Hello ,I`m new to this board/site.Already I feel like I`m not alone anymore ,so ,for that ,everybody ,thankyou.
I`m in a real dilemma.I have an adult "child" living at home (late 20s).she left her job because she was miserable ,and they weren`t treating her right.The understanding was she would look for something else.I`ve supported my daughter ,in every way for 28 years.
When I found out she was back on pill addiction (this happened before ,10 yrs ago ,when we lost her father and mine ,and my mum was very ill).My daughter ,despite being brought up with love support encouragement etc ,believe in herself ,cannot cope with any crisis.
My mother was on a ventilator and she od ed on brufen ,meaning they admitted her into hospital.ONLY ,and ,ONLY due to what was happening ,they kept her in.A WEEK!!!
In despair I finally took her to my gp ,who ,unbeknowing to me ,was experienced in this and other addictions.He gave her intense therapy and methadone (daily) to get her off everything.
Now ,we are back to square one.I feel totally helpless and useless.I can`t throw her out ,she`s not working ,and is under a team (sounds great ,but I feel their babying her:(...Anyhow ,we`re back at the process as before ,just praying this time it`ll work.
I worry she`ll waste her life ,and ,not being in great health myself and with an elderly mum who needs me ,can`t watch her 24/7. In any case ,I`m sure most of you understand just how devious they can be.
I`ve heard on many threads about detatching with love.How can we do this when she`s still under my roof? Any suggestions will be so gratefully received.If anyone is in a similar situation ,how did you set guidelines.I don`t feel as if I`m dealing with MY girl right now.
The sweet kind loving girl is nasty ,says some really spitefull things.I`m at my wits end ,and my health is taking the toll.
Thanks so much for just letting me vent.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Relapse is never easy and from what you wrote your daughter was in recovery for almost 10 years. Whether relapse happens after a month, a year or a decade, it is never easy.
You asked how to detatch when your daughter is under your roof. It isn't easy, bt it is possible.
First of all, relapse or not, she is an almost 30 year old woman. She needs to leaarn to stand on her own two feet. It is not your job to take care of her, house her or feed her. It is really hard to give up those type of enabling behaviors, but every time you do something for an addict that they should be doing fo themselves, you make it easier for them to continue in their addiction. Until respnsibilities are placed back where they belong (on her) you will continue to have this very unhealthy dynamic. She is no longer a child and you have to demand more of her..addiction or not.
You do NOT have to let her live with you. If she doesn't have a job she could stay with friends, go to a homeless shelter or sober living. She isn't entitled to live with you just because she is your daughter. You said she is nasty and disrespectful. That is unacceptable behavior for a grown woman living under your roof!
The first thing I would do is put her on notice! She has two weeks to find employment and 30 days to find a new place to live. If she disrespects you, is rude or uses in the house, she will have to eave immediately! Be prepared to foloow through! If you do not, she will forever know she can get what she needs and take no responsibility for herself!
I am an addict in long term recovery and I have personally experienced my family drawing their line in the sand. I had to learn the hard way that my responsibilities were mine alone. No one was going to live my life for me anymore. It took my family over a year of holding their bottom line before I reached for recovery. While their enabling was in no way the cause of my addiction, it allowed my illness to overtake their lives...that isn't healthy or fair!
Even when our kids are little (I am a mom, too!) it is so important to teach our kids autonomy and responsibility. That will not stop addiction from developing, but it will make your relationship healthier. Mom's need to take care of themselves and have a life outside of their children...if that didn't happen in their childhood, then start now!
Just remember...you are your child's (even adult child's) mother, not her friend. Our kids need friends who our their peers...not us. Our role isn't friend, it is mentor and teacher!
Anyway, even though you are no doubt worried about her, take time for you. Go out with friends, go shopping, get your hair done...do not stop living your life. It is up to your daughter to climb out of this..you can be her cheerleader, but you can't do it for her.
There is an older book called Co-dependent No More. It's an oldie but a goodie and I highly recommend reading it. There are some great things to read on this site. Type into the search box "let me fall all by myself" and "what not to do". They will give you a crash corse to stop the chaos! Hang in there! We are here for you!
You asked how to detatch when your daughter is under your roof. It isn't easy, bt it is possible.
First of all, relapse or not, she is an almost 30 year old woman. She needs to leaarn to stand on her own two feet. It is not your job to take care of her, house her or feed her. It is really hard to give up those type of enabling behaviors, but every time you do something for an addict that they should be doing fo themselves, you make it easier for them to continue in their addiction. Until respnsibilities are placed back where they belong (on her) you will continue to have this very unhealthy dynamic. She is no longer a child and you have to demand more of her..addiction or not.
You do NOT have to let her live with you. If she doesn't have a job she could stay with friends, go to a homeless shelter or sober living. She isn't entitled to live with you just because she is your daughter. You said she is nasty and disrespectful. That is unacceptable behavior for a grown woman living under your roof!
The first thing I would do is put her on notice! She has two weeks to find employment and 30 days to find a new place to live. If she disrespects you, is rude or uses in the house, she will have to eave immediately! Be prepared to foloow through! If you do not, she will forever know she can get what she needs and take no responsibility for herself!
I am an addict in long term recovery and I have personally experienced my family drawing their line in the sand. I had to learn the hard way that my responsibilities were mine alone. No one was going to live my life for me anymore. It took my family over a year of holding their bottom line before I reached for recovery. While their enabling was in no way the cause of my addiction, it allowed my illness to overtake their lives...that isn't healthy or fair!
Even when our kids are little (I am a mom, too!) it is so important to teach our kids autonomy and responsibility. That will not stop addiction from developing, but it will make your relationship healthier. Mom's need to take care of themselves and have a life outside of their children...if that didn't happen in their childhood, then start now!
Just remember...you are your child's (even adult child's) mother, not her friend. Our kids need friends who our their peers...not us. Our role isn't friend, it is mentor and teacher!
Anyway, even though you are no doubt worried about her, take time for you. Go out with friends, go shopping, get your hair done...do not stop living your life. It is up to your daughter to climb out of this..you can be her cheerleader, but you can't do it for her.
There is an older book called Co-dependent No More. It's an oldie but a goodie and I highly recommend reading it. There are some great things to read on this site. Type into the search box "let me fall all by myself" and "what not to do". They will give you a crash corse to stop the chaos! Hang in there! We are here for you!
I wouldn't let her live with me if that was my daughter. She needs to grow up. She needs to realize she is an adult and realize that hey sometimes it sucks being an adult. Tough love. She needs that.
Not everyone is going to like her at a job. I have had people not like me at jobs. I don't care. They aren't my boss and aren't paying me they can suck it.
She just needs some tough life lessons and no one to bail her out.
Not everyone is going to like her at a job. I have had people not like me at jobs. I don't care. They aren't my boss and aren't paying me they can suck it.
She just needs some tough life lessons and no one to bail her out.
Hoping2befree,
I completely understand your despair and worry about your daughter. My son was 20 years old, severely depressed, and suicidal. He lost his job and I just couldn't put him out on the streets because I was so worried about him and felt I needed to get him counseling and on antidepressants. At the time, I think I was in denial about the severity of his alcohol addiction. Unfortunately, he didn't follow any of our house rules - he continued to drink and smoke pot in the house and he was verbally abusive and disrespectful to me. Those were the conditions of him staying. Honestly, it wasn't easy getting him out of the house. It was really hard. I contacted his dad's family in another state and they were also concerned about his depression and took him in. I had high hopes at the time, but he's continued to spiral downhill ever since. He's now been kicked out of five homes in six months. As hard as it is, if you set boundaries or house rules, it's really important you follow through with what you say or your daughter will continue to take advantage. Addicts learn to manipulate very quickly and we, as parents, want to love our children to health. I learned the hard way I can't fix this. Thinking of you...
I completely understand your despair and worry about your daughter. My son was 20 years old, severely depressed, and suicidal. He lost his job and I just couldn't put him out on the streets because I was so worried about him and felt I needed to get him counseling and on antidepressants. At the time, I think I was in denial about the severity of his alcohol addiction. Unfortunately, he didn't follow any of our house rules - he continued to drink and smoke pot in the house and he was verbally abusive and disrespectful to me. Those were the conditions of him staying. Honestly, it wasn't easy getting him out of the house. It was really hard. I contacted his dad's family in another state and they were also concerned about his depression and took him in. I had high hopes at the time, but he's continued to spiral downhill ever since. He's now been kicked out of five homes in six months. As hard as it is, if you set boundaries or house rules, it's really important you follow through with what you say or your daughter will continue to take advantage. Addicts learn to manipulate very quickly and we, as parents, want to love our children to health. I learned the hard way I can't fix this. Thinking of you...
Just echoing everyone's comments. I just finished a 10 minute cry over my son. I put responsibility back on him, and he sent me a slew of horrible texts. I stood firm and felt good....then, pulled into my driveway and broke down crying. Why? Because it is abuse. I texted him back that I am blocking him for awhile because of the abusive texts. Before I could get him blocked, he apologized. I blocked him anyway.
A few months ago he never would have apologized. Because of this forum and support, I have been setting firm boundaries with him and he is slowly responding on some things. He is a minor so I can't kick him out...yet. He has been put on notice that he will do 4 things or he will not live with us past 18.
It is hell and this situation is draining, but we all need to learn to make them accountable. Also, I had to learn that just because he is my son, does NOT give him permission to verbally abuse me. Just because he may have a mental issue or autistic tendencies, does NOT give him permission to verbally abuse me. There is NO excuse for abusive, rude behavior. He has many unused resources to get his anger under control if he chooses.
In the past, he liked to go on and on about how it is not verbal abuse, it is because of something I did....I made him so mad, he had to say those things (Etc-relentless BS). I started hanging up or walking out when he started this talk. I gave myself permission to hang up on him if he was abusive and it felt GREAT. I matter, too. That is my new mantra. Of course, he was totally irate and gave me a speech about how a good mother would never hang up on her son. When it dived into nastiness, I hung up again.
Anyway, just wanted to also offer huge support to you. These are not easy situations and there are no real answers, just wading through trying to understand more about addictions and more about boundaries. We do the best we can. Go easy on yourself as you navigate.
Big hug to you and everyone here!
A few months ago he never would have apologized. Because of this forum and support, I have been setting firm boundaries with him and he is slowly responding on some things. He is a minor so I can't kick him out...yet. He has been put on notice that he will do 4 things or he will not live with us past 18.
It is hell and this situation is draining, but we all need to learn to make them accountable. Also, I had to learn that just because he is my son, does NOT give him permission to verbally abuse me. Just because he may have a mental issue or autistic tendencies, does NOT give him permission to verbally abuse me. There is NO excuse for abusive, rude behavior. He has many unused resources to get his anger under control if he chooses.
In the past, he liked to go on and on about how it is not verbal abuse, it is because of something I did....I made him so mad, he had to say those things (Etc-relentless BS). I started hanging up or walking out when he started this talk. I gave myself permission to hang up on him if he was abusive and it felt GREAT. I matter, too. That is my new mantra. Of course, he was totally irate and gave me a speech about how a good mother would never hang up on her son. When it dived into nastiness, I hung up again.
Anyway, just wanted to also offer huge support to you. These are not easy situations and there are no real answers, just wading through trying to understand more about addictions and more about boundaries. We do the best we can. Go easy on yourself as you navigate.
Big hug to you and everyone here!
Parenting--
Whoo hoo! Big hugs to you! You go girl! Look how far you have come and the positive changes that are happening!
Baby steps--but consistency will make a difference in the long run. Stay strong and you will be helping him more than you know!
I have zero tolerance anymore for my addicted son and he knows it. He still gives it a shot every month or two and it is always verbal abuse. I ignore it and block it. Only when he changes his life and stops the abuse and gets off drugs will he be allowed back in. It has been our "saving grace"!
My only regret is that I didn't find this forum sooner and make changes in myself and the way I enabled him.
Stay strong--I know he is a minor and that is tough but he will be 46 like my son one day and you don't want a 46 y/o addict --believe me!!!!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Whoo hoo! Big hugs to you! You go girl! Look how far you have come and the positive changes that are happening!
Baby steps--but consistency will make a difference in the long run. Stay strong and you will be helping him more than you know!
I have zero tolerance anymore for my addicted son and he knows it. He still gives it a shot every month or two and it is always verbal abuse. I ignore it and block it. Only when he changes his life and stops the abuse and gets off drugs will he be allowed back in. It has been our "saving grace"!
My only regret is that I didn't find this forum sooner and make changes in myself and the way I enabled him.
Stay strong--I know he is a minor and that is tough but he will be 46 like my son one day and you don't want a 46 y/o addict --believe me!!!!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Hi Five Parenting!
Perfect! You are doing the right thing!
I received 4 weeks notice that I will be loosing my job. Finally, I can use this as reason to stop giving him $. It is working so far. He partially paid a few of his bills this week. He is agreeable that he will deal w his bills. In one phone argument about his bank account, he exclaimed 'Then I will take care of it myself!" I said " Yes! I want you to take care of it yourself!" Then he calls to say his gf is having trouble logging into his account. lol. then, he calls to ask questions about his account.... (what does this mean, how to do that...) etc.... I'm over it..... This week he called my office phone twice. He did not leave message. I was out of the office when he called. he did not text me. I did not call him back at all. I am creating distance. He only calls me about money issues and bank account problems.... I am not going to participate. I'm not the bank. He can call the bank and ask questions! lol!
Good Job Everyone!
Perfect! You are doing the right thing!
I received 4 weeks notice that I will be loosing my job. Finally, I can use this as reason to stop giving him $. It is working so far. He partially paid a few of his bills this week. He is agreeable that he will deal w his bills. In one phone argument about his bank account, he exclaimed 'Then I will take care of it myself!" I said " Yes! I want you to take care of it yourself!" Then he calls to say his gf is having trouble logging into his account. lol. then, he calls to ask questions about his account.... (what does this mean, how to do that...) etc.... I'm over it..... This week he called my office phone twice. He did not leave message. I was out of the office when he called. he did not text me. I did not call him back at all. I am creating distance. He only calls me about money issues and bank account problems.... I am not going to participate. I'm not the bank. He can call the bank and ask questions! lol!
Good Job Everyone!
Thanks so much!!!! Seriously, you guys make me smile.
I have come a long way! And, I keep learning and trying.
Thanks again. High fives back.
I have come a long way! And, I keep learning and trying.
Thanks again. High fives back.
