I've been on the crazy train for about 7 years now. My 27 year old son, Matthew is addicted to heroin. Initially I denied it (since denial is a much happier place) and then I believed all the lies and promises (too numerous to write); but there is no denying I have been a huge enabler. Just when you think things are getting better..........bam!!! Matthew had been on a pretrial diversion for drug charges which placed him on probation for 2 years and then he would be allowed to plea his felony to a misdemeanor. For reasons I can't begin to comprehend in my non-addicted brain, he squandered this gift and started using again in December and then failed to show up for probation. His probation and diversion were revoked. I withdrew all financial support at that time. He's been on a downward spiral ever since. His dad, his brother and I have begged him to turn himself in and get the help he needs. I've been so fearful of that dreaded phone call that he's OD'd and I've made myself sick with worry for him. He's done unspeakable things the last few months. When the USMarshals showed up to pick him up a couple days ago, he initially ran. He quickly realized he couldn't run for long so he did agree to turn himself him the next day; after he had 1 more night to get high. I went with him to turn himself in on Thursday and that was the first night I truly got any rest, knowing he wasn't going to OD while I slept. Now we're waiting on a court date and I really have no idea what will happen to him. I'm hoping rehab is in the picture but we shall have to wait and see what the judge will allow.
My question and the subject of this post: He calls me from jail - what do we talk about?
Do I call him on all the crap he's pulled of late? Or just stick with small talk?
I want to converse with him in a way that will be helpful to him choosing recovery and not make matters worse. Should we talk about his drug addiction and the things he's done or should that be left for the professionals. Right now the conversations are very short because he is detoxing and doesn't feel well. I don't want to say anything to contribute to the low self esteem and the sense of failure he has to have but at the same time if I say nothing am I sending him the message that what he's done is okay and all is forgiven.
How do you have a conversation with an addict without enabling??
Matthews Mom, I don't know if you have read my posts ...my son Christopher lost his battle to addiction 3 days ago...read my post and you'll get a glimpse into what our story is...You asked how to have a conversation with your son...Chris was incarated a few times stupid stuff...but I tried to listen to him ...You mentioned or asked if you should call him out on what he did...Mom he knows what he did....what's to be gained on calling him out? I would always try and listen and encourage my Chris to seek help that he was worthy of more for himself...I encouraged him to seek help...and that I loved him..encourage him to go to rehab...encourage him that your going to seek help so you can help him ...just because they are miss guided by this disease they still need to be loved...find the fine line between love and enabling. ..learn No sometimes means you love them but won't enable them......Sometimes learn to listen....I wish him and you the best.
Christophers Mom I have read many of your posts truthfully, reading yesterday you had lost your Christopher is what prompted me to post my question.. I have always tried to make sure Matthew knows I love him countless unanswered text messages and voicemails saying no more than Im thinking of you, missing you, praying for you and always that I love him. Ive offered to find treatment for him as well as pay for it. Ive begged him to turn himself in since December because I knew the outcome would be better if he did that. What finally convinced him though were the Marshals looking for him, so I do have doubts about his sincerity to actually get help, but I am ever hopeful.
For sure he knows what all hes done - but he doesnt know I know a lot of the things hes done. Ive avoided those confrontations out of fear of his reaction and to keep a minimal amount of peace. My dilemma is letting him think he got away with all the things hes done, does that give him confidence to repeat those behaviors? Some of his misdeeds I've just become aware of since he went to jail. Hes called me once daily since he returned to jail each conversation is less than 10 minutes. So far its been small talk.how are you, hes detoxing while in jail..discussions about the possible outcomes with the legal issues....he asks about his girlfriend who I know is also a drug addict, but he denies. And always I tell him I love him and its never too late for him to have a beautiful life.
Thank you for your advice and your well wishes. I am so sorry for your loss - my heart aches for you as you are living my worst nightmare. I will keep you in my prayers.
For sure he knows what all hes done - but he doesnt know I know a lot of the things hes done. Ive avoided those confrontations out of fear of his reaction and to keep a minimal amount of peace. My dilemma is letting him think he got away with all the things hes done, does that give him confidence to repeat those behaviors? Some of his misdeeds I've just become aware of since he went to jail. Hes called me once daily since he returned to jail each conversation is less than 10 minutes. So far its been small talk.how are you, hes detoxing while in jail..discussions about the possible outcomes with the legal issues....he asks about his girlfriend who I know is also a drug addict, but he denies. And always I tell him I love him and its never too late for him to have a beautiful life.
Thank you for your advice and your well wishes. I am so sorry for your loss - my heart aches for you as you are living my worst nightmare. I will keep you in my prayers.
