I Am Tired

My husband was in detox for the third time! Last night, he got out and rented a motel and blew his entire check! I am so tired of being there for him. He messes up all the time. On January 31, I kicked him out because he kept spending his money on cocaine and he was not helping with the bills. So, i told him he needs to get his own apartment and try paying bills..Well, he paid the Feb rent and he did not pay March's rent..because he blew his last 2 checks on Cocaine...

I am do not know what to do anymore..Right now he is sleeping..He blew all his money..And, I am going to be paying everything this month again. I have 5 children and I do not trust him taking care of them..So, I make sure I am the sole caregiver...He is too unpredictable..Several weeks ago, I asked him to meet my 5 year son here...afterschool until, my 14 year old came home because I am a fulltime student!!I had a feeling he would not show up so, came home to check and he was late because he was getting high. So, now i do nto trust him..I found ladies thongs in my van..and I am just tired..and I really do not know what to do!

He was out, but as of today he does not have an apartment...He has no money..It is so difficult for me to turn my back on him. He tells me he is suicidal...And than, I am afraid he is manipulating me...than, I afraid eh takes his life...I am so messed up...I wish..I knew what I could do...and shouldn't do!

I am having a difficult time understanding HOW COCAINE CAN CONTROL someones life like that! I've gone through..The ponding..of jewlery, stealing, cheating. lying..but yet i seem to forgive him..AM I CRAZY or What...Please Help me understand the demon that I am fighting with..I need to know If I should turn my back on a suicidal person....or is he playing me for a fool..

Eagle
as long as he is actively using there is not much you can do, forgiving him over and over again is actually enabling him to continue his addiction. your main concern is your 5 children and yourself and the wellbeing of those kids has to be number one. he sounds like he is geting near his bottom and that is a huge beginning in climbing back up. this man needs help not you forgiving him for spending all the money. let him fall and be there to help when he ASKS for it, this problem is way too big for you to go thru alone and the people on this board are awesome in the experiences they have gone thru, my ex is still out there in the street, homeless, no job, nothing at all, not even self respect and i will simply not tolerate him to come around and suck me dry. maybe someday he will get it but today he HAS CHOSEN TO USE and that is his choice, we all have choices and until his moment of truth comes if it comes then anything you do or say will not matter. take care and we are here for you

carol
If he threatens to you to commit suicide, you should call 911 immediately. You don't have the tools to deal with someone if they are that psychologically in trouble. He needs professional help.
Otherwise, he is just manipulating you. He doesn't want you to leave and he doesn't want to have to leave himself. Then he would have to pay for things on his own and he wouldn't be able to afford to do as much cocaine.
In any event, no person is responsible for another person's life. For him to say that to you is definitely a way to control you and your actions, especially since it has worked so far.
The next time he threatens to commit suicide, ask him if he is serious. Tell him that if he is serious, you will call 911 immediately. If he still says he is serious, go through with that call immediately. But I think you will see him start to backpeddle pretty fast. He will amend it and say things like "if you leave me, I will". That then would be blatant manipulation. He cannot control you anymore than you can control him and his addiction. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it.
The only person who can is him and he obviously isn't ready to do that. You have to do what is best for you and your kids. They cannot grow up in this environment. It will seriously affect them as I am sure you know.

Do you have any family or friends that can help you? Are all 5 children yours together?
Have you attended Al-Anon meetings or anything like that?
Do what is best for you and your children. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Take care,
Mickey
I totally understand what you are going through, so many lies, so much pain! You don't know where to turn anymore or what to do. Mine threatens to commit suicide too, since last sunday when he phoned me bawling his eyes out and yes I feel responsible, but most of the time they are just saying that to manipulate us because manipulation is what they are good at. If they are really contemplating suicide, nothing we do will stop them anyways.. if he's sounding really serious then call 911.
But you have children remember and the best thing you can do for them and yourself is to kick him out. Its not your fault he spent his last two paychecks on cocaine.
We talked about this on Dec 8th. Anyway, stop this craziness. Your story sounds like my past... The ONLY difference is it is my past. My ex-husband and I starting taking methadone back in 2002. Then we got into doing coke together. We had been together since 1994 and didn't start doing this sh*t until 2002. Anyway, it just got worse. He acted so diiferent and was very munipulationg and controling. The story you just wrote sounded very simular to mine.
I ended up getting my own apartment. We lost our business, he sold a lot of our things we had. We sold our house and blew 20,000 dollars on coke in a short period of time. I decided to clean up my life he didn't. He went to jail for 8 days because he was a mad man coming off the coke. I got my own place and moved on.. It took a long time to get him away from me. Him and I have a 6 year old together and today everything is great between us. I had to leave for myself and for my children. So my advice to you is GET OUT NOW!
My ex used to pull the I am going to kill myself sh*t all the time. After a while I was like just do it then. It got old real fast. Your BF isn't going to change until he is ready. You have a good head on your shoulders. Live your life and be done with him. I wouldn't suggest this to every woman but you have been through a lot with him.How many chances should someone get to change? Only you can answer that question. If you are going to leave him just stick to it. Get a court order for visitation etc. Supervised visits would be best right now until he straightens up his life. Good luck~ Rae