WARNING this is a pitty party post : I'm pretty down today. I have not been sleeping well in a few days. I can tell i'm just an inch away from using. The weather is beautiful and i'm feeling ugly. I've been dwelling on EVERYONE i've hurt. When all those mistakes eat at my head I'm overwheled with a need to push it all out with the needle. I'm close to getting back my children. I want them back of course. I don't wanna screw things up again FOR them. I've done all I could to change for them. I still don't feel WHOLE i'm coming up on my 1 year off smack. My mom said the other day she was getting a 3 bedroom house. I told her i'm getting my kids back from her not to buy a house that big just because of the kids. She said well, this way if you go back to using I won't have to have the kids in my small apartment, they will have their own rooms. Nearly a year clean she has NO trust in me. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I know using again won't fix anyone i've hurt in the past. I know using will make everything Bad. I hate these EMOTIONS I wanna be numb to everything around me. I know this is addictive thinking. Nothing has ever made me feel the way smack did. I'm so depressed.
zerogirl....Please dont be depressed........all these feeling r normal.and a yr clean is so awesome.....YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF !!!.yup feelings suck......I agree, but getting high is NOT the answer. I have 20+ months clean and things do get better....I still also beat myself up about the past, but the things we did when we were high, were not us...it was the actions of the drug.......
Gaining trust again is tough. I have children who still remind me often of all that i have done, but no matter what i do i cant change the past....all we can do now is keep the path and prove to everyone that we have changed.....As a mother of an addict also, its hard not to worry all the time.......
I have worked very hard at not trying to let that guilt sh*t get to me....its what took me out last time and NEVER solved anything.....
U can get your children back and things will get better.......u can and will show everyone that u r strong..we can never repair all the damage we did, but the past is past.......
U need to have more faith in yourself......please don't beat yourself up, u have come so far.......a yr is awesome........and learning how to deal with all those emotions and feelings isn't going to come easy.....we have numbed ourselves one way or another our entire lives. but in reality dealing with feelings isnt easy for anyone, addict or not.
Even though I still haven't forgiven myself for so much of what i did, i know for a fact that God has. for everyone else who has a problem with who i was.....its up to them to deal with it, i cant do anything but take each day at a time and do my best to stay clean........Dont dwell on the past OR the future.....living in today is really the key, as cliche as it sounds.
Be proud of yourself because despite all the negatvity u r clean today....and those bad days don't last.......good days come also....
maybe going to a meeting would help.....they always helped me feel a bit better of myself....u r like a senior member and can prove to others that it can be done....plus talk to others about how they coped wiht their depression....
I'm babbling here, but u broke my heart reading your post......I remember feeling so much like...........so is this all there is??......but like i said it does get easier, and those bad feelings will pass......it's nice out...take a walk, enjoy not having to go run and cop........enjoy not feeing sick and tired of being sick and tired..u have hope today that things will and can be better, with getting high we had no hope............
i will keep u in my prayers tonight
tres
Gaining trust again is tough. I have children who still remind me often of all that i have done, but no matter what i do i cant change the past....all we can do now is keep the path and prove to everyone that we have changed.....As a mother of an addict also, its hard not to worry all the time.......
I have worked very hard at not trying to let that guilt sh*t get to me....its what took me out last time and NEVER solved anything.....
U can get your children back and things will get better.......u can and will show everyone that u r strong..we can never repair all the damage we did, but the past is past.......
U need to have more faith in yourself......please don't beat yourself up, u have come so far.......a yr is awesome........and learning how to deal with all those emotions and feelings isn't going to come easy.....we have numbed ourselves one way or another our entire lives. but in reality dealing with feelings isnt easy for anyone, addict or not.
Even though I still haven't forgiven myself for so much of what i did, i know for a fact that God has. for everyone else who has a problem with who i was.....its up to them to deal with it, i cant do anything but take each day at a time and do my best to stay clean........Dont dwell on the past OR the future.....living in today is really the key, as cliche as it sounds.
Be proud of yourself because despite all the negatvity u r clean today....and those bad days don't last.......good days come also....
maybe going to a meeting would help.....they always helped me feel a bit better of myself....u r like a senior member and can prove to others that it can be done....plus talk to others about how they coped wiht their depression....
I'm babbling here, but u broke my heart reading your post......I remember feeling so much like...........so is this all there is??......but like i said it does get easier, and those bad feelings will pass......it's nice out...take a walk, enjoy not having to go run and cop........enjoy not feeing sick and tired of being sick and tired..u have hope today that things will and can be better, with getting high we had no hope............
i will keep u in my prayers tonight
tres
LISTEN to TRES, wise wise woman, there. Oh, kid! Don't beat yrself blue over the Past. Every second that ticks by on the clock takes you Away from the bad things. You are clean 1 yr.? BE PROUD of that. In the Scope Of Human Screw-Ups, you're not as awful a person as say, Hitler, or Idi Amin, are you? NO you are not.As for that "Pity Party" b.s. save it for those nuts who think they are addicted to shoes... these are real feelings u r having & they r valid & you need to just let yrself feel them, acknowledge them then move on to other things.Hate to start beating this Horse again, but are you eating right? Food does affect yr mood.Exercise too can help.REALLY!Can u confront some of these folks who "u done wronged?" Would it help to ring them & simply say sorry? Be bold & just do it. Sometimes I think I get so wrapped up in my own head it's ...unhealthy.Do you work? Can you throw yrself into that? Maybe volunteer or something. Divert the Mind.Good luck & keep posting Bless u.
TRES: Thank you for taking the time to reply. The people I most need to make amends with are my children. I have hurt, lied, and used other people while using. What my children have been put through pains me the most. I ended a 8 year relationship with my daughters dad in 2004. He has not saw his daughter since. He has never sent a christmas/birthday card or anything. He has called her maybe 10 times. He lives about a 2 hour drive from us. About 9 months after we went our own ways I lost costdy. My kids lost BOTH parents in less then a year. My daughter has been in and outta of a mental hospital 3 times since living with my mom, she's only 8!. She has major anger issues and is ADHD. My son is in special education and speach classes he is boderline autistic. The relationship I ended, started when he was just 6 months old he's 10 now. He was bonded with my daughters dad. These kids have been put thru a lot. My sons father pays support and he is very active in his life "always has been". My daughter's father has let her down and I could not "using" make a stable life for her either. Alaska: I am feeling a lot better emotionally today. I am working which is a much needed distraction. Yes, exercise dose help a whole lot. I have been over eating and not sleeping for crap. Someday's I feel so strong no cravings, upbeat mood, ready to take on the world. Then I get in these slumps that linger for days. Anyhow writing here is mini thearpy. Thank you for the reply it helps to know someone is going to listen to my crazy-ness.
<damn passwords, always forgetting them and then have to reinvent meself>
anyway......zerogirl......dont like that name....ur NOT a zerogirl.....
i want to say i understand how rough it must be for u with your children and all. It sounds really tough...i know that despite all the chaos i live with <and i live with some chaos, believe me> nothing gets to me except when it concerns my kids.......but we could be cold and uncaring....we r not..we r good loving ppl.....thats y it worries us so much.
u can post me anytime u want to talk. I can sympathize about anger issues......my daughter has had them from very young, even when i wasn't a junkie....and then when I started getting high she was around 13-14......she's 19 now.....and anger.....man does she have some anger towards me......My entire neighborhood know i was a "JUNKIE, HEPATITIS w**** " cos she would scream it so damnloud every time we fought......but i must admit, right after i had a yr clean, she has really came around.we still go at it, but her anger has defintely subsided, and I never thought that would happen.
I read your post to Lorz and u got it down......u r a smart woman, u just need to keep reminding yourself of that, and working .working is great......has helped me keep my sanity on so many days.....dont get me worng, it kicks my a**.....so damn tired a lot, but i didnt go back to work until like 10 months into my recovery.....and it definitely kept me out of my own head, didnt have the time to think as much.......
I'm not really a religious person,spiritual perhaps, but I get down on my knees every morning and night and ask God for his help and to thank him for another day clean and he's helped me immensly. Tonight I will also ask him to guide and bless u and your family, he won't let u down......
anyway......zerogirl......dont like that name....ur NOT a zerogirl.....
i want to say i understand how rough it must be for u with your children and all. It sounds really tough...i know that despite all the chaos i live with <and i live with some chaos, believe me> nothing gets to me except when it concerns my kids.......but we could be cold and uncaring....we r not..we r good loving ppl.....thats y it worries us so much.
u can post me anytime u want to talk. I can sympathize about anger issues......my daughter has had them from very young, even when i wasn't a junkie....and then when I started getting high she was around 13-14......she's 19 now.....and anger.....man does she have some anger towards me......My entire neighborhood know i was a "JUNKIE, HEPATITIS w**** " cos she would scream it so damnloud every time we fought......but i must admit, right after i had a yr clean, she has really came around.we still go at it, but her anger has defintely subsided, and I never thought that would happen.
I read your post to Lorz and u got it down......u r a smart woman, u just need to keep reminding yourself of that, and working .working is great......has helped me keep my sanity on so many days.....dont get me worng, it kicks my a**.....so damn tired a lot, but i didnt go back to work until like 10 months into my recovery.....and it definitely kept me out of my own head, didnt have the time to think as much.......
I'm not really a religious person,spiritual perhaps, but I get down on my knees every morning and night and ask God for his help and to thank him for another day clean and he's helped me immensly. Tonight I will also ask him to guide and bless u and your family, he won't let u down......
Awwww......ZG.....we know right where you are.....GUILT GUILT GUILT...it's a killer.....I will have two years next month, and often it feels like I'm right back where I started at like two weeks clean.....OUR KIDS.....I mean how do we make that up......we can only keep going....that's it......you're girl needs you most.....she'll see this time it's for real......if you go on Families board....you will see my post from the other day.....my kid....OMG.....what she isn't feeling.
She is bitter, judgemental, and condescending.....not to me, but anyone who drinks or does drugs.....this is a kid in National Honor Society....works tons of hours.....wins all kinds of scholastic awards....has three boys asking her to proms.....ya know what that is.....YOU KNOW....the mask....the smiling facade.
Please, please listen to Tres or Ms. Tres....see can't even get her name right....now that's something right there...LOL....I grew up with her, and she is a kick azzzzz......kind, compassionate, hard working mom....and she's going through it with her kids.......we did this, and we are so sorry, and staying clean is the answer......yeah we all want that hit....just one hit.....numb it, and forget how bad we were to our families.....then what.........back out there.
I'm sorry your mom is being like that......my mom still sleeps with her money down her undies.....all day long...I mean they won't leave a fin $5 laying around.
It makes me angry, but I have to understand why......in a way your mom is just trying to defend, and protect your children.....mine does it too.....it hurts after you tried so hard.....then again I think where would my child have been without her.....we are fortunate we have mom's who helped us......I believe it's just fear, and what you feel is concrete and very real.....absolutely.....hang on there ZG.
Prove em all wrong......you just keep going......show em all......you can rap to any of is about it.....especially Ms. Tres.....now she got a fair princess avatar again.......she's my girl.....she'd do anything for anyone....she's a big hearted softie, but I'm so proud of her cause she toughed this out......and she's working her tail off.....and is aproductive citizen....she got self-esteem now...can't say i do or ever will......please ZG that's how our mom's do......show your kids you're clean every single day......no more running away....you can do it.
She is bitter, judgemental, and condescending.....not to me, but anyone who drinks or does drugs.....this is a kid in National Honor Society....works tons of hours.....wins all kinds of scholastic awards....has three boys asking her to proms.....ya know what that is.....YOU KNOW....the mask....the smiling facade.
Please, please listen to Tres or Ms. Tres....see can't even get her name right....now that's something right there...LOL....I grew up with her, and she is a kick azzzzz......kind, compassionate, hard working mom....and she's going through it with her kids.......we did this, and we are so sorry, and staying clean is the answer......yeah we all want that hit....just one hit.....numb it, and forget how bad we were to our families.....then what.........back out there.
I'm sorry your mom is being like that......my mom still sleeps with her money down her undies.....all day long...I mean they won't leave a fin $5 laying around.
It makes me angry, but I have to understand why......in a way your mom is just trying to defend, and protect your children.....mine does it too.....it hurts after you tried so hard.....then again I think where would my child have been without her.....we are fortunate we have mom's who helped us......I believe it's just fear, and what you feel is concrete and very real.....absolutely.....hang on there ZG.
Prove em all wrong......you just keep going......show em all......you can rap to any of is about it.....especially Ms. Tres.....now she got a fair princess avatar again.......she's my girl.....she'd do anything for anyone....she's a big hearted softie, but I'm so proud of her cause she toughed this out......and she's working her tail off.....and is aproductive citizen....she got self-esteem now...can't say i do or ever will......please ZG that's how our mom's do......show your kids you're clean every single day......no more running away....you can do it.
Dear Zero Girl,
Reading your stories helps to keep me strong! Because i know we both can make it work for us.Please dont give in it will only f--k with your head worse.One of the things i remember from rehab is that when your working the steps some people may never trust you again.You just have to deal with it and move on.As long as your happy with yourself thats all that matters.I know for the first time in years i can look in the mirror andd not say i hate you! You must continue to love yourself no matter what.We all care about what happens to you so be strong i know you can do it.
Reading your stories helps to keep me strong! Because i know we both can make it work for us.Please dont give in it will only f--k with your head worse.One of the things i remember from rehab is that when your working the steps some people may never trust you again.You just have to deal with it and move on.As long as your happy with yourself thats all that matters.I know for the first time in years i can look in the mirror andd not say i hate you! You must continue to love yourself no matter what.We all care about what happens to you so be strong i know you can do it.
Bruce: you could not be more RIGHT using would only mess with my head more. Bryn: I'm very gald my mom was there and my kids did not have to go to foster care. MsTres: My daughter has always had behavior issues but, the anger thing did not start untill she started living with my mom. Poor kid I'ld be angery to I guess. It sucks your daughter has anger issues to. I'm so glad I found this web site. I started posting here b4 I got clean. Everyone has helped me so much with cravings and just being a outlet for my thoughts. It feels good to know people who don't even know me, are willing to take time to listen and reply. YOU GUYS/GALS ARE THE BEST....
You sound so much better ZG....I was thinking about you.....this thing with our mom's...I think it's power struggle.....especially too with our girls.....they sort of get torn in a way.....like they hear.....well that is your mother....then again they saw our own mother's go through hell with us.....girls anymore anyway I see all the time are angry chicks.....I never had that nor did Ms. Fairy Princess Tres.
Probably not you either.....we were quite the opposites growing up.....kind hearted girls.....funny, and friendly......so maybe too it's this world these kids live in now already makes em mad.....that anger though....killer.
You just hang on there like dear Bruce said......you are doing this....NOT TRYING.....DOING IT.....too bad we all can't room together....all the girls....that would be a real reality show....Tres daughter....PHEWWWWW....I mean you want angry......that kid will beat a grown man down.....it's so sad that we laugh.
What else can we do......I got the holier than though all these girls are junkies and hoes, and losers......compassion LACKING.......so then with your daughter and them two maybe they'd beat eachother silly.
It is all so real, and so sad, but we're clean.....so sometimes you have to laugh at it.......OH YEAH.....our mom's too......we'll ship them off on a cruise or Vegas or something.....Tres doesn't live with her mom.....in fact poor woman moved....LOL...the anguish she caused her.....so her mom's been great too as have ours, but ours had our kids so it's different......you'red doing dang well, Sister......I'm proud of you.
Probably not you either.....we were quite the opposites growing up.....kind hearted girls.....funny, and friendly......so maybe too it's this world these kids live in now already makes em mad.....that anger though....killer.
You just hang on there like dear Bruce said......you are doing this....NOT TRYING.....DOING IT.....too bad we all can't room together....all the girls....that would be a real reality show....Tres daughter....PHEWWWWW....I mean you want angry......that kid will beat a grown man down.....it's so sad that we laugh.
What else can we do......I got the holier than though all these girls are junkies and hoes, and losers......compassion LACKING.......so then with your daughter and them two maybe they'd beat eachother silly.
It is all so real, and so sad, but we're clean.....so sometimes you have to laugh at it.......OH YEAH.....our mom's too......we'll ship them off on a cruise or Vegas or something.....Tres doesn't live with her mom.....in fact poor woman moved....LOL...the anguish she caused her.....so her mom's been great too as have ours, but ours had our kids so it's different......you'red doing dang well, Sister......I'm proud of you.
Zero Girl so glad to hear you sounding better.I said a prayer for you it must have helped! you know i've only been on this site for a short while but i feel like we are all one big happy family(well sometimes not so happy and kind of disfunctional) LOL. But when one of my family is suffering it bothers me so glad i could be of help.
