How Do You Know?

I've just read through this list of postings under "husband needs help" and I am devastated. I can relate to just about everything that each of you have spoke about dealing with your significant other... with one exception. I don't KNOW if my boyfriend is addicted to crack or not. He has been behaving the way that each of you have described in one message after another - taking off for 3-4 days, suffering from severe depression, no money, unable to motivate himself to work enough, acting fine in front of my two children (when he's home), fatigue, sleeplessness, exhaustion, lying, stealing, mood swings, etc. At the same time I have been: trying to keep our lives together, take care of my kids, work full time, go to grad school, pay all of our bills, live through sleepless nights and exhaustion, searching the house (and yes, even the trash) for hidden drugs, and facing each day not knowing if he will be able to find the will to live. I have tried with all of the love and compassion I could find within myself to find a way to reach him, but am also suffering inside with such anger and disappointment.

The dilemma I'm facing is that he has been clinically depressed for more than a year now (and in the past as well), so everything has just slowly worsened. He has attempted suicide, but at times desperately wants to get better. I knew he was using weed and oxycodone. His counselor (with his permission) explained his drug use to me as his way to numb the pain of depression, but she and I both suspected more was going on. Just last week I had to call crisis workers and the police because he was again suicidal. After I called for help, he became very angry with me - he has insisted all along that he will only get help for his depression and drug use on his own terms. But this was an emergency and I had to keep him safe. He was in the hospital for just 2 days, and they discharged him.

This is when it got a whole lot harder, the day after all of this happened, someone that knows us both told me that he had seen my boyfriend once recently using crack. I was devastated. As much as I hated that he was doing the other drugs, I could at least rationalize the reasons, not this. He has, of course, denied to me that he is doing this regularly, but at this point, how can I believe him? He doesn't even seem to know what the truth is anymore. I had given him an ultimatum earlier last week that if he didn't do SOMETHING to get serious help, he would have to leave our home. So, he is with his parents now, but they are just as angry with me as he is- for 'forcing' help on him. They are even denying that he is suicidal now although they know he as already attempted it once.

The very worst part of this (as many of you have written) is that this just isn't really him. He is a great guy: intelligent, motivated, caring, fun, loving, and he has the potential to live an amazing life. He has his own business, which could be highly successful if he could pull himself together. And I've never loved a man as much as I love him - I feel he is my soul mate. Now I just feel empty.

I know I'm doing what is best for my children, but I feel as if someone has ripped out my insides. I don't know how to go about finding the answers to whether or not crack is a major factor in all that we have been facing. He won't even speak to me right now - and I know that's for the best, but sometime soon we will be in contact, and I just don't know what the next step should be. I am going to stick to my ultimatum that he can't live with us unless he seriously gets help for whatever he's dealing with, but I know this is going to be the hardest thing in the world that I have ever faced.
Hi Im the one who posted My husband needs help.You know that he is addicted.If it has come to this he is. Sorry to be so blunt about it. It isnt a pretty, so Im not going to sugar cote it for you. He needs to get some help. Has he tried to stop? My husband he been to rehab. He relaped just 2 weeks ago. after being sober for 8 months.I was just starting to believe the worst was over.It is so hard to go through and Im really sorry. If you need to talk please post again. The only thing so far that has helped me is a lot of praying.I dont want to preach to you. But it helps me get through it I really dont know what else to do.I wish I could help you more.I feel quite helpless myself, It helps to talk to everyone here. Good luck to you. You sound like a really great woman. Kim
I just wanted to say that I think you did the right thing I know it hurts but I give you so much credit for sticking to your guns, His Family isnt doing him any favor by not standing by you.Good Luck.I just needed to add that. Kim
Thank you for your kind words. I'm just so much in shock by all of this that it's taking a while to sink in. I feel like I have to re-examine everything that has happened in our lives from this new perspective. I feel certain that if he is seriously using this drug it started just 2-3 months ago - that's when I noticed a big change in his personality, behavior, etc. I'm just hoping he's not so far into it that he won't be able to get out.
The worst part now is that I am left in the dark. Up until last week, I had a good relationship with his parents, and now all of this has fallen apart. I don't know how he is or what he is doing to get help (or not). We've been together for four years and as you said about your husband, my children adore him, as he does them. I just hate that I am putting my boys through all this.
I feel like I have been so stupid and naive. But I also I keep telling myself if this was my brother or father I would stick by them and not give up on them. I want to do the same for him - he is my family, but at the same time I am so afraid of where this all could lead if he is unable to get help and gets in deeper.
Dear Empty inside,

You've found the appropriate site that can help you. I find that everyone here has wisdom to offer. I've read other post from the past that has help me understand my husbands addiction.

I am like you right now my husband is living 14 hours from me. He left May 15 but, things are only bad for me at night. i find I do all my thinking prior ro going to bed. Since yesterday, I wrote him 3 letters, the first and second letter i did not mail...i burnt it just to get all my angry and negativity out.Then my third letter i mailed that was more on a friendly side for the children.

He has cheated on me several times and i pray that he may just call and say he found someone else...I am sure he will find another victim pretend to nbe someone he is not..I know what all about sleepless night,,and not being able to go anywhere because of the children.

My Husband always runs back to his dad's house. Even runs back there before he comes home after he is on a goond binge and with one of his female friends.I find family members seem to be in denial when they firs find out about the addiction then once he goes to detox people tend to believe that he has been miraculously healed with a 5 week program,,well there may be some individual like that but not my husband he was in detox twice and was high a few days later...I pray that god will give you the strength to move on..each day i get stronger time takes away a lot of the pain...After reading post on this site i see a clearer pic and with the help of my councellor,,take care
Hurt & Empty
I am on the other side of where you both are now. I have finally moved on with my life and can actually see a bright future ahead. It took me 5 years to get here, but 'no more drama'. I have been through the same lying, cheating, disappearing, stealing, more lying, broken promises,disappointments and so so many broken hearts. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, to walk away, to save myself. But it was all I could do, I gave and gave till I had no more. I tried so hard to help him, but I guess I really loved who he use to be, who I was led to believe he was, who I wanted him to be. NOT who he IS now.
Who he is now is just a waste of skin. Yeah, I still think about him, but no more what if's or if only's. He damaged me emotionally, but I am getting stronger every day. No more contact- EVER. No more emotional roller coaster rides.
Stay strong and don't make threats, if you say it- go through with it. Only you know when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving. The chances of a crack addict fully recovering are very small.
i agree with kate, and if he started using just a few months ago you still might be in for a long haul. crack addiction usually runs a long course of time and then even if he gives it up he might substitute it with something like alcohol and never fully be the person you used to know.
Dear Emptyinside, You Are a strong person, You are standing your ground and that is the hardest part. His parents are enabling him not helping him,They will see and you will be the hero.Just wait.I know it is really hard to be strong when you love someone so much.I hurts so bad, I will keep you in my prayers, If you do talk to him see how he feels about getting help.See if he is admits there is a problem.If he does thats a good first step.Ask him if he wants his life to be like this and ask him to read thses boards. He will see the same pattern.And hopefully realize he is addicted.It really only takes one time from what my husband tells me and your hooked.Let some time pass, Things will get better for you. Good Luck Keep us informed on your progress.Kim
I'm so touched by your storie, I've been married for 17 yrs and I've been addicted to crack for 14. I've seen our live style fall I have 4 very bright children.
And they know something isnt right. I've been of crack only a few days now
but there is a difference, my wife had to hide money or anything of value from me. She has had to play Mom, Dad, and Security Officer. And no one could do anything for me until I got tired now it's like awaking from a coma I cant believe I've been gone so long......... you did the right thing no one can help someone addicted unless they want help and are willing to go to the same extremes to be sober as they did to get high May God Bless it get's worst before it get's better ....but it do's get better pulling for you in my prayers
Thank you all so much. You know, the "security officer" role seems to be the hardest. I just never signed up for that - and it's so exhausting to be ALWAYS thinking about all of the posibilities.
I guess I feel like I've learned so much from what I've read here that I'm just going to have to confront him. I will be able to read to him just a few of the postings from others telling their story and there will be no way he can deny that it sounds JUST like our life.. like his behavior. Does anyone know where I can find a good medical (but straighforward) version of what all of you are saying. I know one possibility is that he will just say to me that this is other people's opinions- not experts. So I'd also like to have something that describes in a page or two the biological/behaviorial patterns that someone using crack demonstrates. Ideas?
Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts, words and prayers.
Just look up cocaine/crack addiction, you will find all you need to know.
Dear Empty Inside,
I just wanted to see how you were today and tolet you know that your in my prayers EVERYONE here is. I have come so far because i can come here and really say how and what i am feeling , I am so glad everyday that i found these boards It is my councling. Better than that because all of you are real and didnt just go to school to councel. You all have real feelings and and been in the disease and live with it everyday.It does help to post here so keep it up and God Bless. Kim