Hi, I have a very long story I will make as short as I can. I met a wonderful man about a year ago. He is smart, funny, sweet, handsome...I really believed I'd hit the jackpot. I'm 28 years old and I'm almost ready to take those real life steps. As the months went by I realized I had fallen in love with an addict. Fast forward...it's been he// and then it's been bliss. I'm wondering hot to deal with those situations where he comes home and I'm suspicious and very hurt, sad, angry, ugly crying everywhere and so on...
How do I resist all these negative emotions? How do I remember "he's sick?" We do drug tests in home very regularly and that does help but I'm referring more to how to resist ripping his head off with my bare hands AND loudly expressing that. I'm intense, there's no question but what do I do with all this anger? Any suggestions in changing it into support and positivity? I'm am not doing a good job at all....
Thank you!
Is he attending meetings? Is he in a recovery program?
Have you considered therapy for yourself? I think it would be a good option for you. I was in your shoes at one point in my life. Best thing I did for myself was find a therapists office that specialized in drug and addiction and I started seeing a therapist for myself. You often put so much time and energy into the addict that you neglect to take care of yourself and aren't seeing things so clearly through the flood of emotions you're dealing with. Take the time for yourself, go see a therapist that works with people with addictions. Seriously, best thing I ever did in the midst of my fiance's addiction and the ups and downs was continue to see my therapist. I didn't want to go initially but it was so good for me to keep my thoughts straight and to learn how to handle things.
Remember, you cannot control his addiction. His addiction is his and his alone. You can be a support, but you can't manage it. Years ago, in the midst of my fiance's wicked pill addiction when it had taken over his life, I tried to manage it. Every time he wanted to get clean, he'd buy a bunch of pills and I'd count them out and give him so many a day, weaning him down, and ultimately he still did what he wanted to do. Steal them, go buy more, it never worked.
Is he in a program to get clean? Does he have other support? You can't bear that burden of getting him clean or being his only support.
As for your feelings... it can take a while for you to regain trust in him. You don't really trust him to stay clean right now. If you did, you wouldn't be suspicious of his actions, yanno? Look, in the worst of things, I did try to manage my fiance's addiction. I was checking call logs on his phone, checking his phone while he slept, searching his coat pockets, questioning everything, one minute I was screaming at him over it, the next crying. And throughout this - I had a 6 month old and 2 year old to take care of! It was bad. I had 2 kids to handle, a drug addiction in full force, and my life was insane.
You will eventually re-gain trust in him, but it's going to take time. And until he gets help for his addiction and wants to get help, it won't get better. You can't be his only support, he needs to want to get help, and he needs to take steps to get help on his own. He has to do this, not you, him.
It can get better though, he needs to take steps to move forward and get clean on his own. Once he starts a program and works towards that, you'll see it will get easier on you. But definitely take steps on your own to reach out and find someone to talk to, be it a therapist or a support group, definitely take the steps to take care of you, that will be huge for you!
Remember, you cannot control his addiction. His addiction is his and his alone. You can be a support, but you can't manage it. Years ago, in the midst of my fiance's wicked pill addiction when it had taken over his life, I tried to manage it. Every time he wanted to get clean, he'd buy a bunch of pills and I'd count them out and give him so many a day, weaning him down, and ultimately he still did what he wanted to do. Steal them, go buy more, it never worked.
Is he in a program to get clean? Does he have other support? You can't bear that burden of getting him clean or being his only support.
As for your feelings... it can take a while for you to regain trust in him. You don't really trust him to stay clean right now. If you did, you wouldn't be suspicious of his actions, yanno? Look, in the worst of things, I did try to manage my fiance's addiction. I was checking call logs on his phone, checking his phone while he slept, searching his coat pockets, questioning everything, one minute I was screaming at him over it, the next crying. And throughout this - I had a 6 month old and 2 year old to take care of! It was bad. I had 2 kids to handle, a drug addiction in full force, and my life was insane.
You will eventually re-gain trust in him, but it's going to take time. And until he gets help for his addiction and wants to get help, it won't get better. You can't be his only support, he needs to want to get help, and he needs to take steps to get help on his own. He has to do this, not you, him.
It can get better though, he needs to take steps to move forward and get clean on his own. Once he starts a program and works towards that, you'll see it will get easier on you. But definitely take steps on your own to reach out and find someone to talk to, be it a therapist or a support group, definitely take the steps to take care of you, that will be huge for you!
