Hi all,
I don't know what to do -- I'm dating an addicted. He was clean from heroin for a year and just recently relapsed. I don't know how to approach him about it. When I do approach him about his using I usually come off really accusing and judgemental, which I don't mean to, but I'm just so angry, hurt, and disappointed that he's using again that I can't fight my emotions and lash out when he is already high. Which makes matters worse because when I call him out on him being high when he is high, he gets highly defensive. I don't know what to do or how to help him. He is so beyond smart and caring and I honestly can't picture my life without him... and I hate seeing him self-destruct. He has so much potential and has come so far already and it's breaking my heart to see him like this.
I just need advice on how to approach him and how to get him help. Also, I know he currently has dime bags of heroin on him... and when I ask him to give them up, he refuses.... I can't just let him use those bags... Help me, please. I don't want to see the love of my life destroy his future like this.
Marie, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I suffer from opiate addiction myself and I have relapsed in the past after having about a year clean and it was a very traumatic experience and I was SO ashamed but let me tell you, it really opened my eyes and showed me that I really want to be in recovery more than ANYTHING. One year clean is a very long time for an addict to stay clean... Does your boyfriend go to meetings? Does he have a sponsor? ...What went wrong? You should try finding an "open" Narcotics Anonymous meeting to go to if you aren't too shy. I know it may seem intimidating but everyone is super nice and if you need any advice they are always happy to help in any way possible. And your best bet is to get advice from another addict, not someone who "thinks" they know what they're talking about. And of course he's not going to want you to take his stash away from him... As addicts, all it takes is one hit, and we are completely addicted, all over again. So now he is already back in that endless cycle of obsession and compulsion, worrying about running out and not being able to get more. The withdrawal from opiates is the scariest part. The sooner he gets back into recovery the better.. Some addicts think they can just go on and live their life like a normal person and not do anything to work on themselves or their recovery but we are not like most people we do so much when we are using to destroy our bodies and our minds its a miracle we don't all end up in mental wards. I know you probably love him but his recovery is HIS responsibility not yours, and if he is using as much or often as you described then you probably cant even sit him down to get a conversation in to tell him how worried you are. I'm sure he is embarrassed and ashamed that he messed up and feels like a failure and he is probably in denial because he doesn't want to admit to screwing up after having one year clean, that is a pretty big milestone. If I were in your shoes, I think I would have to tell him that it hurts to see him like this because he was doing so good for so long and he made so much progress and I don't want to see him throw it all away. Tell him how much you care about him, addicts will use any excuse to use, if they want to, they will justify anything and they can be very stubborn, that is the disease part of the addiction that comes out in us. So if he starts acting like that don't take it personally, and we all tend to think that people are accusing us of using when we are using and don't want them to know.. So trust your instincts.. It may be best to move out if he isn't serious about getting clean or never was. You can't force someone to want to get help. Please keep me updated, I hope I could provide you with some help
Dear Marie,
What you are experiencing is to be expected. Addiction is amazingly predictable in how it presents itself to the addict and to the person that loves them. The fact that he cries "you are being judgmental" is a clear sign of denial - the first and most important marker of addiction.
How to approach him? Please, please consider attending a family support program such as NAR Anon or AL Anon. In these meetings you will learn how to best live your life, regardless of how the addict is doing. The first step is learning that you are powerless over his addiction.
My last comment may appear pushy. I am the father of a lovely young woman. I feel obligated to share the obvious pitfalls of dating an addict. It is recommended that the addict avoid all romantic interests until they have reached at least 1 year of sobriety. In that year, they should demonstrate they can stay sober, hold a job, be responsible with money and bills, maintain a house plant, and take care of a pet. After those things have been achieved, then look to build upon a romance. Anything short of that is doomed to fail. Please avoid the temptation that your circumstance is unique, and not subject to the typical patterns of addiction. As I said earlier, addiction is very, very predictable.
Please feel free to message back if you'd like me to ellaborate.
Good luck,
Flyboy
What you are experiencing is to be expected. Addiction is amazingly predictable in how it presents itself to the addict and to the person that loves them. The fact that he cries "you are being judgmental" is a clear sign of denial - the first and most important marker of addiction.
How to approach him? Please, please consider attending a family support program such as NAR Anon or AL Anon. In these meetings you will learn how to best live your life, regardless of how the addict is doing. The first step is learning that you are powerless over his addiction.
My last comment may appear pushy. I am the father of a lovely young woman. I feel obligated to share the obvious pitfalls of dating an addict. It is recommended that the addict avoid all romantic interests until they have reached at least 1 year of sobriety. In that year, they should demonstrate they can stay sober, hold a job, be responsible with money and bills, maintain a house plant, and take care of a pet. After those things have been achieved, then look to build upon a romance. Anything short of that is doomed to fail. Please avoid the temptation that your circumstance is unique, and not subject to the typical patterns of addiction. As I said earlier, addiction is very, very predictable.
Please feel free to message back if you'd like me to ellaborate.
Good luck,
Flyboy
