How Should I Respond?

I have a friend who is actually also my neighbor who lives right across the hall from me. She knows my situation but I never know what to say when she says things like "Its really sad to see you with him. You know he won't change. You being with him makes you look bad and people are going to assume you're like him. You're just wasting your life being with someone who will probably never change."
So what does one say to that? I'm tired of sitting there feeling bad about what she says but I don't really agree that because I am with him that it makes me look bad! I don't think people assume I'm an addict because he is one. I know all my friends are frustrated with me for staying but they don't really say much about it.
Hi, Kittycat

Well, I know what you are talking about. My "problem" is known by my girlfriends brother........she almost quit talking to me when my "problem" and I got together. It was unknown to me what he was all about, his "history" and so forth. My friend told me that her brother said, "if you think so highly of this woman, maybe you should re-evaluate your friendship with her. Maybe she only "seems" what she (me) makes herself out to be." That was a real eye opener! History does repeat itself, it seems! No, I am not an addict, never have been to anything, well, maybe, an occasional piece of chocolate whatever! :-). Your neighbor is only showing concern. I know it's hard. There is a special place in my heart for my "problem." His family must know. Noone can tell me what broke up his marriage years ago, but yet his cousin has told me that my "problem" doesn't steal. I'm sure they must know about him. He essentially has no property, doesn't own anything really except a truck and a cell phone. I've said this before on other posts. He keeps calling me and leaving messages, plus he leaves me email. It's very, very crazy.
Dear Kittycat, Know that even when questions from others may come out wrong, they may have good intentions, remember where it's coming from, out of concern.... While my bf was alive, a shared few knew of his addiction, and one friend obviously did not approve as she cared for me and was worried for me. I never brought up the topic with her much as I didn't feel comforatble. Other friends knew him & his addiction, were worried for both of us, though accpeted him for who he was and did their best to shed as least amount of judgement as possible. How to respond? Well is she someone who you like or know well. Maybe despite opinions/perceptions she has she could be of support to you. Maybe you could let her know that although you haven't made any major decision that you'd like to chat, tea whatever. Or you can agree that it is sad, because it is..... Others will judge, that's the way the world works. I don't always like it, but I'm not gonna pretend that it doesn't exist. I don't judge addicts I just think behind that addiction lies a really sad person, who is in such turmoil , one that I'll never know. You live with your choices & consequences, no one else. She goes home at the end of the day & has her own life good, peaceful or not. Good luck, Dora
in response to how to respond. when people would tell me similar things i would tell them that until they are put into the same situation they will never know what i go through everyday. i dont need to explain to anyone that i am not the same as him and neither do you. if they cant see that your not and that your trying to straighten your life out(which you didnt mess it up to begin with) than their opinions and what they think about you shouldnt bother you. that might sound stupid or maybe somehow irresponsible but when it comes to this type of life and cleaning up the mess, we dont have time to worry about the people who will probably never understand whats going on.
Dear kittycat

Hope the hamsters are ok, I agree they are very cute, always trying to escape.

I know how you feel with your neighbour being concerned. I just found out recently that friends of mine who I dont see so ofter and people I dont really know had been approaching my best friend and questioning her whether I was on drugs, they dont even know my boyfriend but because of the stress I was going through thought I was using. Also my closest friend who I stupidly confided in loves to gossip and I have found out from another close friend has been gossiping about me and my boyfriend and whether Im using as well (she thinks Ive been doing crack). Ive told her that I havent and she still doubted my word. Me and my bf spend most of our time at home or go to pub for a couple of pints we dont really go clubbing or anything anymore so dont know where it came from. She is supposed to support me but sometimes I think she finds it all very dramatic and likes to gossip as its such a horrible situation.

This has really pissed me off 1) to think strangers and friends are judging me and not approaching me. 2) that they think I have so little respect for myself that I'll join in and start using as well. 3) that my best friend is gossiping about my bf, someone who has always been kind and friendly to her, cooked for her, been on nights out, let her stay over, stuck up for her when men have hassled her. She has started to think of him as an addict and me too.

Its horrible to think people worry about you and that they think your making wrong choices in your life. But until they are in the same situation they dont know what its like! I love my friends and I will keep in my head what one friend said when I asked her if she understood why i was still with my bf. She said she likes him, he's clever, he's kind, he's nice, he dosent steel BUT If Im still with him and feeling this way in a year then its sad!

And thats true, I think people will understand to a certain point, but if it dosent change or they dont get help, how much of our life can we put into them. We deserve something back!

Babbling AGAIN!
KittyKat,

To me one of the hardest things to deal with is other people - I think its one of the reasons I keep coming back here. You should here some of the horrible things I heard from people when this all broke out....like I have said in other posts where I come from things like this dont happen to people like me.

People would come over to stop me from allowing him to see my son. When people asked me where he was living and I would say I didnt know they would say that he was probably just living on the street and stealing from old ladies. They would say horrible things about him that would, and still do really hurt me. I hate to hear people bad mouthing him - it has even gotten back to me that for all these years that we were married my father in law had to pay our rent and other bills because he was spending it on heroin. That is bul**** - if there is one thing that my ex can be very proud of is that he supported his family very well - we lived in a great house, I stayed home with our son for 2 years, after that he went to private school....he did really well when he was well and I hate to see people take that away from him.

I started telling people flat out to not bring up the subject with me full stop. I told them that it was all so dramatic and hard to deal with that I did not need people making things worse than they are. Of course I am accused of being co-dependant and covering up for him etc....but you know what I trully have bigger fish to fry! I need to rely on me and on what I know and deal with what I have in my hand - not on what the entire town thinks, and thinks they know.

But everyone who responded is right, it is well intentioned and out of concern and so you might suggest to people other ways in which they might help you. i.e "listen you really cant understand what all this is all about, your comments make things harder for me. You know what would really help - if you came to the movies with me, or if we went out for a drink and never once mentioned the word addict, boyfriend" etc.

Charly

I agree with your last bit about just going out and not talking about it and just spending time talking about day to day things. Sometimes things people say to you can make you question your situation more and worry more. Sometimes I get to the point when I think what am I doing everyone thinks Im so stupid and I totally forget that a lot of the time me and my bf are happy and have a good laugh and I do actually love him and that he is a person, hes not just an addict. My bf is detoxing from heroin and he so wants to be free from all this and so do I. But even though he is getting clean my head still spins over comments made by friends and I take it out on him because it all confuses me and makes me resent him.

The co-dependancy thing scares me, Im worried that perhaps I am. It makes me question my love for my bf. All my friends say they couldnt do it, but how do they know they havent been put in the same situation, they dont know if they would stick around or not. But then I think Im strong enough to go through all of this, I know Im strong enough to be on my own, and when things get to much I will walk away! What keeps me with him is that Ive never felt so comfortable with a bf as I do now, despite all the stuff that happened when he relapsed, so I think hes worth holding on for one more chance. Is that so wrong?
Of course you are not wrong - in the end the truth of it is that we each have to make our own decisions. Our decisions have to be ours - not the people who at times cannot understand us, no matter how much they feel for us and want to help us - not our addicts decisions and being pushed around by them, but ours.

I was told by other people that my husband was a "junkie" (literally how it was put to me) and for a long time I made the decision that I would not listen to anybody but would go on what I saw and observed. For a long time it was hard for me to make the decision because as we all know they are quite skilfull at hiding it all. In the end I decided to leave him but I do not regret having stuck around and waited till I was sure of what was happening before leaving.

I think that despite peoples best intentions if things had been handled differently by people around "us" as a couple things could have turned out a little better. Word spread very quickly and he also ran from our town, I think out of shame - obviously he ran the direction everyone wanted him to steer clear of - but that is where he felt he had support. He felt our friends thought little of him and so he found new friends - who support his behaviour. Perhaps if they had been a little bit more supportive things could have been turned....but I know how pointless these what ifs can be...he might have ended up exactly where he is now.

So anyway...
Thanks to everyone who responded. You are right, she is just concerned for me. Its funny though, she has two exes who are both addicted to cocaine and crack but she figured that since she left them, I should be able to do so easily as well. I just feel insulted when she says those things for me. Maybe people should really find different ways of putting their words, like if she were to say "I'm really worried about you" or something you know? Not oh it makes me sad that you are with him and people are going to think you're a junkie too. My bf has been nice to her too, he's helped her and cooked for her but now that he found out she's been badmouthing him (she didn't know he was over when she made some comments in the hallway) he hates her.

Helena..the hammies are doing good! It was cute, last night my bf slept over (things have been good all week between us, wish it could always be this way) and he fell asleep on the couch. Greta was running in her wheel so he took it off..later he put it back on but a little too high and I saw her trying to hoist herself up into the wheel, little legs kicking frantically for about a minute! It was cute, I felt bad for her.

Kittycat

Glad to hear you and your boyfriend are getting on. Thats so good, you deserve some calmness. Its so nice when all goes well. I know why he took Greta's wheel off they make such a racket and they go on all night!

We've reversed our bf situation as me and my bf are not getting on v well. I seem to always be on his back about something and its out of order of me to do that as he is not doing anything wrong, just find the whole situation v difficult. Im not being very supportive and giving him space. He was talking about leaving me next week and going away to recover in peace as that will be when most ill and I think the stress I cause him makes it hard for him to keep focused on getting better. He is doing well going to meetings every day and he is even going caving Friday with local drugs project group. So he is doing well, just were not. Guess its just lot of pressure for both of us and it will work out.

Hope things continue to be good for you!
KittyKa,

I am really so glad things are going well right now. Enjoy this time you are getting with your b/f.!
Thanks Helena and Charly,

Sorry things aren't that great between you and your bf Helena..guess we all have our ups and downs with our addicts. Its to be expected.
Charly, yes I am enjoying the time we have because it goes down the drain between us really fast! He gets paid this weekend and normally if he makes the decision not to use on the weekend and blow his check, he comes over right after to be with me but tomorrow is my sisters birthday so my sister and I are going with my parents out for dinner. I hate this but I kinda wish it wasn't tomorrow because I'm worried he's going to decide to use while I'm out. I told him to come over after I get home which won't be late at all but can he last? I guess we'll see.
Dear Helena, I am sorry to hear that you and your bf are not getting along very well at this moment. Being on the other end is difficult..... Are you worried about him relapsing?

Dear Kittycat, Just a thought....... Wether you are with him or not it's still his choice..... Sitting at home will not influence his decision. Go with your family and laugh with your sister (if you can....) Maybe you'll feel more into it once you are there. I also at one point in our rel. stopped going out as much, though in the end he either decided to still use and other times not..... You deserve to get back the love you give, go and try to have fun, I know it's hard as your heart may not be into it, though think with your brain and your heart just may follow!!!!!
Dora
Thanks Dora! You are right and its something I have to keep in mind, that I can't put my life on hold and isolate myself because he might use. So many times I've put off plans only to have him not see me anyways like planned and do drugs.
I know I've gone out so many times and my heart was never in it, sometimes I'd be at a club crying silently because of him but it was better to be out amongst friends rather than sitting at home being miserable by myself, driving myself crazy!

How are you doing?
Dear Kitty, I really felt that way as well.... While my bf was back into H, or just relapsed if I'd be out with a hriend I'd be ther in body, though not in mind..... Though times where I did push myself, at times I was grateful, cuz I'd feel better and more relaxed. I am doing I don't know..... I can't say good, can't say bad.... It's just really hard, I have moments where I'm totally functioning though all I can say is that it's hard, it sucks, I hate what happened, I'm sad, I hate drug addiction, & I'll be in therapy for a good while! I'm angry with my late bf for relapsing that night, as what was " a reward" in his distorted way of thinking, wound up making him crazy, almost taking my life and his as well. I go from being angry, to feeling sad that his life ended in such horror and trajedy. It didn;t have to end this way, as mentioned before I was worried that he could od, though the end was sooo much more horrific than I had ever imagined, as the 6 yrs. together he was non violent. It'll never make any sense to me, the only answer that I have is that it was the drugs that made him crazy. I feel bad to this day that he carried so much shame, guilt, etc.... Though that was his, and he needed to take risks in life and face that. I really beleive that it becomes a chemical thing, that he trained his brain for soo long to depend on that bs to "make" him happy, less stressed, cope etc..... I(that's my little summary!). When I go through these posts I see others' exp. and see how they feel, and I felt a lot of the same feelings as well.Your neighbor...... Some times people don;t always realize how their "support" can come across, I am sure she also struggled emtionally before she left her ex's as well. At times what you see is not what is underneath, for some people. Have you seen your counsellor yet? OK, I'm really going on here........ Thanks for asking....... Dora
Dear Dora

Thanks for your kind words.

Its not that Im worried about my bf relapsing. I dont know its hard to explain how I feel. I know hes trying to get better and is going to his meetings and dropping his medication, so I know its gonna make him depressed and moody but when I get home from work and see him like that I just start to think how long have I got to keep going through all this. I want him happy and smiling like he was a week ago, we get on so well. I just dont know how to deal with it all I guess. I left him alone last night and then went to bed he was still up. When he came to bed he was talking about something on tv and woke me up, this bugged me as I have had so little sleep lately and I have to go to work while he hasnt been working since xmas. I bit my tongue but then when I asked him something he was really moody with his answer so I flipped and made him sleep in the living room. This morning said sorry but he said you know how Im gonna be and Im like yes but I cant cope with it! Im being really selfish and not understanding I just want things normal, guess Im starting to realise they never will be normal and I dont know if I can handle it. Every day I think about leaving and I know he feels the same but we dont really want to as we do love eachother but the stress is making us both miserable.

Anyway Im going to a friends on my own tonight for dinner and gonna go out and keep busy on the weekend give him space and see how it goes.

Perhaps I want to be able to help him but really I cant, maybe I even feel s*** that he can talk to other people at his meetings about problems but never to me. I feel like my place in our relationship is redundant! I dont even know if he really gives a s*** about me anymore!
Dora,

I did go to my appoinment but they asked for more money per session than I can afford right now so I will have to unfortunatly put it off until I get my tax return back and put that aside for the counseling as that is more important than buying new clothes! (thats my addiction)

I understand how hard it must be for you and all those thoughts you have about your late bf. It's so tragic how drugs took his life in the end. Just recently here in our city, a 19 year old girl was found dead, buried frozen in snow because she was a hooker to support her meth habit. She tried to get help so many times but always went back to that lifestyle because she couldn't get away from the drugs. Again, her family thought that she would overdose but she died more tragically because of the drugs.
I REALLY believe in an afterlife, have had many experiences, heard many from friends as well.

I worry about my bf overdosing but at the same time dying another way. He makes a lot of enemies because of his attitude especially while on drugs or coming down and he's going to pick a fight with the wrong person one day. Or he owes drug dealers money and who knows what they'll do? (Of course his mom bails him out and pays his debt most of the time). They phone my house looking for him but I tell them off and threaten them.
I'm just not ready to go through the grieving process again, after my ex of ten years and I broke up I grieved for almost two years, for the first year I barely functioned, was on antidepressants and thought I'd never get over it. I only found happiness again when I met my addict until I found out about his addiction and then it all went to s***!
I hate drug addictions too, I love my bf but I hate his disease. One big reason why I also hate drugs is because my brothers roommate, who I also knew, well her boyfriend who was a drug addict and alcoholic killed her while high and drunk. It was so devastating, she was such a nice girl and they just had a baby together.
Anyways Dora, I admire you for coming on here and helping others even while you're going through a tough time, you've helped me so many times you wouldn't even believe!
Helena,

How did supper with your friend go? Its funny, my bf slept on the couch last night as well. Well I asked him a simple question, if he was coming over friday night (tonight now) and he said only if you don't act like a b*****. Of course that started a little tiff! I said, ummm hello! I only act like a b**** when you provoke me!
So I went to bed and I fell asleep and he decided (just like your bf) to wake me up because he was bored and wanted to come into the room to get the cat. Ya right. So I made him sleep on the couch. I mean 5:30 am comes early!

I know what you mean about trying really hard to get along with them but sometimes its hard, theres sometimes tension and I don't mean it to be there but I think a lot of it has to do with not being able to forget what he's put me through with his addiction you know? Its like Dora said though, just go out with friends even if you don't want to and move on with your life. We shouldn't wrap ourselves around them and there disease or we will drive ourselves crazy!
Sometimes when I go out with friends, I pray to God I meet someone else that strikes my interest. Then my bf would be a goner!
Dear Helena, As he changes so will your relationship. It is probably hard for him to talk with you as you two are very close, not an excuse. What you want will take time.... The only advice I can give you is too seek help out help for yourself, there's no easy answers or manual..... Dora
Dear Kittycat, This board helped me while my late bf was alive and still does, helps me understand addiction better, as well as chnges I'll need to make personally as I move through my grief. Your story of the aquaintance was really trajic and scary. I never knew drugs can make somebody lose it like that, now I know, more than I want to know........ My late bf was really the first exp. I had ever in knowing someone with H addiction, it's changed my life forever and I wish it had a different ending.