I didnt write this. Not sure who did. But sending a huge thank you & big big hugs to her!!! Also sending hugs to each of you <3
Lynn
***********
I am the Mother of an Addict
This is not like being the mother of a child with cancer, diabetes or aids
This is not like being the mother of a child who is serving with honor in a foreign land
This is not like being the mother of a child who lives no more and is mourned by all
I am the Mother of an Addict
There are no marathons or fund raisers for this disease, no sweet girls selling cookies
There are no flags flying, or bumper stickers to proudly acknowledge my childs deeds
There are only tears and silent screams, dread of what the next knock or phone call brings
I am the Mother of an Addict
I see my child and I am not glad, for though I ache to save my child, with relief I let them go
I see my child with fear and suspicion, as I hear all they say and I can but endlessly hope
I see my child and wonder will I ever know them again, hold them again, see them again
I am the Mother of an Addict
They say it is not my fault, that I did nothing wrong, theres little I can do
They say it is not my childs fault, just a disease of disgrace, with no pity, no cure
They say be strong, but my life stands still and my friends and relatives move on
I am the Mother of an Addict
I watch the rest of my family suffer with sorrow and pain through the addiction
I watch the evening news and cringe as another mothers addict child is arrested and called scum
I watch a young man beg for change, for food and know he could be my own
I am the Mother of an Addict
I remember the smiles and look at pictures of my sweet little child
I remember the hugs, and kisses, the scrapped knees, the soccer games
I remember their plans, their goals, their hopes and dreams
I am the Mother of an Addict
I look for my child to come home, to call, and so I do not sleep
I look for my child to find the strength to battle this terrible disease
I look for solace, for help, for a cure and I grasp at what straws of promise I can
I am the Mother of an Addict
And I hope, in endless hope for a future free from drugs
And I hope in restless sleep of a way out of this nightmare
And I hope, and I pray, and I cry, and I plead, but forever I love my child.
Well said, everything that is in our hearts and soul
Great to "see" you again hurtingmom! Wow-this is so spot on. Cried a few tears. I wish everyone could read this. It is so true and completely describes what we are going through. So many times, I have to check myself-it is hard not to get angry and hurt about the lack of support and understanding. : ( . Thanks for sharing. It meant a lot!!
I hate the fact that this poem is spot on. I also shed some tears. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. This is sadly so true.... and something many of us are living.
Just when I thought I had no tears left. Thanks for posting - nice to see you HM.
Today my daughter asked if I ever loved her and I really had to try hard to remember when I loved her. I don't know who this person is.
Thought you might be gone. Glad you are still around and thanks for posting this.
Whoever wrote it just makes me sad. For 18-19 yrs Ive tried and done everything to help my daughter. All this might be true but it doesnt help me any to be told it. If anything it cuts like a knife. I am a very sane person and Im being sadly realistic. There are no magic words or poems or speeches that help the pain of on going drug addiction.
Hey ya'll!!! Yes . . . I'm still around. LOL. Just been on the down-low.
Honestly, some times I am jealous of ya'll and feel I simply can't offer helpful advice anymore. It's hard for me to say, "Detach with love" and "Don't enable" to you when I know in my heart of hearts, if J was still on this side of the grass, I would lavish love & attention on her. Lord knows that my detaching and not enabling did not save her . . . could not save her. So, now . . . almost 2 years since I got the call that we all dread . . . I want nothing more than to hug and love my child 24/7/365.
On the other hand, the only way that I've gotten through J's addiction and the last 2 years is because of your love & support. I got the strength and courage to not enable and detach with love because of ya'll. Ya'll allowed me to lean on you and learn from you. So . . . I'll always be around. To pay it forward . . .
Sending hugs to all,
Lynn
xoxo
Honestly, some times I am jealous of ya'll and feel I simply can't offer helpful advice anymore. It's hard for me to say, "Detach with love" and "Don't enable" to you when I know in my heart of hearts, if J was still on this side of the grass, I would lavish love & attention on her. Lord knows that my detaching and not enabling did not save her . . . could not save her. So, now . . . almost 2 years since I got the call that we all dread . . . I want nothing more than to hug and love my child 24/7/365.
On the other hand, the only way that I've gotten through J's addiction and the last 2 years is because of your love & support. I got the strength and courage to not enable and detach with love because of ya'll. Ya'll allowed me to lean on you and learn from you. So . . . I'll always be around. To pay it forward . . .
Sending hugs to all,
Lynn
xoxo
Hi, Lynn! (*smooches*) I can't begin to understand what you and the other mom's have gone through because I was on the addict side of addiction!
Enabling is a huge buzzword in the recovery community, but as I have grown in my recovery, I look at it a bit differently.
First of all, no matter what someone was or was not as a parent, they did not "cause" the addiction! There are people who grow up in horrific circumstances and never pick up a drink or a drug. Addiction runs through some families like a river while others have just one lone addict. The one thing I have learned through therapy is that even if I had different parents, a different upbringing etc. I KNOW I would have still been an addict! Since I was a very small child, I knew something wasn't right. I remember standing in front of the mirror at three and wondering what was wrong with me...no one had ever said anything to me to make me think this...it was intrinsic to my soul. Also when I was young (school aged), I remember locking my bedroom door and laying on the floor with my head under the bed. When I did that, it took away my anxiety because no one could see me and I could close my eyes and shut out the outside world. That feeling (the something is intrinsically wrong with me and I hated myself)followed me through my entire life and when I was vulnerable (that was after my horrible horseback riding accident) and exposed to the painkillers they were treating me with, addiction took hold and wouldn't let go.
My parents were very loving and supportive. I excelled academically (please ignore my spelling mistakes and grammatical errors here! lol), I was on student counsel, I played flute and was awarded first chair in All State Band, I played softball, I did school plays etc. I never was bullied in school and had a big group of friends. Yet, addiction still came knocking! I suffered from anorexia/bulimia and was hospitalized between my junior and senior year of high school. Eating disorders are very much an addiction.
I know I say this in virtually every post, but, hey, let me throw it out there again. Addiction has very little to do with the substance we ingest and EVERYTHING to do with how we interpret and react to the world around us. You can insert food, gambling, sex, compulsive shopping for drug addiction. The substances may be different, but boy, oh boy the behaviors are exactly the same!!!!
Like Lynn said, detaching with love and not enabling did not save her daughter. Unfortunately, (here it comes...something else I always say!) addiction can be looked at a bit like cancer. Some people will get cancer and nip it in the bud, some will get into remission only to be heartbroken a few months/years later with a recurrence and have to battle all over again and then there are those who have agressive cancers that take them quickly. Addiction has these same "levels" if you will and the sad reality is that the addict we love can succumb to this potentially fatal disease. (I have tears flowing for you Lynn as I think about how much your family has been through...*big hug*)
Sorry, this is so long winded! One last thing if anyone is even awake after reading this wall of words. There is much debate about enabling. My only experience is witnessing it during my addiction (though, at the time, I was NOT aware of the word codependent! I simply was trying to get people to support my self-destruction and do my bidding!)!) so that is where my view point is originating.
I consider it enabling when a loved one does something for the addict that they should be able to do at their age. I have heard some frustrated family members complain that their addict isn't mature enough to make decisions and that might be true. However, the only way they will ever learn is by doing. If you had kids, I will bet you didn't walk for them so they wouldn't get hurt. They fall down and getting back up. Sometimes they will get hurt and cry and sometimes they will be frustrated and throw a hairy fit, but that is how each of us learnedd to walk. Even at a year old we let our kids experience gravity as they fall to the ground and we cheer them on when they get back up! The whining that can happen during this period of learning is part of the process. If we carried our children around all the time and never let them try (and perhaps fail) on their own, they would never have learned this valuable skill. Learning comes by doing. There will probably be some loud protests along the way, but it is just noise..ignore the drama!
The one thing I have to say about my experience with my family when they FINALLY stopped enabling, I began to grow. Not right away of course, but every time I was able to experience life, bumps and all, I would gain self confidence! Little by little I worked through the muck of my life and started putting the pieces back together. Anytime you do for an addict what he or she is capable of doing by themselves is enabling. Even if you think they are too far gone, too immature, too whatever, they should be held to the same standards as anyone else their age. Will they screw up and fail? Yes! More than once? Probably. But they should, even in the face of failure, be held responsible and face the outcome..again we learn by doing.....
I swear...THIS is my final paragraph! It might be helpful to know that not enabling is as much for you as it is for the addicted loved one. When you finally step back from the behavior, you will have more energy to put into hobbies, work, other relationships etc. While you are doing this, you are providing a positive roll model for them to emulate AND you are able to build a new, healthy and happy life!!! You didn't cause the addiction and you cannot make someone recover! You CAN, however, focus on yourself and building the life you desire.
p.s. I didn't reread or spell check this, so hope you read with caution!!!!!!
Enabling is a huge buzzword in the recovery community, but as I have grown in my recovery, I look at it a bit differently.
First of all, no matter what someone was or was not as a parent, they did not "cause" the addiction! There are people who grow up in horrific circumstances and never pick up a drink or a drug. Addiction runs through some families like a river while others have just one lone addict. The one thing I have learned through therapy is that even if I had different parents, a different upbringing etc. I KNOW I would have still been an addict! Since I was a very small child, I knew something wasn't right. I remember standing in front of the mirror at three and wondering what was wrong with me...no one had ever said anything to me to make me think this...it was intrinsic to my soul. Also when I was young (school aged), I remember locking my bedroom door and laying on the floor with my head under the bed. When I did that, it took away my anxiety because no one could see me and I could close my eyes and shut out the outside world. That feeling (the something is intrinsically wrong with me and I hated myself)followed me through my entire life and when I was vulnerable (that was after my horrible horseback riding accident) and exposed to the painkillers they were treating me with, addiction took hold and wouldn't let go.
My parents were very loving and supportive. I excelled academically (please ignore my spelling mistakes and grammatical errors here! lol), I was on student counsel, I played flute and was awarded first chair in All State Band, I played softball, I did school plays etc. I never was bullied in school and had a big group of friends. Yet, addiction still came knocking! I suffered from anorexia/bulimia and was hospitalized between my junior and senior year of high school. Eating disorders are very much an addiction.
I know I say this in virtually every post, but, hey, let me throw it out there again. Addiction has very little to do with the substance we ingest and EVERYTHING to do with how we interpret and react to the world around us. You can insert food, gambling, sex, compulsive shopping for drug addiction. The substances may be different, but boy, oh boy the behaviors are exactly the same!!!!
Like Lynn said, detaching with love and not enabling did not save her daughter. Unfortunately, (here it comes...something else I always say!) addiction can be looked at a bit like cancer. Some people will get cancer and nip it in the bud, some will get into remission only to be heartbroken a few months/years later with a recurrence and have to battle all over again and then there are those who have agressive cancers that take them quickly. Addiction has these same "levels" if you will and the sad reality is that the addict we love can succumb to this potentially fatal disease. (I have tears flowing for you Lynn as I think about how much your family has been through...*big hug*)
Sorry, this is so long winded! One last thing if anyone is even awake after reading this wall of words. There is much debate about enabling. My only experience is witnessing it during my addiction (though, at the time, I was NOT aware of the word codependent! I simply was trying to get people to support my self-destruction and do my bidding!)!) so that is where my view point is originating.
I consider it enabling when a loved one does something for the addict that they should be able to do at their age. I have heard some frustrated family members complain that their addict isn't mature enough to make decisions and that might be true. However, the only way they will ever learn is by doing. If you had kids, I will bet you didn't walk for them so they wouldn't get hurt. They fall down and getting back up. Sometimes they will get hurt and cry and sometimes they will be frustrated and throw a hairy fit, but that is how each of us learnedd to walk. Even at a year old we let our kids experience gravity as they fall to the ground and we cheer them on when they get back up! The whining that can happen during this period of learning is part of the process. If we carried our children around all the time and never let them try (and perhaps fail) on their own, they would never have learned this valuable skill. Learning comes by doing. There will probably be some loud protests along the way, but it is just noise..ignore the drama!
The one thing I have to say about my experience with my family when they FINALLY stopped enabling, I began to grow. Not right away of course, but every time I was able to experience life, bumps and all, I would gain self confidence! Little by little I worked through the muck of my life and started putting the pieces back together. Anytime you do for an addict what he or she is capable of doing by themselves is enabling. Even if you think they are too far gone, too immature, too whatever, they should be held to the same standards as anyone else their age. Will they screw up and fail? Yes! More than once? Probably. But they should, even in the face of failure, be held responsible and face the outcome..again we learn by doing.....
I swear...THIS is my final paragraph! It might be helpful to know that not enabling is as much for you as it is for the addicted loved one. When you finally step back from the behavior, you will have more energy to put into hobbies, work, other relationships etc. While you are doing this, you are providing a positive roll model for them to emulate AND you are able to build a new, healthy and happy life!!! You didn't cause the addiction and you cannot make someone recover! You CAN, however, focus on yourself and building the life you desire.
p.s. I didn't reread or spell check this, so hope you read with caution!!!!!!
Bravo - Lollee - I read every word. ps -no mistakes stood out.
Thank you, Lolle, for your post. (Smooches back at you!!) I've read it several times. Each and every time I cry. I cry because I can see my J in your words. Your words shed some light on some of the questions that have been milling around in my crazed head. Thank you so much again for sharing. Hugs!!!
J never felt comfortable in her own skin. She never felt good enough or capable enough or like she measured up. And . . . while she was dead wrong . . . this added to her anxiety and fueled a kind of self-hate. As I look back upon it, I think there was some bullying. She also said she was sexually abused. Any old way . . . she tried various means to self-soothe: from cutting, to alcohol, to pills, to therapy, to sex, to Jesus, to sleep, to you name it. Yes, in my sane and rational moments, I understand that her addiction had everything to do with how she saw herself and dealt with the world.
I'll be honest. I feel guilty that I chalked up her feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, withdrawal, etc as normal teenage growing pains. Maybe if I had recognized her pleas for help at age 12, rather than said, "Just stop doing X" . . . . or believing that whatever she was doing was an example of a lack of self-control or self discipline . . . . or that she'd grow out of it . . . or. And I also feel guilty that I thought addiction was fixable, cureable. We honestly thought that when J beat her alcohol and pill addiction at age 16 and remained clean and sober through her freshman year of college (a total of 2.5 yrs), we could breathe a sigh of relief. We could exhale. Addiction was behind her. And us. Silly us. Back then, we thought she was healed, fixed; we thought that we had beat addiction; we didn't know relapse is part of recovery.
I know. I know. The woulda, coulda, shoulda's don't get me anywhere. But I'm sure there is another loved one who -- although s/he is chanting the 3 Cs like a monk, has detached with love, is not enabling -- feels in some shape form or fashion responsible for their loved one's addiction. Like they slumbered on some tell-tale sign or signs from when their loved one was younger. Or . . .
Or now that they are dealing with the beast of addiction . . . loved ones are searching, craving for a way to stop the pain. Not only for their child, spouse, sibling, partner who is using. But also for themselves. Even though addiction is getting more attention than it did 3 years ago when I joined this Board, there is still a huge huge stigma . . . that prevents all of us from getting ALL the love and support we need. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like a woodpecker with a headache trying to peck away at this disease, to help our beloveds, and to keep SUDs from emotionally & financially bankrupting us.
Sorry that this post is so dark. I'm not in the best space. August 29th marked 2 years since I got the call that J got her wings. The one thing that I've learned to do very well in the last 24 months is lie. I say I'm fine . . . I may even smile and laugh . . . and post happy things. But. . . . there are so many emotions. There are so many things I don't understand. So many unanswered questions. There is a cloak of sadness that layers everything now. What happened that night? Why did she partake and not her bf? (The bf has dropped off the face of the earth. His last sighting he was smoking a crack pipe & was frightfully skinny. That was almost 6 months ago.) And sometimes I wonder . . . what life do I have . . . do I want . . . without my only child. Sorry. It's pity party time tonight.
'Nough said . . .
Lynn
xoxo
J never felt comfortable in her own skin. She never felt good enough or capable enough or like she measured up. And . . . while she was dead wrong . . . this added to her anxiety and fueled a kind of self-hate. As I look back upon it, I think there was some bullying. She also said she was sexually abused. Any old way . . . she tried various means to self-soothe: from cutting, to alcohol, to pills, to therapy, to sex, to Jesus, to sleep, to you name it. Yes, in my sane and rational moments, I understand that her addiction had everything to do with how she saw herself and dealt with the world.
I'll be honest. I feel guilty that I chalked up her feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, withdrawal, etc as normal teenage growing pains. Maybe if I had recognized her pleas for help at age 12, rather than said, "Just stop doing X" . . . . or believing that whatever she was doing was an example of a lack of self-control or self discipline . . . . or that she'd grow out of it . . . or. And I also feel guilty that I thought addiction was fixable, cureable. We honestly thought that when J beat her alcohol and pill addiction at age 16 and remained clean and sober through her freshman year of college (a total of 2.5 yrs), we could breathe a sigh of relief. We could exhale. Addiction was behind her. And us. Silly us. Back then, we thought she was healed, fixed; we thought that we had beat addiction; we didn't know relapse is part of recovery.
I know. I know. The woulda, coulda, shoulda's don't get me anywhere. But I'm sure there is another loved one who -- although s/he is chanting the 3 Cs like a monk, has detached with love, is not enabling -- feels in some shape form or fashion responsible for their loved one's addiction. Like they slumbered on some tell-tale sign or signs from when their loved one was younger. Or . . .
Or now that they are dealing with the beast of addiction . . . loved ones are searching, craving for a way to stop the pain. Not only for their child, spouse, sibling, partner who is using. But also for themselves. Even though addiction is getting more attention than it did 3 years ago when I joined this Board, there is still a huge huge stigma . . . that prevents all of us from getting ALL the love and support we need. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like a woodpecker with a headache trying to peck away at this disease, to help our beloveds, and to keep SUDs from emotionally & financially bankrupting us.
Sorry that this post is so dark. I'm not in the best space. August 29th marked 2 years since I got the call that J got her wings. The one thing that I've learned to do very well in the last 24 months is lie. I say I'm fine . . . I may even smile and laugh . . . and post happy things. But. . . . there are so many emotions. There are so many things I don't understand. So many unanswered questions. There is a cloak of sadness that layers everything now. What happened that night? Why did she partake and not her bf? (The bf has dropped off the face of the earth. His last sighting he was smoking a crack pipe & was frightfully skinny. That was almost 6 months ago.) And sometimes I wonder . . . what life do I have . . . do I want . . . without my only child. Sorry. It's pity party time tonight.
'Nough said . . .
Lynn
xoxo
