Hey,
So I'm spending almost all of my time alone. My wife and I have not spoken in days. We seem to be finding a system to avoid each other without airing my screw-up in front of the boys. The time is good.....I know it is. The more I get into this proccess, the more I realize that this has been a long time coming. It seems like people who become addicted are afraid of their own brains. For my whole life, it's been go go go......anything to keep from thinking. In a strange way, I'm glad for this time. My mind is clearing by the second..........I mean, we're going back to high school here.....it's been my whole life without coping with my thoughts.....it is getting peaceful.
On the other hand, I feel like I'm avoiding everything and everyone. A friend called me tonight, from my driveway. I had to tell him it was a bad time. I have done this with many people, lately. I am hiding out. Did you all go through this period? I know I will tell everybody what I have been dealing with.......all about my addiction. For many, it will be a relief........I know they have noticed the changes in me. The last year has seen me become a drug hermit.
Basically, I can see that I will end up in a better place.....stronger and more peaceful. The haze is already lifting. I am lighter without the lies........lies to myself and to others.
It is Purgatory. I don't know how things are going to turn out with my wife, but I'm still here. I am dealing with each LONG moment without numbing myself and that is a GREAT thing. There is a lot of pain that comes with all this. There are a couple of things that happened when I was very young. My therapist already approached the topic, but backed off........I know I need to face all of this.
I'm just typing this because I am a bit wound up.......it's a strange time, but I feel genuinely willing to feel it.
Peace,
Jer
Jer, it's going to take a long time to rebuild that trust that was lost. It's been almost 3 years and yes, things are better, way better than they were after I admitted to my addiction and my failings.
Isolation is a bad thing, it may bring you back to using. You need to force yourself to get back out into the world, to spend times with friends.
Nothing is going to come to you overnight, you are going to have to work at regaining trust. Can you talk your wife into counseling? It took me almost 3 years to get my husband into it, but we are doing so much better now. He has some understanding about why I did the things I did.
Jer, stop the isolation, get out to some meetings, get some therapy, even if it's just you. Learn as much about addiction as you can and learn ways of coping with life without reaching into a pill bottle. You can do it. You already have a good start!
Oops, sorry you are in therapy, well, keep it up, open up about these feelings and ask for advice on dealing with them.
Isolation is a bad thing, it may bring you back to using. You need to force yourself to get back out into the world, to spend times with friends.
Nothing is going to come to you overnight, you are going to have to work at regaining trust. Can you talk your wife into counseling? It took me almost 3 years to get my husband into it, but we are doing so much better now. He has some understanding about why I did the things I did.
Jer, stop the isolation, get out to some meetings, get some therapy, even if it's just you. Learn as much about addiction as you can and learn ways of coping with life without reaching into a pill bottle. You can do it. You already have a good start!
Oops, sorry you are in therapy, well, keep it up, open up about these feelings and ask for advice on dealing with them.
Jer I agree with J as she has alot of wisdom.For me when Im not usen its the demons of my past,words,situations etc that haunt me.So much so Id rather drug it out than deal.Thats the MAIN reason I am getting back into therapy.
Right now Jer as selfish as it sounds YOU must come first.I believe that once your wife realizes how serious you are about your recovery it may help her to realize shes safe (emotionally)with you again
So dear Jer keep looking forward,& do what Jer needs to do for Jer
Sabrina
Right now Jer as selfish as it sounds YOU must come first.I believe that once your wife realizes how serious you are about your recovery it may help her to realize shes safe (emotionally)with you again
So dear Jer keep looking forward,& do what Jer needs to do for Jer
Sabrina
I identify with what you are feeling. But isolation is not good. When I was feeling like this I hung out with others in recovery. I had little interest in explaining things to friends and family with no contecxt of recovery. I hung with addicts geeting clean, so when we engaged, it was sharing experiences and understanding. It helped me a lot. I learnt a lot. It was doing 90 meetings in 90 days. That saved me. It lead to me engaging with the programme, and learning the tools to find that stillness.
I am going to meetings and counseling. Sometimes, I do two meetings a day. I have a three-year-old and a two-year-old..........even when avoiding each other, my wife and I are with the boys.....oh, yeah....the older has special needs, so I really need to be around to provide for them. If they were older or if I had no kids, I would definitely have more time to start a new social network with people in recovery. I agree.....it feels good to talk with people who REALLY understand. At the same time, many people in the AA group I attend insist that I MUST spend all of my free time with them.....they are a bit pushy. They have basically told me that I must quit my band and avoid most of my loved ones. My new counselor had a different approach.......she asked me and learned that 60% of my band is sober (I tip the balance, now). I know it is only a matter of time until I have "the big talk" with friends and family. I just want you guys to know that I am working a program. I am in the "But I don't believe in God" part of the program.
9 pm to 6 am.......that's the really LONG block.
So, three years without much positive interaction with my wife. Am I just paying a penalty? If she truly can't trust me, then it seems that there is no need to move forward. I think I'd rather deal with the pain and regret, and move on. Maybe therapy is in the cards, but really, do any of us have enough time here to suffer for years?
I am treasuring the "alone" time, but I do not want it to last for years. I also am unwilling, right now, to abandon my loved ones because I became addicted to painkillers. I want to resume my relationships with a new strength and love. My Old Man went to bed one night and never woke up.....he was 45.....I know how short life is. Anyway, I am now at the point where I am not sure what or why I am typing. At night, I spend lots of time on this site.....it is like a lifeline to sobriety.....a place to proccess racing thoughts.
I am still coming to grips with all of the damage I have caused. As I start to focus on life-events that have caused anxiety and addiction, I have the feeling that I am going to get extremely angry.......there are some people out there that I would like to track down. I don't know.....I just don't know.
Peace,
Jer
9 pm to 6 am.......that's the really LONG block.
So, three years without much positive interaction with my wife. Am I just paying a penalty? If she truly can't trust me, then it seems that there is no need to move forward. I think I'd rather deal with the pain and regret, and move on. Maybe therapy is in the cards, but really, do any of us have enough time here to suffer for years?
I am treasuring the "alone" time, but I do not want it to last for years. I also am unwilling, right now, to abandon my loved ones because I became addicted to painkillers. I want to resume my relationships with a new strength and love. My Old Man went to bed one night and never woke up.....he was 45.....I know how short life is. Anyway, I am now at the point where I am not sure what or why I am typing. At night, I spend lots of time on this site.....it is like a lifeline to sobriety.....a place to proccess racing thoughts.
I am still coming to grips with all of the damage I have caused. As I start to focus on life-events that have caused anxiety and addiction, I have the feeling that I am going to get extremely angry.......there are some people out there that I would like to track down. I don't know.....I just don't know.
Peace,
Jer
Jer
I normally post on the alkies board because I am an alcoholic. But I have been reading your story and I was moved to comment.
Jer- give your wife a break! Its been what 2-3 weeks? That is nothing.
Like all addicts you want instant gratification. Well this mess you created isn't like spilling a glass of milk. You can't just get a wet-ex and wipe it up and forget about it - and neither can your wife.
How long were you addicted and telling lies? Trust is a really fragile thing Jer. But it can be rebuilt.
There is only ONE way you can save your marriage - and that is by your ACTIONS. Your wife probably thinks she can't believe a word you say right now and who could blame her?
You know instead of avoiding her why don't you say something like: whenever you feel ready to talk about us, and how you're feeling and how I hurt you - I'd really like to listen.
Then just leave it at that. But let her know the door is open and you care. but if you say that then you'd better be ready to listen, really listen.
You sound like yo're really building up a resentment over this issue with your wife - and as an addict that's not good for you. Try and stop projecting 3 years into the future and focus on what you can do TODAY. I know its easy to say that and hard to do - but from my own experience I know that when I focus on today things are much much easier to cope with.
I hope this doesn't sound realy harsh - I am an alcoholic married to an alcoholic so I know all about broken trust in a relationship Jer.
wishing you all good things.
Idgie
I normally post on the alkies board because I am an alcoholic. But I have been reading your story and I was moved to comment.
Jer- give your wife a break! Its been what 2-3 weeks? That is nothing.
Like all addicts you want instant gratification. Well this mess you created isn't like spilling a glass of milk. You can't just get a wet-ex and wipe it up and forget about it - and neither can your wife.
How long were you addicted and telling lies? Trust is a really fragile thing Jer. But it can be rebuilt.
There is only ONE way you can save your marriage - and that is by your ACTIONS. Your wife probably thinks she can't believe a word you say right now and who could blame her?
You know instead of avoiding her why don't you say something like: whenever you feel ready to talk about us, and how you're feeling and how I hurt you - I'd really like to listen.
Then just leave it at that. But let her know the door is open and you care. but if you say that then you'd better be ready to listen, really listen.
You sound like yo're really building up a resentment over this issue with your wife - and as an addict that's not good for you. Try and stop projecting 3 years into the future and focus on what you can do TODAY. I know its easy to say that and hard to do - but from my own experience I know that when I focus on today things are much much easier to cope with.
I hope this doesn't sound realy harsh - I am an alcoholic married to an alcoholic so I know all about broken trust in a relationship Jer.
wishing you all good things.
Idgie
Purgatory? Divorced and alone is purgatory. Having to watch from afar my kids grow up is purgatory.
Jer Being alone away from my two beautiful daughters BLOWS.. Your addiction has yet to cost you your marriage.
You have two kids who need there dad. Your wife needs a husband and your talking about not moving forward?
But You have a family to protect and provide for.
Trust is something you earn. It takes time. What do you expect?
Is your wife supporting you? Does she know about alanon?
Jer what do you mean by the people in AA INSIST you spend all your time with them not your loved ones?
You lost me. A meeting is an hour. If your working the steps you talk with your sponsor. Your in therapy as well. All this is Great. How much more time between your family and work is there in a day. Do you and your wife have friends?
When I was married my wife and I were busy 24/7 between Work -family obligations and our social life??
Why do you feel your in purgatory? I would look real hard at what you have in your life and start appreciating it.
Recovery does not mean you stop living. Whatever you andy our wife enjoy start doing it. Having 2 kids changes a lot of things in a marriage but my Ex and I always made an effort to spend as much time alone as we could. We had a lot of fun.
My marriage ended due to my failing health loss of earning potential and we fought over money. Today she is remarried 7+ months pregnant and raises my kids. She is a good woman. But was not willing to go to counseling with me or be willing to compromise in how we lived. She never thought I would leave my kids. But I left them as the marriage was killing me. I was married 14 years and 10 oft hem were great--the last 4?? Sheet happens. But you go on with your life. I gave up a lot but that was the only way for me to get truly sober.
Jer Fight for your recovery and your marriage. Divorce Blows. Trust me.
By the way if your scared or feel overwhelmed right now its natural. Having our disease and a family is a lot to handle. You mentioned one of children has special needs? That is added stress.
If your in therapy and going to meetings and are willing to listen and change your behaviour your life will become so much better. It takes time and hard work.
One day at a time-
Good luck--Jeff
Jer Being alone away from my two beautiful daughters BLOWS.. Your addiction has yet to cost you your marriage.
You have two kids who need there dad. Your wife needs a husband and your talking about not moving forward?
But You have a family to protect and provide for.
Trust is something you earn. It takes time. What do you expect?
Is your wife supporting you? Does she know about alanon?
Jer what do you mean by the people in AA INSIST you spend all your time with them not your loved ones?
You lost me. A meeting is an hour. If your working the steps you talk with your sponsor. Your in therapy as well. All this is Great. How much more time between your family and work is there in a day. Do you and your wife have friends?
When I was married my wife and I were busy 24/7 between Work -family obligations and our social life??
Why do you feel your in purgatory? I would look real hard at what you have in your life and start appreciating it.
Recovery does not mean you stop living. Whatever you andy our wife enjoy start doing it. Having 2 kids changes a lot of things in a marriage but my Ex and I always made an effort to spend as much time alone as we could. We had a lot of fun.
My marriage ended due to my failing health loss of earning potential and we fought over money. Today she is remarried 7+ months pregnant and raises my kids. She is a good woman. But was not willing to go to counseling with me or be willing to compromise in how we lived. She never thought I would leave my kids. But I left them as the marriage was killing me. I was married 14 years and 10 oft hem were great--the last 4?? Sheet happens. But you go on with your life. I gave up a lot but that was the only way for me to get truly sober.
Jer Fight for your recovery and your marriage. Divorce Blows. Trust me.
By the way if your scared or feel overwhelmed right now its natural. Having our disease and a family is a lot to handle. You mentioned one of children has special needs? That is added stress.
If your in therapy and going to meetings and are willing to listen and change your behaviour your life will become so much better. It takes time and hard work.
One day at a time-
Good luck--Jeff
Sub-man,
As far as the AA group trying to get me to spend more time with members, I am saying that I do not have time for more than the meetings and a half hour for coffee. A few of the guys have specifically told me that I need to be more active with them socially and lose "my whole circle." While I certainly will NOT spend any time with people who are bad for my recovery, most of my social circle will be there for support.....I just have to get the courage to tell them what I have been through.....that I am an addict. I was just responding that I don't have time to create a new social network with the AA group. My debt requires me to work many extra hours. Also, given the age of my boys and their needs, I am smack in the busiest part of my life. It should be a time that my wife and I rely on each other.....just like you suggest....the problem is it seems like I am headed for the other situation you are talking about.......divorce......I think that will kill me because I know I am responsible for breaking the trust.
Yeah, theses past few years have seen us drift.....kids and all....we've lost OUR relationship. I think I started focusing too much on that loss of intamacy as a reason for drug use, but many (including some wonderful people here) have set me straight.......That leaves me at square one.....I have screwed things up. You also need to know that I am still struggling with "God" right now, I know alot of people in 12 step programs go through this. I am still new at all this, but I am trying and I take it as life or death.
Everybody,
I know that my last couple of threads have shown me to be all over the place. On Tuesday, my counselor broughgt up the topic of childhood abuse. There is something there with me and it is like an open wound right now. The lonliness and related resentment I am showing here comes from the fact that I can only deal with what happened once-a-week, in counseling. If I didn't screw things up with my wife, I would share my burden with her. I feel like any blame I put on the abuse will give it more power over me. I know that is all cryptic. I am saying that I would rather take ALL the responsibility for my years of drugging and boozing......I am the one who did that to myself. As I look into my history....the amount of substances I abused by high school, I am forced to deal with the events of my young childhood. On top of that, I can't tell my best friend because my adult behavior violated her trust and love. Anyway, I am trying to tell you all that there is a reason that I am so scattered this week. My mind is clearing up and I am really feeling some pain and clear memories....I am feeling too much.
Jer
As far as the AA group trying to get me to spend more time with members, I am saying that I do not have time for more than the meetings and a half hour for coffee. A few of the guys have specifically told me that I need to be more active with them socially and lose "my whole circle." While I certainly will NOT spend any time with people who are bad for my recovery, most of my social circle will be there for support.....I just have to get the courage to tell them what I have been through.....that I am an addict. I was just responding that I don't have time to create a new social network with the AA group. My debt requires me to work many extra hours. Also, given the age of my boys and their needs, I am smack in the busiest part of my life. It should be a time that my wife and I rely on each other.....just like you suggest....the problem is it seems like I am headed for the other situation you are talking about.......divorce......I think that will kill me because I know I am responsible for breaking the trust.
Yeah, theses past few years have seen us drift.....kids and all....we've lost OUR relationship. I think I started focusing too much on that loss of intamacy as a reason for drug use, but many (including some wonderful people here) have set me straight.......That leaves me at square one.....I have screwed things up. You also need to know that I am still struggling with "God" right now, I know alot of people in 12 step programs go through this. I am still new at all this, but I am trying and I take it as life or death.
Everybody,
I know that my last couple of threads have shown me to be all over the place. On Tuesday, my counselor broughgt up the topic of childhood abuse. There is something there with me and it is like an open wound right now. The lonliness and related resentment I am showing here comes from the fact that I can only deal with what happened once-a-week, in counseling. If I didn't screw things up with my wife, I would share my burden with her. I feel like any blame I put on the abuse will give it more power over me. I know that is all cryptic. I am saying that I would rather take ALL the responsibility for my years of drugging and boozing......I am the one who did that to myself. As I look into my history....the amount of substances I abused by high school, I am forced to deal with the events of my young childhood. On top of that, I can't tell my best friend because my adult behavior violated her trust and love. Anyway, I am trying to tell you all that there is a reason that I am so scattered this week. My mind is clearing up and I am really feeling some pain and clear memories....I am feeling too much.
Jer
Jer...if you're going to meetings twice a day, I wouldn't worry too much about not wanting to deal with others. Especially when it takes enough energy to deal with your family and yourself. You'll start feeling more like yourself as time goes by with some much needed changes in the way you do things. Concentrate on you right now, be selfish. Your friends will either understand or not. I had to lose a few in order to take care of me. You deserve a big pat on the back buddy...hang in there.
mrjer,
One day at a time. You don't strike me as a fool, and only a fool would take major decisions about his relationships and family while he was in the middle of an emotional earthquake with fault lines stretching back to his childhood.
Everything is crumbling and shifting and sliding around and over and under you my friend....it ain't pleasant......but it WILL come to rest.
My advice, for what it's worth: until the World stops shaking and the dust settles, don't take any decisions you're not prepared to spend a lifetime regretting.
Martin,
From the other side of that decision.
One day at a time. You don't strike me as a fool, and only a fool would take major decisions about his relationships and family while he was in the middle of an emotional earthquake with fault lines stretching back to his childhood.
Everything is crumbling and shifting and sliding around and over and under you my friend....it ain't pleasant......but it WILL come to rest.
My advice, for what it's worth: until the World stops shaking and the dust settles, don't take any decisions you're not prepared to spend a lifetime regretting.
Martin,
From the other side of that decision.
Yeah, Martin......That's what I mean about "Purgatory." I know it will be a while before I can really take care of things. Talk about being stuck. I wonder what ring Dante would call this.
Jer
Jer
jer,
there's so much in Al-anon and AA and the steps that really, really make sense from a psychological viewpoint.....one is the saying "you're exactly where you're meant to be right now..."
Now whether you take that as a spiritual belief or not, I know that one of my "isms" is the child-like stamping of the foot when the world isn't moving to MY schedule. Doesn't it KNOW I've got things to do? Mighty feats to accomplish? Dante? He needs an update and I'm the man to write that damn screenplay!
Anyway.....I have a guess about one of the drivers that brought me to this place and it is that PART of me wants to do great things, PART of me tells me I am incapable of great things and PART of me beats me up for procrastinating, demanding that I go faster while the bit that's afraid of mistakes and failure yells "please don't even TRY"......
So I want everything to happen NOW!!!!!!!!!! to avoid the anxiety that comes with actually having to do the WORK....because doing the work is when I'm confronted by my human limitations. Now a mature man would accept these and carry on working, perfecting (NO! Not perfection dammit!) improving his art as he grows wiser and more skilled. Up until now I've demanded greatness of myself and simultaneously prevented myself from even trying for fear of failure.....so success has to be instantaneous. I think the cure - not just today's cure but a cure for my LIFETIME lies in learning humility and how to be realistic. Who knows? Then I might even be able to accomplish something worthwhile. I think I just might.
Maybe "go faster" is part of the problem you're trying to fix and reminding yourself of that might relieve anxiety - and speed the cure?
Just my feelings in response to your question so, as we say in Al-anon, take what you like and leave the rest...
there's so much in Al-anon and AA and the steps that really, really make sense from a psychological viewpoint.....one is the saying "you're exactly where you're meant to be right now..."
Now whether you take that as a spiritual belief or not, I know that one of my "isms" is the child-like stamping of the foot when the world isn't moving to MY schedule. Doesn't it KNOW I've got things to do? Mighty feats to accomplish? Dante? He needs an update and I'm the man to write that damn screenplay!
Anyway.....I have a guess about one of the drivers that brought me to this place and it is that PART of me wants to do great things, PART of me tells me I am incapable of great things and PART of me beats me up for procrastinating, demanding that I go faster while the bit that's afraid of mistakes and failure yells "please don't even TRY"......
So I want everything to happen NOW!!!!!!!!!! to avoid the anxiety that comes with actually having to do the WORK....because doing the work is when I'm confronted by my human limitations. Now a mature man would accept these and carry on working, perfecting (NO! Not perfection dammit!) improving his art as he grows wiser and more skilled. Up until now I've demanded greatness of myself and simultaneously prevented myself from even trying for fear of failure.....so success has to be instantaneous. I think the cure - not just today's cure but a cure for my LIFETIME lies in learning humility and how to be realistic. Who knows? Then I might even be able to accomplish something worthwhile. I think I just might.
Maybe "go faster" is part of the problem you're trying to fix and reminding yourself of that might relieve anxiety - and speed the cure?
Just my feelings in response to your question so, as we say in Al-anon, take what you like and leave the rest...
hi mrjer
i wanted to comment and say to you something that i feel about AA verses NA, with no disrespect to the program of AA as it saves many lives, but as an addict, a few AA members treated me unfairly, in rehab my program was based on AA and so were the meetings, an old timer piped up one night at a meeting and told me in so many words that this is AA and dont confuse the two missy....of course my intro and story was hi i am julie and i am an addict and with that being said it caused an uproar with this one particular member, he was so wrong in how he treated a scared newcomer and the other AA members must of felt bad on how he spoke to me as they comforted me on the smoke break. i feel you would be better off in NA, in NA we have no problem with alcoholics because alcohol is a drug, but in AA they dont seem to want to include us addicts in their program, at least that is what i experienced and i wouldnt want anything like that to happen to you and deter you from your present struggles.
just wanted to put that out there.
we had a speaker meeting last night and each and everytime i am just blown away by their stories, this program of NA really works! thats if you work it! i believe in it and it gives me such hope!
you will have a chance to get out your resentments in step 4, i used to think what in the heck are these steps and how can they help? what are these meetings about? what good is a sponsor? i have totally had a change of mind as i keep coming back, the miracle are in those rooms mrjer! you can be one too! jewels
i wanted to comment and say to you something that i feel about AA verses NA, with no disrespect to the program of AA as it saves many lives, but as an addict, a few AA members treated me unfairly, in rehab my program was based on AA and so were the meetings, an old timer piped up one night at a meeting and told me in so many words that this is AA and dont confuse the two missy....of course my intro and story was hi i am julie and i am an addict and with that being said it caused an uproar with this one particular member, he was so wrong in how he treated a scared newcomer and the other AA members must of felt bad on how he spoke to me as they comforted me on the smoke break. i feel you would be better off in NA, in NA we have no problem with alcoholics because alcohol is a drug, but in AA they dont seem to want to include us addicts in their program, at least that is what i experienced and i wouldnt want anything like that to happen to you and deter you from your present struggles.
just wanted to put that out there.
we had a speaker meeting last night and each and everytime i am just blown away by their stories, this program of NA really works! thats if you work it! i believe in it and it gives me such hope!
you will have a chance to get out your resentments in step 4, i used to think what in the heck are these steps and how can they help? what are these meetings about? what good is a sponsor? i have totally had a change of mind as i keep coming back, the miracle are in those rooms mrjer! you can be one too! jewels
Jer,
Wher ya been cause there's no more "purgatory".........I think the Church did away with that........all I can say is then what the heck did the nuns have us praying all the time for..........to get somebody out of purgatory........now ya tell me there is none? Sheeesh, and I am just messing with ya.
Jer, if for nothing..............placing blame on abuse..........this is only my story and my opinion..........is it an excuse? An excuse to use.......was it?......will it be up the line...........will discussing the abuse give it more power?
Again this is just me and I know people that say it's only an excuse........for me, that's when I got clean...........when some counselor at rehab was doing an intake...........and she asked a specific question............and I rambled yes just like I said yes to other questions.........truthfully that methadone was on my mind......"Where's my methadone? When do I get my methadone?"
Then the lady says "Oh honey there ya go".........that was that.......for some reason all that burying and choking back and holding in and hiding........there it was........simple as that........and for me it was a BAM kind of moment.......as I myself just couldn't understand how this bright chick with a lovely life became a heroin addict in her late 30's..........and since then I've been clean.......it worked the opposite for me once I knew.........and talking about it don't give it power.......and hiding it don't give it power and anybody told me that's a big, fat excuse........well if it was then it worked for me cause no way was I ever going to do drugs again because of some monster.............dang freak effected every relationship I had............dictated how I raised my child..........dictated how I respeonded to men..............naw, no way will I ever use again........just to show I'm bigger than some freaky creep.
Just me and again I know my way ain't the right way, but it worked for me......and I wish you all the best in the world with that............and burden your wife? If you can I'd at least try and approach that............yeah, she may say "Oh now you're making an excuse for it?"............maybe she won't?...why you gotta suffer the burden alone............then again I'm a weirdo so don't listen to me.
Hoping ya feel better..........you're doing good, Jer.
Wher ya been cause there's no more "purgatory".........I think the Church did away with that........all I can say is then what the heck did the nuns have us praying all the time for..........to get somebody out of purgatory........now ya tell me there is none? Sheeesh, and I am just messing with ya.
Jer, if for nothing..............placing blame on abuse..........this is only my story and my opinion..........is it an excuse? An excuse to use.......was it?......will it be up the line...........will discussing the abuse give it more power?
Again this is just me and I know people that say it's only an excuse........for me, that's when I got clean...........when some counselor at rehab was doing an intake...........and she asked a specific question............and I rambled yes just like I said yes to other questions.........truthfully that methadone was on my mind......"Where's my methadone? When do I get my methadone?"
Then the lady says "Oh honey there ya go".........that was that.......for some reason all that burying and choking back and holding in and hiding........there it was........simple as that........and for me it was a BAM kind of moment.......as I myself just couldn't understand how this bright chick with a lovely life became a heroin addict in her late 30's..........and since then I've been clean.......it worked the opposite for me once I knew.........and talking about it don't give it power.......and hiding it don't give it power and anybody told me that's a big, fat excuse........well if it was then it worked for me cause no way was I ever going to do drugs again because of some monster.............dang freak effected every relationship I had............dictated how I raised my child..........dictated how I respeonded to men..............naw, no way will I ever use again........just to show I'm bigger than some freaky creep.
Just me and again I know my way ain't the right way, but it worked for me......and I wish you all the best in the world with that............and burden your wife? If you can I'd at least try and approach that............yeah, she may say "Oh now you're making an excuse for it?"............maybe she won't?...why you gotta suffer the burden alone............then again I'm a weirdo so don't listen to me.
Hoping ya feel better..........you're doing good, Jer.
".........I think the Church did away with that........
Hey Bryn
I had to laugh at that as I was raised Catholic but haven't been back since I was a kid. Where do they say all the souls that were there are now?
Hey Bryn
I had to laugh at that as I was raised Catholic but haven't been back since I was a kid. Where do they say all the souls that were there are now?
BRYN!!!
I think that is what happened with me...just last week! Are you saying that the intake lady asked you if you experienced abuse.....and you just let out a "yes?"
My new counselor, the tough-old-broad, was asking me lots of questions....history with drugs etc. Right in the middle she asked, "was there any childhood abuse?" I hesitated. She asked, "physical or sexual?"
I sai, "Uh......" and then said it for the first time to another human.
She did not ask for specifics. Since that day, last Tuesday, I have been remembering and NOT using drugs or alcohol.
I'm all messed up about it, Bryn. Really lost now because I am trying to straighten out this mess and these a**holes keep dominating my thoughts. The worst part is I can only deal with it at therapy.........I am REALLY TRYING to meditate several times a day for 20 minutes to cope. Actually, I made a decision, last night, that I have a close friend I can tell.
Your post is like a bolt of lightening..........Am I giving this thing MORE power by using drugs, by bearing the whole thing on my own, by letting it screw up my life??!!!
It happened when I was six f***ing years old!
Bryn, I literally woke up from a nightmare about 15 minutes ago. I tried to breathe and then I looked at my computer....there was your post and I want you to know that it got right through to me and replaced panic with something more positive.....at least for the moment.
Jer
I think that is what happened with me...just last week! Are you saying that the intake lady asked you if you experienced abuse.....and you just let out a "yes?"
My new counselor, the tough-old-broad, was asking me lots of questions....history with drugs etc. Right in the middle she asked, "was there any childhood abuse?" I hesitated. She asked, "physical or sexual?"
I sai, "Uh......" and then said it for the first time to another human.
She did not ask for specifics. Since that day, last Tuesday, I have been remembering and NOT using drugs or alcohol.
I'm all messed up about it, Bryn. Really lost now because I am trying to straighten out this mess and these a**holes keep dominating my thoughts. The worst part is I can only deal with it at therapy.........I am REALLY TRYING to meditate several times a day for 20 minutes to cope. Actually, I made a decision, last night, that I have a close friend I can tell.
Your post is like a bolt of lightening..........Am I giving this thing MORE power by using drugs, by bearing the whole thing on my own, by letting it screw up my life??!!!
It happened when I was six f***ing years old!
Bryn, I literally woke up from a nightmare about 15 minutes ago. I tried to breathe and then I looked at my computer....there was your post and I want you to know that it got right through to me and replaced panic with something more positive.....at least for the moment.
Jer
Jer, I don't know if this will be any comfort to you, but alot of addicts I have talked to have had some sort of child abuse in their past, myself included.
I found that forgiving the person and praying for them was a major mark in my recovery.
Now I'm not so much AA/NA but I know that there is some prayer or passage in the BB that deals with forgiving those who did us harm. It starts with praying for that person.
Anyone?
I found that forgiving the person and praying for them was a major mark in my recovery.
Now I'm not so much AA/NA but I know that there is some prayer or passage in the BB that deals with forgiving those who did us harm. It starts with praying for that person.
Anyone?
I know that I need to face this, but I can't forgive. This thing has been there for as long as I remember and I often wonder if the people involved even think about what they did.
Also, it sucks that I am dealing with it only after I screwed up my life and lied to my loved ones. I can't use it as an excuse. I tell you what, though......it is a wide-open wound right now. It feels like I am just getting smashed by a giant wave and I have no control over breathing or the massive forces hitting me.
Also, it sucks that I am dealing with it only after I screwed up my life and lied to my loved ones. I can't use it as an excuse. I tell you what, though......it is a wide-open wound right now. It feels like I am just getting smashed by a giant wave and I have no control over breathing or the massive forces hitting me.
You are such a brave man, jer. Such a brave man. Those emotions have been behind a dam for years and it's TAKEN this to crack the defenses that little boy built to defend himself. Aren't you proud of him? Keeping you safe like that from this emotional storm....you're exactly where you're meant to be, EXACTLY.....your unconscious is letting you deal with it now, one moment at a time, at a deep level the real you knows you've grown enough to grow some more, that you're strong enough to find the strength and wisdom you need to heal this hurt. That's not my judgement, it's your own, that beautiful inner part of you, including that brave young boy who did his best to keep you safe.
It's happening now because you're ready now. Look at the maturity you're showing, look at the strength your showing, look at the compassion, the wisdom, the love for you, your boys and your wife. It's not given to you or me to fight for our Nations, but you're fighting for your very Self and you are going to win.
The thing is, you HAVEN'T lost it all, you haven't; it's in the balance. And jer, there are excuses and there are reasons......perhaps it WAS a reason, perhaps it was the best way you knew how at the time.....but now you know a better way, right? Now you know these feelings will smash into you like a flood, but if you let them flow through you instead of blocking them out the flood will subside....you'l be able to swim again in love and joy and peace and all the other emotions trapped behind that dam along with the terror and anger and hurt and the unwarrented shame or guilt that so many people who have been abused seem to feel....perhaps because in parts and places we are still too young to know it wasn't our fault.....well it wasn't your fault jer, and today is your chance to rebuild your life.
What a brave little boy you were to build such stout defences against such an outrage. I am so angry that they hurt you. They had no right to hurt you.
Be proud of that little boy inside you jer. Be proud of yourself and be kind and gentle too. He needs to feel your love for him, he needs to know it's safe. It is, you know. Because you're there to fight for him and to love him the way you'd fight for your boys.
There is love in this world for him and for you jer, it is a miracle how we humans can love. Enjoy.
It's happening now because you're ready now. Look at the maturity you're showing, look at the strength your showing, look at the compassion, the wisdom, the love for you, your boys and your wife. It's not given to you or me to fight for our Nations, but you're fighting for your very Self and you are going to win.
The thing is, you HAVEN'T lost it all, you haven't; it's in the balance. And jer, there are excuses and there are reasons......perhaps it WAS a reason, perhaps it was the best way you knew how at the time.....but now you know a better way, right? Now you know these feelings will smash into you like a flood, but if you let them flow through you instead of blocking them out the flood will subside....you'l be able to swim again in love and joy and peace and all the other emotions trapped behind that dam along with the terror and anger and hurt and the unwarrented shame or guilt that so many people who have been abused seem to feel....perhaps because in parts and places we are still too young to know it wasn't our fault.....well it wasn't your fault jer, and today is your chance to rebuild your life.
What a brave little boy you were to build such stout defences against such an outrage. I am so angry that they hurt you. They had no right to hurt you.
Be proud of that little boy inside you jer. Be proud of yourself and be kind and gentle too. He needs to feel your love for him, he needs to know it's safe. It is, you know. Because you're there to fight for him and to love him the way you'd fight for your boys.
There is love in this world for him and for you jer, it is a miracle how we humans can love. Enjoy.
My wife was yelling at me.....getting her father involved with advice about my debt. It's in my name only and I can work to pay it. I ended up telling her a little about what happened to me....damn to counselor for bringing it up.
First words: "You better not be making this up."
I am now totally apart.....completely broken. I guess this thread is like some sort of internal dialogue for me now. I told her and she thinks I am lying.....how do you like that? If ever there was a story to show exactly WHY being a drug addict is terrible.....nobody will believe you.
Now these guys have total control over my life......decades later, a bunch of sick f***s have total contol, just like they did when I was a little kid.
Wife paged my counselor....I have no control over anything.
First words: "You better not be making this up."
I am now totally apart.....completely broken. I guess this thread is like some sort of internal dialogue for me now. I told her and she thinks I am lying.....how do you like that? If ever there was a story to show exactly WHY being a drug addict is terrible.....nobody will believe you.
Now these guys have total control over my life......decades later, a bunch of sick f***s have total contol, just like they did when I was a little kid.
Wife paged my counselor....I have no control over anything.