I Am So Very Disappointed In Myself

I am kind of at a low right now. I havent been around much lately because I've had some major drama/obstacles/challenges. I tend to shut people out when I'm hurting and me and hubby's issues added to that, I shut down. Walked around here like a zombie. Didnt talk to him. The bottom line is this. I got more pills. I was doing so good, I got them from a legal, prescribed source, so legalaties I"m not worried about. Hubby is distraught. He wants to help so bad. Its a temporary fix, it just is. He found them and hid them from me. I actually got belligerent. ME I"m the most laid back happy go lucky person ever. I scared him I got so weird. So I have them. I can see my family is in pain. I'm in pain. I feel like such a failure.

The last two days I can do nothing but think about this and cry. I'm so tired. I"m tired of the cycle and the juggling so my family doesnt know ( yeah right ) that I"m using. Last night I broke down and sobbed to hubby. I told him I cant live like this. Its killing me. We have everything a person could want and I dont want to be here. I"m not suicidal, I"m just devastated.

Due to recent events it looks like we will have all 4 kids by the end of the year. What kind of role model/example am I for them? I"m not. The old saying, I really am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I did a search in my health plan for addictionologists and pain management docs.. Also addiction counselors. That was a bust though, not a one. Kaiser for ya.

I"ve been thinking about Sub. I dont want to trade one for the other but loud and clear I am not able to do this by myself. I want the life I know I can have. Right now I just dont think I can take it anymore. ( and again, I'm not suicidal, I think I've just the rock bottom )

Our marriage counseling is going so good. She is teaching us how to communicate with each other, because neither of us knows how to. Horrible childhoods and all that. Dysfunction Function whats your FUNCTION (lol). She told me flat out I need individual therapy. I have to many issues standing in the way of me being clean for longer than 6 months. She even went as far as to say, if you dont do this, I wont see you guys anymore. I was like HEY thats blackmail! She says with a big smile, yep it sure is..

I know I"m not on here a lot and dont talk to many people. Hell a lot of you probly dont even like me.. But brothers and sisters, I just need some positive. Some words of encouragement. To know I"m not alone. Hubby is great but since he's a normie he cant possibly have a clue thru no fault of his own,

Its at the point now I"m thinking about inpatient rehab which I cant possibly take the time off of work and keep my supervisory title and the money, because the insurance only pays so much. Despondant is the word I would use to describe me right now.

There are so many great people here. So much love. I guess I'm reaching out. This isnt about attention or the best thread. I really need some help from my family here. If you only knew how hard it is for me to ask for help you would know this is serious...

If I dont get clean and stay clean, I am going to die. Plain and simple. I know this. I feel it in my heart. And I'm scared as F*#^.

Thanks for letting me share...

Kelly
hi kelly,

I'm really feeling for you and your pain. All of us addicts have had the same gut wrenching dissapointment in ourselves. All i can say .... hell i dont know. I'm right where you are. Thinking of you xx

curlymane
Kelly,

First of all, Calm down. I could hear the pain in your voice and you sounded just like me four months ago.

I somehow thought I was hiding my use, but everyone knew...........my actions spoke volumes.

I hurt everyone around me, family, friends. My husband tried to help me many times and I only shut him out.

The longer this goes on , the harder the withdrawals will be. It sounds like you are in a place where you have had enough and know that you cant continue living like this.

I started the Suboxone the last of November. It has changed my life. It has given me a chance to start getting my life back together, making ammends, and my life will be much more manageable when it is time to come off the suboxone.

I do however want to be careful to not push the sub on you............It is an opiate, and there is a withdrawal process when coming clean from it. How long have you been using? Have you tried to cold turkey it before? I chose sub because I had tried everything and relapsed over and over, and my life was truly in danger. If this is the case with you, then I would consider the suboxone.

I was admitted to a rehab center two years ago.............I was there for 5 or 6 days and all they did was treat my medical withdrawal symptoms, I didnt learn anything about how to stay clean, the tools that takes, nothing. I relapsed within 30 days. I could not cope, and didnt know how. Make sure if you chose an impatient facility, you find one that also provides intensive therapy to give you the skills you need to STAY clean after you leave.

I feel for you, It is so painful to wake up every day and know you have to put a handful of pills in your mouth to even feel like getting out of bed. Then when I would run out, I would literally want to die. What a horrible cycle.

Think over your options. Keep talking with your husband. Try to find a plan that best fits your lifestyle and follow through.

Please let me know if there is anything in this world I can do to help...........My email is javagirl1976@hotmail.com.

Now is the time to take care of you.


It sounds like your on the right track Kelly but you just need time. I dont know enough of your situation to say whether sub is right for you but it does buy you some time to sort things out.

good luck whatever you decide
JD
Java.... I was clean for 6 months excluding a 3 day relapse... Story of my life. Quit using, good for a minute, then relapse. I feel like such a week person. Even though I make really good money, I make decent money but never used to have any because it all went for dope.

My DOC is a muscle relaxer for god's sake. Not a narcotic. I cant tell you how many people have told me, even medical professionals, its not narcotic, not a controlled substance, no problem. Well when you take 5 pills at a time and go thru a bottle of 120 in 3 days, its a problem...

I was doing so good. I cant believe I threw that away, but yet I can..

I"m gonna go smoke and call my mom. Her being an addict herself, recovered for over 10 years, she'll understand.

I"m thinking I'm at the end of the rope., These stupid pills effect every single goddamned thing in my life, big or small. I want out. Yeah. I want out.

Kelly
Oh, I believe you when you say Soma is addictive. I used to take them with the Oxy. I know that soma can build up in your system and can be deadly.

It dosent matter what anyone says.................If this is a problem for you.........Then it is...............No matter if they say you "cant" get addicted.

Obviously they are wrong, because you are.

Have you spoke to a Dr. about Suboxone and if it would be helpful in your situation. Do you have withdrawal symptoms if you stop taking it?

I am going to do a little searching online and see if I can find anything that might be helpful for you. If so, I will post you a link.

Please keep posting whenever you can.



Kelly

Girl I was just thinking about you a second ago. Really I swear I was...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You really were doing wonderful, and I know how you feel... a change is made, it's going good, and then bam, you can't handle things.

You are so lucky to have a husband that cares about you and is willing to HELP you!
All you have to do is try it again. One day, one minute, one second at a time. You were clean for SOOO long, you know you can do it, and if you don't I DO!

Here's my email in case you don't have it, although I think you do
kaylinsmom440@yahoo.com

I'm pretty sure I have yours on here. I'm here if you want to talk. You have been there rooting for me since this past november, can you believe that?? I'm rooting for you.

Love
stac
kelly,
First of all I am sorry for your pain and guilt... and I know what if going to follow in this post will sound harsh but I dont mean for be harsh just honest and give it to you staight.... I dont know what you did for those months to get and stay clean but.... here is my best advise to you and it works...

First nothing is worth using over and you know that as you said it is a temporary fix.... get it out of your head that using is an option for anything.... it just cant be an option period.. if you dont get that you have reservations and they will take you back out..... you as an addict can not control your use.... Many of us had been exactly where you are... divorces, dog dies, kids are mean, ect... no exuses to use......

Get to meetings or other face to face support from other recovering addicts ... this is especially important early on. They can help and understand plus it gets you out of your own crap for a while.

Burn your bridges,,, tell your doctors what you are doing.... as long as you have a source then you will use it.... Can you honestly say that if you hadnt had that open door and had time to think about what you were doing, time to call your mom before you used.. time to really think outside of the stress, would you have used?.. maybe but it wouldnt have been so easy.... so.... Cut your sources...

lastly... make a gratetude list and a list of why you need/want to quit... these list will be for you to refer to later as well as now to remind you when things get tough....

you might consider counseling or rehab... in rehab.. ( not detox which many confuse as rehab) which is usually 2-4 wks they teach you coping skills and tool to deal ....

I know you are hurting but relaspes are not enevitable and not to be exused. You have a disease that is not your fault but the treatment and doing what you need to do is your responsiblity.... Beating yourself up now while normal isnt productive... do something new this time... find out what your weaknesses are and avoid them....

just a few suggestions... I hope you take this in the manner that it is intended.. I want you to succeed. I will be thinking of you.

God Bless
Teresa
Kelly I read your post & skipped over other replys because I felt the need to tell you huny you are NOT HATED & you are not some screw up.Hun your an addict & that addiction is a strong powerful pull.Do you realize how many of us have done just what you did?We all I feel have started to do great & than BAMB for some reason we back slide.
I wish you would post more.The better we get to know you the better we may be able to help.
First & foremost YOU ARENT ALONE.Though you may feel as if you are locked inside your own prison we are here.We have felt as you do,we at least I know I myself have HATED what I was letting happen,And wanting to stop & just NOT being able is so heartbreaking.
But Kelly your here that shows that you long for a better way.
As for the Sub Ill tell you one of the MAIN reasons I desided to do it was because I tried so many times to taper off & CT & I just could not do it.I think Sub may help,it can give you the chance to find the tools you need,& the support that can help you from relapsing.Of course its something to put alot of thought into but I know it made a big difference in my life.
Kelly you are wanted here & your needed here....mj
mj... morning... I dont think sub will work for non-narcotics like soma or other muscle relaxers...

you are right.. insolating isnt good and is what our disease wants us to do....

kelly listen to mj.. she truely has been there and done that esp the isolating thing... she is a miricle working in process...as we all are... and you are not alone.... ( sorry if i forgot to say that better the first time....)

Teresa

Tesea Thank you so much.I hope you realize that your support & kind words mean alot to me.
Yes I know all about isolation.It can at time be deadly.when you do that I feel that your mind can actually work against you.
Kelli hun by you still comming here shows you know you want better.Trust me when I say we all will help as much as we can......NEVER STOP BELIEVING HUN!!!
Start helping yourself and life will work out. Seeking treatment is probably your best end. I like what someone wrote here once so I will pass it on. You cannot save your a** and your face at the same time. Go get help. If you can't do inpatient do outpatient. But please understand you are worth saving. Your not getting any better by not doing anything. Lots of love and hang in there. But please please do something for yourself your worth it.
I like that jane, you can't save your a** and your face at the same time. lol that was enlightening.


stacey
Kelly....I went into detox last June....by August I had relapsed due to Lupus flare....then started over.....shingles in Oct.....more oxy. I've had an awful time but it has been a few months now and I take it day by day. Don't be too hard on yourself...it never works. Self loathing only makes you want to use more. You have my love and support....Sharonn
Kel

Sweetie, I dont want you to build up a lot of hope for Sub, cause im thinking that sub is only for a narcotic withdrawal..or an opiate...Soma as you know doesnt fit that category...

Im wondering if you are craving the Soma because your body and mind needs something to slow down, and your self medicating with Soma to try to achieve this....have you ever been tested with a Homeopathic Dr and had your Hormones, GABA, norepinephrine, serotonin, etc...checked???

The book "The Mood Cure" talks about the fact that often when we are low in one thing or another in our brains or bodies, we automatically self medicate with chocolate, caffeine or drugs to try to correct it....

Have you ever been on an antidepressant?? Do you have anxiety??? Have you ever tried GABA?? Perhaps you could talk to your Dr about this...sometimes if you are really low in serotonin or your adrenals are exhausted, you feel so lousy, and when you feel lousy your more likely to want to reach for something that in the past made you feel good...

But once you start feeling better, have more serotonin, endorphins,, etc...you may not feel the need for the Soma anymore..

Food for thought...

Im rooting for you...

Hugs

Ali
Ali you are so sweet. Yep, I'm on celexa AND i'm taking that adrenal gland supplement that was recommended.

I have no idea why I crave them so much recently. There has been more than one person should handle times 3. Thank god for hubby. He is my rock.

I just feel so weak. And clearly my character is lacking as well. I have 4 kids total! If you combine mine and his. What kind of example am I setting? No I never TAKE them in front of them but all of us here on this board knows, they DO know I'm taking them.

Why is it I can make it thru a shift at work, but the second I get home, even before I put my lunchbox and briefcase down, I have them downed? Dont get me wrong, THIS time it just started two days ago.

I am so very frustrated with myself, I lack the words to describe it.

AM I EVER GOING TO GET WELL?

Kelly
Hey Kel

Somehow i hit "New tab and totally lost my post to you...dang i hate it when that happens...

Of COURSE you are gong to get well Honey...I know it with every fiber in my being....You want it badly, you dont want to be taking them and thats half the battle right there...


I forgot you were on the celexa...make sure you check with your Dr...mine told me that people on Celexa have to have their dosages increased to continue to work...could you be starting to slip because your becoming tolerant to your dose of AD?

Kel, I would reccomend you keep a diary.....since this is not a naqrc, and since you are not starting them again because you are having terrible withdrawal, you have to entertain the thought that maybe yo reach for them again solely because of your emotions and are self medicating because of them...

A habit takes 27 days...( i read that or saw that a couple weeks ago..lolol) and think how long you have been taking that Soma....your brain associates it with feeling better, so its only natural that when you have an emotionaly distressed day, your "habit" would still be there, even though you have stopped taking them...

IMO you just have to replace the taking of Soma with another habit....it can be Vitamin C ( water soluble so cant o.d. on it..lolol) or exercise, or yoga- find something that will become a habit and what you turn to when your feeling stressed...

I promise you that if everytime you can stay away from the Soma more an more, you will break your brains habit of reaching for it....It would help to replace it though....just like smokers...they need to replace the "reward system," with gum or mints or something else until smoking is no longer a habit..

Please dont beat yourself up to much, dont give up hope...doing so can only hurt you..be mad at yourself sure...but dont throw in the towel....your on the right road....and going over a few bumps...thats all..

If you can keep a diary, i would do so Honey....see what the consistencies are when you have fallen....what were the triggers, what day of your cycle was it etc....

You can do this...you have my email...dont be afraid to use it..

Hugs and Love

Ali
Kelly, even though our DOC's are miles apart, soma and cocaine....reading your story was like reading mine. A husband and family who love you, want to help, but don't understand

I sense that same despair, wanting to stop and going right back out and using again...in my experience the only way for me to get and stay clean was to go into rehab.

I wish you the best on your road to recovery. Teresa had some really good stuff to say...listen to it.

Love ya!!!!
Hey there, My heart really goes out to you. I know about relapsing and gettiing clean again and getting so frustrated that I could never stay clean. I have to agree with terressa's post. I think you should maybe look into a rehab or something. This is your life we are talking about and you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Owe and I know about somas. I use to take them with all of my pain meds. They are very addictive and when you have been on them so long you do have withdrawals from them. I have no idea why they are not a narcotic. The last I heard they were trying to make it one. Most doctors and especially pharmacist see the abuse and know that addicts love those things. So I dont know why your doctor is telling you they are not addictive. They most certainly are. That says alot about the medical field. All I know to tell you is to do something about this and it is up to you to get clean. You know you have this disease and you can continue using and stay in the hell you are living in or get help. it is up to you. You know you do have a choice and you were 6 months clean and relapsed. You need to figure out what made you go back out and this time when you get clean you need to work on staying clean. I know you are in pain right now but I am just telling you like I see it. So please get help for yourself. Didnt you read ali's post on her friend dying on somas. It blew me away. I had no idea you could actually die on somas. There has been many of times when all I had were somas and would take like 20 to make me go to sleep and I would get all retarded acting and could not control my muslces or anything and really look retarded. My mother would tell me the next day how I acted and I could never remember. But when I read ali's post on her friend and her overdosing on them it was a big wake up call for me. I actually had it in the back of my head that if I ever wanted to catch a buzz that I could take somas and that would be ok because there not narcotic.

Thank god I have not deisred a buzz or anything like that but it was a godsend about ali's friend and what happened to her. I knew then I could never touch anything again.

I know you know what you need to do and that is to get clean and stop using. you know you have this disease and only you can do something about it. So I suggest you start working towards that and get off the somas. However you do it. Again you say you are not suicidal but keep on living this lifestyle and that is exactly what you are. Everytime you throw those pills in your mouth you could die. So please get help before something bad happens to you.

Out of love and concern,
April