I Caved

well, I totally f-ed up. I didn't make it with the sub w/d.

I have no idea why I am so weak, this is so hard to do alone. I wish my family lived here so bad so I could have a little support. sitting alone in this house is really getting to me. well tomorrow is a new day, and I will try again

what is the link to find na meetings? if someone knows can you please post it for me
Angela,

Sorry, I don't know what the link is but I'm sure someone else will. You've had a set back but at least you are doing what is right by admitting it and trying to move on. So many times I relapsed and just kept going with it. You are so strong and you will be fine. I'll be praying for you.

Shelly
thanks shelly, I am really dissappointed in myself, but like I said tomorrow is a new day, I need to be stronger and smarter. I have to just to this there is no other option in my mind,this is it the time is now, and I have no more room for mistakes
So you went back to sub or regular opiates?
norcos
Hey Ang...first question, why do you have norcos in the house? Flush em babe. All of them. Start over tomorrow, or better yet, right now. Don't take any more.

I don't know what the link is for online NA so let's do one better...go to a meeting. Just go.

xxoo
i don't have them in the house....someone stopped by
Hey Angela
Im assuming your goal is to be totally clean right? You havent used sub did you? For me, getting off sub was my goal. It is very hard. I dont have any pain pills but I do have some comfort meds to help with sleep and stuff that Im sure are abused. From what Ive read on forum after forum is if you dont do a strict and accurate taper with sub and get down to a teeny tiny crumb-- you will have w/ds that last a long time- and tend to get worse before they get better. It is hard-- I just want to be normal. Ive had 2 bad nights so far where I felt like caving, but my husband is supportive and helping me out the best he can. What all did you take?
1 norco? 2? 6? Can you just start clean tomorrow-- the sub is still getting flushing out of your system.... good luck angela
hi firesign, I took 4. and my goal is to be off all drugs. I wasn't expecting it to get so much worse with the sub wd. the first 3 days weren't to bad and then it got worse. I just have to start over tomorrow, I don't know what the hell to do? I guess I will talk to my sub. dr. on Monday and tell him I am having a hard time. I don't want to go back on it, so the phone call i guess is pointless....sorry for my babble, my mind is all over the place. I just want this to be over so bad, I want to have a normal spring I don't want to be sick, on sub, depressed, any of that crap....

I am glad you are doing well
I'm sorry, Angela.
I know you probably feel pretty defeated right now. Been there, done that, I understand.
You just start over. You probably won't find a clean person here who hasn't had to start over many times.
Get some f2f support. You can call an NA hotline.
Hang in there and don't give up. Tomorrow is a new day.
xxxxoooo
hi angela
i am still on sub, tapered down from 8mg to 4mg in 20 mos time, i have done it so very slowly, but i have gained a whole knowledge of info, and tools and resources, i know for my situtation i would of never aquired what i have and i am blessed to be able to learn more and more about this disease.
i too will have to face wd's from the sub, i know its not a get out of jail free card, so i have no experience to share with you about coming off, some say wd's are milder? some say it was so difficult. i am kinda afraid, but i have to take this as it is and not project
did you make it down to crumbs? did you jump off too fast? i am so proud of you for taking that step of trying to get off sub. that took alot of courage and you know this disease will be lurking forever and it caught you at a weak moment, play the tape all the way thru angela, dont ever forget those dark days of using, keep it forever embedded in your mind, ask your higher power to help you get back up on the horse and try try again. God bless you angela. love jewels
thanks Kat and Jewels

I jumped off at 2mg. the first few days were not that bad, then it all changed....got worse etc.

this is my 2nd time on sub, the first time was about 2.5 years ago I think....anyway I was on it for 3 months and lasted 2 days after I quit. at that time I went back to using more then ever which landed me in rehab about 9 months later which landed me back on this run with sub (july2006)

the first time I came off sub I was drinking heavy (yeah I know, great try) and the first night I had an anxiety attack and ended up in th hospital, I thought I was having a heart attack. 2 days later I went to pick up some stuff for my business and the guys at the desk (I have known them for years) had out a bottle of vikes and were taking them.....that was it, as soon as I saw them I wanted them so bad I was thinking how to steel them. I asked for some, they gave me 1 and I was off and running to my old dealer. I had deleted all drug contact info from my cell, I told my dr, I told the people at the drug store. But I still could drive to my primary dealers home, which I did.

Anyway, I have to do this, yes I am really mad at my self and I can't believe I am this weak. I want to beat this and regain my confidence. I can't imagine how awsome I will feel to sweat it out and be clean. I will be so proud, I just hope this wd doesn't last longer then this week. well we will see?

I hope everyone has a nice sunday, It was crazy windy here last night 1 of my trash cans blew over and trash was up and down my whole street (great start to the day!) I was picking up q-tips 2 houses down!

turn your clocks forward
Maybe you could ask your dr. for a script for clonidine? The blood pressure medicine that is supposed to help with heebies, sweats, anxiety, etc. Good luck angela-- also dont forget immodium! That helped me-- I took about 4 of them at once and in about 45mins it took the edge off--
http://portaltools.na.org/portaltoo...ols/MeetingLoc/

go here and put in your location for face to face meetings


http://www.nachatroom.org/content/main.php

online meetings

google na online meetings and you will come up with many to chose from.

2mg is a lot to jump from, people have done it but it is not recommended for all, in my opinion one must taper slowly then every other day, then every two days, so on. And I am talking crumbs at this point.
I took off from work to get through mine, the wd take longer to hit us due to the half-life, and they do last longer, the downside to sub, but it does get better, may take a month, or sooner. Depends on the person, how long on it, and at what mg jumped from, They are not as intense as going cold turkey from pills, each one has it pros and cons.

People that say going ct is like having the flu, apparently has never had the flu, there is no comparison. Never did I want to blow my brains out with the 'flu'.
Never have I had the skin crawling, depression and insomnia or restless legs with the flu.
the flu is fever, vomiting, fatigue, sleeping a lot. Never did I sleep with ct, nor did i ever vomit, some may have done this going ct, depends on the doc.

to those of you who are going off sub, I want to congratulate you, and know that you can email me anytime.

Just mentally prepare for it, keep busy, don't think about how bad you feel, watch comedies, rest when you feel like it, but force yourself to do things. If you can get to the gym do water aerobics, get in the hot tub, then steam room .
This helped me tremendously, the more I sweat the better i felt.

Keep saying over and over, I feel great today, wake up saying that even if you don't. Get an ipod, listen to anything other than whats in your head.
sleep with sounds of nature, i have the beach , a thunderstorm and rain forest, but i must admit the birds chirp a bit too loud in that one and I want to smack them out of the trees. lol
You will make it, you have to believe you will.
From what others have said..withdrawals from sub last a lot longer than from painpills. Not as bad, but seem to take longer.

Angela..this has nothing to do with willpower, you know that right? You can't do this on your own. Coming here is a great first step and asking for help is huge, but you really need f2f help right now.
Lisa, I 100% agree. trying to do this along f-ing sucks. Way to much down time to think, ponder, etc. Watching movie after movie passes the time but that only goes so far. I lost my medical when I got laid off so I am not sure what to do about getting a psych. well not getting one/ more like paying for one. This is the first time since I was about 20 that I didn't have coverage, so I don't know what is available?
Hi Angela,
How are you feeling today?
I commend you for your honesty and willingness to look for answers. This is a tough battle and you're continuing to fight the fight. Makes you a winner in my book. I don't know much personally about what it's like to wd off Sub but I understand much more than I did because of Brooke. I do know that it is with the help, guidance and support of a friend that I got clean and having caring friends is part of the reason I can stay that way. I think we all help each other more than any Dr ever could. Reach out and keep talking. Grab hold of the hope offered and believe you can do this.
What we can't do alone we can accomplish in the company of those who understand and care.
xxxxoooo
Hi Angela,

Angela, I am so sorry i didn't know you had all this going on when ya posted over on the heroin board...............and there you were being so kind to someone and trying to give encouragement.

Angela, I am with Kat 100%.........and you know you can tap them keys and you have so much support here.

Girl, how many of us like Kat said had to start over a bajillion times...........and here ya go picking yourself back up...........speaks volumes.........please know you have my support as well..............Spring ain't sprung yet and I'm betting you're gonna be ready by spring to just be one healthy chick........you got a goal...........thinking of ya, Angela.
brooke i may need to call on ya and the others when my time comes, its a relief to know you guys will be here, i am scared to death of the wd's, the darkness and the depression that comes with it and thats what kept me stuck for years caught up in active addiction because i would do ANTHING to prevent having to feel wd's.
sub has been a life saver for me, i speak only of me and the fact that i could not withdraw cold turkey, i did clonidine, i tried provigil for the exhaustion, i did meetings, i truly tried it cold turkey,i dont know where i would be today had i not found this forum and was given the knowledge about suboxone, so anyone new here trying to get clean, please do the cold turkey route, i have seen many people be successful that way, the rooms of NA are full of people who did it cold turkey or tapered, and they have considerable ammounts of clean time to show for it, but its nice the few minority here that there is hope for the ones who werent successful.like me, sub gave me time to acquire all the tools i needed to get in the beginning, NA meetings, a sponsor, the 12 steps, rehab, the f2f counseling, i already had a power greater than myself to believe in and thats my faith in God, so i am getting better equipped everyday, it saved my liver from all the acetaphenimen (sp) i was ingesting with the vicodin abuse. it stopped the lies, it stopped more unnecessary surgeries i didnt need so i could get high off the morphine pump, i am so grateful to not have to live that life style anymore!!!!.
its taken 20 months to get this far, and i started at 8 mg and i am now down to 4mg and i too agree that jumping at 2 mg is too big of a jump, take brooks advice and do what she suggested and congrats brooke, you did it girlie! love jewels
Thanks jewels you can email me anytime.