Hey, havent even read any other posts on this forum yet, i just gotta vent, i am a 30 yo single male from melbourne australia and am writing to you all after being one month clean, one month clean.....i imagine some of you are like yeah crazy, well done and all that.....this time i relepsed after ten years clean, i built a career and a pretty good life in those ten years, only to tear it down with a 400 dollar a day habit which has cost me everything. i went cold turkey this time round , wanted to make sure i felt it so i wouldnt go back again, yeah it was harrowing to say the least, after 8 days i went and spent my last 1200 bucks on a naltrexone implant, turns out the implant is severly infected, it looks dodgy , open weeping wound about 6cm in diameter, so i sit here now, i drink a lot these days to stop me thinking about alll the horrible things, ie my health, the creditors chasing me, my lack of work, my lack of self esteem and i wonder.......how did i get here? i swore i would never come back to this life the last time i cleaned up, but i did, was one moment of weakness man, i dont know about the rest of you but for me once you have had it there is no one off taste, i remember my first hit this time round and after ten years , i remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror shaking my head rushing intensely thinking what have i done? well that question was answered 14 months later when i got caught shooting up in my office. there is no point to this message, just dispair, i just dont feel like anyone understands any of it, there is such a stigma attatched to it, anyone i am stupid enough to talk to about it freaks out and bails, i am sure a lot of you have experienced this, so what to do then?.....stay clean for sure......but at what cost? in terms of cost i mean, what ...to have this infected implant in me?.....to drink excessivley?....at the cost of my poor liver which is feeling the strain after 12 years of being hep c positive, at the cost of yesterday developing a very strange rash on my hands and feet which i am sure is a combination of the implant, my drinking and all the anti biotics i have been taking to try and combat it. i know this sounds like a total cop out, i really dont care either, yeah this s*** is hard....just hope there is someone out there who can identify with it....peace out
Welcome Guy in Aus,
Well done on 30 days. Sounds like you've been through it. You're under so much stress I can just feel it. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Don't use for today and take one or two tasks to clean up the mess and try to do them. It's so hard I know. Try to lay off the alcohol. It only makes it worse. Even the jones is worse if you drink hard. You can make some good friends here who have been through/done all the same things. Who understand and will offer a welcoming hand. You're in a precarious position and need people who are like you. Maybe a NA meeting? I've never gone, but they help a lot of people. Keep coming back Guy and don't give up. It';; get worse and worse.
God Bless, BEck
Well done on 30 days. Sounds like you've been through it. You're under so much stress I can just feel it. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Don't use for today and take one or two tasks to clean up the mess and try to do them. It's so hard I know. Try to lay off the alcohol. It only makes it worse. Even the jones is worse if you drink hard. You can make some good friends here who have been through/done all the same things. Who understand and will offer a welcoming hand. You're in a precarious position and need people who are like you. Maybe a NA meeting? I've never gone, but they help a lot of people. Keep coming back Guy and don't give up. It';; get worse and worse.
God Bless, BEck
hey, thanks for the reply, is like a life line you wouldnt believe!!!
You hang tough Guy. You sound like you're in hell. You don't have to do this alone. You are not alone. Things can and will get better. 30 days is a hard place to be, but I now you really want it. How are you sleeping?
I sleep ok, i drink myself to sleep most nights so yeah i get into a deep sleep quick, but i think this implant is giving me some very strange dreams, i sleep soundly till i dream, then i wake up sweating, get up dry myself off go back to sleep and continue on with the same dream, i gotta say it is a bit of a trip....i can wake up several times and continue on with the same dream right where i left off, would be quite cool if they were good dreams....my doc wont give me s*** so far as benzos go which is good i am sure, but i would kill to feel relaxed and sleep soundly all night
I still don't sleep all that soundly. If I can at least stay in bed for 8 hours I think I'm doing good. The dreams might be from the implant. I hope it gets better. I never thought about those getting infected. Again, I'd be careful with the drinking. If you can handle the hangovers, you're tougher then me. Those keep me from getting too loaded. Are you working now Guy?
Nah on a sickness pension, it barely pays the rent besides all the other s*** i racked on the gear....i was a real estate agent earning good coin....so instead of theiving and robbing people this time round i massed a huge debt with the banks and other various finacial institutions, now they are chasing me like crazy, getting maybe ten calls a day, wouldnt be suprised if i walked outside and found that my car had been towed tomorrow, i really dont know hey....its pretty crazy right now, i have even started parking my car two blocks away so if they come they wont be able to find it!!!!.....even i laugh at that haha
Man, that's tough Guy. Is there anything like Bankruptsy (sp) in Aus? Here in the U.S. when people get in over their heads, they can declare Bankruptsy and have a court discharge their debt somehow. It screws up thier credit history, but gets the as$ho!e creditors off thier backs. I saw where you're family helps to keep you busy. So important. Sitting around in hell isn't good. Be good to yourself. Maybe stop answering the phone.
so tell me about you then intoodeep, your nick sounds pretty ominous!!
Yeah my family are totally cool, they dragged me through it once and now they are doing it again...although my mum said this is the last time, yeah we got bankruptcy here.....prob the same in the states as it is in australia, we pretty much mirror u.s policy, i dont wanna go there yet though, yeah i am against the wall but f*** bankruptcy......thats the last resort, i tried not answering the phone, they started coming around knocking on the door, last dude i just told him straight out that i dont have any coin but i will pay my debts when i am back on my feet, apart from that i have been in hiding.......lost everything hey, my job, my girl, even my dog!!!!......but the car will be the last straw......once that is gone its a real uphill battle, no way, will move to queensland and take the car with me before they get their hands on it!!
Me, I'm just a drug addict. I haven't done heroin in better then 20 years, but had a good run at it then. I got intoodeep on oxycontin this time around. It was a lot worse for me then the heroin. I got clean for a long time after marrying, but I have a messed up back which led to a long pill history. I've got a couple of years off of most of it. I came here at about a week of the oxy, but still had a real battle with the benzos and other stuff as well. I remember the desperation quite well. I have kids at home and a job that requires buttoned down types. Thus far, I've mananged to keep them fooled. It was a long hard road.
I was able to keep up with the debt for the most part, but like the rest of us, I shudder to think of all the money I've spent on dope.
What time is it in Aus.?
I was able to keep up with the debt for the most part, but like the rest of us, I shudder to think of all the money I've spent on dope.
What time is it in Aus.?
its around 11pm thursday, quite drunk, listening to some cool tunes
haia guy in aus
hope your feeling beter about yourself,we could go mad thinking of all the money ,time,relationships,weve wasted while being addicted,me and my bf were looking at televisionsthe other day ,therre was this really nice big screen,one of the new thin ones you know,but at 700 we thought it was too much money,only to go and meet our dealer less than an hour later and hand over 500 for enough heroin for 4/5 days,how mad (stupid)is that,its all part of the fun of being addicted!!
take care
jul
hope your feeling beter about yourself,we could go mad thinking of all the money ,time,relationships,weve wasted while being addicted,me and my bf were looking at televisionsthe other day ,therre was this really nice big screen,one of the new thin ones you know,but at 700 we thought it was too much money,only to go and meet our dealer less than an hour later and hand over 500 for enough heroin for 4/5 days,how mad (stupid)is that,its all part of the fun of being addicted!!
take care
jul
Hey Gus,
Hope that implant is looking better...........that sounds nasty........thanks for posting.........you immediately gave me a good "Whoa"........I say that when I hear someone has been clean for ten, twenty, twenty five years.......and what happens is exactly what happened to you........that brings me into focus.
You are in good hands with Beck........she's awesome.......hope you come back and let us know how you are.........I'm sorry for your sorrow, but ya came here..........that means something.
Catch ya soon I hope........oh Bryn recovering heroin addict coming up on three years clean.........oh yeah I'm a lunatic as well.......Haaaaaaa......hang on Gus!
Hope that implant is looking better...........that sounds nasty........thanks for posting.........you immediately gave me a good "Whoa"........I say that when I hear someone has been clean for ten, twenty, twenty five years.......and what happens is exactly what happened to you........that brings me into focus.
You are in good hands with Beck........she's awesome.......hope you come back and let us know how you are.........I'm sorry for your sorrow, but ya came here..........that means something.
Catch ya soon I hope........oh Bryn recovering heroin addict coming up on three years clean.........oh yeah I'm a lunatic as well.......Haaaaaaa......hang on Gus!
Hey there Guy in Aus, my name is Sean and I am in Melbourne too.
Where about's in Melbourne are you?
There are options for dealing with your creditors and there is help for you out there... I would be happy to hook you up if you need a hand.
If your implant is infected you should go back where you had it inserted and let them deal with it. Oral Natrexone is an option and you can get it on the PBS if you aproach it the right way with the Dr.
my email is sean@mc2.vicnet.net.au if you want to have a yack.
hooroo
Where about's in Melbourne are you?
There are options for dealing with your creditors and there is help for you out there... I would be happy to hook you up if you need a hand.
If your implant is infected you should go back where you had it inserted and let them deal with it. Oral Natrexone is an option and you can get it on the PBS if you aproach it the right way with the Dr.
my email is sean@mc2.vicnet.net.au if you want to have a yack.
hooroo
