My son is currently in rehab for abusing pills. This was part of our concession for posting his bail. Well he went in to rehab and then immediately took us off as contacts. So now we know nothing. When we call there all we get from staff is "we cannot confirm or deny he is here". The counselor who was talking to us in the beginning does not return our phone calls. We know he is still there through his sister but it feels very unfair that we have no idea if he is going to pop up at our house or walk away with his drug addict friends. We are paying for this and now even the insurance lady will not return our call. Can anyone advise because we have no idea what to think.
How old is your son ??
Maybe time to take off YOUR contact list for a while ....
Maybe time to take off YOUR contact list for a while ....
Yes, how old is your son? You bailed him out of jail, paid for his rehab, he's on your insurance and he takes you off the list. I agree with Papa Bear, it might be time for you to take him off your list. Honestly speaking, he obviously doesn't have much respect for you by removing you from his contact list. That's typical addict behavior. As his parents, it's important for you to not participate in his addict behaviors. If you really feel the need to contact him, call the rehab and tell them to give him a message if he's there. They'll do that. Good luck.
Michelle
Michelle
OUCH! Hard words but I do understand. It is very hard for me to sit around and wait. I have always fixed everything even in my childhood. I'm the one you go to to have a problem fixed. I can't fix this. I guess I am like an addict too then. I have to fix this. Again your advice hurt but you are right. I guess I just wanted my say at the place and wanted to make sure he wasn't bs'ing anyone. Again, I am trying to take control and fix it. I can't fix this is very hard for me to wrap around my head.
How old is your son ???
Does HE WANT TO GET SOBER ??
You are trying to control things that you have NO control over.
There are many stories in these threads. You will hear yours told repeatedly.
AA/NA will help your son if he chooses to commit to it.
Al-Anon & Nar-Anon will help you if you want it.
They are all FREE !
All the best.
Bob R
Does HE WANT TO GET SOBER ??
You are trying to control things that you have NO control over.
There are many stories in these threads. You will hear yours told repeatedly.
AA/NA will help your son if he chooses to commit to it.
Al-Anon & Nar-Anon will help you if you want it.
They are all FREE !
All the best.
Bob R
2kittys,
Sorry for the harsh words. Everyone on here speaks from some sort of experience. Yes, you are an enabler. It's ok. At some point, you'll start figuring out that this is all out of your control. I still have to slap my own hands and talk to my husband when I "want to help" our heroin addict son. Anything you do for him that he can and should be able to do for himself is enabling. You won't have any peace in your life until you can stop. We are assuming your son is of legal age and not a minor when we are saying this stuff. Minors are a little different story.
Best of luck,
Michelle
Sorry for the harsh words. Everyone on here speaks from some sort of experience. Yes, you are an enabler. It's ok. At some point, you'll start figuring out that this is all out of your control. I still have to slap my own hands and talk to my husband when I "want to help" our heroin addict son. Anything you do for him that he can and should be able to do for himself is enabling. You won't have any peace in your life until you can stop. We are assuming your son is of legal age and not a minor when we are saying this stuff. Minors are a little different story.
Best of luck,
Michelle
I just wanted to add that I'm not saying to quit caring or quit contact with your son. You can't shut off your feelings about your child. You can just be in control of your actions. I cried tonight after seeing and talking to my son. I don't hold a lot of hope for him. Hugs to you.
Michelle
Michelle
Go to Nar-Anon meetings ASAP - Save Yourself. Your son is not ready. The sooner you see that, the better off you will be. Be glad he is talking to your daughter. Leave it at that.'
You are on a long road. You can help to make it longer, if you try too hard.
You are on a long road. You can help to make it longer, if you try too hard.
About fixing it. This is where the enabling started and your addict knows that you will fix it. He has not had to learn on his own. My son used to call me and leave a message " Call me back, I need to figure something out about work" I would call him back thinking I was going to help him problem solve something. At the end of the conversation, he needed money for "food" or "gas".
The 'figure something out" was more like - figure out how to get some more money out of you.
They have to be completely on their own. without us looking over the shoulder, telling them what to do, and picking them up at the end of the day. A good month is when you dont hear from them!
It is emotional, there are feelings of disappointment - that you spend the last 20 years doing everything right, and you get this in return.
The staff in Rehab know when someone is bs'ing. but they dont care. it is not their job to care.
Find a place for him to go after rehab and if he does not go to jail. He should not go home to your house. It is not good for you or for his recovery.
Let him use appointed lawyers - If he has problems you say - talk to your lawyer, talk to your therapist... etc
hope this helps!
The 'figure something out" was more like - figure out how to get some more money out of you.
They have to be completely on their own. without us looking over the shoulder, telling them what to do, and picking them up at the end of the day. A good month is when you dont hear from them!
It is emotional, there are feelings of disappointment - that you spend the last 20 years doing everything right, and you get this in return.
The staff in Rehab know when someone is bs'ing. but they dont care. it is not their job to care.
Find a place for him to go after rehab and if he does not go to jail. He should not go home to your house. It is not good for you or for his recovery.
Let him use appointed lawyers - If he has problems you say - talk to your lawyer, talk to your therapist... etc
hope this helps!
Hi Michelle, I hope your back is healing and your feeling stronger everyday. I'm sorry to read about your son. It's hard to hold onto hope when nothing much changes for the good and you never see an end to the hell we're living. I'm right there with you Michelle and I wish there was something I could do to help. But I'm here for you as you always are for me. I know there's something going on with my daughter too. The silence is deafening coming from her end. Last time I saw her she had a foot that was 3 times its size she said she "cut" on glass. I know it's not true. I have a barQ this weekend for my granddaughter and all her little friends are coming. I have made sure I never told her father( he has turned alcoholic now) and I am worried my daughter shows up high. Just looking at her screams "there's something not right here" and we know it's drugs. But the kids and parents I hope don't. It's getting harder to hide though. What a sad life we mothers live. I think we do a good job putting the sadness to the side most of the time to get on with our lives. Until something happens that takes away any progress we've made in that department and reality kicks in. That's when we have to push ourselves to believe in miracles. That there is a chance that one of our kids will turn their lives around. That it can happen. Look at Papa Bear! He is the hope we have to hold onto and living proof that if you want something bad enough you can get it. Our kids just need to get to the point he got to that changed his life. I'm sorry I'm rambling Michelle. I just want to bring you some kind of comfort that change can happen. We just need reminded sometimes even if the chances are slim. Your in my thoughts and prayers. God bless. Mary.
Can I ask you moms and dads 'do you say to your kid, you are a drug addict? My husband said I shouldn't day that because it hurts his feelings, that it is up to him to say he is a drug addict. I feel that until he admits he is a drug addict I will continue to call him that, but I am also unsure that he would use that as a crutch. I am sorry if I am being dumb but I am dumb. This world opened up to me on fathers day weekend. All I knew about my son was he had severe anxiety and depression. Now I find out hes a drug addict.
2kittys,
My son doesn't have a problem with calling himself an addict (although he really believes he needs his medicine to live this life). We've never p**** footed around it. I also do not have a problem telling him he's an addict. As far as hurting your son's feelings, it may or may not hurt his. I think it's for the best to have it right there front and center. Let's not hide it or play games about it. Call it what it is. I don't hide my son's addiction from anyone. My co-workers know about it. All of my family knows. It makes it easier to talk to my son when we aren't having to "pretend". It's a weight that I don't need on my shoulders. I also wanted to say that there is a common thread of anxiety and depression among addicts. It's hard to tell which comes first, the depression? and they self medicate? or as we all know here the drugs tend to induce depression and anxiety. My son went to a psychiatrist 2 years ago that prescribed him benzos for his anxiety, which he very quickly started abusing. It's a slippery slope. The thing is, the addicts have to abstain from drugs before they can accurately be diagnosed for mental health disorders.
Hugs,
Michelle
Mary,
My back is doing really well. It's been a month. I'll still be off work until September because I can't bend, twist or lift. I'm going to see my daughter and Teddy next month for a week, which I'm looking forward to.
Yes, we do a good job of carrying on with life, despite our children's addictions. What choice do we have? You have a grandchild you're caring for, who depends on you. We all have lives, jobs, homes, other kids, grandkids....all completely outside of our addicts. I won't let my son's addiction take over my life, ever again. I will have my moments and cry when I need to because yes, no matter what, the baby boy that used to be there is gone and things won't ever be the same. I told my son yesterday, when he said we aren't there for him, that I cannot be there for him monetarily but I can be there if he would like to talk. He said he can't talk to us because we don't understand. He went on to talk about the same old thing...he has to do this to survive, he's not like everyone else, he just needs to find a job where they'll understand about mental health issues and that sometimes he just can't come to work, society just needs to accept this and much more. I explained to him that I understand that's how he feels and I also asked him to show me one successful heroin addict or one 60 year old heroin addict. I told him that I accept this is who he is and he needs to accept that his dad and I want no part of his addiction. Then this morning I got a text from him and he thanked me for being a good mom and for his childhood, among other things. Yes, it's hard to stick to my guns all the time. But I feel like that's the addiction giving him a one phone call thing. I know that the next time I talk to him, he could be saying that his life is all my fault.
Good luck at your bbq. I hope you can enjoy the day without any drama.
Hugs,
Michelle
My son doesn't have a problem with calling himself an addict (although he really believes he needs his medicine to live this life). We've never p**** footed around it. I also do not have a problem telling him he's an addict. As far as hurting your son's feelings, it may or may not hurt his. I think it's for the best to have it right there front and center. Let's not hide it or play games about it. Call it what it is. I don't hide my son's addiction from anyone. My co-workers know about it. All of my family knows. It makes it easier to talk to my son when we aren't having to "pretend". It's a weight that I don't need on my shoulders. I also wanted to say that there is a common thread of anxiety and depression among addicts. It's hard to tell which comes first, the depression? and they self medicate? or as we all know here the drugs tend to induce depression and anxiety. My son went to a psychiatrist 2 years ago that prescribed him benzos for his anxiety, which he very quickly started abusing. It's a slippery slope. The thing is, the addicts have to abstain from drugs before they can accurately be diagnosed for mental health disorders.
Hugs,
Michelle
Mary,
My back is doing really well. It's been a month. I'll still be off work until September because I can't bend, twist or lift. I'm going to see my daughter and Teddy next month for a week, which I'm looking forward to.
Yes, we do a good job of carrying on with life, despite our children's addictions. What choice do we have? You have a grandchild you're caring for, who depends on you. We all have lives, jobs, homes, other kids, grandkids....all completely outside of our addicts. I won't let my son's addiction take over my life, ever again. I will have my moments and cry when I need to because yes, no matter what, the baby boy that used to be there is gone and things won't ever be the same. I told my son yesterday, when he said we aren't there for him, that I cannot be there for him monetarily but I can be there if he would like to talk. He said he can't talk to us because we don't understand. He went on to talk about the same old thing...he has to do this to survive, he's not like everyone else, he just needs to find a job where they'll understand about mental health issues and that sometimes he just can't come to work, society just needs to accept this and much more. I explained to him that I understand that's how he feels and I also asked him to show me one successful heroin addict or one 60 year old heroin addict. I told him that I accept this is who he is and he needs to accept that his dad and I want no part of his addiction. Then this morning I got a text from him and he thanked me for being a good mom and for his childhood, among other things. Yes, it's hard to stick to my guns all the time. But I feel like that's the addiction giving him a one phone call thing. I know that the next time I talk to him, he could be saying that his life is all my fault.
Good luck at your bbq. I hope you can enjoy the day without any drama.
Hugs,
Michelle
I have to ask again ... How old is your son ??
PapaBear,
What do you think about codependents sharing the addicts problems with others? Why are AA/NA anonymous?
Thank you in advance for any insight!
What do you think about codependents sharing the addicts problems with others? Why are AA/NA anonymous?
Thank you in advance for any insight!
