Ok I'm feeling like an immature idiot tonight. Guess I'm wondering how long it takes to re-adjust to being off the H. Back on the subbies. I know...how long is a piece a string... Oh I don't know...none of you is gonna be able to answer my questions tonight, only he can do that but I don't wanna ask him. He's doing so well and it's only been a few days. Don't get me wrong I didn't help him through this because I want anything in return, I did it cos I love him and cos I wanted to see his smile again, the real one, the one that makes me melt inside. And I'm seeing that smile. I'm getting appreciation and he's enjoying my company. And it isn't even that I want sex (although goddammit yes I do!), but I can wait...some things are worth waiting for. I guess I'm just wondering whether waiting will ever bring what I want. What do I want? Well not conventional...I had conventional and found it boring and divorced it! And I guess I know that how much you love someone isn't judged by whether or not you kiss them, it's judged by...I don't know...but I do feel loved. So what the f*** am I whineing about? Jeez there's people reading this thinking "what the f*** is she whineing about?" Maybe I'm just craving physical affection.
I'm letting off steam in here to stop me from making an idiot of myself or being a pain in the a**. Blame the wine tonight. Dam stuff makes me morose. I got so much to be thankful for.
Sorry all.
Agh god...I just read Sammy's post on recovery and how you gotta be focussing on yourself and that it takes your energy to get through (not the right words, but I understand the meaning)...you see that's the beauty of this site...I can vent all my selfish "I want more" s*** in here and not place it on his doorstep just now. What was I expecting? Instant miracles? Miracles are happening because he's being amazingly strong and yeah he got my support to help with it but he's doing this and I am so proud of him and I am fine.
Honestly wen Kevin takes his subbies they make him really ill so he is thinking he maybe has to start the green...well not maybe cos nothing else is working for him and because those tablets make him so ill he is so scared to take them and ends up using it as an excuse to score one more time. Thing is we have always had money and its drying up now and he is even started to not be bothered about work and just lazing around?? Is this a normal stage of addicts???
Anyway as for how long...well who knows cos I suppose everyone is different. He seems to be sticking to it and if he is smiling...well thats a good sign in itself.
I can understand why you would rather post here than talk to him because I am on edge that if I ask the wrong question will he crumble and go back to the gear!!
I dont think I have helped you much there but my head is up my a** today and I cant think straight xx
Anyway as for how long...well who knows cos I suppose everyone is different. He seems to be sticking to it and if he is smiling...well thats a good sign in itself.
I can understand why you would rather post here than talk to him because I am on edge that if I ask the wrong question will he crumble and go back to the gear!!
I dont think I have helped you much there but my head is up my a** today and I cant think straight xx
Sounds like you're in the same state as me! No you didn't really give me any answers but it sure helps knowing someone is reading the posts and going through this s*** too!!! I understand what you mean about asking the wrong question, sometimes he's fine if I question away and other times he gets annoyed. Can't really answer your question bout the lazing around either...maybe someone else in here can...my guy isn't really lazing around and he is going to work but he is sleeping a lot and not going out much (apart from having to go to work).
Big hugs for ya Bunny and thanks for replying,
Maddy x x x
Big hugs for ya Bunny and thanks for replying,
Maddy x x x
dont mean to be a downer but sometimes i can take years to "find yourself again" and hopefully by now your alls relationship is still strong enough-it sounds like you guys are pretty tough--just give it time keep exuding love and patience--but dont give up your strength-be strong you deserve affection--dont lose sight of your need--good luck--
Hey you Maddy,
You can ask anything ya want and you are in no way whineing.....well WINEing. LOL.......I know wine makes me depressed........gets me all thinking and we know thinking is no good.......LOL......hey your entitled to have some understanding..........anything ya want.
It's kind of like.......well not wanting to go out say........aside from having to go to work.........ya just are in new surroundings........in your own SKIN.....you feel foreign to yourself..........cause ya can FEEL........you ain't faced "the real world" as it is in so long and here ya are all exposed.......so sort of hiding kind of makes it better........watching the TV or just hanging in the house.
That's why in a good way the NA meetings are great.........you socialize and with people in the same boat..........it's never been my thing, but I know people that it saved their lives..........like Tres........she was always going to a meeting or a social function related to her friends from NA........and that's how she got through it............and had fun actually..........plus that's how she learned about the jon she still holds and does so dang good at.......so in that way it's good.
Then again in that light many partners of the addict feel left out there as well Maddy..........cause their loved one now has new social friends you are not part of.........it's a looooooong process..........working back to being you........or better yet being a better person who understands why they used and stays clean.
You are not articulating anything other women who have been through this haven't..........like Bunny said........you guys are in it ya know.........Maddy if you go over on the family/loved ones board, right.........and ask for Becky P she can help you immensely...........she was to hell and back again and then in hell and back and is with her boyfriend and he's doing real good.......and she had posted about this too...........Becky P is awesome and she can say it better than me.
Newly clean...........with my gentleman friend..........well, the guilt........that gets ya..........so the less contact period..........besides sitting next to them.......it kind of gets ya out of that guilty feeling for a little while.........no matter how much too ya want to help and listen.........and my friend he did........you still have no idea............at ALL........unless ya been there.......you don't know....and it's not from a lack of trying and wanting to.........just like he has no idea how you feel going through that hell with him.
It took us a long time, Maddy.........most of us years of using.........to be that addict, and it can't POOF just go away............I mean back to "normal"......cause honestly we ain't "normal"............that's part of who we will always be............and working on us........we just have to.
I know you are so good with this..........and it's like the addict again can be selfish clean............but YOU got to do YOU too Maddy.........I did kind of get bugged like say a month into being clean and finally my boyfriend was like "Will sex ever be the same again? I mean what's with you?"........what is with me was years of stuff..........a body that could FEEL..........and an open mind and heart that well frankly I didn't feel like it.......I'm a chick so the guys may feel different and can tell ya, but HONEST it is not that he don't care and you know that and he loves you.........and I think allowing him his recovery time.......just telling him it's cool take the time he needs...........it'll be that easier.
That's it PRESSURE...........I can tell you are in no way pressuring him.......and I was not either, BUT I felt like I was being pressured........to just go out to a social party with him............ya know I didn't feel like listening to happy, pretty people..........even a movie........I didn't want to be in line in back of a couple who looked like they had it all...........knowing now hey everybody got their s*it.
Just needed to be left alone............with a movie to laugh at or cry at.......or just to sit with him and know he saw me through it...........and that was good enough............those of us with kids we had to move.........had to do the mom stuff..........you know how that is..........you get no reprive from that, but otherwise in the romance, kinship thing........I think we don't know who we are.
We;re new to us........we're afraid...........worried will we pick up.........sorry to the people we hurt............all that stuff.
Hope that was a little helpful............Maddy I hear ya........I honestly do and you have been awesome through this detox with him..........really good.
You ain't selfish...........no way........you are the opposite.........honest over on the other part of the board......ask for becky P.........actually others too can tell ya how it goes.........but her life in it........she explains it well.
It's going to be alright, darling........and keep writing.........keep saying what ya feel..........it's a very good therapuetic thing.
You can ask anything ya want and you are in no way whineing.....well WINEing. LOL.......I know wine makes me depressed........gets me all thinking and we know thinking is no good.......LOL......hey your entitled to have some understanding..........anything ya want.
It's kind of like.......well not wanting to go out say........aside from having to go to work.........ya just are in new surroundings........in your own SKIN.....you feel foreign to yourself..........cause ya can FEEL........you ain't faced "the real world" as it is in so long and here ya are all exposed.......so sort of hiding kind of makes it better........watching the TV or just hanging in the house.
That's why in a good way the NA meetings are great.........you socialize and with people in the same boat..........it's never been my thing, but I know people that it saved their lives..........like Tres........she was always going to a meeting or a social function related to her friends from NA........and that's how she got through it............and had fun actually..........plus that's how she learned about the jon she still holds and does so dang good at.......so in that way it's good.
Then again in that light many partners of the addict feel left out there as well Maddy..........cause their loved one now has new social friends you are not part of.........it's a looooooong process..........working back to being you........or better yet being a better person who understands why they used and stays clean.
You are not articulating anything other women who have been through this haven't..........like Bunny said........you guys are in it ya know.........Maddy if you go over on the family/loved ones board, right.........and ask for Becky P she can help you immensely...........she was to hell and back again and then in hell and back and is with her boyfriend and he's doing real good.......and she had posted about this too...........Becky P is awesome and she can say it better than me.
Newly clean...........with my gentleman friend..........well, the guilt........that gets ya..........so the less contact period..........besides sitting next to them.......it kind of gets ya out of that guilty feeling for a little while.........no matter how much too ya want to help and listen.........and my friend he did........you still have no idea............at ALL........unless ya been there.......you don't know....and it's not from a lack of trying and wanting to.........just like he has no idea how you feel going through that hell with him.
It took us a long time, Maddy.........most of us years of using.........to be that addict, and it can't POOF just go away............I mean back to "normal"......cause honestly we ain't "normal"............that's part of who we will always be............and working on us........we just have to.
I know you are so good with this..........and it's like the addict again can be selfish clean............but YOU got to do YOU too Maddy.........I did kind of get bugged like say a month into being clean and finally my boyfriend was like "Will sex ever be the same again? I mean what's with you?"........what is with me was years of stuff..........a body that could FEEL..........and an open mind and heart that well frankly I didn't feel like it.......I'm a chick so the guys may feel different and can tell ya, but HONEST it is not that he don't care and you know that and he loves you.........and I think allowing him his recovery time.......just telling him it's cool take the time he needs...........it'll be that easier.
That's it PRESSURE...........I can tell you are in no way pressuring him.......and I was not either, BUT I felt like I was being pressured........to just go out to a social party with him............ya know I didn't feel like listening to happy, pretty people..........even a movie........I didn't want to be in line in back of a couple who looked like they had it all...........knowing now hey everybody got their s*it.
Just needed to be left alone............with a movie to laugh at or cry at.......or just to sit with him and know he saw me through it...........and that was good enough............those of us with kids we had to move.........had to do the mom stuff..........you know how that is..........you get no reprive from that, but otherwise in the romance, kinship thing........I think we don't know who we are.
We;re new to us........we're afraid...........worried will we pick up.........sorry to the people we hurt............all that stuff.
Hope that was a little helpful............Maddy I hear ya........I honestly do and you have been awesome through this detox with him..........really good.
You ain't selfish...........no way........you are the opposite.........honest over on the other part of the board......ask for becky P.........actually others too can tell ya how it goes.........but her life in it........she explains it well.
It's going to be alright, darling........and keep writing.........keep saying what ya feel..........it's a very good therapuetic thing.
Can't find the edit button and real quick re-read what I said.......Ummm, Tres did NOT find a "jon".........a John at her meetings.......LOL.......I meant a JOB although a Jon is a job.
Man, if she sees that she's crack up..........no, no she has none of that going on...........she serves people food.........that's all the servicing she is doing.
Man, if she sees that she's crack up..........no, no she has none of that going on...........she serves people food.........that's all the servicing she is doing.
Lol Bryn...your so funny!! Will I find a jon at those meetings??? Hmmm?? lol
Haha yeah I figured you meant job!!!
Thank you so much Bryn for taking the time to write all that. And yes it did help...a lot. I sent him a text this evening and then the word that came into my head was just what you wrote "pressure"...he don't need me being all f***ing needy. So I sent another saying I'm an arse when I'm drunk and now I'm gonna back off a little and wait for him to contact me. Rang a friend instead tonight and poured out my little heart to her.
And the truth is, I CAN wait, as long as it takes. Don't really care if the sex is never really there...it's just the physical affection that's hard to do without...I'm not a particularly tactile person myself but will just touch his arm or something...it's little things...but yeah I'm ok. I know how he feels about me, just get a little paranoid sometimes...we all do...his self-esteem is so low that he got no energy to be boosting mine. I think sometimes that if I behaved with a non-addict the way I do with him I'd be like stalking or psycho...he needs constant reassurance...and can't be doing with reassuring me...
It's early days. And he's a kind person. I feel good just sitting there with him, so if that makes him feel good too then things are fine. Should stop the wine!
Maddy x
Thank you so much Bryn for taking the time to write all that. And yes it did help...a lot. I sent him a text this evening and then the word that came into my head was just what you wrote "pressure"...he don't need me being all f***ing needy. So I sent another saying I'm an arse when I'm drunk and now I'm gonna back off a little and wait for him to contact me. Rang a friend instead tonight and poured out my little heart to her.
And the truth is, I CAN wait, as long as it takes. Don't really care if the sex is never really there...it's just the physical affection that's hard to do without...I'm not a particularly tactile person myself but will just touch his arm or something...it's little things...but yeah I'm ok. I know how he feels about me, just get a little paranoid sometimes...we all do...his self-esteem is so low that he got no energy to be boosting mine. I think sometimes that if I behaved with a non-addict the way I do with him I'd be like stalking or psycho...he needs constant reassurance...and can't be doing with reassuring me...
It's early days. And he's a kind person. I feel good just sitting there with him, so if that makes him feel good too then things are fine. Should stop the wine!
Maddy x
