hello, never been on before, but, just need to sit down and try to think calmly. I
am living with my husband who is addicted to crack and decided to go stay gone all day and still out. He dropped of our son 14, at school this morning and haven't seen him since. I'm angry he has cash that he'll spend, that we can't afford, he's in my truck and I'm trying really hard to accept that it's a addiction, but surely, theres one moment of clarity, when it's not too late, to decide to make a different choice, what is it getting him, in the long run. He knows what the decision is going to do to everything.
laura, thanks for posting. there are others that visit this site that have been in your situation and will listen. please feel free to draw strength from them.
Laura,
Your situation is very serious. Your husband's problem is even worse. I have witnessed this same situation in hundreds of cases over the years.. From what other therapists tell me, there must be thousands of men and women who are going through what you describe.
What I am going to tell you is not pleasant, and I will make no effort to sugar coat the facts as I know them.
From a financial standpoint: Do you know the police have the legal right to impoundand KEEPyour truck if he is caught in it during a drug deal? One call to the authorities will confirm what I just told you.. Even though you had no part in the felony, you lose. Police confiscation does not relieve you of the obligation to repay any loan you may have on the truck.
That's just the beginning of what will become a terrible nightmare, if he continues to use drugs. Every active addict I ever knew sooner or later steals from his family (including kids savings, education funds, etc.), they steal from their friends, relatives, and employers. Eventually they steal from strangers..
I have seen many cases where all the furniture in a home is sold to a drug dealer, or others, for a small fraction of the actual worth. I am not trying to scare' you, just give you accurate, and routine' information.
There are many sources on the web about the health damage experienced by every addict, sooner or later. The disease of addiction tells the addict he or she is NOT sick, and so they remain in constant denial. They assure themselves, and others, they can stop any time I want. It's a lie, and they do not know, in the beginning, they are lying.
In more than thirty years I have NEVER known one case where an active addict successfully stopped using drugs or alcohol without constant, ongoing professional help.
As it stands, in my opinion and experience, even those in hospitals, rehabilitation centers and other programs face terrible odds against getting clean and sober. I believe that about nine out of ten who attempt to stop are unsuccessful.
I regret telling you this during all the turmoil you are already experiencing in your life.
Perhaps it will point out the urgency of getting help for your husband as quickly as possible.
I must warn you denial is a two way street. Usually the spouse says things to herself and others on the order of He's not THAT bad, yet,. Because we love them, we believe we, or our families, can convince' them to stop. You have probably tried to do this already. It almost never works.
Look at him, and what he is doing. Is this the SAME man you first knew, and loved, and married? Probably not.
Please tell your husband, when he is NOT high, he must get help. And he must get it immediately, or get out of your life.
This sounds horrible, and cruel. It may be the thing that saves his life, and your sanity.
Help is available, free if you do not have insurance, or can not afford to pay. Your local hospital has information, and there are listings in the Human Services section in the back of your telephone book.
Your community may have a local A.A. or N.N. group. They will be in the phone book also. Their help is free, confidential, and right from people who are fighting the disease of addiction on a daily basis. Al Anon is a group of spouses and friends of addicts, and they can and will give you help and suggestions.
I strongly urge you to be firm, and act as quickly as possible. You have everything to gain.
Your situation is very serious. Your husband's problem is even worse. I have witnessed this same situation in hundreds of cases over the years.. From what other therapists tell me, there must be thousands of men and women who are going through what you describe.
What I am going to tell you is not pleasant, and I will make no effort to sugar coat the facts as I know them.
From a financial standpoint: Do you know the police have the legal right to impoundand KEEPyour truck if he is caught in it during a drug deal? One call to the authorities will confirm what I just told you.. Even though you had no part in the felony, you lose. Police confiscation does not relieve you of the obligation to repay any loan you may have on the truck.
That's just the beginning of what will become a terrible nightmare, if he continues to use drugs. Every active addict I ever knew sooner or later steals from his family (including kids savings, education funds, etc.), they steal from their friends, relatives, and employers. Eventually they steal from strangers..
I have seen many cases where all the furniture in a home is sold to a drug dealer, or others, for a small fraction of the actual worth. I am not trying to scare' you, just give you accurate, and routine' information.
There are many sources on the web about the health damage experienced by every addict, sooner or later. The disease of addiction tells the addict he or she is NOT sick, and so they remain in constant denial. They assure themselves, and others, they can stop any time I want. It's a lie, and they do not know, in the beginning, they are lying.
In more than thirty years I have NEVER known one case where an active addict successfully stopped using drugs or alcohol without constant, ongoing professional help.
As it stands, in my opinion and experience, even those in hospitals, rehabilitation centers and other programs face terrible odds against getting clean and sober. I believe that about nine out of ten who attempt to stop are unsuccessful.
I regret telling you this during all the turmoil you are already experiencing in your life.
Perhaps it will point out the urgency of getting help for your husband as quickly as possible.
I must warn you denial is a two way street. Usually the spouse says things to herself and others on the order of He's not THAT bad, yet,. Because we love them, we believe we, or our families, can convince' them to stop. You have probably tried to do this already. It almost never works.
Look at him, and what he is doing. Is this the SAME man you first knew, and loved, and married? Probably not.
Please tell your husband, when he is NOT high, he must get help. And he must get it immediately, or get out of your life.
This sounds horrible, and cruel. It may be the thing that saves his life, and your sanity.
Help is available, free if you do not have insurance, or can not afford to pay. Your local hospital has information, and there are listings in the Human Services section in the back of your telephone book.
Your community may have a local A.A. or N.N. group. They will be in the phone book also. Their help is free, confidential, and right from people who are fighting the disease of addiction on a daily basis. Al Anon is a group of spouses and friends of addicts, and they can and will give you help and suggestions.
I strongly urge you to be firm, and act as quickly as possible. You have everything to gain.
My son has been a heroin addict for nearly ten years. He is 33 years old. I have just had my 50th birthday, i told him if god offered me the last ten years over i would refuse. We love him dearly and this is why we have put up with him for so long. He has stolen my jewelry,money,ornements that he knew were precious to me, he has stolen money from his father. He has broken into our shed and stole garden equipment. He attempted to break into our home. He has sold every thing he ever owned, and he is in twenty thousand pounds worth of debt. My other son and daughter will not let my grandchildren stay with us and i cant blame them. I have suffered two nervous breakdowns and some days i pray for god to take me .I have also prayed for god to take my son to put him and us out of this misery.Every detox and there has been lots has failed. I know there is no cure out there, the addict will drag you down, no matter how much you love them they have only one love and that is heroin. I have known a young girl to sell her child to get her next fix.I would advise any one get away from them as far as you can. They are no longer the same person. The best way i can describe is the devil has them. Save yourself and your children and go.
I feel i have to write again after reading through so many pages. Ihave learned a lot this evening. First i have i think learned to let go of my son a little, yes i thought i could make every thing right. He has now had to leave the family home for the umpteenth time. I always think if i feed him and let him back to bath and get him clean cloths he will realise what he is losing and stop taking heroin. i now know this is a usless thing to do. I hope god gives me the strength to go through with the tough love that every one is talking about. My husband has told me this for years and i didnt listen, now i know i am contributing to my sons habit.I know it is going to be so hard to say to him stay away till you help yourself. What i really want to do is hold him and tell him how much i love him and miss him. Ten years is a long time but i have not forgot the son i had.
He was the most loving, kindest polite young man any one could meet. Any one in the family that needed help he was there. Twelve years ago my sister had a brain operation and he looked after her children while she recovered. He often stayed with his grandmother just to keep her company, then two years ago she was diagnosed with cancer, even though he was heavily into drugs he helped nurse her till she died. Any baby sitting, decorating any thing any of the family wanted he did it. He was the best dressed lad in the village and every one had a good word for him. He could sing too. Any time he was out for a drink he would get up and sing, he sang at his sisters wedding. I want my son back, and if it takes the tough love to get him then please god give me the strenghth to do it.
thank you every one for letting me babble on. and please pray for my son john
He was the most loving, kindest polite young man any one could meet. Any one in the family that needed help he was there. Twelve years ago my sister had a brain operation and he looked after her children while she recovered. He often stayed with his grandmother just to keep her company, then two years ago she was diagnosed with cancer, even though he was heavily into drugs he helped nurse her till she died. Any baby sitting, decorating any thing any of the family wanted he did it. He was the best dressed lad in the village and every one had a good word for him. He could sing too. Any time he was out for a drink he would get up and sing, he sang at his sisters wedding. I want my son back, and if it takes the tough love to get him then please god give me the strenghth to do it.
thank you every one for letting me babble on. and please pray for my son john
Dear Eleanor,
I will most definitely pray for John to get the strength to break free of this evil drug that has a hold of him! Please pray for my son Harry to stay strong and not go back to using. He is on suboxone which seems to be helping the craving. He detoxed in prison, which wasn't my choice for him. God bless!
Susan
I will most definitely pray for John to get the strength to break free of this evil drug that has a hold of him! Please pray for my son Harry to stay strong and not go back to using. He is on suboxone which seems to be helping the craving. He detoxed in prison, which wasn't my choice for him. God bless!
Susan
Dear Guest and Eleanor,
Kittycat suggested I read this post thread and she was absolutely right. It has been tremendously helpful. I am struggling with tough love for my addict. I moved out, but definitely have not moved on. There is an excellent article that was provided to me, well worth the read, if you go back and look what Bob B posted in "husband relapsed, help". Hope this helps you as it helped me.
Wishing you all the best, and prayers for your addicts.
Kittycat suggested I read this post thread and she was absolutely right. It has been tremendously helpful. I am struggling with tough love for my addict. I moved out, but definitely have not moved on. There is an excellent article that was provided to me, well worth the read, if you go back and look what Bob B posted in "husband relapsed, help". Hope this helps you as it helped me.
Wishing you all the best, and prayers for your addicts.
hi and good evening to everyone, have read all the responses and sure do appreciate all the feedback, the last couple of days have been the same old, same old,being angry , avoiding him as much as posible. I get tired of acting like everything is ok. been a hermit today and jusy lay and think for about 5 hours in my room, then got up and dishes to avoid them in the morning. we've also been thru numerous rehabs and just when i think theres no lower he can go, my goodness what a ingenius addict he is too bad this isn't used to further his recovery. i don't think he wants to quit, his excuse is he hates the meetings, blah, blah, blah, he can do it himself, right...I'm so sorry for the pain that we all go thru w/ur loved ones, sometimes i think i'm as sick as him for putting up w. all the crap, but i guess i have my reasons, though they are getting to be not as importnat as i thought.
Laura,
I know, my bf also says he can quit on his own. Ya right, thats their way of shutting us up because really, they don't want to quit. They love the drug too much to give up it up just yet. On the crack/cocaine forum I asked one of the recovering addicts on there (Post called To Anniesdad) and since he's a recoverying crack addict he finally hit his rock bottom when his (I believe his wife or girlfriend, can't remember) left him. I asked him what was going on in his head when he was actively using and what she could've done to help him hit his bottom faster and he responded honestly, really helped.
If you want to read the post just click on the 'main categories' on top here and go to the crack/cocaine forum.
I know, my bf also says he can quit on his own. Ya right, thats their way of shutting us up because really, they don't want to quit. They love the drug too much to give up it up just yet. On the crack/cocaine forum I asked one of the recovering addicts on there (Post called To Anniesdad) and since he's a recoverying crack addict he finally hit his rock bottom when his (I believe his wife or girlfriend, can't remember) left him. I asked him what was going on in his head when he was actively using and what she could've done to help him hit his bottom faster and he responded honestly, really helped.
If you want to read the post just click on the 'main categories' on top here and go to the crack/cocaine forum.