I Am Deeply Sorry To You All

I'm sorry i left you all hanging. Especially you August. After ken's mom died, everything fell apart. I quit going to meetings because everything was insane, I didn't use, but after a month I did, then I was ashamed to come back.
We moved, because they sold our house, we're in the same neighborhood with a better one, I went to Chicago to see my relatives, Ken's not good, and I miss her too, but hey thats life. I should have hit more meetings, instead, I withdrew and assumed that I had the knowledge and power to stay clean because I went for over 90 days and was on here every day. I hung on as long as I could, when we went to the funeral, I drank and smoked weed. Came back and was okay for awhile, but eventually used again.
The good thing, is this doctor is so far away and only rx's percocets, I lied to get them of course, but the other good thing is the pharmacy called him and I got cut off. I thought if I went far and to an off beat pharmacy I'd be okay, but not for long.
So, now I'm back on nothing, but have whined to a few people and gotten pills from them.
I just want to know that August, you're not mad, I'll never ask you for that effort again, I failed you big time, and I realize that.

Lisa, you too, I just thought I could handle it myself and didn't want to listen. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm not counting days, the only reason I haven't had anything in about a week is cuz I haven't had a chance.
I know what I have to to, but don't even want to go back to the groups. I did stop back here months ago and was going to write, but read about Rogers death and just said screw it. For some reason, that really bothered me. And I was telling him stuff too. I had no business telling him stuff.
Ok gonna go for now. Lisa, I got a new email, I'll get yours off my old account and email soon. Hows Jake? August, I don't blame you if you don't respond, I wouldn't if I put that much time into someone and they screwed up. But I love you and hope that you and Mar are doing good and I'm sure you are.
Love you all,
Roe
xoxoxox
I'm responding to my own post. But I've been reading, and so and so has nine days after the 40th try and before had more time. Why do people congratulate that? I messed up and to me five months was a long time. If Lisa or August came on here and said they used, I'd be mad at them. They know better, I should have known better and if everyone keeps telling everyone its okay and congrats on 2 days after you did 2 years clean, then isn't that an exuse because there won't be consequences? Cuz really its not okay. Right? I can give you a million exuses but they'd be just to get people to feel sorry for me. I knew better and did it anyway. The only thing I can't figure out is why?
I'm sure I'm too far gone to be a social user. Because the price of pills is insane and I'd rather have nothing to use and keep my money. But I've studied this disease enough to know that that will change and that scares me. I can say with all honesty I'd never pay those prices NOW, but I've sworn I'd not do stuff I've done when it comes to drugs, so I know better. I'm angry with myself. Ken's ma died, people die, we moved, people move, crap happens and I didn't do what I should have and thats where I'm at.
So August, rant if you want, then lets get back to being friends. I broke a promise to you and I don't like to break promises. (not about using, the wedding thing i was gonna send) Lisa, you've put up with me for five years. I'd not blame you if you were mad. Because I'd be mad if one of you guys did.

What in the hell is with that freaky dog in your posts?
Roe, I saw you pull away and suspected the worst, probably long before you realized the path you were on. Sorry, seen it more times than I can count.

Mad? No. Hopeful that you may have learned something about the true nature of the Enemy? Absolutely.

Roe, I do not go along with the party line that relapse is OK . It is no more OK than crashing your car into a wall. With each relapse, we reinforce the idea that being clean is a temporary condition. With each relapse, we increase the odds that we will die in active addiction. It is not OK. That is different than living a guilt trip.

I do not have to be mad at you. You are mad enough at yourself for both of us. Honesty is where we start in this program. And that is in abundance in your post. Self forgiveness comes along later, somewhere around step 9. If you go back to the rooms, no one with any sobriety will think less of you. We have all been there. You will be welcomed with open and loving arms, same as here.

Those with any sense of recovery do not feel anger or a sense of betrayal. We feel a sense of compassion, and a desire to help.

Roe, the important thing is to get up, dust yourself off and get back on the Program.

Mad? No. Relieved to hear from you? Yes.

It is your journey, Roe. I hope you will join those of us who are sober as we walk together through the joys and sorrows of our lives. You are a beautiful soul. I can sense your laugh and see your smile through the thousands of miles of cable and wire that connect us. I was sad when you pulled away. I am glad you are back.

Mad? No. But I did miss you.

Let us know how you are doing. Have you line up a meeting for today?

Love,

August
Hi briar

I am sorry I just read this or would have responded immediately. We have talked your bright and understand this disease.

I am curious why from WAY back we talked and if i remember the pain was in the knee, Are you using to get high or stay out of pain.

Briar its the summer get your butt to a pool each day and walk in the water. I have been up now 20 minutes.

Do you really think as soon as it gets light out I want to go to the pool? I want to sleep. 3 times a week i walk in the pool and this week I adopted a silky terrier.Crackpot almost killed me yesterday. Its hot here and lunchtime I came home to see how he was. we or he went a stroll. Little rat-Sweat ed out a pound

Rose its been a tough year I ate myself silly put on weight have lost that weight and more. muscle is developing,


Do you take boniva? I fought for years and now 4 times a year I get it shot into me in a vein it will develop bone. If not there is a once a year pills how expensive can they be,

So the plan develop muscle around the joints and get the bones strong as possible

How are you ?? Please take care of yourself. You call me anytime you want. I lost all my numbers or would have tried you when you split the first time.

take care Rose

Jeff
August,
Your one of the few that can touch me to the core. Thanks for being here. No its not okay. I'm going this week. I have these chips I should give back. I messed up and I knew better. I learned from you. You knew before I knew, your wierd that way, remember the last thing you said? You said, you have me "skeered" and when I read that I got nervous and thought, no, I'll be fine.
Maybe I'll just pack a bag and come sleep between you and mary till I get this right!
Got a wedding pic for me?
I so badly want to say that this won't happen again, but I didn't think it would happen the first time, I thought I had it. I was even telling people stuff, now I feel like an a**.
It seems like months are such an uphill climb, but I know I gotta move my arse now. I can't get anything without buying it illigitemately and that poses more risks than I want to take. Plus more money than I'd spend. $30-$50 for a 30mg oxycodone. I met those people in a bar. They're losers. Will you try this again with me? Love you DC......Roe xoxoxox.
August can you clarify something. I "relapsed by trying so hard to kick the combo of benzo/alc and all that oxy I found sub and am clean from all of it a while now.

Is relapse part of recovery? i was told yes ? I guess how do you know when you really are ready. most people are not stupid and understand the do's and don'ts.

BUT?? sheet happens

Jeff
Hi Jeff,
I don't know why, first I had a few beers and weed, figured I'd keep that with me and continue the sobriety, but I couldn't, went to pills, nothing heavy cuz I cut myself off from the doctor that was giving me alot and got flagged at the pharmacies.
I've pretty much taken care of the pain, condroitin, ibuprofen, keep my weight around 130sh, and swim and hot tub. Probably never needed the pills. Just liked them. I just choked I guess. Kens ma died, we all loved her and it was hard. I hadda help with alot of stuff, pressure, whatever, I didn't have to use, they have meetings there too. I messed up. Whats up with you? Are you taking narcotics again, did the pain get bad? Love, Roe xo
If relapse is part of recovery they should change that. People will use it to use over and over and over again.
What exactly went wrong August, with me? I had to take care of family stuff, putting me out of town, should have have continued the meetings there?
I'm done being shy. I had alot of time and now I don't.
Those chips, remember how badly I wanted them? I have to return them now, they weren't earned, they were, but I don't think I should have them.
I did not get a sponsor. Maybe I should off the bat this time. Its just that I always think I know more than people, its bad I know, but I guess I gotta work on it.

If you have time, shoot me a picture of you 2 and the girls. Are you settled? Did you have a good wedding? Hows Lisa, I'm afraid to call her, she won't be happy, not that I relapsed, that I didn't call her.
I am not judging you--I lost the sight in my eye 14 months ago and my dad suffered like a m-fer finally died 1/30. The last thing other than food /cookies was how to take care of my Mom and sister. My sister flipped out went into a deep depression was put on meds and daily grief counseling thank god she is off all ,meds and back to that beautiful woman wife/mom

On the other hand yea I lost all the weight but tring a new med as sheet man briar I have been depressed. i work hard and then i start thinking of my dad and it sucks. Not that he died but what it did to my mom and how he suffered.

Regarding relapse Its hard to write.about it for me. but I relapsed a lot. Heavily and very lightly but WTF I am sober a long time of all the crap.

If your down to to my weight and walking in the pool/hot tub your doing great. Why even thin k about yesterday. You know why you went out and smoked some weed not the end of the world its all about today

Its so nice to see you back.

Jeff
Sorry to hog this thread, but I wanted to say that there was a feeling I can't explain while I was sober and going to meetings. I liked myself, I wanted to know more, learn more, I surprised myself in good ways, its hard to explain.
But I want that again. I got it by going to meetings, even when I didn't want to. But something changed in me. I'm taking my anger and dissapointment (don't do pity or crying) and channeling that into getting back what I had. I frigging know I can do this. (Unless I'm a casual user) but I know better. I keep saying that even tho I know. Hell, I used meth, whats to say if I don't stop now I won't pay $30 a pill and destroy my family? I just don't like anything to have this much control over me. I hate it. Because it scares me. There is no mind control over this whatsoever.
I know about your dad, how is mom? I didn't know about your eye. Jeff, did you put on alot of weight? That was the saving grace for me was taking the weight off. Feels way better. I didn't take 5 years and do it healthy, I just took it off and managed to keep it off. Knees hurt, but they are tolerable.
A little pain is okay.
I'm sorry your going thru all this. Are you still golfing? You didn't relapse, right? Did you get on narcotics or no? I don't judge, you do have alot of stuff going on, and if you did are you able to manage them? And most importantly, are you comfortable and keeping the physical and emotional pain to a minimum? Love ya Jeff. Did Lisa name that goofy dog after you?
So what stops you from starting today. F the past that is tough but necessary IMO to not relapse. JMO but that IS me minute i think about what I lost I forget how much I had to Lose. Rather haveIT AND lose it THEN NEVER HAD WHAT i WAS BLESSED WITH.

Even the EX did me a sold yesterday. That's a miracle LOL

i JUST WLAKED MY NEW DOG--20 MINUTES ITS ALOT FOR ME BUT HERE ITS NOT SO HOT. i PUT ON 10 GIVE OR TAKE 100 OF AN OUNCE AND TOOK IT OFF THE RIGHT WAY AND 5 MORE MEANS 132 WAS AT 152 AT ONE TIME. SO GETTING CLOSE TO MY GOAL. i WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT MUSCLE --SO GOING BACK NO MATTER HOW FRUSTRATING AND PLAYING GOLF. i CANT WAIT. THOUGH i MAY BREAK ALL MY CLUBS EXCEPT MY PUTTER BUT ITS A GREAT GAME . aND MAN rOSE ITS LIKE 110 HERE DURING THE DAY jUST tAN AND PRACTICE IN THE PAST. tHATS THE PLAN.

i AM VERY LUCKY TO HAVE MY MOMS PLACE THEY NEVER LET ME GO BUT NOW THAT HE IS DEAD THEY FEEL SORRY FOR MY MO SO BASICALLY aND i DO LOVE TREATED LIKE A KING. IT S JUST HOW IS YOUR MOM 100 TIMES A DAY BUT MY FATHER WAS VERY GOOD TO ALL THESE PEOPLE SINCE 199?3-4
The only person that's mad is you.Relapse isn't a prerequiste in this long journey but it does happen.If people got mad at everyone that relapsed and ostracized them,there wouldn't be many people left in the rooms.

August isn't responsible for your recovery,I'm not,no one is but you.You're beating yourself up and want others to join in.

Now if you continue to use and then come looking for sympathy,it's a different story.Nobody has the right to be mad at you,including you.

You made a mistake.You're human.Dust yourself off ,go get a keytag and start over again.I'll give you all the support as I'm sure everyone else on here will too.And yes,we congratulate everyone who has clean time whether it be 3 days or 30 years.This isn't a contest or a popularity rating.

I welcome you back with open arms Roe.Give yourself a break.This is a disease contingent on a daily reprieve.On a daily reprieve.You haven't been using long so buckle up for a short detox and welcome back.

You're never cured.90 days or 90 years.If you quit doing what is working,it's not long before that little fellow sitting on the other side of your shoulder says it will be o.k. to have a beer and some herb.As long as I don't touch opiates I'll be fine.It's the oldest and most common story around.It proclaims "I'm different than the rest of you guys".

We all love you.Now put the whips up and get into some action.
Thinking that relapse is part of recovery is wrong. That doesn't make any sense. Recovery means not using and getting better. Relapse is using. Relapse is part of the disease. There is a lot more to recovery than just not using. If just quitting drugs were the answer there would be no relapses. We'd all be able to just stop and never pick up again. We have to work on our spiritual side. I learned how to do that in AA but there are other ways if you think AA is not for you. We have to learn to change the way we think and thinking we can use socially or "as prescribed" is usually the first thing that needs to be changed. You can do this, Roe. Anybody can. But we can't think we're cured because that's just not going to happen. This disease is with us for the rest of our lives. We may start out using just a little but sooner or later it's going to blow up again. When you're done you'll know because you'll stop using.
Tim,
Your a sweetie. Its good to be back. I just thought I was stronger. I'm was angry, then ashamed, now determined to get it right.
I've been picking the past couple months apart and if I'm honest I did things I knew I shouldn't have and didn't do things I knew I should have because I heard it in the rooms or on here, does that make sense?

No Tim, nobody picked up but me. No overwhelming thing, I just made a choice and did it. My fault, my head is too thick at times. You couln't do it, August couldn't, (wouldn't I should say) Lisa, but I'm strong so I can. Thats just a dumb way to think.

Its over and you can fantasize about my size 8 a** in the AA meeting at noon, so I gotta go. I will check back later. Hope everythings good with you. Did you get another dog? Stay off the cigs? Tell me quick before I have to go.

August didn't answer, but I can guess: Do I have to start all over with ninety in ninety? And do I have to give my chips back? Love, Roe xo
Kat, isn't it funny that the people on the board (rooms too) know each other entirely too well? Its like we think alike, we scheme alike, we are alot alike. But if having friends like you guys has to come with a disease (not terminal), I'll take the disease too. I just got too damn cocky and thought I knew it all in a few months.
Love ya.
Learn from mistakes, cuz there can't be that many in this program. I knew as I went because certain thoughts didn't feel right and undoubtedly they led to actions. Should have stopped the thoughts before they became actions.
Not that I'm trying to disect this, I just want to be sure of what I did wrong in order to not repeat it. ya know? Hows hubby?
I feel bad for you, Roe. You've been a member here for 5 years and you're still struggling. I remember how hard it is. It took me almost 5 years after my first AA meeting before I finally figured out in order to be clean I needed to stop taking pills. I'm a slow learner too. Do 90 in 90 and then if you're smart you'll do another 90 in 90. Make friends with a couple women that have some time. Make friends with some newcomers. Use the phone numbers. How bad to you want it this time? If you want it bad enough you'll get it. Just think, no more withdrawal and no more pill counting. All it takes is some work.
smooch
Thanks Kat, I have been pretty clean for a couple weeks so w/d's aren't an issue, but I was ashamed to come on here. I really felt bad.

But when I quit before, I told my doctor and he cut me off. That was a huge supply, 240 15mg oxycodones a month.

This time, I tried to find one, got 2 rx's or 5mg percs and some pharmacy ratted me out. Which is good. So not only to I have to try harder I am too old and too cheap to buy pills off the street. I met a guy and his girlfriend (freaks) and they can get 30mg oxycodones for $30-50 dollars! I will admit I did buy two, but I'm blowing them off fast and I won't have a problem doing it either. And they're the only place I know to get them so thats good. Thanks for sending me the jokes the whole time.
my new email (mine got virusy) is iambobstwin@gmail.com. Some of the worst days I had, I'd turn on the computer, look ta emails and your jokes would make me smile, funny or not!
Roe...I am so far from mad at you, just scared for you. I've been gone all weekend dealing with my mother's situation so that's why I didn't respond.

I see alot of things in your posts..things that scare me. Things that you know aren't right. I think you know what you have to do but for some reason are fighting it. Give me a call if you feel like it, I'm not going to ream you..lol Just love you.

The picture was funny so that's why it was here. Like Tim said in another thread, we all need to laugh a little more around here. Personally, anything with the word "fart" sends me into hysterics.
Good to see you back, Roe.

You, like me, are one of the lucky ones that gets another shot at recovery. I bounced for a couple of years until it got to the point, and that bottom as described in the Big book, and I knew that even though I probably had another run in me, I didn't know if I had another recovery in me, I truly believe I was at the point of finding sobriety by death. See, I am told, that one way or another we all will get sober, either in recovery or jails, institutions or death.

I knew as I went because certain thoughts didn't feel right and undoubtedly they led to actions. Should have stopped the thoughts before they became actions.


This is why I have a sponsor and girlfriends in the program whom I share my thinking with, my feelings with so I don't take the actions that lead me back out there....my best thinking always got me loaded so now I rely on my HP, God and other women.

I hope you found forgiveness and hope at your meeting today....I'll repeat what I've heard continously for years....Just for today, don't drink or use, get a sponsor, go to meetings, work the steps.

xoxo
Stacey