Wow what a day at my house. My 17 year old son has been ON one lately. Abrasive, combative, arguementative etc. In short, everything a teenager is. Very long story short, he was completely out of line tonight. My hubby doesnt get really get to involved unless he starts to disrespect me. He did majorly then started having a tantrum throwing stuff around into the hallway. Hubby grabbed his wrist to stop him from throwing another item. He yanks away and starts yelling. Leaves the house and then calls me saying my hubby was beating on him. I was standing right there and nothing of the sort happened.
I am so not okay right now. Strangely I dont have a huge complusion to use. I thought about it briefly when this all first started and thought to myself, yeah right, like you need THAT to make things that much worse. I'm going to call about us getting some family counseling. I've been thinking about it for a while anyway. For help during my transition getting well. But thats a long term solution. I dont know what to do now. Neither of them want to talk to each other and I'm smack in the middle. I'm going to call my son's father tomorrow and get his advice. As awful a relationship as we had, after he quit drinking he became a really good father.
Right now this minute I"m doing okay sobriety wise. I hope that stays with me. Every time I get the urge I try the suggestion some one gave to me. Thinking that second thought about the consequences of taking that first pill. I did that like I said above. Thought to myself a couple pills would calm me down. Then my 2nd voice came on and said sure, so you could forget everything that was said or happened and fall asleep during the conversations and slur all your words and have eveyrone look at you like your from mars. AND wake up feeling crappy. That 2nd voice made a lot more sense.
My son didnt come home. He is staying at his friends down the street. At this point I dont know how to rectify this. He's almost an adult but is still acting like a child. Anyone tries to talk to him, he gets defensive and starts yelling.Now I have to worry about him thinking he got hit. Thank god I was standing right there so I could see the whole thing. He is dramatic on a normal day. He is going to run with this. Hubby thinks he is a disrespectful, lazy, smart kid. True all all accounts. Son thinks hubby is a hardass who get pleasure somehow out of trying to teach him responsibility. I'm a loss as to what to do. My family is so important to me. All the two of them lately is fight.
This is my fault LOL I wrote to another mother a few days ago saying how great he was doing after a rough patch.
I cant sleep. I have a people magazine, some gummi worms and a nice tall glass of ice water. Crossing my fingers that I can handle this and figure out what to do.
Kelly
Hi Kelly-Welcome.Just a thought because this is definitely not an area of my experience.Let the biological father handle it and keep the othet two seperated.The kid is smart and knows exactly what hes doing.
Therapy would be a great start.Young testotsterone mixing with some seasoned
test.sounds like whats going on.
Without knowing any details,I would say get the real dad involved.Maybe they could even spend the day together.If your ex is a stand up sort of fellow he might be able to convey to this young man to what his stepfathers role is.
You could try and encorage your current husband to back off.
Just a suggestion.My only issue is how to keep my chocolate lab from bringing every article of clothing I own into the living room when I dont take her driving with me.....Ive thought of therapy but just know she would renege when it came time to pay the bill.LOL
Therapy would be a great start.Young testotsterone mixing with some seasoned
test.sounds like whats going on.
Without knowing any details,I would say get the real dad involved.Maybe they could even spend the day together.If your ex is a stand up sort of fellow he might be able to convey to this young man to what his stepfathers role is.
You could try and encorage your current husband to back off.
Just a suggestion.My only issue is how to keep my chocolate lab from bringing every article of clothing I own into the living room when I dont take her driving with me.....Ive thought of therapy but just know she would renege when it came time to pay the bill.LOL
Thanks tim... Any encouragement is welcome. Its nice to feel not alone and in the company of people who understand what a struggle day to day sobriety is even when you dont have drama and how incredibly harder the struggle becomes when drama gets involved. I'm going to the humane society friday to look for a pet myself!!!
Kelly
Kelly
kelly,
my daughter is a bit younger then your son but still a teen, we did the counceling thing and what worked for me, is when she used to start trying to get under my skin throw tantrums, call me names being disrespectful and all that. i started no acknowleding any bad behaviour from her at all. i let her carry on and i did not react to it at all. it wasnt easy, i had to remove myself from the situation. sometimes she would follow me but i still kept a stone face and tried to talk to myself inside my head. after a few times of this, she realised she wasnt getting anywhere except wasting her time and energy and she couldnt get me to crack. she came to understand if she wanted to rationalise with me it had to be done with respect. this has been almost a year now and i now have a very pleasant 15 year old daughter with the exception of an occassional bad pms episode but once in a while is better then everyday. thats what worked for us. he doesnt deserve any attention if he is disrespectful even if its negative attention. also i had to set limits and bounderies. its not to late believe me. kids need these and they actually WANT them. i'm just passing along what i learned in counceling and it did work for us and being consistant is key. set your mind to it and go for it. also i agree get his real dad involved. good luck to you.
terrianne
my daughter is a bit younger then your son but still a teen, we did the counceling thing and what worked for me, is when she used to start trying to get under my skin throw tantrums, call me names being disrespectful and all that. i started no acknowleding any bad behaviour from her at all. i let her carry on and i did not react to it at all. it wasnt easy, i had to remove myself from the situation. sometimes she would follow me but i still kept a stone face and tried to talk to myself inside my head. after a few times of this, she realised she wasnt getting anywhere except wasting her time and energy and she couldnt get me to crack. she came to understand if she wanted to rationalise with me it had to be done with respect. this has been almost a year now and i now have a very pleasant 15 year old daughter with the exception of an occassional bad pms episode but once in a while is better then everyday. thats what worked for us. he doesnt deserve any attention if he is disrespectful even if its negative attention. also i had to set limits and bounderies. its not to late believe me. kids need these and they actually WANT them. i'm just passing along what i learned in counceling and it did work for us and being consistant is key. set your mind to it and go for it. also i agree get his real dad involved. good luck to you.
terrianne
Kelly;
I'm sorry for the problems you're going thru right now, but I just think it's great that you thought it thru and didn't use. Recovery is a wonderful thing - even when life isn't always going as we'd like.
You've already gotten good advice on how to proceed. I have an 18 year okld stepson but he's perfect. Never gives us any trouble. Not!
I'll pray for you and yours to peacefully resolve this situation.
Take care;
Jim
I'm sorry for the problems you're going thru right now, but I just think it's great that you thought it thru and didn't use. Recovery is a wonderful thing - even when life isn't always going as we'd like.
You've already gotten good advice on how to proceed. I have an 18 year okld stepson but he's perfect. Never gives us any trouble. Not!
I'll pray for you and yours to peacefully resolve this situation.
Take care;
Jim
kelly, way to talk yourself thru it. Remember you can't solve a problem with a problem. I remember when I would have a bad day I would just pop a couple tabs and drink some beer so I wouldn't have to deal with it, but remember part of our recovery is excepting that we have to learn how to deal with these problems instead of running away. Dealing with these problems will eventually make you a better person and a better mom. You thought your problem thru rationally. Be proud. life thru an obstacle and you hurdled it. Good job.Now you are ready for any other problem you may face today.
Travis
Travis
GM Kelly,
When my 19 yo was 15 he and his step dad did not get along....my son would tell his dad all this crap that his step was doing to him, luckily I was around to witness what went down, neither of my boys throw fits.just get really loud with me, and when they do they take a walk....my hun would try and talk to them but they say he has no room to say anything becuz he isn't their dad. Then the ex would say he didn't want to hear what was going on at our house...so Ireallt felt lost. Finally things have mellowed out and we all seem to be getting along....except the ex still doesn't deal with the boys........my 17 yo was drunk, confused and lost last week end while I was 2 hours away from home, he calls me scared...I called his dad since he was staying with him..what did his dad want to do but bring him to my house and drop him off so he didn't have to deal with it....let me tell you my 17 yo is very humble right now.
Man I hate what the kids put us thru...but as my mom says " paybacks baby"/LOL
Keep your chin up...time will pass and things will heal..give your son some time to think what he has done....hopefully he will come back and say sorry to you and his step..
When my 19 yo was 15 he and his step dad did not get along....my son would tell his dad all this crap that his step was doing to him, luckily I was around to witness what went down, neither of my boys throw fits.just get really loud with me, and when they do they take a walk....my hun would try and talk to them but they say he has no room to say anything becuz he isn't their dad. Then the ex would say he didn't want to hear what was going on at our house...so Ireallt felt lost. Finally things have mellowed out and we all seem to be getting along....except the ex still doesn't deal with the boys........my 17 yo was drunk, confused and lost last week end while I was 2 hours away from home, he calls me scared...I called his dad since he was staying with him..what did his dad want to do but bring him to my house and drop him off so he didn't have to deal with it....let me tell you my 17 yo is very humble right now.
Man I hate what the kids put us thru...but as my mom says " paybacks baby"/LOL
Keep your chin up...time will pass and things will heal..give your son some time to think what he has done....hopefully he will come back and say sorry to you and his step..
Kelly,
You have always been such a sweetie to me and I'm sorry you are going through this with your son. I'm only 5 years older than he, so I remember very clearly how it was especially 17 & 18 was horrible for me. My mom and I were hardly close and my dad and I fought physically my whole life. It just made me rebel more. It does get better. My mom and dad and I are so close now, I can talk to them openly and am proud to have them as parents. It's normal behavior for teens to be angry at times, but I guarantee you when he gets a little older his feelings will change. Mine did and I just knew that things were going to remain like hell with them for the duration. They didn't, the won't.
Remain strong, you've come a long way and if you need to talk to me ever Kelly you can email me.
kaylinsmom440@yahoo.com
Stacey
You have always been such a sweetie to me and I'm sorry you are going through this with your son. I'm only 5 years older than he, so I remember very clearly how it was especially 17 & 18 was horrible for me. My mom and I were hardly close and my dad and I fought physically my whole life. It just made me rebel more. It does get better. My mom and dad and I are so close now, I can talk to them openly and am proud to have them as parents. It's normal behavior for teens to be angry at times, but I guarantee you when he gets a little older his feelings will change. Mine did and I just knew that things were going to remain like hell with them for the duration. They didn't, the won't.
Remain strong, you've come a long way and if you need to talk to me ever Kelly you can email me.
kaylinsmom440@yahoo.com
Stacey
kelly
being a 17 year old is one of the toughest job assignments of the planet. being the mother of a 17 year old IS the toughest!
in every troubling situation i try to ask myself this question: "how can i see this differently ~ how can i see the peace in this?"
love and forgiveness are the two kindest words that i can offer you. they can usually be used as tools to remedy a troubling situation.
a reminder ~ "serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm."
attempt to maintain a proper perspective. you're the adult ~ he's the adolescent. try not to let those roles get reversed.
propose that you all sit down and attempt to iron the problem out. listen to each other ~ propose a course of action!
i agree with tim ~ get the biological father into action.
if all of those suggestions fail then you have my permission to beat him unmercifully with a baseball bat or similar blunt instrument.
here's your hug...
love ya!
*sdr*
being a 17 year old is one of the toughest job assignments of the planet. being the mother of a 17 year old IS the toughest!
in every troubling situation i try to ask myself this question: "how can i see this differently ~ how can i see the peace in this?"
love and forgiveness are the two kindest words that i can offer you. they can usually be used as tools to remedy a troubling situation.
a reminder ~ "serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm."
attempt to maintain a proper perspective. you're the adult ~ he's the adolescent. try not to let those roles get reversed.
propose that you all sit down and attempt to iron the problem out. listen to each other ~ propose a course of action!
i agree with tim ~ get the biological father into action.
if all of those suggestions fail then you have my permission to beat him unmercifully with a baseball bat or similar blunt instrument.
here's your hug...
love ya!
*sdr*
Everybody is giving you pretty good advice here. I have an older son from a previous marriage and the whole step-father/father dynamic can be horrid. And my son knew just how to play it. We all ended up in therapy when he was about 16, his Dad included and it was the smartest thing we ever did. Jason found out that he couldn't pull that crap anymore, everyone knew the game.
If you can't afford counseling for him, seek out a school counselor. They will hopefully put you in touch with resources.
Now, about you. You are doing awesome. You're hitting these problems head on and asking for help, You're not stuffing them.
Good for you.
Cowgirl
If you can't afford counseling for him, seek out a school counselor. They will hopefully put you in touch with resources.
Now, about you. You are doing awesome. You're hitting these problems head on and asking for help, You're not stuffing them.
Good for you.
Cowgirl
hey kelly,
i agree with stacey..he will grow up and will actually feel bad for days like this...in the mean time...if he is aware of your past problem with pills can you sit him down and tell him how this hurts your heart, how you love him, you love your hubby and for the sake of your peace of mind and nerves, could he please at least try to get along with hubby. tell him hes doing the best that he can, that hes not his father nor trying to be, but hubby does care about the family as a unit....and your relationship with him... Can you arrange that both men go to a fottball game together> Concert? something your son likes?? maybe they need to spend some time together so your son can see him in a different light..you know the male bonding thing......fishing? hockey? go get your christmas present together a buy a hot dog...just the two of them..
anyway know it will all work out...congrats on your resolve to think clearly.
Hugs,
Ali
i agree with stacey..he will grow up and will actually feel bad for days like this...in the mean time...if he is aware of your past problem with pills can you sit him down and tell him how this hurts your heart, how you love him, you love your hubby and for the sake of your peace of mind and nerves, could he please at least try to get along with hubby. tell him hes doing the best that he can, that hes not his father nor trying to be, but hubby does care about the family as a unit....and your relationship with him... Can you arrange that both men go to a fottball game together> Concert? something your son likes?? maybe they need to spend some time together so your son can see him in a different light..you know the male bonding thing......fishing? hockey? go get your christmas present together a buy a hot dog...just the two of them..
anyway know it will all work out...congrats on your resolve to think clearly.
Hugs,
Ali
