How in the world do you let go of what you cannot control?
I never talk about these things on the board, but I feel like I need some input or advice if I am ever to move forward with my "issues". (and I have plenty of them)
AIDS slapped my family in the face in 1994. My mother whom had only been with 3 men in her life, was diagnosed when her partner became ill with phnemonia, and test were run. She was soon after diagnosed as HIV positive.
All my life she was all I had. Not just my Mom, she was so young, that we were more like friends.
I noticed around the time I was 17 or so she was acting strange and then it progressed from there. She finally told us around 5 years later when her partner was on his death bed, and hospice instructed her to tell the truth. She had before then told us he had cancer. He died a couple of days later from Non Hodgkins Lymphomia of the Brain related to a weakend Immune System.
Why do I feel responsible for this? I guess because she left my steph-dad who did alot of horrible things because of me. If it werent for that, she would of never met the man that infected her, right?
It has always been just me and my mom and two sisters. We have lost all contact with aunts uncles and all other family.
I am scared. So so scared. She has had this disease for something like 14 years, and it is beginning to make its appearance known.
We went to the Riverboat together, for a girls day a month ago, and I started to catch a cold that day, ended up with Bronchitis.......Well because she had been around me, She caught it and ended up with full blown Phnemonia. I cannot explain how bad I feel for that. She is recovered-recovering now, but my god I feel just sick about it.
I think I am mad at the world, I dont hardly trust anyone anymore, very few at least. I many times feel like if it could of only been me, I would gladly take her place.
She fought her whole life through horrible BS and now this. It seems so unfair.
I refuse to make her feel like a leapor as well, I drink and eat after her as I am very educated to AIDS and how it is transmitted, and know I am at no risk.
I just recently found out her T-cells last year were down to the AIDS level. Below 300 I believe it is. Hers were below 200, well below.
To say I will fall apart is an understatement if I lose her. I stood by her side when her partner died. He was a great guy too, didnt know he had the disease, and I then learned there is no stereotype to this disease.
I just feel as if there is a black cloud of sorts hanging over me, ready to let loose at any minute.
A waiting game, the clock ticking away........
Time is the enemy with something like this.
I know I am young, and have my life ahead of me, but I just dont know, dosent feel that way. Hard to explain.
Always I have sworn I wouldnt post about this, but I am not emberassed........I love my mom with all my heart, and am not emberassed. Anyone who would judge me over this, I dont need anyway.
I just want to know how do you continue, how do you trust there is still good in this life?
I feel as if this does contribute to my addiction in some ways, as I worry and the pain of it is unbearable at times, others I just try to not think of it. Especially around her.
Thanks for listening.
edit to add: From this I did learn it can happen to anyone. My mom had a great job, as was the man she was infected by, Good educations..........You just never know. I have lost all Stereotypical thoughts since this happened, for sure.
jodi..........
i love u.
i am so sorry...
i will be saying a prayer for your mom and you to honey.............
God Bless you sweetheart.......
no one would ever judge you or your mom,
as a nurse i definatly know and understand that HIV can effect anyone...
**big gentle hug for you honey**
thumper
i love u.
i am so sorry...
i will be saying a prayer for your mom and you to honey.............
God Bless you sweetheart.......
no one would ever judge you or your mom,
as a nurse i definatly know and understand that HIV can effect anyone...
**big gentle hug for you honey**
thumper
Thumps........
Thank you so much, I am feeling a bit fragile tonight, and leave it to you to sense that.
You are so sweet and thoughtful and just made me feel better.
Love you to peices girl and Thank you so.
Thank you so much, I am feeling a bit fragile tonight, and leave it to you to sense that.
You are so sweet and thoughtful and just made me feel better.
Love you to peices girl and Thank you so.
Java, I am so sorry to hear that. (I hate that line, but can't think of anything better.)
Our moms are so precious to us and I am sorry you have to go through this. The only thing I can think of is to love her while she is still here and let her know how much you care.
I lost my mom and it still hurts. She had cancer and died awfully fast.
The only solitude I have is that I know she isn't suffering, and if/when your mom does go, she will be in a better place. I just believe that.
Do you have someone proffesional you can talk to about this? It might help.
Aids is nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to good people, just like addiction.
Our moms are so precious to us and I am sorry you have to go through this. The only thing I can think of is to love her while she is still here and let her know how much you care.
I lost my mom and it still hurts. She had cancer and died awfully fast.
The only solitude I have is that I know she isn't suffering, and if/when your mom does go, she will be in a better place. I just believe that.
Do you have someone proffesional you can talk to about this? It might help.
Aids is nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to good people, just like addiction.
L. Beach.......
I didnt realize you lost your mother, I am sorry. My god that is such a frightening thought.
As time goes by, I know the day is getting closer. I sometimes hate for days to go by, as I know that the clock is ticking, and damn it I want to stop time. She has her bloodwork drawn every 3-6 months and her T-cells seem to be deteriorating alot lately.
I am not one to blubber in my misfortune but this one does suck, My dad is deadbeat, and so I have always had her to count on. To lose her, Oh my god.
Is there anyway sometime you could email me, I think I or we could benefit by talking on this. I know you never get over such a thing, but would like to know how you coped, and at least stayed sane.
You are one hell of a woman, I mean it.
My email is Javagirl1976@hotmail.com
Love and Hugs.
I didnt realize you lost your mother, I am sorry. My god that is such a frightening thought.
As time goes by, I know the day is getting closer. I sometimes hate for days to go by, as I know that the clock is ticking, and damn it I want to stop time. She has her bloodwork drawn every 3-6 months and her T-cells seem to be deteriorating alot lately.
I am not one to blubber in my misfortune but this one does suck, My dad is deadbeat, and so I have always had her to count on. To lose her, Oh my god.
Is there anyway sometime you could email me, I think I or we could benefit by talking on this. I know you never get over such a thing, but would like to know how you coped, and at least stayed sane.
You are one hell of a woman, I mean it.
My email is Javagirl1976@hotmail.com
Love and Hugs.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
I know life just seems so unfair at times. Bad things happen to good people. I love my mother so much, I don't know what I would do without her.
I can't imagine how you feel. I can't change anything. I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking and praying for you.
I don't think you can ever get over your parent(s) dying, even if it is expected. Spend as much time as you can with her.
I know life just seems so unfair at times. Bad things happen to good people. I love my mother so much, I don't know what I would do without her.
I can't imagine how you feel. I can't change anything. I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking and praying for you.
I don't think you can ever get over your parent(s) dying, even if it is expected. Spend as much time as you can with her.
Jodi...honey I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I have been talking about my own mother today that passed away when I was 12 years old.
Be very grateful for all that you have right now with your Mom...she has experienced the joy of your kids and was there and will be there for so many more milestones in all your lives.
Treasure those days that are yet to come and don't worry about the future...you have today...you can hold her and hug her....embrace that and enjoy every waking moment.
My heart goes out to your family and you. Watching someone suffer with health issues is never fun. God bless you!
Be very grateful for all that you have right now with your Mom...she has experienced the joy of your kids and was there and will be there for so many more milestones in all your lives.
Treasure those days that are yet to come and don't worry about the future...you have today...you can hold her and hug her....embrace that and enjoy every waking moment.
My heart goes out to your family and you. Watching someone suffer with health issues is never fun. God bless you!
Steph!!!
So good to hear from you girley.
How you feeling?
I wanted you to know last week I was thinking of you, last week I know things were tough. I sent a message with Thumps to let you know you were in my thoughts. She is such a great friend to you and was concerned.
Thank you for your sweet words, I am just feeling a little funny tonight about everything. It hurts I guess.
Let me know how you are, and can I get your addy again, I am so forgetful, I will add you to my addy book this time.
Love you.
So good to hear from you girley.
How you feeling?
I wanted you to know last week I was thinking of you, last week I know things were tough. I sent a message with Thumps to let you know you were in my thoughts. She is such a great friend to you and was concerned.
Thank you for your sweet words, I am just feeling a little funny tonight about everything. It hurts I guess.
Let me know how you are, and can I get your addy again, I am so forgetful, I will add you to my addy book this time.
Love you.
Kee Kee-
Great words of wisdom there..............You are so so right.
I need to focus on now not later........I have tried to many times but always find my mind shifting to the "what if"s " or the "when"
You are right.........
God girl you are full of all the good advice, and so sweet, Is why I love ya.
Hugs.
Great words of wisdom there..............You are so so right.
I need to focus on now not later........I have tried to many times but always find my mind shifting to the "what if"s " or the "when"
You are right.........
God girl you are full of all the good advice, and so sweet, Is why I love ya.
Hugs.
Awwwweee thank you sweetheart! I just want you to enjoy your Mom....you are so lucky! What a caring and loving daughter you are...how lucky are you both.
You cannot control that what you cannot see.....what you can see is yours! big ole hugs.....XOXOXOXOXOX
You cannot control that what you cannot see.....what you can see is yours! big ole hugs.....XOXOXOXOXOX
i was telling sweetpea between reading about kee kee's mom, kerry's mom and your mom Java.........
it makes me think about my own moma..........
i totally understand you java, this topic is so close to my heart
because i love my mom so deeply.......
more than anything in this world.........
i just have so much emotion and feel tears in my eyes...........
i am so glad that kee kee came and posted here to you, because that was very good advice.........
enjoy your mom, java.......i sit here and the tears are comming out now, because life is short and its so important to live each day with giving love and forgiving quickly..........
the info here about your mom is really sinking into my heart and i cant imagion what goes through your mind java...........this is alot
if there is anything i can do to help you or just be a friend , it would be my pleaseure.........
you have my email...did you get my picture i sent to you...?
your not alone java ........as daughters we understand the love and concern you have inside your heart ...
love you
thumper
it makes me think about my own moma..........
i totally understand you java, this topic is so close to my heart
because i love my mom so deeply.......
more than anything in this world.........
i just have so much emotion and feel tears in my eyes...........
i am so glad that kee kee came and posted here to you, because that was very good advice.........
enjoy your mom, java.......i sit here and the tears are comming out now, because life is short and its so important to live each day with giving love and forgiving quickly..........
the info here about your mom is really sinking into my heart and i cant imagion what goes through your mind java...........this is alot
if there is anything i can do to help you or just be a friend , it would be my pleaseure.........
you have my email...did you get my picture i sent to you...?
your not alone java ........as daughters we understand the love and concern you have inside your heart ...
love you
thumper
java
i am so sorry to hear about your mom, YOU are such as good person and i can feel that thru your posting here.
this must be tearing you apart holding in all this pain, it is a good thing you got this off your chest. you cannot blame yourself... addiction is a disease we cannot control or magically make go away,
if there was anything you feel guilty about just calm yourself and blame it on the addiction, it was your disease acting out.
all of you have wonderful relationships with your moms, i wish i could say the same, my mom and dad and siblings are all estranged as i let out all my pain to my family as i walk this road of recovery.my reward for doing so upset my family as i confronted them and there response to me was to ignore me and my pain as i was trying to release it and set boundaries with them to stay healthy. ,my mom and dad will go to their graves without making peace with me, thats how they are very manipulative and hard hearted
my counselor constantly has to counsel me that its not my fault and to stop feeling guilty.
Father in heaven please comfort jodi right now and relieve her of any guilt feelings she is having concerning her mom and her mom's health. help jodi to understand that she can always come to you thru prayer when she is feeling this way and thru your loving grace will comfort her, please heal jodi's mom of her health issues and may they have many wonderful years together.allow jodi to feel the good person that she is, in your sons name i pray, amen.
i am so sorry to hear about your mom, YOU are such as good person and i can feel that thru your posting here.
this must be tearing you apart holding in all this pain, it is a good thing you got this off your chest. you cannot blame yourself... addiction is a disease we cannot control or magically make go away,
if there was anything you feel guilty about just calm yourself and blame it on the addiction, it was your disease acting out.
all of you have wonderful relationships with your moms, i wish i could say the same, my mom and dad and siblings are all estranged as i let out all my pain to my family as i walk this road of recovery.my reward for doing so upset my family as i confronted them and there response to me was to ignore me and my pain as i was trying to release it and set boundaries with them to stay healthy. ,my mom and dad will go to their graves without making peace with me, thats how they are very manipulative and hard hearted
my counselor constantly has to counsel me that its not my fault and to stop feeling guilty.
Father in heaven please comfort jodi right now and relieve her of any guilt feelings she is having concerning her mom and her mom's health. help jodi to understand that she can always come to you thru prayer when she is feeling this way and thru your loving grace will comfort her, please heal jodi's mom of her health issues and may they have many wonderful years together.allow jodi to feel the good person that she is, in your sons name i pray, amen.
Hey JodyJavaAngelGirl:
You are so right about the "no" stereotypes in AIDS. My husband shares your situation. He is very close to his mother as well.
She is amazing. 15 years since diagnosis, she has battled the initial lymphoma, lost most of two vertabrae to that, yet has graduated "swords" in Tai Chi, later battled breast cancer, and her disease is basically undetectable. She splits her time between Tai Chi and volunteering for an organization that assists children with parents in prison.
I understand how you feel about the clock ticking. Honey, it is ticking for all of us. You know, your mother could out live you, me, all of us...as could my husband's mother. None of us are guaranteed anything beyond the now. Drink up the now.
It is hard, I know, and you have fear about what the world will look like without your mother in it...I understand that. I think you should be very honored to be her daughter. The place she occupies, with respect to educating the world about this disease is a very distinct one. People like your mother, and my mother in law, their lives serve a greater purpose.
In the bigger picture, I do believe that you and your mother, just like me and my father, are linked forever...regardless of our status in this life. I hear from my father almost daily...those gentle moments are what keep my hope alive.
I am proud of you for sharing...you are a good daughter, and I know she is proud of you.
Love...peace.
Sarah
You are so right about the "no" stereotypes in AIDS. My husband shares your situation. He is very close to his mother as well.
She is amazing. 15 years since diagnosis, she has battled the initial lymphoma, lost most of two vertabrae to that, yet has graduated "swords" in Tai Chi, later battled breast cancer, and her disease is basically undetectable. She splits her time between Tai Chi and volunteering for an organization that assists children with parents in prison.
I understand how you feel about the clock ticking. Honey, it is ticking for all of us. You know, your mother could out live you, me, all of us...as could my husband's mother. None of us are guaranteed anything beyond the now. Drink up the now.
It is hard, I know, and you have fear about what the world will look like without your mother in it...I understand that. I think you should be very honored to be her daughter. The place she occupies, with respect to educating the world about this disease is a very distinct one. People like your mother, and my mother in law, their lives serve a greater purpose.
In the bigger picture, I do believe that you and your mother, just like me and my father, are linked forever...regardless of our status in this life. I hear from my father almost daily...those gentle moments are what keep my hope alive.
I am proud of you for sharing...you are a good daughter, and I know she is proud of you.
Love...peace.
Sarah
I don't have any great words of wisdom or comfort...I am just so sorry. Sorry for your mom, sorry for you. You have some time to prepare youself Jody, I know that it's not something you'll ever be ok with, but for your own sanity and the sake of your children, you can't fall apart to the point of screwing up your life. But you know that. Enjoy the time you have with her, that's all you can do right now. Take care, Lisa
Jodi
I don't even know what to say about such a complex thing.
I can't imagine having to go through that. I think every child, the older their parents get, become paranoid/ frightened about their mother especially may not always be there..
back to your original question.? How to let go?? I don't know. I wouldn't let go. I wouldn't know how.
Don't hold anything back, don't have regrets, say every single thing you need to say and whatever she needs to hear you say.
I'm sorry baby, I love you.
Stac
I don't even know what to say about such a complex thing.
I can't imagine having to go through that. I think every child, the older their parents get, become paranoid/ frightened about their mother especially may not always be there..
back to your original question.? How to let go?? I don't know. I wouldn't let go. I wouldn't know how.
Don't hold anything back, don't have regrets, say every single thing you need to say and whatever she needs to hear you say.
I'm sorry baby, I love you.
Stac
I just got back online and read the responses on this. All of you have no idea what comfort your words bring. It is amazing.
Part of me almost felt, What is the word, Emberassed maybe for typing all that out yesterday. But, I feel as if it has helped me in some sense to at least put my feelings down in writing for the first time.
I have never even discussed this with any of the counselors or when I was in rehab, I dont know why, but I havent.
I so badly want to look forward to my future, but most days I am full of fear inside, as her medical condition slowly deteriorates.
When her partner died he was down to about 69-70lbs, and I was there by my Mom's side helping her with him in her home (Hospice). I wanted to be there for her, but part of me wishes I had not seen it, as I feel like I have already seen what is to come for her.
She has been a great mother to me, and I love her with all my heart. Stood by me, when no one else did.
I just love her.
You all mean so much, Thank you to anyone who took the time to respond, I cant tell you what it means.
Thanks.
Part of me almost felt, What is the word, Emberassed maybe for typing all that out yesterday. But, I feel as if it has helped me in some sense to at least put my feelings down in writing for the first time.
I have never even discussed this with any of the counselors or when I was in rehab, I dont know why, but I havent.
I so badly want to look forward to my future, but most days I am full of fear inside, as her medical condition slowly deteriorates.
When her partner died he was down to about 69-70lbs, and I was there by my Mom's side helping her with him in her home (Hospice). I wanted to be there for her, but part of me wishes I had not seen it, as I feel like I have already seen what is to come for her.
She has been a great mother to me, and I love her with all my heart. Stood by me, when no one else did.
I just love her.
You all mean so much, Thank you to anyone who took the time to respond, I cant tell you what it means.
Thanks.
Sarah-
Wanted to also say,
I am so sorry for your Mother in law.......I really am.
Big Hugs.
Wanted to also say,
I am so sorry for your Mother in law.......I really am.
Big Hugs.
I am sorry to be responding to this so late but I just came on as I was at My Moms this weekend (or most of it). I meant to tell you I feel very much like you. My Mom who is my very best friend and I truly mean that. We do everything together I have friends but I usually call my Mom first if I want to go somewhere or if I need advice. most people can't relate to how close we are and that is ok as when I was younger I was a tough nut lol. Anyway she was diagnosed with lung cancer last May. I have shed many tears over this and struggled with my beliefs surrounding it. But I will tell you this it has brought us even closer. I still believe she will be Ok but I want to make every moment count anyway, I just wish I could do that with all the people I Love in my life. I have said to my husband that I fear I will shrink away if she passes. Like you better call a hospital because I am going to need to be in there. I can't even begin to imagine life without her. My friends say but you have kids what about them. Yes I know it does not make sense but I just don't know emotionally how I will be able to go on. I almost feel like noone knows how bad it will be for"me" and I know that is selfish but I can't help feeling like that.
Just wanted to let you know I empathize with you
Roxy
Just wanted to let you know I empathize with you
Roxy
Java, I just saw this response. I will email you tonight. One thing we forget (I just realized this) is death is a 100% chance for all of us. We are all going to go.
That doesn't make it any easier. I think that rocked my boat harder than anything and I can so relate. Needless to say my addiction skyrocketed after that.
But you can deal sober. I promise. And staying in the now with her, and just being with her and creating memories will do you so much good. She will go to a much better place.
That doesn't make it any easier. I think that rocked my boat harder than anything and I can so relate. Needless to say my addiction skyrocketed after that.
But you can deal sober. I promise. And staying in the now with her, and just being with her and creating memories will do you so much good. She will go to a much better place.
thinking about you again sweet javajodi honey girl
(=*.*=) winnie says hi........
boy oh boy..............roxy.
i can relate to your post.....
i love my mom so much and i cant imagion life with out her..........
i know.....(here come the tears) i will never be the same and my life will never be the same........
i know life has to go on and i know my mom would want me to be strong and accept things and live a happy life..........
so each day i call my mom , ALOT
to say hi and i have taught her to get online and she uses a cell phone...
we use sometimes 1500-2000 minutes on our cell...a month
thank God it's free.........mobile to mobile.
i keep in very close contact with her..
i just adore her...
i am so glad that we can come here and dicuss how we feel about out mothers
and about our worst fear.......
so lets encourage ecah other to love alot each day and give everything we have with in us to our moms and to our families.................
and along with this ...to encourage one another to forgive easily.......
love, hope, forgiveness.......
loving others and our families......
being happy and spending time lifting our loved ones up...........
being an example in forgiving others and loving unconditional..........
(its not always easy)..but try..i try to...
pray to God when we are week and need help........
Turn to God when we worry about our moms, families and friends.......
God Bless you all......
thumper......
LIVE LIVE LIVE....give alot of hugs, kisses and love...........
(=*.*=) winnie says hi........
boy oh boy..............roxy.
i can relate to your post.....
i love my mom so much and i cant imagion life with out her..........
i know.....(here come the tears) i will never be the same and my life will never be the same........
i know life has to go on and i know my mom would want me to be strong and accept things and live a happy life..........
so each day i call my mom , ALOT
to say hi and i have taught her to get online and she uses a cell phone...
we use sometimes 1500-2000 minutes on our cell...a month
thank God it's free.........mobile to mobile.
i keep in very close contact with her..
i just adore her...
i am so glad that we can come here and dicuss how we feel about out mothers
and about our worst fear.......
so lets encourage ecah other to love alot each day and give everything we have with in us to our moms and to our families.................
and along with this ...to encourage one another to forgive easily.......
love, hope, forgiveness.......
loving others and our families......
being happy and spending time lifting our loved ones up...........
being an example in forgiving others and loving unconditional..........
(its not always easy)..but try..i try to...
pray to God when we are week and need help........
Turn to God when we worry about our moms, families and friends.......
God Bless you all......
thumper......
LIVE LIVE LIVE....give alot of hugs, kisses and love...........
