How are you doing? Still hanging in there??
Yes I am, Thank you. Just got home from a big day of working in 115 degree heat. Thankfully My Nephew was along to pick up the slack when I just had to lean against a wall or sit down. I was out of one of my bp meds this AM so I had 189/142 blood pressure when I left the house this morning. Kind of scared me. I'm still jonesing, but I gotta work since I pissed away all my savings on dope.
I'm kind of impressed with my willpower to go do what I gotta do in my state. I'm sure that counts as ego and a bad thing to think, but I'm doin superman s*** in my state.
I even picked up a couple huge big accounts today! One will pay me $4000 up to $20,000 the big bucks if I can make his fountain pulsate like in front of The Bellagio in Vegas. I bet I can! But I told him it would have to wait till next week when I'm stronger.
When I told him that he looked at me kind of funny like they all do.. They look at me and I look normal and a big strong guy. So it doesn't make sense.
Then he said well, you gotta watch yourself when in Bangkok and winked....
I said you're so right.and left it at that. I wonder if he knows how close he came to hitting the nail right on the head? (I first got strung-out on H in Thailand)
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
Mark
I'm kind of impressed with my willpower to go do what I gotta do in my state. I'm sure that counts as ego and a bad thing to think, but I'm doin superman s*** in my state.
I even picked up a couple huge big accounts today! One will pay me $4000 up to $20,000 the big bucks if I can make his fountain pulsate like in front of The Bellagio in Vegas. I bet I can! But I told him it would have to wait till next week when I'm stronger.
When I told him that he looked at me kind of funny like they all do.. They look at me and I look normal and a big strong guy. So it doesn't make sense.
Then he said well, you gotta watch yourself when in Bangkok and winked....
I said you're so right.and left it at that. I wonder if he knows how close he came to hitting the nail right on the head? (I first got strung-out on H in Thailand)
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
Mark
Glad to hear it, Mark! What did that guy mean by "when in Bangkok"? That saying would bring to mind prostitutes and heroin if somebody said it to me. Does it have another meaning?
I don't know, it's not that I think AA is wrong necessarily, but I've done a lot of "superhero" like stuff for a person my age (and size - I'm tiny but very strong!), and I don't think I could have done these things without an enormous ego. I understand that ego is supposed to be bad for our sobriety, and I DON'T disagree with that statement, but I think that ego CAN be really good for accomplishment - and making money!!!
The crappy thing is that ego CAN be a big problem with spending it, too!!
I wish I were more like those people who make a lot of money but don't spend it. I need to practice being more frugal. I made a promise to myself earlier this week that I would stop throwing money away on frivolous pursuits. I'm a generous person, I donate a lot of money to charity (even though I'm often the person who needs the charity the most - I work for a non-profit), I like to give money away because it makes me feel strong and needed.
But ... in order to give away money you need to make it ...
I'm giving myself a headache. Anyway, keep up the good work!!
I don't know, it's not that I think AA is wrong necessarily, but I've done a lot of "superhero" like stuff for a person my age (and size - I'm tiny but very strong!), and I don't think I could have done these things without an enormous ego. I understand that ego is supposed to be bad for our sobriety, and I DON'T disagree with that statement, but I think that ego CAN be really good for accomplishment - and making money!!!
The crappy thing is that ego CAN be a big problem with spending it, too!!
I wish I were more like those people who make a lot of money but don't spend it. I need to practice being more frugal. I made a promise to myself earlier this week that I would stop throwing money away on frivolous pursuits. I'm a generous person, I donate a lot of money to charity (even though I'm often the person who needs the charity the most - I work for a non-profit), I like to give money away because it makes me feel strong and needed.
But ... in order to give away money you need to make it ...
I'm giving myself a headache. Anyway, keep up the good work!!
I have no idea what he meant by the "when in Bangkok statement". And I ain't asking!
Tough day today. Started early and had to quit early. I've got several good money reapairs and I need the money, but I just can't do it today.
Maybe if I feel better tomorrow, otherwise It'll all just have to wait till Monday.
My oldest dachshund, Auggie, is very sick and I'm affraid won't last long. He's 15 and I'm told that's how long they live, so I fear I'll be saying goodbye to my loyal Auggie who's of course been with me through hell and high water for 15 years.
I'll close now.
M
Tough day today. Started early and had to quit early. I've got several good money reapairs and I need the money, but I just can't do it today.
Maybe if I feel better tomorrow, otherwise It'll all just have to wait till Monday.
My oldest dachshund, Auggie, is very sick and I'm affraid won't last long. He's 15 and I'm told that's how long they live, so I fear I'll be saying goodbye to my loyal Auggie who's of course been with me through hell and high water for 15 years.
I'll close now.
M
Hey how are ya my name is kat, thought it was about time i introduced myself. I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy and i'd love to commiserate about the heat but i live in Scotland and our "summer" consists of about 20minutes at the end of June lol. I hope your wee dog is alright we have 3 dogs 2 big ones ( German shepherd and a malamute) and 1 wee one she is getting on in years now. My husband and daughter love all our dogs but she's special and has always been there tail wagging happy to see me no matter what. People underestimate how big a part a pet plays and i dread that time coming for us so i hope your dog's ok. Anyway i'll let you get on mate, stay strong KK
Thanks, Kat. It's apparent Auggie's in much discomfort so if things don't change when I get home I'll have him put down today. It'll be a sad day, but I ain't using over it. Just for today, I will not use.
Mark
Mark
I'm so very sorry to hear that, it's so sad. But you're right mate no excuses, one day at a time thats all you can ask. God Bless mate KKxx
I'm sorry, Mark...it's an awful thing to lose our beloved furry ones =(
I cried for days last time and iot took me 8 years before I could allow the family to get another dog...ugh...I really feel for you. He won't suffer, but you will...remember the love.
Comfort ~ M&M
I cried for days last time and iot took me 8 years before I could allow the family to get another dog...ugh...I really feel for you. He won't suffer, but you will...remember the love.
Comfort ~ M&M
dogs kind of let you know when they are done, dont they? wish it was that easy as a human. We have 6 dogs..the pit has had 2 knee surgeries lol the rottie is getting very close, i think he is senile, poor boy, our shephard is blind in one eye and the terrier has cataracts, they all came to us as rescue dogs and we never got rid of them lol the shar pei and jack russell are healthy and fairly young compared to the "old dogs" the German Shephard came to us as an evacuee from Hurricane Katrina where she was flown first class in a jet!! Her owner died and left her to us..there is a dog with an interesting past, we even have a pic somewhere of her in her plane seat looking out over flooded Louisiana..sorry you are losing your little dog
Oh, no, I'm so sorry to hear that, todd. I've had to prepare for that inevitable moment with my babygirl, she's a beautiful rottie and my very best friend in the whole world. I take her with me everywhere, people think i'm crazy for doing that. I just like having her company, she's a great pal. I'm so sorry and hope you're ok. Sad times.
Auggie died Sunday last. It's Friday now, some five days later, so I'm slowly getting over it.
It helps that I still have my little Dachsund Frankie, though he's only a year younger and slowing down as well.
I waited a day too long to put Auggie down. I'd hoped he would just pass away in his sleep. Not that easy as it turned out.
I won't go into details, but I waited too long.
I won't make that mistake with Frankie, God willing.
It's twenty one days out from Heroin shooting and this paws is eating my lunch.
Really, a pretty big day again today, and this Phoenix heat just won't let up!
I've kind of felt the same s***tyness for a couple weeks now. Day before yesterday seemed to be the worst. Maybe I bottomed out and will feel better next week. I guess what will be will be.
But Just for Today, I will not use.
Thanks for all the good will,
Mark
It helps that I still have my little Dachsund Frankie, though he's only a year younger and slowing down as well.
I waited a day too long to put Auggie down. I'd hoped he would just pass away in his sleep. Not that easy as it turned out.
I won't go into details, but I waited too long.
I won't make that mistake with Frankie, God willing.
It's twenty one days out from Heroin shooting and this paws is eating my lunch.
Really, a pretty big day again today, and this Phoenix heat just won't let up!
I've kind of felt the same s***tyness for a couple weeks now. Day before yesterday seemed to be the worst. Maybe I bottomed out and will feel better next week. I guess what will be will be.
But Just for Today, I will not use.
Thanks for all the good will,
Mark
Hey there, I'm so sorry your wee dog passed away you have my condolences. Please remember that your body has just had a massive shock due to withdrawing i'ts dangerous to over exert yourself in this period, especially in the crazy heat your country is having at the moment. Just take care mate let your body recover ok. Best wishes KK xx
Listen my friend- -
I love animals just as much as the next guy- - I had to bury my Sheltie(Joe Kool)
yrs ago- - after having him around for 10 or so yrs- Fucqing heartbreakin!!
I now have had this Kat- that my sister-in-law rescued off of the streets of the South Bronx. He was being fed by a bunch of nuns, but it was becoming apparent that without someone taking him off the streets - he was a dead Kat.
So she brought him to me one day about 8 yrs ago. and Cassidy the Kat is still going strong, but I dread the day "it happens* or worse yet> having to make a choice wheather you should spend 1000 bucks to save his life ...
I look at it like this .> out of all the creatures I know ,as heart breaking as it is...Id rather it be the animal pet of the family- - then a human in the family- -
Sorry man, tough to deal with on top of everything else. . .
with respect,
jack
Yeah- I was in Yuma ,Arizonia one time (a friend was in an army base down there)- - It was at least 112*- I strapped wet sponges to my feet to go out and get the mail- - haha- you would think I wouldve just put on my sneaks, ya know
Drugs make ya do wacky things................
I love animals just as much as the next guy- - I had to bury my Sheltie(Joe Kool)
yrs ago- - after having him around for 10 or so yrs- Fucqing heartbreakin!!
I now have had this Kat- that my sister-in-law rescued off of the streets of the South Bronx. He was being fed by a bunch of nuns, but it was becoming apparent that without someone taking him off the streets - he was a dead Kat.
So she brought him to me one day about 8 yrs ago. and Cassidy the Kat is still going strong, but I dread the day "it happens* or worse yet> having to make a choice wheather you should spend 1000 bucks to save his life ...
I look at it like this .> out of all the creatures I know ,as heart breaking as it is...Id rather it be the animal pet of the family- - then a human in the family- -
Sorry man, tough to deal with on top of everything else. . .
with respect,
jack
Yeah- I was in Yuma ,Arizonia one time (a friend was in an army base down there)- - It was at least 112*- I strapped wet sponges to my feet to go out and get the mail- - haha- you would think I wouldve just put on my sneaks, ya know
Drugs make ya do wacky things................
Thanks all, for the support. Auggie was my man. My best friend. His death was pretty horrible and I blame myself.
I sill cry at night over losing him. For fifteen years he was at my feet wherever I was. At night, he had to have some part of his body touching mine all night.
I know it's just a dog, not a human, but still.
I seem to be going the worst phase so far of this paws. It's NOT GETTING BETTER. It's been three weeks. Ive got to see improvement soon or I just cant stand any more of this morose, weakness, hyper-emotional, uncomfortable state I'm in.
Enough already!
I'm going to bed, hopefully to sleep.
m
I sill cry at night over losing him. For fifteen years he was at my feet wherever I was. At night, he had to have some part of his body touching mine all night.
I know it's just a dog, not a human, but still.
I seem to be going the worst phase so far of this paws. It's NOT GETTING BETTER. It's been three weeks. Ive got to see improvement soon or I just cant stand any more of this morose, weakness, hyper-emotional, uncomfortable state I'm in.
Enough already!
I'm going to bed, hopefully to sleep.
m
What symptoms are you getting with your PAWS? And how long do they last with you. I come from and live in Scotland and was never warned about it. Some medical professionals here are skeptical that the syndrome even exists. I hope it becomes more widely accepted here. Recovering addicts are dismissed by some, not all but some doctors when they complain that after months clean, they are still suffering withdrawl like symptoms. It sucks. Take care mate KKxx
For me, PAWS is number one, weakness. I just don't have the stamina I did six months ago when I was straight or one month ago when I was addicted. I walk slower and the least exertion just saps my strength.
I'm training my nephew and that entails working alongside him.
I said I hope to be 90% within a month. He looked shocked (he's never known me straight, he just got in town a couple months ago and only came to work for me when I started my withdrawals).
He asked, "you're not 90% now"?
I told him I'm maybe 30% now!
Also, PAWS is general lethargy and lack of motivation. General sadness, huge mood swings. If I think about something sad like my dog dying or some other past sad thing, tears come to my eyes. That's not like me.
I walked into my sponsor's office today just to say hi since I haven't seen him in months. We hugged and I cried. I felt a little silly sitting there in his office crying over basically nothing. Of course he understood. Still...
Muscles uncomfortable, nothing seems fun. Everything is a chore, even writing this.
The lack of ANY endorphins in the brain is no joke. It's serious depression! Any doctor that questions that is simply mis-informed or ignorant on the subject.
Not only do I not have any endorphins, but my brain built added receptors when I was flooding it with massive amounts of Heroin. So I have an abnormal amount of receptors all screaming for something I have none of... yet.
Hopefully soon I'll begin to produce endorphins again. And slowly, some say it takes a year at least, My extra receptors will shut down also.
After twenty-one days, my appetite still hasn't come back, my days are just grueling. Wether I sit on my a** (which I haven't been doing) or out sweating my a** off working at less than half speed, paws just makes life a tough grind.
I don't see things right; at night street lights and all lights appear way too bright.
Foods taste different. Some things, like chocolate, I hate the taste of right now.
My body can't control it's temperature. One minute I'm hot (in the cool house) the next minute I'm too cold.
If I thought this is as good as I'd ever feel, I'd seriously consider ending my life.
But I know through hard won experience that it'll get better... slowly. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day or the next day but one day I'll notice that I feel substantially better than I did the week before.
That day can't come soon enough! Cause today sucked!
And so it goes...
But, Just for Today, I will not use. And by my example, maybe I'll help another addict to not use.
That's kinda cool just by itself.
Mark
I'm training my nephew and that entails working alongside him.
I said I hope to be 90% within a month. He looked shocked (he's never known me straight, he just got in town a couple months ago and only came to work for me when I started my withdrawals).
He asked, "you're not 90% now"?
I told him I'm maybe 30% now!
Also, PAWS is general lethargy and lack of motivation. General sadness, huge mood swings. If I think about something sad like my dog dying or some other past sad thing, tears come to my eyes. That's not like me.
I walked into my sponsor's office today just to say hi since I haven't seen him in months. We hugged and I cried. I felt a little silly sitting there in his office crying over basically nothing. Of course he understood. Still...
Muscles uncomfortable, nothing seems fun. Everything is a chore, even writing this.
The lack of ANY endorphins in the brain is no joke. It's serious depression! Any doctor that questions that is simply mis-informed or ignorant on the subject.
Not only do I not have any endorphins, but my brain built added receptors when I was flooding it with massive amounts of Heroin. So I have an abnormal amount of receptors all screaming for something I have none of... yet.
Hopefully soon I'll begin to produce endorphins again. And slowly, some say it takes a year at least, My extra receptors will shut down also.
After twenty-one days, my appetite still hasn't come back, my days are just grueling. Wether I sit on my a** (which I haven't been doing) or out sweating my a** off working at less than half speed, paws just makes life a tough grind.
I don't see things right; at night street lights and all lights appear way too bright.
Foods taste different. Some things, like chocolate, I hate the taste of right now.
My body can't control it's temperature. One minute I'm hot (in the cool house) the next minute I'm too cold.
If I thought this is as good as I'd ever feel, I'd seriously consider ending my life.
But I know through hard won experience that it'll get better... slowly. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day or the next day but one day I'll notice that I feel substantially better than I did the week before.
That day can't come soon enough! Cause today sucked!
And so it goes...
But, Just for Today, I will not use. And by my example, maybe I'll help another addict to not use.
That's kinda cool just by itself.
Mark
| QUOTE |
| My body can't control it's temperature. One minute I'm hot (in the cool house) the next minute I'm too cold. |
Hmmm, are you sure you're not a 50 year old woman?
Just a little levity, Mark =)
That is a good description of the symptoms of PAWS.
Man, its been a long time- - just reading that brought back unpleasant memories
Yeah- no working endorphins is bad news. The pleasure sensors are all miswired for awhile- -
Sounds like your hanging in there- and you know whats happening- thats a good thing
blessings,
jack
Man, its been a long time- - just reading that brought back unpleasant memories
Yeah- no working endorphins is bad news. The pleasure sensors are all miswired for awhile- -
Sounds like your hanging in there- and you know whats happening- thats a good thing
blessings,
jack
LOL, I hear ya Mom.
Glad to hear you're still walking the path of recovery, Jack.
I had a dream that all my endorphine creating bits had been destroyed on this last heroin binge. Thank God it was only a dream!
Come on, old body. I know you can do it! Bring me back to mormal this one last time! I'll never ask this of you again.
A prayer.. of sorts.
By Mark
Glad to hear you're still walking the path of recovery, Jack.
I had a dream that all my endorphine creating bits had been destroyed on this last heroin binge. Thank God it was only a dream!
Come on, old body. I know you can do it! Bring me back to mormal this one last time! I'll never ask this of you again.
A prayer.. of sorts.
By Mark
Another Monday. I'm up before five and nothin to do. Feeling pretty shaky. I ate plenty yesterday, I think. Trying not to count the days but it's twenty some.
Gotta work today either way.
Mark
Gotta work today either way.
Mark
