I've been using again for the past couple of weeks and I putting myself through absolute hell. Everytime I pick up again after a period of clean time it gets worse and worse. The last thing I want to appear like is someone feeling sorry for myself, afterall ultimately it is my decision to go and score. The problem is I genuinely feel completely powerless where my addiction is concerned. The majority of clean time I have had has been enforced, and despite my good intentions I continue to make the same mistakes. I had 4 years between 2001-2005, then another year recently. I need to learn how to cope with life without giving up so easily. Before I go and score I know I am doing something I don't particularly want to do . I am miserable being clean and equally, if not more miserable using. If I had read this even a year ago I would have told the person to "fix up and pull them self together". I have been doing a few meetings but I find the whole thing scary. I feel totally alone. I really really need help. Asking for help is a alien concept for me, but I have realised that when I try and do things my way I fail, and therefore I need to reach put and seek help from others. Heroin and crack are far too much powerful than me, and they keep beating me down, yet I find it impossible to accept defeat and instead I go back for another hiding. What can I say? I hope I am finally humble enough and have enough humility to accept others know more than me as they have been where I am now and are know longer living with the misery that I am. Sorry if what I have written is all over the shop and doesn't make much sense, but right now my head is all over the place. Peace to you all
..How many corners do i have to turn..How many times do i have to learn < just a lyric from a song but it seems to fit with wot ya saying..you seem to be answering ya own post ?..but are you using ya misery as an excuse to score or are ya scoring cos your miserable ?..if you can find the answer to that one then maybe you can start finding a way to start coping without using..addiction is with us for life wether we're active or not in using drugs..and you say you know you need people to help you..im not one for meetings myself..its just my willpower and knowing where i will end up again if i use but it ain't as easy as that..have you been to any kind of drug treatment centre for help ?..if not then maybe getting on a treatment programme and getting sumone to talk to about how you feel and why you end up relapsing might help you find the answer..maybe you can give us sum more info about yaself and how you managed to stay clean for 4 years and why you relapsed might help us more..peace bk atcha..Robbie..
Hey...I read your post as my heart was aching for you. There is no need to "white knuckle" it. There is no one size fits all for recovery. One thing that I have learned is that you don't have to do it alone. For me suboxone was instrumental as well as 12 step meetings. I found there that there were others that were like me and they were powerless over there addiction. I am not saying that meetings are for everyone because I know this isn't the case. If you would have asked me about going to AA/NA a few years ago I would have thought you were nuts. As a condition of suboxone treatment I had to attend....begrudgingly at first. I came around after awhile and actually connected with some......not everyone....but some. Meetings are not the be all and end all for me, however I have learned a new and different way to cope with what would consider "normal" life.
I have never been addicted to Heroin however I was a slave to percs and oxcycotin...which is an opiate and effects the brain in the same way. There is a big difference between stopping your DOC and being in recovery.......that is my opinion. Recovery can come in many forms and it doesn't have to be the way I went....I am just sharing what worked for me. I spent 5 years of my life finding, and doing dope. What a waste.
I also believe that I will never be cured but I can be in remission as long as I am aware of my own thoughts and actions that will lead me to relapse. When that happens I am blessed with the ability to call someone....that will talk me down and level me out. This has made a huge difference.
Opiates alter brain chemistry and it takes time to heal. I am not sure what part of the world you are in but maybe sub is something you can look into as a "TOOL" to help. Sub has given me the precious time that I needed to fix those irrational behaviours that go hand and hand with addiction. I won't say that I will never use again but I will say that I won't use today.
There is hope and self loathing and blame won't get you anywhere so I would forget about that. You my friend are just doing what addicts do when we have no one to help us through it. Stop beating yourself up, I am happy that you posted here that is a great start.
Can you speak to your Doctor about outpatient treatment. You have to work just as hard at staying clean that you did at going through the motions of using.
Big hugs....you are on your way.
I have never been addicted to Heroin however I was a slave to percs and oxcycotin...which is an opiate and effects the brain in the same way. There is a big difference between stopping your DOC and being in recovery.......that is my opinion. Recovery can come in many forms and it doesn't have to be the way I went....I am just sharing what worked for me. I spent 5 years of my life finding, and doing dope. What a waste.
I also believe that I will never be cured but I can be in remission as long as I am aware of my own thoughts and actions that will lead me to relapse. When that happens I am blessed with the ability to call someone....that will talk me down and level me out. This has made a huge difference.
Opiates alter brain chemistry and it takes time to heal. I am not sure what part of the world you are in but maybe sub is something you can look into as a "TOOL" to help. Sub has given me the precious time that I needed to fix those irrational behaviours that go hand and hand with addiction. I won't say that I will never use again but I will say that I won't use today.
There is hope and self loathing and blame won't get you anywhere so I would forget about that. You my friend are just doing what addicts do when we have no one to help us through it. Stop beating yourself up, I am happy that you posted here that is a great start.
Can you speak to your Doctor about outpatient treatment. You have to work just as hard at staying clean that you did at going through the motions of using.
Big hugs....you are on your way.
I have considered treatment and when I came home I spoke to my probation officer about it. Basically the area I am from is one of the worst in England for funding. He said I would need to do community treatment before even beibg considered for residential treatment. My initial response was "if I could successfully work community programmes then I wouldn't need to go to residential treatment". I've come to accept I need to try what is available rather than feeling sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong there funding policy makes no sense to me, but I just have to get on with it. You asked about how I stayed clean for 4 years - I was in prison the whole time. On release I managed to stay clean for a few months, then I convinced myself I could use just once.
The NA situation is something I have fought against, but I need to try something new. Plus I need to meet people who are going through the same thing as myself, and I also feel its important to get to know people who are sorting out their lives. All of my people are users. Believe me I find it really difficult going to meetings, but the evidence is there - it saves peoples lives.
If something else worked then I would try it, I've been using for 16 years now and it doesn't get easier. Its no longer fun for me, basically I am desperate and prepared to give pretty much anything a go. My problem is I want things to change quickly, and I know that thats not realistic. You cannot live a certain way for half your life and expect changes overnight.
The NA situation is something I have fought against, but I need to try something new. Plus I need to meet people who are going through the same thing as myself, and I also feel its important to get to know people who are sorting out their lives. All of my people are users. Believe me I find it really difficult going to meetings, but the evidence is there - it saves peoples lives.
If something else worked then I would try it, I've been using for 16 years now and it doesn't get easier. Its no longer fun for me, basically I am desperate and prepared to give pretty much anything a go. My problem is I want things to change quickly, and I know that thats not realistic. You cannot live a certain way for half your life and expect changes overnight.
..Going into a reahab after ya done a community detox wud'nt be a bad idea as it wud get you away from your surroundings and you'll be with people who are in the same boat more or less..its hard coming outta nick to the same area an nuffins changed and is easy to fall back into old habits..i was on gear for 14 yrs so i kinda know wot ya mean about the time scale of using..cos we have to learn how to live a "normal" (wots normal ?) life again.. we were so used to using that it became a way of life..just like sumone going to work..we went to score..we never just had a drug habit..the way we lived in all ways of life was a habit if ya know wot im saying ?..and that in itself is a hard habit to break..if you feel meetings might help ya then give it a shot and see how things pan out..but get yaself away from using pals, even if you continue to use..getting away from them is one step..but you can also be happy using in your own company which is wot you have to sort out..i bid ya good luck in wotever way you try to get off the drugs..and theres no harm in giving different ways of trying to kick them a shot..Robbie..
It's good that you've found this board, there's a lot of very compassionate and wise people here. I'm not an addict but very close friends with one, also in the UK. He found subutex was the best way for him to get clean (although he's not bloody clean again now). They are reluctant to subscribe sub instead of methadone because it costs more...also if you're an IV user they might make you go for daily supervised consumption cos it can be abused...although my friend gets his prescribed and takes it at home. There are people who find meth a good way off but my friend didn't...he just used at the same time as being on the meth...but I know others find it useful.
But that's just the physical side of things. That's why my friend is back using again. He's not ready to be clean, says he can't imagine life never using again. And until he reaches that point, no help in the world will make any difference. He uses the stresses and bad things in his life (like his financial situation, his boring job) as an excuse to use. But then using makes his financial situation a whole lot worse! It's a vicious circle...you use cos you're down, then you're down cos you using...
Anyway, I wish you all the best in your recovery...keep posting here, you'll get a lot of straight-talking advice. Good luck.
Maddy x
But that's just the physical side of things. That's why my friend is back using again. He's not ready to be clean, says he can't imagine life never using again. And until he reaches that point, no help in the world will make any difference. He uses the stresses and bad things in his life (like his financial situation, his boring job) as an excuse to use. But then using makes his financial situation a whole lot worse! It's a vicious circle...you use cos you're down, then you're down cos you using...
Anyway, I wish you all the best in your recovery...keep posting here, you'll get a lot of straight-talking advice. Good luck.
Maddy x
Hi there, it's already been said that there is no one magic treatment that cures you of your addiction. The thing that worked for me after years going through exactly the same cycle as you was to sit back at really take stock. You have to really wake up to the magnitude of the task ahead of you and stop looking for shortcuts and miracles. I had tried inpatient rehab, but it didn't work for me coz although I got clean whilst away, I had to eventually go back home and face the same old environment. Basically, as I'm sure you're starting to realise, getting clean is relatively easy, it's staying off the gear that is hard.
For me, I realised that if I was going to succeed, I had to do it insitu - with all the temptations around me. I had to cut off all my ties to that world whilst knowing it was all around me. I split up with my long time boyfriend, move to a new flat, which was still in town, but it got me away from people calling over with their usual requests, to put it politely. And I had to accept the help from the local drugs team. I did an 18month subutex detox, and I had excellent support from the drugs team. Being in a new flat was totally instrumental too. It helped me start afresh, become a new person, and gave me something to focus on.
You can't do this half arsed, you have to have total commitment. And if you are miserable whilst clean, then you have to spend some serious time asking yourself why. For me it was because life seemed so dull without the chaos of addiction, and I was lonely. I made a concerted effort to make new friends, and meet new people. And that became quite exciting in itself. I'd be sitting in my flat feeling bored and miserable, so I'd say, right girl, put on your glad rags, and get out. So I'd go places, on my own, clubs and pubs, and have a blast. And I'd go walking on the beach, and I'd have a goal - to strike up a conversation with at least one person I'd never met before. You'd be surprised at where these conversations led. Two years later I've got a 7 month old daughter and a three bedroomed house. The bills are paid, I got mates, loads of mates who aren't junkies, I can walk into my local any time of the day or night and be surrounded by people who have been wonderful to me. The landlady gave me a 32 inch TV and a microwave when I got my house, I've had people coming over and helping me out big time with all the work, doing plastering and fitting plug sockets and painting the place for me. All these people, all these friends are friends I made since quitting drugs.
You have to find something to fill the huge gaping hole in your life that heroin has left behind it, and you have to keep trying even when you fall flat on your face. Not everything you try will be successful. I tried adlut education but the course was held miles away and wasn't practical, I tried a writers circle (coz I like to write) and discovered that the world of middle class suburban housewives wasn't ready for the likes of me yet! (That was actually quite funny!!) I tried going to MIND, but I don't think I was quite mad enough! I tried internet dating, but I got really ill and missed all the dates that I'd made. To be honest, it was the walks on the beach that were most successful. But you keep trying, you keep focused. it gves you something to do, it gives you something to focus on, and it keeps you from sitting on your arse thinking about drugs. And eventually something will click.
Keep smiling - you've got your whole life ahead of you. If you don't want to be sitting there lamenting your crappy life, and all the missed opportunities this time next year, then you have to do something about it, and the sooner you start the sooner you'll be where you want to be, which is probably anywhere that isn't where you are now!
best wishes
Diff x
For me, I realised that if I was going to succeed, I had to do it insitu - with all the temptations around me. I had to cut off all my ties to that world whilst knowing it was all around me. I split up with my long time boyfriend, move to a new flat, which was still in town, but it got me away from people calling over with their usual requests, to put it politely. And I had to accept the help from the local drugs team. I did an 18month subutex detox, and I had excellent support from the drugs team. Being in a new flat was totally instrumental too. It helped me start afresh, become a new person, and gave me something to focus on.
You can't do this half arsed, you have to have total commitment. And if you are miserable whilst clean, then you have to spend some serious time asking yourself why. For me it was because life seemed so dull without the chaos of addiction, and I was lonely. I made a concerted effort to make new friends, and meet new people. And that became quite exciting in itself. I'd be sitting in my flat feeling bored and miserable, so I'd say, right girl, put on your glad rags, and get out. So I'd go places, on my own, clubs and pubs, and have a blast. And I'd go walking on the beach, and I'd have a goal - to strike up a conversation with at least one person I'd never met before. You'd be surprised at where these conversations led. Two years later I've got a 7 month old daughter and a three bedroomed house. The bills are paid, I got mates, loads of mates who aren't junkies, I can walk into my local any time of the day or night and be surrounded by people who have been wonderful to me. The landlady gave me a 32 inch TV and a microwave when I got my house, I've had people coming over and helping me out big time with all the work, doing plastering and fitting plug sockets and painting the place for me. All these people, all these friends are friends I made since quitting drugs.
You have to find something to fill the huge gaping hole in your life that heroin has left behind it, and you have to keep trying even when you fall flat on your face. Not everything you try will be successful. I tried adlut education but the course was held miles away and wasn't practical, I tried a writers circle (coz I like to write) and discovered that the world of middle class suburban housewives wasn't ready for the likes of me yet! (That was actually quite funny!!) I tried going to MIND, but I don't think I was quite mad enough! I tried internet dating, but I got really ill and missed all the dates that I'd made. To be honest, it was the walks on the beach that were most successful. But you keep trying, you keep focused. it gves you something to do, it gives you something to focus on, and it keeps you from sitting on your arse thinking about drugs. And eventually something will click.
Keep smiling - you've got your whole life ahead of you. If you don't want to be sitting there lamenting your crappy life, and all the missed opportunities this time next year, then you have to do something about it, and the sooner you start the sooner you'll be where you want to be, which is probably anywhere that isn't where you are now!
best wishes
Diff x
Dammit Diff, I wish I could introduce you to Sean...he could sure benefit from a chat with you.
Maddy x
Maddy x
Hey EW,
Stick with us.........see ya got plenty of good advice...........you certainly want this bad enough............you're definately gonna do it.
Let us know how you are, O.K. and what's up.
Stick with us.........see ya got plenty of good advice...........you certainly want this bad enough............you're definately gonna do it.
Let us know how you are, O.K. and what's up.
Maddy,
We all want Diff..........ya gotta wait your turn........LOL..........wise chick ain't she? Not to mention funny as anything.......she makes beautiful children as well.
Man, if I wasn't straight I'd be across the pond trying to get with her.
We all want Diff..........ya gotta wait your turn........LOL..........wise chick ain't she? Not to mention funny as anything.......she makes beautiful children as well.
Man, if I wasn't straight I'd be across the pond trying to get with her.
And she's a biker-chick too!!! :o)
Do ya reckon I could start a fan club? I could start a new website, like a kinda online agony aunt. I'll call it Diff's Dilemmas... You know I can go days at a time without having a proper conversation with an adult. Sometimes I feel that if I sing Baa Baa Black Sheep one more time I'll go stark staring bonkers. You guys keep me sane!!!
God, I'm looking forward to my month in South Africa after Xmas. In house baby sitters, hot sunny weather, gin and tonic by the pool, skinny dipping at midnight, plus a big f*** off V8 4x4 to drive. And don't forget the surfers I can drool over... I need some time out!!!
I'm taking the camper up to Llyn Brianne on Weds with a few friends. Camp fire, Delyths excellent lamb cawl, and loads of fireworks. The babs is gonna love it, and I just need to chill out. Been feeling a little stressed and resentful today. My boyfriend gets to get drunk at the pub every bloody night. I get to schlep round Tescos, cook dinner, feed the baby and then listen to him snoring on the sofa.
love
Diff xxx
God, I'm looking forward to my month in South Africa after Xmas. In house baby sitters, hot sunny weather, gin and tonic by the pool, skinny dipping at midnight, plus a big f*** off V8 4x4 to drive. And don't forget the surfers I can drool over... I need some time out!!!
I'm taking the camper up to Llyn Brianne on Weds with a few friends. Camp fire, Delyths excellent lamb cawl, and loads of fireworks. The babs is gonna love it, and I just need to chill out. Been feeling a little stressed and resentful today. My boyfriend gets to get drunk at the pub every bloody night. I get to schlep round Tescos, cook dinner, feed the baby and then listen to him snoring on the sofa.
love
Diff xxx
Yeah you deserve some time for you Diff, sod us lot needing our dam agony aunt!!! You enjoy your time! You deserve it. And yeah Tescos does your head in doesn't it?!!!
