers me the most. As hard as it is, I try to remind myself that it isn't me. But I find myself questioning my own character. Am I really that bad of a person? Do I deserve to be mistreated and disrespected? I can put on a tough exterior but I am a human being with feelings. And my feelings are hurt terribly right now. And someone who is supposed to love me the most doesn't seem to get it.
You are all definitely the voices of calm and reason. And I appreciate you for it. I am going to try to let all of your words sink in. Right now I'm too much of a mess so I need to work on regaining my composure first.
This is a daily issue for me. I don't understand why it is hitting me so hard today but it is. Maybe I've just had enough. I do try to "kill em with kindness" and remain calm as to not give him the payoff he so desperately is seeking. I guess it has just all built up and had no place to go. So I am letting it out here and in tears. (You know, the kind that Oprah calls the "ugly cry"...where your face is all contorted. lol)
I take this kind of stuff so personally and that's what bothers me the most. As hard as it is, I try to remind myself that it isn't me. But I find myself questioning my own character. Am I really that bad of a person? Do I deserve to be mistreated and disrespected? I can put on a tough exterior but I am a human being with feelings. And my feelings are hurt terribly right now. And someone who is supposed to love me the most doesn't seem to get it.
Jodi:
Sometimes, for me, the best thing I can do for myself is walk away. I have to remove myself from a situation to get a better perspective. Recovery is about learning how to change behaviors. It's true, we cannot control people, places and things but we can control how we react. Write about your feelings, call someone. It does take the power out of it.
Rachel
Jodi..
I always try to look at it as I have the power to choose how I act when confronted with people who want to push my buttons. In my situations, usually the people pushing my buttons, want me to react in the negative way which only hurts me, never hurts them, in fact, makes them feel better knowing they got what the wanted, a negative reaction. When we are at peace with ourselves and don't react they way they want, then I win all the way around. It's a difficult task for me to do because 1st reaction is to lash out but if you stop and breathe, ask yourself "is it worth it?" or sometimes, I just be really nice to push their buttons...
Take care
Hang in there
I always try to look at it as I have the power to choose how I act when confronted with people who want to push my buttons. In my situations, usually the people pushing my buttons, want me to react in the negative way which only hurts me, never hurts them, in fact, makes them feel better knowing they got what the wanted, a negative reaction. When we are at peace with ourselves and don't react they way they want, then I win all the way around. It's a difficult task for me to do because 1st reaction is to lash out but if you stop and breathe, ask yourself "is it worth it?" or sometimes, I just be really nice to push their buttons...
Take care
Hang in there
I understand what you both are saying. We should have the power and control over our own reactions and feelings. It's my own fault that I don't have that. I gave my power away a long time ago. I need to try to figure out how to take it back.
wow jmr, your 2nd to last post, where you explain etc. That is me, in a nutshell. I could have written that. You're not alone jmr, you are not alone. I am learning so much from this post and plan to print it off by days' end and will read, and reread.
Thank you all! More suggestions and advice!!!!!! Thanks!
Thank you all! More suggestions and advice!!!!!! Thanks!
Jodi..
I know how you feel...with me, I couldn't change overnite but you can make small changes everyday. Today, try and take back just a little bit of your power. When you feel overwhelmed and want to lash out, talk yourself down..
Talking to yourself is what keeps me sane. Maybe today, instead of reacting to a situation, stop and calmly tell yourself, over and over, I am worth it. Take a walk, breathe the air, look at the sky and know you are loved.
I read your story and I can relate to what your going through, alot. You keeping posting and talking, because your helping me and others more than you know.
Do something for you today Jodi...anything, but just for you even if it is to watch a TV program that you like. Small steps, baby steps but take a step.
Take care and remember, you are loved.
I know how you feel...with me, I couldn't change overnite but you can make small changes everyday. Today, try and take back just a little bit of your power. When you feel overwhelmed and want to lash out, talk yourself down..
Talking to yourself is what keeps me sane. Maybe today, instead of reacting to a situation, stop and calmly tell yourself, over and over, I am worth it. Take a walk, breathe the air, look at the sky and know you are loved.
I read your story and I can relate to what your going through, alot. You keeping posting and talking, because your helping me and others more than you know.
Do something for you today Jodi...anything, but just for you even if it is to watch a TV program that you like. Small steps, baby steps but take a step.
Take care and remember, you are loved.
Well, Chris, I don't know about you, but I do not like being this way. Even as a child, I was relatively shy and quiet and my mom would try to push me to stand up for myself and to ask for what I need. As a matter of fact, I remember being in the hospital in labor with my first son. My mom was there with me. When I started getting really uncomfortable, she told me to call down to the nurses station to ask if I could get an epidural yet. I didn't want to "bother" them because I figured they would be too busy for me. Well, she had to call for me. Isn't that crazy? Sorry I'm getting off track here.
Anyways, I sit here and let myself get trampled on without saying a damn word. Can you say the word "Doormat"? I internalize every negative comment made to me...and sometimes even the neutral comments that I just happen to take the wrong way. I internalize this kind of stuff to the point where I actually get physically ill from it. I would bet you right now if I took my temperature, I'd have a fever. I used to get sick (vomiting and fever and all) whenever I had visitation at my dad's when I was little. I felt like I was a burden to him at times. He isn't a bad guy. He just doesn't show much emotion. I took that as meaning he didn't want me there. Anyways, he always ended up dropping me off at home a day or two early because I was sick. Within an hour, I felt fine.
Go figure I would marry a man who brought all of those feelings back to me. All of those theories about marrying into the same type of situation you grew up in seem to be true in my case. That really scares me for my kids.
I don't know if this has anything to do with my original post or not. I think to have power and control over my feelings and actions, I need to find a little self-worth. And I think to feel any self-worth, I need to quit doing things that make me feel like such a loser.
Sorry for rambling. I'm just trying to play psychiatrist on myself right now. I think I'll stop now! :)
Thanks, everybody for talking me down from that proverbial ledge.
Anyways, I sit here and let myself get trampled on without saying a damn word. Can you say the word "Doormat"? I internalize every negative comment made to me...and sometimes even the neutral comments that I just happen to take the wrong way. I internalize this kind of stuff to the point where I actually get physically ill from it. I would bet you right now if I took my temperature, I'd have a fever. I used to get sick (vomiting and fever and all) whenever I had visitation at my dad's when I was little. I felt like I was a burden to him at times. He isn't a bad guy. He just doesn't show much emotion. I took that as meaning he didn't want me there. Anyways, he always ended up dropping me off at home a day or two early because I was sick. Within an hour, I felt fine.
Go figure I would marry a man who brought all of those feelings back to me. All of those theories about marrying into the same type of situation you grew up in seem to be true in my case. That really scares me for my kids.
I don't know if this has anything to do with my original post or not. I think to have power and control over my feelings and actions, I need to find a little self-worth. And I think to feel any self-worth, I need to quit doing things that make me feel like such a loser.
Sorry for rambling. I'm just trying to play psychiatrist on myself right now. I think I'll stop now! :)
Thanks, everybody for talking me down from that proverbial ledge.
jmr - I hate being this way. If I liked myself, odds are I wouldn't be on this site everyday needing you folks. I would definitely not consider myself a doormat though (too outspoken for that), but I do need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I also need to stop letting people get to me. I could be riding so high, and the tiniest/stupidest thing can set me off track. Hopefully when I become the person I am, this will not be the case. I'll know I am good peeps, and that is all that will matter.
I feel for you jmr, and am not going to even pretend I have any advice in what you are going through - over my head. I can't. Hopefully someone here can provide you with just that tiny lilttle bit of info that will get you trhough though. What I am praying for.
But one day at a time, just for today. What I pray for - to God that "just for today" I will be the best person I can be, not argue, judge, criticize, etc. etc. etc. Anything more than today is too difficult and would set me up for failure. Other than recently, I never really understood what 'just for today' meant, and finally it really means a lot to me. Just for today I feel I can do anything. Can't worry about tomrrow or yesterday, but today I am going to be the best peeps I can be.
I feel for you jmr, and am not going to even pretend I have any advice in what you are going through - over my head. I can't. Hopefully someone here can provide you with just that tiny lilttle bit of info that will get you trhough though. What I am praying for.
But one day at a time, just for today. What I pray for - to God that "just for today" I will be the best person I can be, not argue, judge, criticize, etc. etc. etc. Anything more than today is too difficult and would set me up for failure. Other than recently, I never really understood what 'just for today' meant, and finally it really means a lot to me. Just for today I feel I can do anything. Can't worry about tomrrow or yesterday, but today I am going to be the best peeps I can be.
Jodi..
You are taking back some of your power by talking about it. Keep rambling because sometimes letting it out instead of stuffing it is empowering all by itself. As far as being shy, you nailed me to a tee. I think being shy, insecure and feeling like I never could fit in (even in my own family) is what helped me stay active in my addiction for so long but you fit in here. We're all trying to battle the demon.
Keep talking Jodi...Talking is power...I enjoy your rambling as you are bringing out feelings that I need to address too...
xoxo
You are taking back some of your power by talking about it. Keep rambling because sometimes letting it out instead of stuffing it is empowering all by itself. As far as being shy, you nailed me to a tee. I think being shy, insecure and feeling like I never could fit in (even in my own family) is what helped me stay active in my addiction for so long but you fit in here. We're all trying to battle the demon.
Keep talking Jodi...Talking is power...I enjoy your rambling as you are bringing out feelings that I need to address too...
xoxo
Chris,
You are "good peeps" in my book. Isn't that awful how it is so easy to see the good in others but not in yourself? Add that to the long list of things to work on, I guess.
Have a good day. I'm going to take 24Gordon's advice and do something for me. I'm off for a bit to take a nice, hot bubble bath!
You are "good peeps" in my book. Isn't that awful how it is so easy to see the good in others but not in yourself? Add that to the long list of things to work on, I guess.
Have a good day. I'm going to take 24Gordon's advice and do something for me. I'm off for a bit to take a nice, hot bubble bath!
