I know some of you know my story already...the ex bf currently on probation for possession for 5 years (having served almost 4 of it so far)....claims he has been clean since he was busted four years ago...but continues to smoke pot and doesn't have to attend recovery meetings anymore...the man had been shooting heroin for over 25 years in addition to a myriad of other drugs.
He was canned from his job about a month ago....i was the first person he came to claiming he didn't have any friends or family to give him any money and he wasn't sure he was going to receive unemployment.
Well he finally received unemployment and it is a mere pittance that barely covers his rent and the basics and of course he hadn't saved any money in the five years on his temping janitorial job....he is 55 yrs old with multiple felonies and he hasn't been too successful in landing another job to date.
Suddenly i am history again....he promises to come by and never shows up and he won't return any of my calls.....his landlords say he leaves early in the morning and doesn't return to late at night and i know he doesn't have much gas money or money for anything else for that matter...but he always has pot tho'
I feel like he is avoiding me like the plague of late and i am suspicioning that he might be using heroin again and i just was wondering if it sounds like that to anyone else here too....oh yeah he always seems to have the 'flu' and has lost a lot of weight
MARY...i just feel so rejected again and wish
i knew what i did this time
Jeez Mary...YOU didnt do anything except feed his habit and offer him a place to stay...why in the name of God would you think it had ANYTHING to do with you ?? You need to get yourself over to the family board and let those good people talk some sense into you...JEEZ...YOUR fault...i cant even believe you would THINK that....Mary...Im an addict...I THINK like an addict..even when i dont think im thinking like one...I DO...and these people here KNOW that..and they kindly let me have my illusions at times...but im fooling nobody....im in active addiction....we USE people when were feeding a habit...your being USED Mary...sorry....i should be gentle...but ...this dude really soundslike hes taking you for the ride....
Mary,
If he is or isnt using how is ANY of this helping YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
If he is or isnt using how is ANY of this helping YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I know i know.....once again he blew me off...not showing up as promised and he won't return any of my calls...since supposedly we are just 'friends' he would not have any reservation about telling me that it is a woman that he is hanging out with all day and night and probably would have hit her up for money when he lost his job as he has done with his old landlords.
When did live together at one time he would disappear for days...knowing that i would take him back despite his using but now he resides with these old landlords that have come to depend on him and lend him money when need be and i doubt he would stay away for days as to arouse their suspicions.
they know nothing about his heroin addiction and he told them that he was currently serving probation for a felony involving fraud not trafficking reduced to possession..they don't even know he smokes pot...
it sounds mean and petty on my part but i hope he gets
caught but the old dude is too long in the tooth and seasoned
in his addiction to worry about the law on his tail
i am sure he is having a good laugh
at my expense once again
MARY
When did live together at one time he would disappear for days...knowing that i would take him back despite his using but now he resides with these old landlords that have come to depend on him and lend him money when need be and i doubt he would stay away for days as to arouse their suspicions.
they know nothing about his heroin addiction and he told them that he was currently serving probation for a felony involving fraud not trafficking reduced to possession..they don't even know he smokes pot...
it sounds mean and petty on my part but i hope he gets
caught but the old dude is too long in the tooth and seasoned
in his addiction to worry about the law on his tail
i am sure he is having a good laugh
at my expense once again
MARY
Mary,
AGAIN......how does any of this help YOU!?!?!?!
AGAIN......how does any of this help YOU!?!?!?!
Aren't you done...
I could have swore you were done...
Meaning over, meaning Mary is not driving herself insane anymore over what he is doing....
It doesn't matter, never really does if they are using or not using...
I could have swore you were done...
Meaning over, meaning Mary is not driving herself insane anymore over what he is doing....
It doesn't matter, never really does if they are using or not using...
you are wrong...it does matter...because if it is heroin and he prefers to hang out with those who are doing it for hours on end....then at least i know i am being rejected not because i am an unworthy stupid uncaring ugly heartless human being but because i refuse to do drugs in any way shape or form..
i know you are laughing and sneering at me for being so
distraught over this but my pain is very real and it is easier
to know that i am being rejected because i won't shoot heroin
not because i am unlovable...
MARY
i know you are laughing and sneering at me for being so
distraught over this but my pain is very real and it is easier
to know that i am being rejected because i won't shoot heroin
not because i am unlovable...
MARY
Mary,
It has nothing to do with laughing and sneering at you and everything to do with trying to get you to see that you are in a dark place over a person that CONTINUOSLY treats you less than how you feel you should be treated. For so long you have asked the same questions and get the same answers EVERY time! There is something that keeps you in this dark place.....maybe you have become comfortable with the drama of it all and believe me when I say that this is not to make fun of you or downplay your feelings but after all this time and all of the advice you have been given you would think that you have moved on instead of trying to figure out why and if you are being rejected by an ADDICT.....and so what if you are........AGAIN......how does any of this help YOU!?!?!
It has nothing to do with laughing and sneering at you and everything to do with trying to get you to see that you are in a dark place over a person that CONTINUOSLY treats you less than how you feel you should be treated. For so long you have asked the same questions and get the same answers EVERY time! There is something that keeps you in this dark place.....maybe you have become comfortable with the drama of it all and believe me when I say that this is not to make fun of you or downplay your feelings but after all this time and all of the advice you have been given you would think that you have moved on instead of trying to figure out why and if you are being rejected by an ADDICT.....and so what if you are........AGAIN......how does any of this help YOU!?!?!
Mary, I'm not an addict but I've heard enough addicts say it over and over again
"It's nothing to do with you. It's about the drugs....alcohol whatever..."
And you must have read that yourself a hundred times here.
So are you convinced now, my love?
If not, can you let us know what would it take to convince you? We want to help, because we care about you. Tell us how we might be able to convince you it's not about you, because we really want to because it's the truth.
Is it just possible Mary that you'reCHOOSING not to believe that truth because you have some issues of your own.....?.....and
AND
is it possible that your issues have as little to do with HIM as his issues have to do with you?
He is NOT the solution to your problems Mary, and he is NOT the issue either, is he?.....not really.....
Mary, you ARE lovable, worthy of a wonderful life, a beautiful, innocent, good child of the Universe and you have an absolute right to fair treatment, love, understanding, compassion and happiness.
There's your answer Mary. I swear to it's truth. God has moved me to swear on His Name that this is the truth Mary.....I swear by God that you are His child and so worthy of this life He gave you. You are lovable, fully deserving of respect from every other human being, deserving of fair treatment, compassion and deep, real love. I swear this by God and I open myself to whatever punishment He feels fit if this isn't His Truth.
Now what Mary?
Perhaps THAT'S what you should ask now. With respect, could this be your NEXT question Mary, Do you think you could accept my humble answer...God's answer through this humble servant and move on to this NEXT question......if your first one hasn't been answered now please let me know how we can answer it for you....
Possibly Mary's next question:
How do I, Mary, begin to accept in my heart and blood and bones this profound and unalterable Truth, that I, Mary, am infinitely lovable and worthy of deep respect, affection, love and kindness?
God bless you Mary. He really does.
"It's nothing to do with you. It's about the drugs....alcohol whatever..."
And you must have read that yourself a hundred times here.
So are you convinced now, my love?
If not, can you let us know what would it take to convince you? We want to help, because we care about you. Tell us how we might be able to convince you it's not about you, because we really want to because it's the truth.
Is it just possible Mary that you'reCHOOSING not to believe that truth because you have some issues of your own.....?.....and
AND
is it possible that your issues have as little to do with HIM as his issues have to do with you?
He is NOT the solution to your problems Mary, and he is NOT the issue either, is he?.....not really.....
Mary, you ARE lovable, worthy of a wonderful life, a beautiful, innocent, good child of the Universe and you have an absolute right to fair treatment, love, understanding, compassion and happiness.
There's your answer Mary. I swear to it's truth. God has moved me to swear on His Name that this is the truth Mary.....I swear by God that you are His child and so worthy of this life He gave you. You are lovable, fully deserving of respect from every other human being, deserving of fair treatment, compassion and deep, real love. I swear this by God and I open myself to whatever punishment He feels fit if this isn't His Truth.
Now what Mary?
Perhaps THAT'S what you should ask now. With respect, could this be your NEXT question Mary, Do you think you could accept my humble answer...God's answer through this humble servant and move on to this NEXT question......if your first one hasn't been answered now please let me know how we can answer it for you....
Possibly Mary's next question:
How do I, Mary, begin to accept in my heart and blood and bones this profound and unalterable Truth, that I, Mary, am infinitely lovable and worthy of deep respect, affection, love and kindness?
God bless you Mary. He really does.
It is to easy Mary, to easy to look at him in all that is he using, not using
Mary you are missing the obvious you know, always knew he was using, we ran this down once before. It doesnt matter what it is he is getting high, youve watched him get high recently enough to answer the question
High is high last time I checked, easily ascertainable if that is what one wants, oh any old drug will do in a pinch
Mary you have your own mirror you can look into and it will help you to start answering all them questions you need answered for you. He shows no answer, never will, you hold that key, always have and yet
When will Mary live again, see she is more then worth life, not this constant pain
I really always have believed that you feel you deserve the pain, are nothing more then the pain brought to your life through others, oh not just him Mary, not just him
Mary you are missing the obvious you know, always knew he was using, we ran this down once before. It doesnt matter what it is he is getting high, youve watched him get high recently enough to answer the question
High is high last time I checked, easily ascertainable if that is what one wants, oh any old drug will do in a pinch
Mary you have your own mirror you can look into and it will help you to start answering all them questions you need answered for you. He shows no answer, never will, you hold that key, always have and yet
When will Mary live again, see she is more then worth life, not this constant pain
I really always have believed that you feel you deserve the pain, are nothing more then the pain brought to your life through others, oh not just him Mary, not just him
Mary, we go back a long way, which is why I feel I can say this to you. Sometimes, dear friend, I feel like coming over and slapping you! How many times you been here? I know your pain is real, because you and I do the same thing. We assess our own worth by looking at ourselves through other people's eyes. He's a worthless piece of s***, that's been taking advantage of your good nature since the day you met. You're like a little puppy, rolling on your back, saying love me love me. And all you'll ever get from him is a kick in the ribs. So (I feel like I'm wasting my breath) stop judging yourself by the way he treats you, and start loving yourself, because his crappy actions have sweet FA to do with you. He's a junkie. He's never gonna be your prince charming, or anything close to it.
How many years have you been a rat to his Pied Piper? Stop dancing to his tune sweetheart. You keep repeating the same mistakes, and act surprised when you always get the same outcome. Mistakes only have value if you learn from them, and you are stubbornly refusing to do that.
Much love
Diff xxx
How many years have you been a rat to his Pied Piper? Stop dancing to his tune sweetheart. You keep repeating the same mistakes, and act surprised when you always get the same outcome. Mistakes only have value if you learn from them, and you are stubbornly refusing to do that.
Much love
Diff xxx
Dear Mary,
This song has helped me deal with a LOT of my fears. I share it with you in hopes that it helps you. It's a religious song that helped me to see that I was allowing my fears to control my life.
You Are Mine
I will come to you in silence,
I will lift you from all your fear.
You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice,
Be still and know I am here.
I am hope for all who are hopeless,
I am eyes for all who long to see.
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light, come and rest in me.
Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me, I will bring you home.
I love you and you are mine.
I am strength for all the despairing,
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame.
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free,
And all will know my name.
Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me, I will bring you home.
I love you and you are mine.
I am the Word that leads all to freedom,
I am the peace the world cannot give.
I will call your name, embracing all your pain,
Standup, now walk and live!
Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me, I will bring you home.
I love you and you are mine.
God loves you!
Love,
Susan
This song has helped me deal with a LOT of my fears. I share it with you in hopes that it helps you. It's a religious song that helped me to see that I was allowing my fears to control my life.
You Are Mine
I will come to you in silence,
I will lift you from all your fear.
You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice,
Be still and know I am here.
I am hope for all who are hopeless,
I am eyes for all who long to see.
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light, come and rest in me.
Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me, I will bring you home.
I love you and you are mine.
I am strength for all the despairing,
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame.
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free,
And all will know my name.
Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me, I will bring you home.
I love you and you are mine.
I am the Word that leads all to freedom,
I am the peace the world cannot give.
I will call your name, embracing all your pain,
Standup, now walk and live!
Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me, I will bring you home.
I love you and you are mine.
God loves you!
Love,
Susan
"You're like a little puppy, rolling on your back, saying love me love me. And all you'll ever get from him is a kick in the ribs."
Diff,
i felt both sick and ashamed of myself when i read the copied quote from your recent post to me...but it is so true true true true
he always makes ME feel responsible for HIS present circumstances...i didn't cause him to lose his job or be in financial debt.....he doesn't want anything to do with me unless i help him out financially which of late i have refused to do and this evening when i had spoken to him...he talked to me like i was a piece of garbage.
i never can get in touch with him anyhow usually as he leaves early in the morning and doesn't get back to his place until late at night....he isn't working so how can he afford to hang out all day with the 'secret people' and why doesn't he hit them up for money or not expect them to 'pay' for the pleasure of his company as i must do.
i don't really expect you to answer any of my questions....i just am feeling the aftermath of his talking to me like i was a bug on the phone recently....he sounded cranky like he was coming off of a high or needed one.
i still don't understand how he can hang with the old 'users' and still maintain he is clean..
love MARY
Diff,
i felt both sick and ashamed of myself when i read the copied quote from your recent post to me...but it is so true true true true
he always makes ME feel responsible for HIS present circumstances...i didn't cause him to lose his job or be in financial debt.....he doesn't want anything to do with me unless i help him out financially which of late i have refused to do and this evening when i had spoken to him...he talked to me like i was a piece of garbage.
i never can get in touch with him anyhow usually as he leaves early in the morning and doesn't get back to his place until late at night....he isn't working so how can he afford to hang out all day with the 'secret people' and why doesn't he hit them up for money or not expect them to 'pay' for the pleasure of his company as i must do.
i don't really expect you to answer any of my questions....i just am feeling the aftermath of his talking to me like i was a bug on the phone recently....he sounded cranky like he was coming off of a high or needed one.
i still don't understand how he can hang with the old 'users' and still maintain he is clean..
love MARY
Mary you said :
"he always makes ME feel responsible for HIS present circumstances"
Wrong. He doesnt make you feel anything - no-one has the power to make you feel anything.
You feel that way because you choose to feel that way.
If you didn't want to feel that way you would make him accountable for his own behaviour and move on with your life.
"he always makes ME feel responsible for HIS present circumstances"
Wrong. He doesnt make you feel anything - no-one has the power to make you feel anything.
You feel that way because you choose to feel that way.
If you didn't want to feel that way you would make him accountable for his own behaviour and move on with your life.
