Hi, I'm new here and seeking advice about my husband. We have been married for 3 years and have a 2 year old and are expecting a child in the fall (I also have a 5 year old from a previous marriage). We dated long distance for a year, and despite mentioning that he drank too much, I put this down to self deprecation because he was in school full time, working full time,and I just didn't see how an alcoholic could maintain that lifestyle. A year or so into the relationship, I found out i was pregnant and he moved back here (where he grew up and his family still is) and we married. I was consumed with raising a toddler and pregnancy, and didn't pay much attention to his drinking other than to notice its effect on his mood. A few beers made him much more pleasant and a few more made him loud, obnoxious and mean. Other kinds of alcohol had other effects- Whiskey and bourbon, his favorites, made him downright evil. I put a lot down to a drastic change- bachelorhood to living with a 2 year old and wife, and soon a newborn. He was also still working and going to school. When our son was a few months old, my father offered my husband a job at my family's company, where he would make significantly more than he could expect with his degree. He took the job, and seems to enjoy it. However, it put us in the new position of him working 8 hours a day, then having hours of free time. Of course, he decided to fill these hours with drinking. His treatment of my daughter and I became pretty bad. He was raised in a culture that does not place high value on women and it shows, especially when he drinks. He was never physically abusive (which he prides himself on) but he was disrespectful and mean and I did not want my children to see this behavior and think it was acceptable. After months of this, I spoke with his brother and after the brothers had a talk, my husband agreed there might maybe be a problem and agreed to go to counseling if I set it up. After a few appointments, he continued drinking as usual and told me that the counselor said he wasn't an alcoholic and thought he should try limiting it to drinking on weekends or only 4-6 at a time. This sounded contrary to everything I know about addiction, but I didn't push and instead asked if we could do a couples session sometime. When I went with him, I asked about it and the counselor said that he was not alcohol dependent (he has stopped for a week here and there and has not had severe withdrawal) but that he meets every criteria for functional alcoholism. She also said she had suggested that he try cutting back because he was so averse to quitting altogether. She asked how I thought it was going and I said he hadn't cut back at all, and he admitted that was true. She suggested he try quitting altogether, but didn't push it. We agreed to do another couples session, as it seemed to make him more honest about the situation. However, it was left to my husband to plan, and he found reasons to push it back week after week. Meanwhile his behavior has improved toward my daughter and I, and he cut back slightly. Without fail, he will have an event (a wedding, party, etc) where he will binge drink, then declare he is never drinking again,which will last at most 5 days. This week he informed me that he did his exit interview with his counselor, although he admitted that he might have b.s.'d his way through. He often tells me that he hasn't had a drink in 5 days, and when i bring up that he drank at a friend's house he says "one doesn't count." If we have a minor argument, he immediately NEEDS a drink, when the kids are hyper or misbehave, if we have to drive for a couple of hours with the kids in the car, if his back hurts, if he has a bad day at work, if we're in a group of more than 4 people, or if anyone around him is drinking, he absolutely NEEDS a drink. I asked if he was sure about ending counseling and he said he wasn't getting anything out of it. I assume that has something to do with lying to the counselor, but I'm afraid to push the issue. I think he would benefit from AA, but he is from a culture of stuffing everything under the rug and getting him to admit in a group that he has a weakness is impossible. I guess I 'm just asking- Is there anything at all I can do to help him? I know he has to get to the point of wanting to stop on his own, but I don't know what that will take or what to do in the meantime. We are having another child this fall, and it worries me that I am getting more deeply entwined with my husband when I am so uncertain about his and our future. Any advice would be greatly appreciated,and if you made it all the way through this post I am very grateful for your time.. Thank you!
Hi Mennowife, and welcome - going to a counsellor is a waste of time and money unless you are going to be 100% honest- it is not easy to be totally honest and to reveal your faults, weaknesses and demons, to a stranger - it took me several sessions before i realised i was only fooling myself- the counsellor had heard it all before and called me on any b...s..t i tried to give her- when i eventually began to reveal all to the counsellor it really helped me, i still go every two weeks- i have been sober since 2005- your husband will not quit until he admits he to himself, first-off that he has a problem and then decides he really wants to stop-
unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make him stop, if he does stop just to keep you happy- it wont last - it only works when we do it for ourselves- because we want to quit- for whatever reason- i wish i could give you the magic answer, how to get him to stop- but addiction doesent work like that- you need to take care of you and your kids- concentrate on your needs- addiction is a selfish disease- the drink/drugs come before everyone and everything thats the unvarnished truth about it- it is also a progressive disease it takes more and more drink/drugs to have the same effect as our tolerance increases- all you can do is encourage him to seek help, perhaps talk to his brother again and other familly members- but again he has to decide to quit for him- keep posting here for support- you are far from alone in what you have to deal with - the best of luck
unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make him stop, if he does stop just to keep you happy- it wont last - it only works when we do it for ourselves- because we want to quit- for whatever reason- i wish i could give you the magic answer, how to get him to stop- but addiction doesent work like that- you need to take care of you and your kids- concentrate on your needs- addiction is a selfish disease- the drink/drugs come before everyone and everything thats the unvarnished truth about it- it is also a progressive disease it takes more and more drink/drugs to have the same effect as our tolerance increases- all you can do is encourage him to seek help, perhaps talk to his brother again and other familly members- but again he has to decide to quit for him- keep posting here for support- you are far from alone in what you have to deal with - the best of luck
You finally get to the "money question" at the bottom of your story: Is there anything I can do to help him?
The answer is no.
Have you condidered a family support program such as Al Anon? For you, and the benefit of your children, I strongly suggest you attend meetings and work your own program of recovery as a codependent. You, and your children, need to be healthy whether he is or not. Also, you are of NO use to him if you are not healthy. It is easy to fall into the pattern of unhealty codependency, which only makes matters worse.
If you are a faith-based person, many churches offer support groups.
Al Anon is in the telephone book and there should be a meeting directory for opportunities near you.
I hope this helps.
Flyboy
The answer is no.
Have you condidered a family support program such as Al Anon? For you, and the benefit of your children, I strongly suggest you attend meetings and work your own program of recovery as a codependent. You, and your children, need to be healthy whether he is or not. Also, you are of NO use to him if you are not healthy. It is easy to fall into the pattern of unhealty codependency, which only makes matters worse.
If you are a faith-based person, many churches offer support groups.
Al Anon is in the telephone book and there should be a meeting directory for opportunities near you.
I hope this helps.
Flyboy
