I just found out yesterday that my husband is addicted to heroin. We have been married for 6 months, together for 3 years. We have a 1 1/2 year old and another on the way. One thing I can tell you about my husband.. he's a great liar. When I first met him I knew that he smoked weed, I was opposed to it so he said that he quit for me. Little did I know that that just meant that he started hiding it from me. I caught on when I was pregnant, I confronted him, told him it was fine if he smoked weed as long as stopped lying to me. He then turned to alcohol. I would say my husband is an alcoholic. He's not as bad as he was before. But when he drinks.. he drinks. Two weeks before we got married I found out that he was addicted to Perks. He swore to me up and down he would never take a single one again. He said that it was recreational and that he could wean off of them easily. During our honeymoon he was clean, our time was wonderful. I felt like everything was getting back to normal. Then two weeks after our honeymoon I found him with Perks again. He said that they were just to help him with him "muscle pains" from his new labor job. I flushed them. He told me that he would stay away from them. Now, 5 months since that incident and 3 months pregnant, I find out that he's been using heroin for the past 5 months because it's "cheaper than Perks". He left an empty bag on our bathroom counter, where I found it. When I questioned him he instantly got defensive and swore that it was one of his friends. When I started to interrogate his friends, he finally fessed up. He claims that he's been using $10 worth every 2 or 3 days, which is accurate to my bank account that he's been withdrawling money from. He said that he's been only using enough to fight withdrawling and keeping himself from getting sick. He says that he wants to get clean and get back to how he used to be. We are going to a NA meeting tonight. But I'm finding it hard to look at him since finding out. My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest. He doesn't want anyone to know and so badly I just want to vent to my dad about what is happening. We both suffer from depression and anxiety. I feel my depression coming on heavy right now with not knowing what to do and not having anyone to talk to. I'm so scared that he is going to go back to using. I'm scared that I'm too naive that I won't catch him again until I find him dead. I'm scared of having to take our kids away from him. I'm scared of losing him. But I'm so scared of losing myself. I don't know how to be a wife to an addict. I don't know when to be encouraging and when to give tough love. I don't even know if he takes me serious. I need advice, any comments about anything will help. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Loving welcome Alexis. So glad that you came here but so sorry that you needed to.
I'm not a wife to an addict. I'm a mom to one. I'm so sorry. Sorry that you and your babies are going through this. You are NOT losing your mind. All of us who love an addict have felt/still feel like you do. Breathe.
I heard from my 21 yo daughter everything that your hubby has said. She was only using a few bags a few times a week. She was only using for recreational purposes. She only used so she could get out of the bed and continue going to college. She had 2 part time jobs but never had money. She, too, thought she had it under control. (Heroin is her drug of choice.) But. . .after a while heroin was controlling her. She started to steal from me and her dad. It happened slowly. Maybe a few pieces at a time But. . .one day ALL of our jewlery was gone. I noticed money was missing from my purse. $20 here. $50 there. I thought I was getting forgetful. And, there were charges or withdrawals on my credit/debit cards that I didn't make. I started to lock my purse in my car and slept with the keys under me. We took her cell phone. She had no access to a car. Her dad put a pad-lock on a closet so we could store liquor and my prescription drugs without worry. She lied like a rug. Shall I go on?
And you know what? Despite our best efforts, she still found a way to buy and use. We couldn't control it. She didn't always use heroin. I guess that is her preference. But she used crack, Xanax and even crushed up Klonopin & snorted that. I say this to say that like your hubby her addiction morphs. Shoot. . .When she was a teenager she was addicted to pills & alcohol. She was clean for about 3 years . . . and then found heroin.
I won't tell you to run like hell. . .yet. But I do wonder what you thought you were going to get when you married an alcoholic. And I wonder now what you think you are currently getting out of this relationship. And, I'm curious to know how you see him parenting your kids.
I will tell you that as long as you are with him you need to protect yourself. Get separate accounts. Bank as well as credit cards. Do NOT store valuables or money in the house (or the car). There are no boundaries when an addict is jonesing. My girl even sold my wedding band! Set clear concrete boundaries for your hubby and spell out the consequences for crossing them; most importantly, enforce that cause & effect. Put money away in a F*** It account: WHEN he blows all his money on dope, you will have a few dollars saved for diapers, formula, rent money or if you need/want to leave.
Please read on this site What Not to Do and Let Me Fall All By Myself. Understand that no matter how wonderful you are, how cute your kids are, or how great a life he would be throwing away, he isn't adding 2 plus 2 and getting 4. He is adding 2 plus 2 and getting the answer of dope. You can't control this. You can't give him the will or strength to quit or to stay clean. He has to want this. You can't cure this.
I'm glad that you will be going to meetings with him. BUT. . .Make sure that you take care of you and what you have control over! If possible, get some support from Naranon or Alanon. Keep coming back here. Educate yourself about addiction, enabling and detaching with love. I wouldn't tell his people anything. But, if I were in your shoes I would confide in someone . . .for you to have support and love. . . whether that is my mom, my dad, my best friend, minister, therapist. . .somebody who is on MY side.
Sending a hug to you,
Lynn
I'm not a wife to an addict. I'm a mom to one. I'm so sorry. Sorry that you and your babies are going through this. You are NOT losing your mind. All of us who love an addict have felt/still feel like you do. Breathe.
I heard from my 21 yo daughter everything that your hubby has said. She was only using a few bags a few times a week. She was only using for recreational purposes. She only used so she could get out of the bed and continue going to college. She had 2 part time jobs but never had money. She, too, thought she had it under control. (Heroin is her drug of choice.) But. . .after a while heroin was controlling her. She started to steal from me and her dad. It happened slowly. Maybe a few pieces at a time But. . .one day ALL of our jewlery was gone. I noticed money was missing from my purse. $20 here. $50 there. I thought I was getting forgetful. And, there were charges or withdrawals on my credit/debit cards that I didn't make. I started to lock my purse in my car and slept with the keys under me. We took her cell phone. She had no access to a car. Her dad put a pad-lock on a closet so we could store liquor and my prescription drugs without worry. She lied like a rug. Shall I go on?
And you know what? Despite our best efforts, she still found a way to buy and use. We couldn't control it. She didn't always use heroin. I guess that is her preference. But she used crack, Xanax and even crushed up Klonopin & snorted that. I say this to say that like your hubby her addiction morphs. Shoot. . .When she was a teenager she was addicted to pills & alcohol. She was clean for about 3 years . . . and then found heroin.
I won't tell you to run like hell. . .yet. But I do wonder what you thought you were going to get when you married an alcoholic. And I wonder now what you think you are currently getting out of this relationship. And, I'm curious to know how you see him parenting your kids.
I will tell you that as long as you are with him you need to protect yourself. Get separate accounts. Bank as well as credit cards. Do NOT store valuables or money in the house (or the car). There are no boundaries when an addict is jonesing. My girl even sold my wedding band! Set clear concrete boundaries for your hubby and spell out the consequences for crossing them; most importantly, enforce that cause & effect. Put money away in a F*** It account: WHEN he blows all his money on dope, you will have a few dollars saved for diapers, formula, rent money or if you need/want to leave.
Please read on this site What Not to Do and Let Me Fall All By Myself. Understand that no matter how wonderful you are, how cute your kids are, or how great a life he would be throwing away, he isn't adding 2 plus 2 and getting 4. He is adding 2 plus 2 and getting the answer of dope. You can't control this. You can't give him the will or strength to quit or to stay clean. He has to want this. You can't cure this.
I'm glad that you will be going to meetings with him. BUT. . .Make sure that you take care of you and what you have control over! If possible, get some support from Naranon or Alanon. Keep coming back here. Educate yourself about addiction, enabling and detaching with love. I wouldn't tell his people anything. But, if I were in your shoes I would confide in someone . . .for you to have support and love. . . whether that is my mom, my dad, my best friend, minister, therapist. . .somebody who is on MY side.
Sending a hug to you,
Lynn
Ditto what hurting mom has posted. Her advice is right on! You can only change you and your babies future. You cannot change your husband and the path he is on! He is the only one that can! He will tell you anything he thinks you want to hear and then steal from you in the next breath!
Change your bank acct. to you only and lock up anything of value. You must protect yourself and your babies or he will drain you dry and take you down with him! He is in love with heroin and she can and will possess his soul and own him!
My 45 y/o addict son has destroyed so many lives and many women and their children have lost a lot to his ways. He is a master liar and oh so believable! He has stolen from them and even sold their kids stuff for drugs! Any family member that has helped him has found many things missing!
He has no conscience and would do it over and over if allowed! Put yourself in a safe position and let him go his way before you are stuck in an endless relationship of sorrow and misery!
Hugs and prayers--Lori
Change your bank acct. to you only and lock up anything of value. You must protect yourself and your babies or he will drain you dry and take you down with him! He is in love with heroin and she can and will possess his soul and own him!
My 45 y/o addict son has destroyed so many lives and many women and their children have lost a lot to his ways. He is a master liar and oh so believable! He has stolen from them and even sold their kids stuff for drugs! Any family member that has helped him has found many things missing!
He has no conscience and would do it over and over if allowed! Put yourself in a safe position and let him go his way before you are stuck in an endless relationship of sorrow and misery!
Hugs and prayers--Lori
Regular (and I mean commitment for life) NA meetings will treat him.
Regular Nar-Anon meetings will treat you.
This is a family disease - he is addicted to the drug(s) and you're addicted to him.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
Regular Nar-Anon meetings will treat you.
This is a family disease - he is addicted to the drug(s) and you're addicted to him.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
I agree with everyone else one here. You should confide in your dad. This is serious and if child welfare get wind of him being an addict they can take your kids out of your house as it would be considered an unsafe household. Even though your a good mom. I am the mother of an on again off again addict who is 34 yrs old and has been doing this for 17 yrs now! Can you imagine your babies having a dad 17yrs from now that's a heroin addict? I thought my grand daughters mom(my daughter) and dad would have quit for her. But no they were always going to but time doesn't exist in their world. Now she's ten and I have had her since she was 2-3 yrs old. Nothing makes them quit except them! Nothing and no one!!! They have to want it more than they want drugs. But once drugs get a hold of them it's all they care about. Not you, the kids, nothing but heroin. It's just a down right shame for you and the kids and I'm sad for you. But you need to look at what kind of future you will have with him. You should take him off your bank account because it will eventually get drained. Taking heroin $10 a few times a week turns to 4, then 5 and so on and so on. If he's shooting up hope he's not sharing needles because he can get hepatitis C and you can catch it too. Read up on it! It's sadly a common thing among IV drug users. My daughter has it. We can't make them quit. They have to do it themselves and want it more than they want drugs. If I could have made my daughter quit years ago I would have and God knows I tried! Many times. My heart is broken with my daughter. My life is not the same as it was 17 yrs ago. It's hard to be happy because your afraid of what misery is around the corner. Nothing stays "sane" for long. It's hell on earth! So be careful and talk to your dad. This is too big for you to handle by yourself especially with a baby and another on the way. My heart goes out to you as I know the sadness and worry you have. But you know what? Us women are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. That's why we're the ones who give birth!! So find what strength you need even if you have to drag it up from the tips of your toes. You'll find it and you'll find an answer to what you need to do. Because when you think about it...only you can and your now responsible for two little ones who need a strong mom like you to make the decisions for them. Good luck to you! God Bless. Mary.
You don't know how strong you are until strong is all you've got.
make decisions thru a lens of 'whats the right choice for mom and kids'
If it does not feel right in your gut, there is a reason. do not compromise your values.
make your life simplier if you have to, in order to take care of your young children.
life will become more and more complicated for YOU, not anyone else, if your husband continues to use and you continue to live with him.
you did not cause the problem, then the problem is not yours to fix.... in terms of his actions - if he creates the problem, he needs to fix it, not you....
you did not cause it, you can not control it, you can not cure it,
your husband can cure it, if HE wants to put a lot of effort into it.
look for the post 'What not to do' in the family board. if you stay in those guidelines, you will succeed in keeping yourself sane.
make decisions thru a lens of 'whats the right choice for mom and kids'
If it does not feel right in your gut, there is a reason. do not compromise your values.
make your life simplier if you have to, in order to take care of your young children.
life will become more and more complicated for YOU, not anyone else, if your husband continues to use and you continue to live with him.
you did not cause the problem, then the problem is not yours to fix.... in terms of his actions - if he creates the problem, he needs to fix it, not you....
you did not cause it, you can not control it, you can not cure it,
your husband can cure it, if HE wants to put a lot of effort into it.
look for the post 'What not to do' in the family board. if you stay in those guidelines, you will succeed in keeping yourself sane.
