Well here goes
Its been many years since Ive done dope. Sure Ive had urges,dreams,and had to fight off the dealers ..etc..at the clinic. Here I was with a song,dance and advise on how to keep the demons at bay.
I went to meetings -weeks at a time, never got a sponser,although many of you guys were helpful and full of good advice.
The meetings stopped, the stress built up, both at home and at work- and even though I have learned to deal with it w/o heroin, it reared its ugly head- after all this time!- I havent been on a long ,tragic run -it was only once, and I didnt search it out. -But I dont need to condone or make excuses for what happed .
A while back ,I went from 80 mg of mdone to 30- (still on 30)
The plan to get to subutex didnt pan out. I dont need to go thru the whole story-but the 1 shot the other day,set me off into a nodding day of guilt and regret.
I cant beleive I fell for it- and did what I did. Its absoulutley scary beyond belief that knowing all I know - leaving that s**t alone for so long-that I would pick it up again>. for whatever reason & justify it .
Its suppossed to be good to get it off your chest- and talk about it. For some reason it doesnt. This was 2 days ago & I still cant get over it.
It did show me though that no matter how long I have gone w/o using H. No-matter how many times I walked away- as long as I continue to be around the clinic and avoid meetings and people who are doing the right thing- the better chance I have to screw things up ,no matter how much time is in between usage.
The last 2 days Ive just done my dose and try to forget my indescretion. Looks like 10 years didnt make me any less verniable- a lesson for all.
This was hard to tell- Ifelt like just skipping this and telling you guys " all was good."-- but>>>>who would that help-what would that accomplice-
So all you folks that think that time fixes the habit- let me tell ya - unless youre working at it -time doesnt fix sh**.
I know you guys will be full of advise and support- let me thank you now-in advance-
peace & muchlove
jack
Facing up to the beast is no reason to feel ashamed or imbarrased. You are facing your reality and the reality of relapse. As hurt as you may be about it you still have the chance to work at it and get to were you want to be.
Jack, I think it's good that you stopped after one time. I mean many people use that as the start to a real bender. You could have gone on for a week and then never said anything here, so I give you ALOT of credit. I am thinking about a relapse here one day before my 9 months sober, but I don't have any idea what to take or how to get it. What you posted helped me and probably helped countless others NOT to relapse. I have a lot of repect for you and always read what you post. You have helped me so much in my recovery, but once again I see how it literally is one day at a time no matter how long you are clean. Still, you dropped your methadone dose just like you wanted, but that drop may and probably did have an impact on this one time use. If you could get on the sub it would probably be a good thing I think. Hey, have a great day Jack! CAS.
jack,
what a strong thing you did by entering this post! i would like to think i would have done the same but im not sure the addict in me would allow it.for a long time my addiction was coke and meth,when i stopped using theese i still drank a little and occaisonally smoked pot.i did this for thirteen years and ysed to consider this being clean.being clean has new meaning for me now so i dont use anything.but not to get off track,i did go thirteen years without my drugs of choice but when i relapsed i did it for six years.so im proud of you for stopping at one because i couldnt when i started again i added a new drug to my agenda,herion! and it was really my downfall.i now realize that im an addict and i cant take that first one of anything.i know i i did i would be beating myself up for it.so i know you must be also.just dont beat yourself up too badly because it can lead to additional relapse.it did for me,i figured well ive done it now why stop! so what im saying is take it as a learning experience and start your sobriaty again.this disease is so powerful it is trying to kill us all at all times,so dont let it win.you can be strong again!
thank you for your post,
things like this help to keep me strong.
what a strong thing you did by entering this post! i would like to think i would have done the same but im not sure the addict in me would allow it.for a long time my addiction was coke and meth,when i stopped using theese i still drank a little and occaisonally smoked pot.i did this for thirteen years and ysed to consider this being clean.being clean has new meaning for me now so i dont use anything.but not to get off track,i did go thirteen years without my drugs of choice but when i relapsed i did it for six years.so im proud of you for stopping at one because i couldnt when i started again i added a new drug to my agenda,herion! and it was really my downfall.i now realize that im an addict and i cant take that first one of anything.i know i i did i would be beating myself up for it.so i know you must be also.just dont beat yourself up too badly because it can lead to additional relapse.it did for me,i figured well ive done it now why stop! so what im saying is take it as a learning experience and start your sobriaty again.this disease is so powerful it is trying to kill us all at all times,so dont let it win.you can be strong again!
thank you for your post,
things like this help to keep me strong.
Jack your post proves that this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. Thanks for sharing...gosh, the times I've thought of relapsing...I tried to locate some coke last night, but by the Grace of God, I don't have any contacts, and neither does my former using bud...either that or she refused to give me a number....how crazy is that? Yes, I still want to use...I have slacked on my meetings, and my husband is away, so my addict mind is telling me I can get away with it...I have prayed several times today to have this using thought relieved from me. I need to go to a meeting, but I am alone with my 11 year old, and really don't want to leave him alone. No meeting today anyway, I'll have to wait till tomorrow. I'm glad that I cut off my contacts...but my mouth is still watering for that high...
I am going to reread this post as many times as I crave today. Thanks for sharing Jack!
I am going to reread this post as many times as I crave today. Thanks for sharing Jack!
It took a lot of courage to share what you just did, and I commend you for it. You've come far in your recovery, because by hiding this from others you know the only person you're being dishonest with is yourself.
About 5 years ago, I had almost 4 years clean before I stopped going to meetings, stopped calling my sponsor etc. Wouldn't you know it? I ended up with a drink in my hand. I didn't go back to H that night though; that took about 2 months, until I decided that if I could handle drinking, surely I could handle a little H. That lasted about a year and in the end it almost killed me.
You said it yourself: going to meetings weeks at a time (does that mean u had long stretches in-between meetings?) and not getting a sponsor weren't enough for you. It might be time to step it up. Do you have a home group, where you do service work and are accountable to others? The last time I truly was ready to relapse (about 1.5 years ago) the thought of having to return to my group after relapsing (and worse, of them showing up at my house if I tried to disappear!) kept me from relapsing in the first place!
Just know you can do this sobriety deal Jack- you've done it before. People relapse- we're addicts, it's what we do best- get high! Acknowledge it, and move on. Announce yourself as a newcomer in meetings once again. (It's fun! You get tons of attention! :) )
Don't let this minor slip turn into something much more. Too many people die from this disease already. You've got the tools already to prevent yourself from becoming just one more junkie corpse.
Robert
About 5 years ago, I had almost 4 years clean before I stopped going to meetings, stopped calling my sponsor etc. Wouldn't you know it? I ended up with a drink in my hand. I didn't go back to H that night though; that took about 2 months, until I decided that if I could handle drinking, surely I could handle a little H. That lasted about a year and in the end it almost killed me.
You said it yourself: going to meetings weeks at a time (does that mean u had long stretches in-between meetings?) and not getting a sponsor weren't enough for you. It might be time to step it up. Do you have a home group, where you do service work and are accountable to others? The last time I truly was ready to relapse (about 1.5 years ago) the thought of having to return to my group after relapsing (and worse, of them showing up at my house if I tried to disappear!) kept me from relapsing in the first place!
Just know you can do this sobriety deal Jack- you've done it before. People relapse- we're addicts, it's what we do best- get high! Acknowledge it, and move on. Announce yourself as a newcomer in meetings once again. (It's fun! You get tons of attention! :) )
Don't let this minor slip turn into something much more. Too many people die from this disease already. You've got the tools already to prevent yourself from becoming just one more junkie corpse.
Robert
Hiya Jack, thanks for being so brave and telling us what happened. I know that you are feeling really bad about your slip-up, but you had the good sense to call it a day, and not continue using. Don't let this set you back. It's not like you have thrown in the towel and gone back to the gear. So take it as a warning that you have to be vigilent, and not let yourself get too blase about heroin. I'm not suggesting that you were being cocky, but when you are recovering, it's easy to let your handle on this beast slip down your list of priorities. It's a precarious balance at the best of times, as it's important that you get on with life and allow other interests to flourish, but you still need to be aware that your addiction is a sleeping giant, and if you allow it to wake up, it can chew you up and spit out the bones. But in this instance, it briefly came to, yawned and stretched, and went back to sleep again.
Don't beat yourself up about it too much. Yes, tick yourself off, face up to it (as you have done with typical courage and strength) but allow yourself to move on. You have been lucky - you didn't OD, you didn't get arrested, and you didn't repeat your error. Learn from your mistake. As long as you take on board the lesson, then it needn't be a disaster for you. And I believe that a problem can also be a gift, as it is through our mistakes, our problems that we find their solutions. I think that sometimes vital lessons sort of chase us around. Life just keeps beating us over the heads with a problem because until we find understanding, we can't take on board the lesson that we so vitally need to learn in order to deal with the problem. But Jack, you are an intelligent and big hearted man. I have complete faith in you, and you will find your peace of mind, and come through this stronger than ever.
love as always
Diff xxx(((0)))xxx (notice big cyberhug coming your way!!!)
Don't beat yourself up about it too much. Yes, tick yourself off, face up to it (as you have done with typical courage and strength) but allow yourself to move on. You have been lucky - you didn't OD, you didn't get arrested, and you didn't repeat your error. Learn from your mistake. As long as you take on board the lesson, then it needn't be a disaster for you. And I believe that a problem can also be a gift, as it is through our mistakes, our problems that we find their solutions. I think that sometimes vital lessons sort of chase us around. Life just keeps beating us over the heads with a problem because until we find understanding, we can't take on board the lesson that we so vitally need to learn in order to deal with the problem. But Jack, you are an intelligent and big hearted man. I have complete faith in you, and you will find your peace of mind, and come through this stronger than ever.
love as always
Diff xxx(((0)))xxx (notice big cyberhug coming your way!!!)
Hey Jack, don't be so harrd on yourself man, you are doing a great thing by accepting the fact that you are still vulnerable and susceptable to this disease. Hell if I knew where to get some, I would have been out there today let me tell you!!! Thank god that in my sobriety I am too scared to go driving into the projects looking for dope! Congrats dude, you are owning you addiction, something we as addicts can never forget, it's a life long struggle man, and even though you slipped up, you're still one step ahead of the devil because you didn't give into temptation again, thats some kind of courage!!!
Jack, You are a very good man, and an honest one. I know we all already knew that. Brave is right, and courage to no end.
That was a lapse not a RE-lapse. I learned that somewhere. You had a lapse in judgement. RE-lapse you'd still be out there.
You just helped me by your post. I was wondering about where you were. Thought on travels. I seriously was thinking of you the last couple days. Weird. I'm not on enough to make a bunch of posts. You got my heart, Jack. To me you are the ACE, and King. Hang tough there, Jack. You did good telling us. I would have told too. By nature we ain't no liars. Plus I swear it's something cosmic or something. I been itching and twitching, and mean, but I ain't using.
You just woke me back up. All good things for you, Jack.
That was a lapse not a RE-lapse. I learned that somewhere. You had a lapse in judgement. RE-lapse you'd still be out there.
You just helped me by your post. I was wondering about where you were. Thought on travels. I seriously was thinking of you the last couple days. Weird. I'm not on enough to make a bunch of posts. You got my heart, Jack. To me you are the ACE, and King. Hang tough there, Jack. You did good telling us. I would have told too. By nature we ain't no liars. Plus I swear it's something cosmic or something. I been itching and twitching, and mean, but I ain't using.
You just woke me back up. All good things for you, Jack.
Dear Jack,
I'm glad you felt you could trust our love for you enough to know that hearing this doesn't change anything except the amount of prayers we will say for you to stay strong to avoid this happening again. I'm so glad you only did it once! Bless your heart. I guess you know now that you need to get to those meetings!
Love,
Susan
I'm glad you felt you could trust our love for you enough to know that hearing this doesn't change anything except the amount of prayers we will say for you to stay strong to avoid this happening again. I'm so glad you only did it once! Bless your heart. I guess you know now that you need to get to those meetings!
Love,
Susan
Jack,
I know that i am not a recovering heroin addict but this past Friday i celebrated 19 years clean from an alcohol/pot addiction....there are some that will tell me that after all this time either i am 'cured' or that i don't really have a problem with an addiction anymore...
Even as i am writing this reply to your post i know that i will always be one step away from a drink or a joint to the day i die...the 'beast' will always reside within me and will continue to wait patiently...no matter how many years pass..to be at the ready should i have a momentary 'lapse' of weakness.
You and i have had a long term of staying clean...and that is like money in the bank in a sense that we have the wisdom strength and hope of those accrued clean years to fall back on and in case of an unintentional 'slip'...we have the 'tools' to prevent a major 'slide'.
We are only as 'sick as our secrets'...dear Jack...and the guilt we feel will only keep us stuck and in the dark....but the light of your honesty here will illuminate your way back onto the path of sobriety once again..
love MARY
I know that i am not a recovering heroin addict but this past Friday i celebrated 19 years clean from an alcohol/pot addiction....there are some that will tell me that after all this time either i am 'cured' or that i don't really have a problem with an addiction anymore...
Even as i am writing this reply to your post i know that i will always be one step away from a drink or a joint to the day i die...the 'beast' will always reside within me and will continue to wait patiently...no matter how many years pass..to be at the ready should i have a momentary 'lapse' of weakness.
You and i have had a long term of staying clean...and that is like money in the bank in a sense that we have the wisdom strength and hope of those accrued clean years to fall back on and in case of an unintentional 'slip'...we have the 'tools' to prevent a major 'slide'.
We are only as 'sick as our secrets'...dear Jack...and the guilt we feel will only keep us stuck and in the dark....but the light of your honesty here will illuminate your way back onto the path of sobriety once again..
love MARY
Oh, Jack, man, DON'T be so hard on yr. self. You screwed up, but you admitted it, to us & most importantly, to yr. self.I have to agree w/ you about the Done clinic. I have made my personal opinion of Methadone known to a few others here, that is, that it is an evil Nazi invention, engineered to get Fat Herman Goering off morphine--maybe you need to get off it yourself--NOT THAT YOU ARE LIKE GOERING!! I'm just saying that going to that place every day, seeing those folks, the atmosphere--it could be making you vulnerable, maybe? I have come off that stuff @ least 4 times, & can give you some advice if you like, here or on my new e-mail spot:alaskasroom@yahoo.com Write here or there, if u wish. Take care of yr self & Don't be so hard on yr self, ok??
Dear MARY,
From your post..."You and i have had a long term of staying clean...and that is like money in the bank in a sense that we have the wisdom strength and hope of those accrued clean years to fall back on and in case of an unintentional 'slip'...we have the 'tools' to prevent a major 'slide'.
We are only as 'sick as our secrets'...dear Jack...and the guilt we feel will only keep us stuck and in the dark....but the light of your honesty here will illuminate your way back onto the path of sobriety once again."
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL MESSAGE!!!!!
Love,
Susan
From your post..."You and i have had a long term of staying clean...and that is like money in the bank in a sense that we have the wisdom strength and hope of those accrued clean years to fall back on and in case of an unintentional 'slip'...we have the 'tools' to prevent a major 'slide'.
We are only as 'sick as our secrets'...dear Jack...and the guilt we feel will only keep us stuck and in the dark....but the light of your honesty here will illuminate your way back onto the path of sobriety once again."
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL MESSAGE!!!!!
Love,
Susan
Dear Jack,
I've been thinking of and praying for you too. How are you doing? Please let us hear from you.
Love,
Susan
I've been thinking of and praying for you too. How are you doing? Please let us hear from you.
Love,
Susan
