My husband and I got married in Aug 2002. I only found out that he was an addict October 2003, 2 weeks prior to given birth to our third child. When, i found out that he had a cocaine problem, i was devastated. I married a man that I didn't even know. When we meet, I thought he was the man of my dreams. We dated in High School and it was like a big crush at first sight.
Then, we reunited December 1997. I really thought is was fate! My love story really crumbles when, I found that he has cheated on me since the beginning. We have 3 children together and he was never faithful. He had 7 affairs that he is willing to tell me.
We use to fight all the time about Money, I never understood why he never had money and i had to pay most of the bills.At the beginning I never noticed because i was so buzy with the children and my job. He'd tell me that his bank cards not working or he lost his wallet with the money in it etc.....
Hw went to detox twice but, relapse right after. Currently he is away working. He is about 14 hours away from me and I home feeling so, insecure. If i cannot get a hold of him I cannot sleep well. I cry Often, but, i know i have to be strong for my children..plus, My job.
I really felt used, he use to take my money, bounce checks, steal my checks, or steal my jewlery, or pawn his..right now he has nothing left but, his wedding band. I always bailed him out finicially with evrything if it was not me his dad would.
I've been seeing an out-patient councellor just to understand the addict. She classified me as being co-dependant and the enabler. I allow him to behave this way by never allowing him to hit rock bottom but, it's so, difficult to because we live in a small town and i do nto want to ruin my name..so whne he bouces cehck i go and pay them because I go to these store. Right now they willnto accept my checks unless, i call because he forges my signature...I probably could write abook on everything he has done...
He use to tell me he was the most honest guys and he does not know how men cheat..but yet he was doing evrything he told me he did not believe in. His one of the best liars, manipulator and theif that i ever meet..I read some where that addicts will steal it and then help u look for it. Iam still so, confused!! I have a feeling that he is not straight where he is!!but even if i ask him he lies and tells me things that i want to hear.
I really do nto know if i can put up with him anymore,,he does not come back until October and Iam not sure if i can be here for him..I wonder if he is using or ecen cheating..He told me he cheated because of the coke it increased his sex drive,,,all those women were users too so, he would give them coke for sex..and the worst things is it's girls in my coumminity or Family.His gone now to work elsewhere but I atill run onto those girls on a daily basis..He says to egt over it..but it's diffiucut..i AM CONFUSED.
Oh, you poor girl. I am crying as I read your story. If it helps at all please know that you are not alone in in your experience and that none of these terrible things have happened because of anything you did or didn't do.
My son is addicted to crack and I beat myself up for years blaming myself for his problems. I don't do that anymore and I hope you won't either. I too live in a small town and have done a lot of cover-up in the past for my boy. I don't do that anymore, either. At least I try not to - and it's a battle I fight everyday. The way I see it, and I know it's hard to come to this point, is that if people don't like you for it, then they weren't people worth having in your life anyway. Those who really matter will be there for you and will not judge you because of your husband's addiction. Don't cover for him anymore. He needs to face up to the things he has done. I believe it will help him in the end.
I've always been the close-mouthed type, never asking for help or wanting to draw any attention to myself. Now I have a few great friends who I can talk to about this and the rest, the ones I know don't understand, I just don't bring it up with. I still have a relationship with them, but it is on a different level. I know that in time you will come to that realization, too.
The main thing to remember here is to nurture yourself. I know that sounds selfish when you have three kids but really it's not at all. If you are well and coping then you are able to be there for them. Take whatever help is offered with the kids and don't feel guilty about it. Take the time you need for yourself. Your life is important. You are important.
As to what will eventually happen with you and your husband, who's to say? Many marriages have survived this and many others have broken up. There's no right or wrong way, only what's right for you. Don't let anybody ever tell you different.
Be strong, girl and know that I'm pulling for you.
CM
My son is addicted to crack and I beat myself up for years blaming myself for his problems. I don't do that anymore and I hope you won't either. I too live in a small town and have done a lot of cover-up in the past for my boy. I don't do that anymore, either. At least I try not to - and it's a battle I fight everyday. The way I see it, and I know it's hard to come to this point, is that if people don't like you for it, then they weren't people worth having in your life anyway. Those who really matter will be there for you and will not judge you because of your husband's addiction. Don't cover for him anymore. He needs to face up to the things he has done. I believe it will help him in the end.
I've always been the close-mouthed type, never asking for help or wanting to draw any attention to myself. Now I have a few great friends who I can talk to about this and the rest, the ones I know don't understand, I just don't bring it up with. I still have a relationship with them, but it is on a different level. I know that in time you will come to that realization, too.
The main thing to remember here is to nurture yourself. I know that sounds selfish when you have three kids but really it's not at all. If you are well and coping then you are able to be there for them. Take whatever help is offered with the kids and don't feel guilty about it. Take the time you need for yourself. Your life is important. You are important.
As to what will eventually happen with you and your husband, who's to say? Many marriages have survived this and many others have broken up. There's no right or wrong way, only what's right for you. Don't let anybody ever tell you different.
Be strong, girl and know that I'm pulling for you.
CM
Dear Hurt,
Please,Please,Please read the posts on this board.
How much more can you take. This life is not good for you or your children.
First off your husband is cheater, yes its true cocaine increases your sex drive, but it doesnt make you cheat. Secondly, are you willing to wait until you lose everything before you leave. The counsellor is right about enabling him, you need to put your foot down, give him an ultimatum and dont look back.
If he screws up, let him go. If he gets clean and stops cheating, then it was meant to be. By allowing him to come home after he has cheated, lied, stole, used cocaine and covering up his f*** ups, you are only saying that its OK to do what hes doing, cause you'll fix it all up and he knows it.
Let him bounce cheques, cheat, lie etc, it wont make you look bad, it makes him look bad. If you leave him because of it, you'll only look like the stronger person.
Dont allow someone to do this to you and your life. Love really doesnt feel like that. You have your children to take of and they reaaly need you, it does them no good to see a father like that. You need to do whats best for you and your children, you cant continue to worry about his problems anymore.
Please,Please,Please read the posts on this board.
How much more can you take. This life is not good for you or your children.
First off your husband is cheater, yes its true cocaine increases your sex drive, but it doesnt make you cheat. Secondly, are you willing to wait until you lose everything before you leave. The counsellor is right about enabling him, you need to put your foot down, give him an ultimatum and dont look back.
If he screws up, let him go. If he gets clean and stops cheating, then it was meant to be. By allowing him to come home after he has cheated, lied, stole, used cocaine and covering up his f*** ups, you are only saying that its OK to do what hes doing, cause you'll fix it all up and he knows it.
Let him bounce cheques, cheat, lie etc, it wont make you look bad, it makes him look bad. If you leave him because of it, you'll only look like the stronger person.
Dont allow someone to do this to you and your life. Love really doesnt feel like that. You have your children to take of and they reaaly need you, it does them no good to see a father like that. You need to do whats best for you and your children, you cant continue to worry about his problems anymore.
It's really difficult right now for me to decide anything! Right now, he is away and I really feel insecure. I spoke to him last night and i need to write him a letter the way I truly feel because each time i try to bring up nad thing about his infidelity he always say here we go again!!! talking about the past. Yet, he does not i do not think he knows how much he has hurt me....I find he is so centered on himself.
He tells me that he is coming back in 2 or 3 weeks to see the children. Ireally have mixed emotions about it! I feel like I have a love/hate realationship with him. Why should things be so easy for him. Everytime I catch him ujsing he signs up for detox but, he never wants to talk to me.Also, when things are not going well here he runs back to his dad. He has 2 people enabling him. Prior to his leaving his father being so kind hearted had gicen him so much money to fix his car and to go away..then on the day he was leaving the motor blew..so then i turn around and lend him mine..he always has everything handed to him so,, i really believe he will not change until, he hit rock bottom..but if his dad and i keep catching him he will never stop....maybe it's me...I've always found men that had some sort of addiction. My first spouse that i have 2 children with is a cocaine addict...I forgot to mention I am home with 5 children..I have an 15 year old and a 13 year old that are extremely helpful...
My 2 older children are having a difficult time because they have gone through this disease with there dad. he never calls them but it ok..they tell me that i will never be alone unlike there dad,,,Again, I am not sure why i keep finding men like that..but i never know until it's too late...
I've asked him why id u go out with me..I am the most straight individually in my community..I have a good paying job....sometimes i wonder if it's because i have wealthy parents,,but again that not me I still have to work for everything i have...he says he did not marry me because of that but I he has no sense of responsibility...he can spend his entire check on coke and come home and not worry about any bills,,,i am the type of person that worries about my bills all the time..right now finicially it's difficult ..but i will make it on my own....I know my parents are there but,,,that's not the route i want to take.
It's so, easy to say that i would never put up with it anymore but, it's a night that i have a difficult time..Thanks for your advice,,,it helps me to open my eyes,,i am really openminded but,,i know iam still in denial because iam still the one suffering...But, When i feel stong like i use to be then things will change
Dear Hurt, God Bless you sweetie, Life is not givin you very much hope here I can tell.You need to try to be strong for your children, It isn't easy at all. I know because my husband is a addict as well. He hasn't cheated with a person but this drug is stronger than any person.And it hurts me just as much.You are doing the right thing seeing a counsler. Good for you! Get strong honey. And Dont give him the chance to hurt you anymore.It sounds to me that you have be giving him chance after chance and unless he wants to get better it wont help you to stay. Move on for your kids. I know it will hurt I am still in the giving the chance stage. So far so good but I worry everyday. So I will pray for you and your kids God Bless. Just realize that the people here really do care about you and please let us know how you are doing Ok? Kim
I really want to thank the people that replied to my message.It really helps me to know that I am not alone! Some day are better than others.But, I am so thankful that I found this site, I feel like people truely care and I do not have to be ashamed of my husbands addiction...Everyone seem to understand and we have the same thing in common...addiction and crack cocaine.May god bless everyone that reads this post
Hi Hurt -
How are things going for you? Keep us posted.
With best wshes and positive thoughts,
CM
How are things going for you? Keep us posted.
With best wshes and positive thoughts,
CM
This message is for "hurt", I have been married for 14 years. I only knew he was using cocaine for the past 2 years, when he needed some energy or didnt get allot of sleep, he only did it once in a awhile but never around me. I knew from the start that he smoked pot but he did it in the garage or outside. I COULDNT stand drugs and I would bet mad if I found them. I would flush them, throw them away, anything you could think of. Well I started to notice that he always needed money, he worked at a very good job and made a good living so I started to get curious because he would take money out of the bank 1-3 times a week and lie to me about it. I am trying to make this short but it is hard I could write a book. He has been in trouble with the law almost all of our marriage one way or another but mostly for drinking and driving. I would always bond him out, borrow money from my family to get a lawyer, anything that needed to be done for him to stay out of jail and keep his job. I love him very much and I can not wash my hands of him. I thought about it a couple of times but he would be good for months and then he would be in trouble again. Well this time he did it, he was picked up for drinking and driving and they found cocaine on him and he is now serving a year in Prison. I was left all alone with a 4-year old little boy, I still love him the same as I did when I first married him. I know people will write something negative about this but it was his addiction making him do all of those terrible things. Just to give you an idea, he was on probation and there was a warrant issued for his arrest for a dirty urine sample and he took one morning and left me. That was January 2004, he traded our brand new Chevy Blazer for drugs and lived (stayed) with people and places I would of never went too. When he first started he was snorting cocaine, I guess in January he was introduced to smoking crack. He traded our Blazer, my laptop computer and who nows what else to get a fix. My husband is now in a Treatment Facility Prison. he has been there for 3 months. I talk to him on the phone and write him letters but I dont blame it all on him, he is ADDICTED and always will be. The addiction made him do those things, he was not in control the cocaine was. I know this because I had a hard time after he was arrested and I found quite a bit of cocaine in our garage and I tried it to see how wonderful it was to ruin our marrigae. It was wonderful for about 15 minutes then you wanted another one and so one. Well I secluded myself inside my home for a couple of months, my house was clean but I didnt want to go anywhere (paranoid). I snorted all day long trying to forget about all of our problems it would work for alittle bit then I would do another one. (Rememer I hated drugs, never did them in my life) but it got ahold of me the first one I did. My mom noticed a change in me and asked me to go to rehab and I did on April 7, 2004, I learned allot there. I learned that it is hard to stop, noone can make you. This is something you have to do youtself, I know my husband has made the change for himself and so did I. but it is something you have to work at forever, I relapsed yesterday. I wrote some articles in some of the threads, I just wanted to talk to some one because I was ashamed of myself and felt like I let everyone down, I flushed the rest of my stuff while I was writing this at 5:00am yesterday morning and I havent used since then. I am starting all over one day at a time. I just want everyone to know that this is a addiction/sickness you need emotional support from your family and friends to get through this. I never chose to live this life but I need to work the steps and read my books, I also need to contact my sponsor more often for her to help me. Please dont give up on your husband, he needs you now more than anything. I know how I feel and I am sure he feels the same way ashamed, guilty, he let you down, dirty, worthless, dont know why he cant say no to it, doesnt understand why he lied or used up your money (just remember that is not him doing it, its the drug) I could just keep on going, Please stand by him, he needs you. This drug gets ahold of you and changes all of your thinking, you wake up thinking about it and go to bed doing the same, Please try to help him but it is a bumpy ride and he is the only one who can help himself. He has to want to quit and go to rehab but even after rehab you will still have cravings and triggers to use. It is worth every dime I spent on rehab, I finally felt normal. I still feel ashamed about yesterday but I stopped myself. That makes me very proud!!!! Just believe me I know he loves you very much, please stand by him.
Ashamed
Ashamed