Hello to anyone who may read this. I would say Hi my name is alice and I'm an addict but sadly that wouldn't be true because my name is not Alice. I wish that statement were a lie for the other obvious reason but here I am. The first time in my life I have made that statement never even said it out loud let alone wrote it down. I am defiantly a secret addict if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know and if you didn't know you would never guess. I am a 30yr old mother of three and have been with my husband for 16 years. Yes your math is correct I was 13 when we started dating and have never broken up or been apart since. I feel grateful to have a strong foundation now that I do but all concrete is brittle before it hardens. In hindsight it was a great portion of what lead me to here. When I was 17 we had our first child I was fine he was not. He partied all the time didn't come home many nights and I felt abandoned we had spent all of our time together up until I got pregnant. My pregnancy kept me at home while he started going out without me that's when the trouble started. The constant push and pull of our relationship created an anxiety and panic inside me that progressed as years went by. The odd thing was I did not start using painkillers until 3 1/2 years later after our second child was born. By this time things had settled a lot more the fights were fewer and less intense but I still didn't feel valued and he was still in and out a lot just not at night. Then gradually I started once a week maybe on a Friday night I would give myself a mommy treat I would take a Darvocet to lessen the stress of the week. For a long time it was like this then it became twice a week and so on. I thought I could manage because I was in control then within a blink its 6 years later and I take 3-5 hydrocodone's a day. And when I have taken the majority of the prescription and Its only two weeks into the month I limit myself to 1/12 to 2 pills a day the first week and 1 for the last 4-5 days dying for the month to end so I can get my next bottle, That leads me to here when there is a new health insurance involved you need a pre authorization to get your meds if its over a 10 day supply. except it didn't go through in time and now I have to wait 4 days to get my meds this is already day 4 for me being off them because I took more in this month than any other month Iv been on these that alone tells me I'm loosing even more control. So basically I'm withdrawing out of necessity and not on my own strong will. So as soon as my long anticipated date came today after being out for 4 days I couldn't wait to celebrate and then I was told I have to now wait until Tuesday another r4 1/2 days. Now my mind lingers I possibly have 5 hydro's coming to me from another source in a few hours, but I'm already on day 4. Am I already through the worst of my withdraws? and if I take those did I hit reset. My addict mind tells me in no way do I want to stop but my common sense says your half way there use this time to heal yourself I just need strength but have nobody to share my struggle with to talk me off the ledge when I'm almost stupid enough to think the jump wont leave anything but scrapes and bruises. I am jumping out of my own flesh at this very moment bubbling with anxiety and irritation that the pills taking longer to get here may give me enough time to change my mind and I wont get to enjoy them isn't that sick! I have searched every inch of my house moved furniture went through all my pockets, purses, and every nook and cranny I could think of including going through the contents of my VACCUME CLEANER! Hours spent doing this as if I had been told there's a million dollars located in your house you just have to find it and its yours. I guess you could say I spend much of my free time cooking. crafting, spending time with my children, watching a movie with my husband, and searching for Vicodin. CRAZY LADY HERE! Now I'm just ranting and not searching. It is in all my ranting that I hope somebody reading this may see the evolution into madness that's painkillers lead you. So that if there not YET at this point buyer beware it pounces with no warning and has no mercy. I just hope I can shake it. Anyone out there?
You're almost there. Don't start again. You will just have to go thru withdrawals all over again and your using will just get worse, the cravings will get worse and the withdrawals will get worse. Confide in someone what's going on. you need someone to be accountable to. Addiction doesn't go away by magic. It takes work. Meetings, therapy, something but you need help, hun. Don't try to do it alone. It's too easy to tell yourself "it will be different this time". Yes, it will be different, it will be worse.
