I started using meth in highschool and it was cool at first had a lot of fun. Eventually I became an addict and as a result I dropped out of college forgot about all my plans for the future and concentrated on tweak. I withdrew from all social relationships including women (except for one during the dark years) and society in general. I got by anyway I could holding dead end jobs here and there, while maintaing the illusion of being a normal person. Meth developed the effect of making me paranoid and afraid of the world, so I became a hermet. As a tweaker hermet with the normal sexual desires if not way way more because of the tweak, I discovered masturbating to porno's this is where my story begins. I would masterbate for days! unable to c** I couldn't stop! So there I am pissing of everybody in my vicinity with this unbeleivebly sick act. All my neighbors new what I was doing with the porno's going on 24 hrs a day, and the "thump thump thump" 24 hrs a day! This pathetic sickness went on for too many years, then one day someone video taped me in the act (really sick and unfortunate for my genitilia which was shrunkin like I was bathing in the antarctic!), so they could show the world what a sick freak I was. I became an overnite laughing stock, joke, you name it. Everywhere I went people recognized me and laughed in my face and called me jackoff, big jackoff q****, the fag and all sorts of colorful variations therein. I went into denial of the fact that I was a chronic masterbator and a freak and everybody new it, now it gets bad. As a result of being unable to cope with this disgrace, all the negative attention it entailed and being unable to stop tweaking and masterbating made me hate the world. They would call me names I would call them worse names including racial epithets that they did not deserve, I am not a racist, I guess I just wanted to hurt people back somehow someway, I apologize to you all you know who you are. I am sure that by now at least some of you outhere know who I am. I left San Diego for Oregon too see if I could start over fresh where I would'nt be recognized. Boy was I wrong! It seems I so thoroughly pissed off SD that the video followed me up here, I heard its on the web now, (if anybody knows the site please let me know in a reply message) so I could probably go to alaska and the moment I get off the plane someone would probably yell "thats the jackoff"...nice. I have struggled to maintain my sanity with little success I might add. But I have managed to have a family and a beautiful baby girl, I have lost them because I have been unable to deal with the torment and the hate that has swollen my heart. This is as far as I can go if you want to hear the rest your goin to have to wait for the book. This a true story, and I did it all to myself, dont let anything remotely similar to this happen to you. Dont let drugs, lust,or hate destroy you, like me, I hope this might help someone outhere to quit meth. I know your probably wondering why I havent killed myself, well to tell you the truth I already have, It just so happens that I'm still breathing.
Hi,
I read your post and then I read it again. I cried both times. I don't know how you get up and face the world each day. The pain you are in is ever present. I am at a loss for words and not by what you have done. What you did while on drugs was just that you were on drugs plain and simple. Thats what happens when something other than ourselves control our minds. My loss is how can I help you. What can I tell you today to make you feel like you are not just a breathing blob on the face of this earth. That you are a person who may have f***ed up big time but still a person none the less. So you see I am now troubled because I don't know if I have helped or hurt the situation you deal with everyday. I know you don't want anyone to follow in your footsteps but hey you know the drill someone addicted could watch their best friend die before their eyes and still not get it.
Much Love,
Guardian Angel
I read your post and then I read it again. I cried both times. I don't know how you get up and face the world each day. The pain you are in is ever present. I am at a loss for words and not by what you have done. What you did while on drugs was just that you were on drugs plain and simple. Thats what happens when something other than ourselves control our minds. My loss is how can I help you. What can I tell you today to make you feel like you are not just a breathing blob on the face of this earth. That you are a person who may have f***ed up big time but still a person none the less. So you see I am now troubled because I don't know if I have helped or hurt the situation you deal with everyday. I know you don't want anyone to follow in your footsteps but hey you know the drill someone addicted could watch their best friend die before their eyes and still not get it.
Much Love,
Guardian Angel
To Guardian Angel
I wrote "how meth killed me" I have registered under "methsucks" on here. Thank you for your post it means a lot to me to know that someone cares about someone with a nightmare past like mine. It's better than the "kill yourself" I have grown used to over the years. I thought I didnt know how to cry, I cried when I wrote the post and I cried when I read your post, but it felt good. I have never talked about it openly before since the video 6yrs ago. There are no words Guardian that you can say that can make me feel better or make my pain go away, the simple act that you cared enough to send me a post has given me a glimmer of hope. I have been living in my own personel hell and have been quite unreachable by anything even vaguely resembling happiness or love. I did this to myself, and now I have to get myself out, but there is no out, the pain will always be there, I have to learn to live with the pain and my past, so I can get rid of the hate.Last night I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ and asked him to come into my heart and my life, wish me luck, thanks Guardian.
I wrote "how meth killed me" I have registered under "methsucks" on here. Thank you for your post it means a lot to me to know that someone cares about someone with a nightmare past like mine. It's better than the "kill yourself" I have grown used to over the years. I thought I didnt know how to cry, I cried when I wrote the post and I cried when I read your post, but it felt good. I have never talked about it openly before since the video 6yrs ago. There are no words Guardian that you can say that can make me feel better or make my pain go away, the simple act that you cared enough to send me a post has given me a glimmer of hope. I have been living in my own personel hell and have been quite unreachable by anything even vaguely resembling happiness or love. I did this to myself, and now I have to get myself out, but there is no out, the pain will always be there, I have to learn to live with the pain and my past, so I can get rid of the hate.Last night I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ and asked him to come into my heart and my life, wish me luck, thanks Guardian.
Methsucks,
I too have another name which I will not reveal. It is not out of embarrassment but because I post in another forum about different drugs. The weird thing is that while I jump forums and read the posts I have never responded before, until now. Something about your post drew me in and took hold. The weirdest thing of all is the name I picked. It was the first thing that came to mind. So you said that you gave yourself to Jesus last night. Could I have been a sign from above. Yes, I do believe in god it is the miracles I have a problem with. I believe we make and create our own miracles. I hope that the glimmer that I started today will grow brighter as each day passes. I will be here if needed and look in often. Your pain and sorrow will forever be with me. All you have to do is write and I will respond.
Much Love,
(Your) Guardian Angel
I too have another name which I will not reveal. It is not out of embarrassment but because I post in another forum about different drugs. The weird thing is that while I jump forums and read the posts I have never responded before, until now. Something about your post drew me in and took hold. The weirdest thing of all is the name I picked. It was the first thing that came to mind. So you said that you gave yourself to Jesus last night. Could I have been a sign from above. Yes, I do believe in god it is the miracles I have a problem with. I believe we make and create our own miracles. I hope that the glimmer that I started today will grow brighter as each day passes. I will be here if needed and look in often. Your pain and sorrow will forever be with me. All you have to do is write and I will respond.
Much Love,
(Your) Guardian Angel
Dear MethSucks, Most meth addicts whom I have been in contact with, including myself, went places sexually that they are not proud of .They rarely share about this part of the addiction. The drug centered me on my on gratifacation with no concern for whomever I was with. Plus it led me into sexual acts that I don't need to share. Suffice to say, I am not proud of a lot of the places I allowed the addiction to take me. You need to forgive yourself for your actions to ever have a chance of overcoming the hurt you unwillingly placed into your life. I know and feel your pain. It took me awhile, yrs., to come to terms with and forgive myself for my addiction actions. Once I finally got there and did forgive myself it felt like a ton of bricks was lifted from my shoulders. I hope you can learn and gain something from this...With support and hope, your friend Linda
Dear MethSucks,
Who cares what other people think of you. It took me many years and 3500 miles to figure that one out. I have accepted my past, faced it and buried it, with the help of a therapist. There were times when she needed a break to just cry for me, I'm still not sure if that was professional or not but...I am alive again I have a beautiful family I have not touched drugs since December 28th 2001, and I can honestly say that I never will. Since you have surrendered to Jesus Christ you will know that it is not about you but Him. Trust in your Savior. I will add you to my prayers.
BTW if I posted some of the things that have happened to me and that I have done this post would not make it to the site to be read, there pretty bad. So stop kicking yourself, I have
Who cares what other people think of you. It took me many years and 3500 miles to figure that one out. I have accepted my past, faced it and buried it, with the help of a therapist. There were times when she needed a break to just cry for me, I'm still not sure if that was professional or not but...I am alive again I have a beautiful family I have not touched drugs since December 28th 2001, and I can honestly say that I never will. Since you have surrendered to Jesus Christ you will know that it is not about you but Him. Trust in your Savior. I will add you to my prayers.
BTW if I posted some of the things that have happened to me and that I have done this post would not make it to the site to be read, there pretty bad. So stop kicking yourself, I have
I have to agree with the last reply .....if there is one thing I have learned in 50 years , it is that EVERYBODY has skeletons in their closet. As far as I know the only perfect person was Jesus Christ and he died a long time ago, the rest of us are tryin to do the best we can (hopefully, but some dont give a f#*%$#) I mean geeez, a lot of times things only become big issues , cause in our fear they will become an issue ,...it creates the issue ( do you understand that?) People have a perverse enjoyement of others pain, if you did not care about it , others would get bored and let it go .... the hell with it , feel free about your past , cause that is exactly what it is....THE PAST, you cant change it , only how you feel about it , you can change the future tho, by every decision you make today....I have known many people with a lot of friends , yet were empty inside cause they werent true to themselves,....I have also known many people that others looked at as odd, or strange....but their lives were full ....of life , love , and true happiness cause what mattered most was that they were true to themselves and their hearts..... oh, and another thing I go by is what I call the "three finger theory" when others are pointing their finger at someone , they have three pointing back at themselves, Those that are laughin at you....what are they hiding that they have to make an issue of someone else ...F#%*@ THEM. move on with your life and hold your head up ......no one else will hold it up for you ....recovery starts within us , then the pieces fall into place ....take care
Thanks justonemore and "a friend" you guys are right I've been feeling sorry for myself too much. Time to take my life back, and if somebody doesnt like it, or has a problem with me they can just turn around and keep on walkin.
very best regards
very best regards
Follow up on my last post, I didnt mean to leave any one out I appreciate all the kind posts left for me. I think you've all helped me see through all my self pity. I cant say life is great yet but theres always hope. Thank you all very much for your caring, its good to know there are good hearted people like you out there, wish there were more like you all.
There ya go methsucks!!! Sometimes the answer is as simple as looking at the problem from a different viewpoint . Be who you are , ....I know one thing , not being yourself leads to an empty void that needs filling , I filled mine with meth , no more .....it is time to fill it with who we are , or who we aspire to be . hold your head up with pride , not down puffin on a pipe, or doin a line , or lookin for that vein . feel free to vent anytime , we're here, pretty much all the time .
MethSucks, and yes it does! I have lost everything that I worked hard for, everything and everyone I love. I've never had any kind of experience like you, but just knowing how I threw away everything is pretty embarrassing to me. I cried my eyes out when I read your story. I've been out of rehab for two weeks now and every morning I still wake up with the worst, sick, empty feeling. I just can't believe how I've ruined my life. I feel like I'm dead, but still breathing too. I just know it has to get better, because I don't see how it could get worse.
It does get better , it really does!!! give it time , and try not to beat yourself up over what you have lost . Some of us just have a different learning curve , so to speak. Learn from what you have been through , grow from it . What I have started doing is helping others to deal with their addiction , the addiction of someone they love , or to help stop someone from even starting . For me personally, it helps change the feeling of worthlessness, from years of using and losing everything important. To one of contributing to the well being of others . the past is past, we cant change it . We can change our lives from this moment forward by the choices we make and actions we take . best wishes to you
Dear guest, Every addict's addiction varies as does their recovery. My first 30 days clean where an empty hell. I started attending n.a. meetings and have learned tools and know I have support to win these battle. Good luck to you. I hope you are willing to take the support and use the tools. Doesn't have to be in a group. There are a lot of good recovery sites online. There are good books on how to recover at the public library. You need to experiment to find the tools that will work for you. My support and caring,,,Linda
