Just when I think that maybe life will be atleast "ok" for now....BAM!
I correct everything that he complains about. I try to accept criticism and use it as a means for change. Nothing is ever good enough. I will never be good enough.
I used to say that I would make someone a good wife, if only that someone would give me a chance. Well, what I really want to know is...why is it so damn hard to just love and accept me? I am actually pretty good at whatever I attempt. I am a decent wife, decent mother, hard worker and an excellent provider.
My problem? I get so complacent. When things are going supposedly "good"?
I think that well, maybe things are getting better. And as soon as am content?
The s*** hits the fan. He is grasping at straws for things to complain about. It can be any little thing. But, God forbid, I'm not perfect.
Even if I was perfect, it wouldn't be good enough.
I'm sorry. I know this is a drug addiction board. But this has so much to do with my addiction and lack of recovery. How am I supposed to want and fight for recovery when I don't even know how to survive until tomorrow?
To be totally honest, I'm pissed because I only have about 30 percs left and I'm not sure if that's enough to kill me. Why can't he start this s*** when I've got 100 or more?
I'm tired.
I'm tired of being scared of listening to a certain song because "it must have a meaning" or reading a book with some obscure title that "must bring back memories" or it must have some "hidden meaning" to it. It's like I have to look over my shoulder constantly...all of this supposedly by the man who swore to love me and protect me eternally.
YET....I STAY! That's the real mystery. My family would be heart broken if we split. They love him..I love him....when he's having a "good" day. He is the man of my dreams on those days. Sensitive and caring and sweet...yet still masculine. But when he changes? Oh my god. I can't handle it. ANd I don't even usually see it coming. That makes it worse.
I have the upper hand here. I financially support this family...and him.. He couldn't live on his own. Yet I don't have the power to stand up to him.
I can't do this anymore. I shouldn't have to be f***ed up to be able to deal with life.
Jodi,
I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could help. I know what it feels like to feel like you can't take it anymore. Believe me, you can. I've felt that way a million times, and I always held on and things always got better. Trust me, this will pass and you will feel better. Hold on. I'll say a prayer for you. Take care of yourself.
Shelly
I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could help. I know what it feels like to feel like you can't take it anymore. Believe me, you can. I've felt that way a million times, and I always held on and things always got better. Trust me, this will pass and you will feel better. Hold on. I'll say a prayer for you. Take care of yourself.
Shelly
Also, I'll be here for a while if you feel like talking.
Shelly
Shelly
Hey Kiddo...It's been a long time since we have talked.I miss you Jodi!!
Don't let others,especially your husband determine your worth!!! There would be so many men that would appreciate a wife like yourself!! You have a husband that doesn't appreciate you and you let him get away with it.Time to take a stand Jodi and do something about it!! This cycle of abuse has to stop!!!
Jodi...You have but one life on this earth.Do you want spend the rest of it in misery or happiness? You have that power to choose.Fear has kept you a prisoner too long.Change is scarey! But from my own experience it is well worth it!!
Please know Jodi that I will be praying for you!
Kevin
Don't let others,especially your husband determine your worth!!! There would be so many men that would appreciate a wife like yourself!! You have a husband that doesn't appreciate you and you let him get away with it.Time to take a stand Jodi and do something about it!! This cycle of abuse has to stop!!!
Jodi...You have but one life on this earth.Do you want spend the rest of it in misery or happiness? You have that power to choose.Fear has kept you a prisoner too long.Change is scarey! But from my own experience it is well worth it!!
Please know Jodi that I will be praying for you!
Kevin
Thank you Shelly and Kevin.
THat is my biggest fear. I've wasted so much time already. So much time. Over half my life. It hasn't been all bad. But it could've been so much better.
I have so many regrets. So many regrets.
And yet, I will wake up tomorrow regretting today. I will wake up 2 days from now regretting tomorrow. And on and on and on.
It's so easy to be so determined to make a change in the heat of the moment. So easy. Right now? I swear things are going to change. Tomorrow comes? It's easier to just let it slide. Easier...but not the best decision.
Why? WHy? Why?
Why is this even close to being okay for me? I'm so deep into this, I don't know how to get out. So deep.
I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to change it.
For God's sake, I don't ask for much. I really don't. I'm pretty humble when it comes to what I've got and what I want. I've worked my a** off to get what I've got. I'm willing to work hard.
Why are there so many obstacles? I could've been so much more. I still could. Since I was 17, I lived my life for one thing....to make US happy. To be responsible for both of us.. Guess I was the only one doing that.
I was wrong in my previous post. I did see it coming. I just didn't want to admit it. WHo's sleeping like a baby now while I sit here stressing out? Who worries about the house and the kids and the bills and getting up for work in 4 hours? ME!
I allow myself to be the f***ing doormat. And I hate it.
I wish I could be as strong in the morning as I feel now.
Liquid courage.
Yeah, okay.
By the way, Kevin! Good to see you! I missed you too! Email me, okay?
jroach1279@hotmail.com
You were good for my soul. I could use that right now. I hope you are well. Write and update me, okay?
THat is my biggest fear. I've wasted so much time already. So much time. Over half my life. It hasn't been all bad. But it could've been so much better.
I have so many regrets. So many regrets.
And yet, I will wake up tomorrow regretting today. I will wake up 2 days from now regretting tomorrow. And on and on and on.
It's so easy to be so determined to make a change in the heat of the moment. So easy. Right now? I swear things are going to change. Tomorrow comes? It's easier to just let it slide. Easier...but not the best decision.
Why? WHy? Why?
Why is this even close to being okay for me? I'm so deep into this, I don't know how to get out. So deep.
I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to change it.
For God's sake, I don't ask for much. I really don't. I'm pretty humble when it comes to what I've got and what I want. I've worked my a** off to get what I've got. I'm willing to work hard.
Why are there so many obstacles? I could've been so much more. I still could. Since I was 17, I lived my life for one thing....to make US happy. To be responsible for both of us.. Guess I was the only one doing that.
I was wrong in my previous post. I did see it coming. I just didn't want to admit it. WHo's sleeping like a baby now while I sit here stressing out? Who worries about the house and the kids and the bills and getting up for work in 4 hours? ME!
I allow myself to be the f***ing doormat. And I hate it.
I wish I could be as strong in the morning as I feel now.
Liquid courage.
Yeah, okay.
By the way, Kevin! Good to see you! I missed you too! Email me, okay?
jroach1279@hotmail.com
You were good for my soul. I could use that right now. I hope you are well. Write and update me, okay?
Hey Jodi...I will be sending an email your way. Hang in there Kiddo,your worth it!!
Kevin
Kevin
Jodi,
A lot of us have been where you are and whined and whined till there was no one left.
Thats when we got the guts to make a change. Talking or posting about it aint gonna help.
You are the ONLY one who has the power to change this s***.
Just thank God you are healthy and don't have a loved one with a horrible illness.
I'm sorry love, but you've gotta get some balls and stop this s***
Wendy
A lot of us have been where you are and whined and whined till there was no one left.
Thats when we got the guts to make a change. Talking or posting about it aint gonna help.
You are the ONLY one who has the power to change this s***.
Just thank God you are healthy and don't have a loved one with a horrible illness.
I'm sorry love, but you've gotta get some balls and stop this s***
Wendy
Jodi:
If he didn't dance his part (complaining about you, putting you down, etc.), you couldn't dance your part (why me?, what did I do wrong?, why are all these things happening to me?, or I am horrible, I can't do anything right., etc.)
Honey, these are all such classic examples of problems that have solutions. I am sorry to say this, but it isn't very unique at all. There is help for you. This madness can stop, and relatively quickly too. You have got to surrender yourself to getting the help. You only have to make one decision, one time, and begin to do the work laid before you...and all of this can change.
Staying in this cycle is MUCH HARDER than stopping it. You cannot see that...but you can TRUST ME...I have been exactly where you are. I cannot feel your pain, nor am I suggesting you aren't entitled to it....all I am saying is that it doesn't have to be this way.
Jodi, when you go to rehab...all of the symptoms of this sick relationship will unfold through your work. The relationship is an addiction too. This is just as much a drug for you as alcohol and pills. Same thing, different name.
Jodi....when I left my ex, I was terrified. Sick, young, broke, rejected, defeated, etc....it wasn't pretty at all. I literally drug myself out of that marriage, and yes, I thought I loved my ex too. I thought I was going to hurt everyone else if I left, I thought I was disappointing others, breaking a vow, blah, blah, blah.....bulls***. The truth is, I didn't know what the hell I wanted in life. I had no clue....I just got to the point that I definitely knew that I didn't want the life that I had.
What you have is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for you. It is not filling you spiritually, financially, physically, nothing. Maybe instead of choosing something specific to leave for...you could just get clear on what you are walking away from.
Do something Jodi. It is time.
God Bless You....Peace.
Sarah
If he didn't dance his part (complaining about you, putting you down, etc.), you couldn't dance your part (why me?, what did I do wrong?, why are all these things happening to me?, or I am horrible, I can't do anything right., etc.)
Honey, these are all such classic examples of problems that have solutions. I am sorry to say this, but it isn't very unique at all. There is help for you. This madness can stop, and relatively quickly too. You have got to surrender yourself to getting the help. You only have to make one decision, one time, and begin to do the work laid before you...and all of this can change.
Staying in this cycle is MUCH HARDER than stopping it. You cannot see that...but you can TRUST ME...I have been exactly where you are. I cannot feel your pain, nor am I suggesting you aren't entitled to it....all I am saying is that it doesn't have to be this way.
Jodi, when you go to rehab...all of the symptoms of this sick relationship will unfold through your work. The relationship is an addiction too. This is just as much a drug for you as alcohol and pills. Same thing, different name.
Jodi....when I left my ex, I was terrified. Sick, young, broke, rejected, defeated, etc....it wasn't pretty at all. I literally drug myself out of that marriage, and yes, I thought I loved my ex too. I thought I was going to hurt everyone else if I left, I thought I was disappointing others, breaking a vow, blah, blah, blah.....bulls***. The truth is, I didn't know what the hell I wanted in life. I had no clue....I just got to the point that I definitely knew that I didn't want the life that I had.
What you have is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for you. It is not filling you spiritually, financially, physically, nothing. Maybe instead of choosing something specific to leave for...you could just get clear on what you are walking away from.
Do something Jodi. It is time.
God Bless You....Peace.
Sarah
Hey jodi..got your email, you've got mail back. Honey, I get the feeling that you just need to write all of this down. Because if you're looking for magic answers, you're not going to find them here. You know what you need to do. By all means, keep writing, it's good for you and helps you vent but seriously, isn't it time to put into action what it is you KNOW what you need to do? Love you girl.
Jodi,
I dont know u & I dont know him, but i do tend to believe you as what you are saying has the ring of truth.
BUT AT THIS POINT, IM NOT SURE HOW MUCH IT MATTERS. I mean, ultimately, sure it does.
BUT RIGHT NOW, REGARDLESS OF WHO IS RIGHT , WRONG, AND too bad what your family thinks, you are in trouble, and you need HELP, NOW. MORE HELP THEN THIS BOARD CAN GIVE- though keep talking to us, for we care & will do what we can.
MEANWHILE, YOU NEED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH SOME OF THE GIRLS IN YOUR AREA- IF YOU CAN.
I fear your situation might be worse then you say. I FEAR FOR YOUR SAFETY. PHYSICAL AS WELL as psycological.
In any event, even if u r not in physical danger, talking about intentional overdosing is no joke.
PLEASE GET IMMEDIATE HELP, A WOMANS SHELTER IF NECESSARY.
STEP back from the sidutation where u can see what is goinng on. You do not have to have your self stolen because someone else thinks he is a good guy.
IT WILL NOT CHANGE. IT WILL ONLY GET BETTER IF U CHANGE IT. IT TAKES GUTS, BUT IT IS THE ONLY ANSWER. get out , for a while. PLEASE.
I dont know u & I dont know him, but i do tend to believe you as what you are saying has the ring of truth.
BUT AT THIS POINT, IM NOT SURE HOW MUCH IT MATTERS. I mean, ultimately, sure it does.
BUT RIGHT NOW, REGARDLESS OF WHO IS RIGHT , WRONG, AND too bad what your family thinks, you are in trouble, and you need HELP, NOW. MORE HELP THEN THIS BOARD CAN GIVE- though keep talking to us, for we care & will do what we can.
MEANWHILE, YOU NEED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH SOME OF THE GIRLS IN YOUR AREA- IF YOU CAN.
I fear your situation might be worse then you say. I FEAR FOR YOUR SAFETY. PHYSICAL AS WELL as psycological.
In any event, even if u r not in physical danger, talking about intentional overdosing is no joke.
PLEASE GET IMMEDIATE HELP, A WOMANS SHELTER IF NECESSARY.
STEP back from the sidutation where u can see what is goinng on. You do not have to have your self stolen because someone else thinks he is a good guy.
IT WILL NOT CHANGE. IT WILL ONLY GET BETTER IF U CHANGE IT. IT TAKES GUTS, BUT IT IS THE ONLY ANSWER. get out , for a while. PLEASE.
Jodi, I am fairly new to the board, and did not totally understand your situation, but it sounds like you have a man who does not appreciate you. If you would like someone to talk to, I can be a middle man between my fiancee(a family therapist) and yourself. If you care to tell me your story, I'd love to help, if not just tell me to butt out and I wont be offended.
Judging from the fantastic support and advice I have recieved from many users in my short time here, I'm confident you are getting the same support. Just letting you know that you have another person to confide in if you need it. My email is chris38ny@yahoo.com if you would like to email me or IM me.
Also keep posting to the public here, these people rock. While I dont know the whole situation, I know its bad, and you will be in my prayers tonight. - Chris
Judging from the fantastic support and advice I have recieved from many users in my short time here, I'm confident you are getting the same support. Just letting you know that you have another person to confide in if you need it. My email is chris38ny@yahoo.com if you would like to email me or IM me.
Also keep posting to the public here, these people rock. While I dont know the whole situation, I know its bad, and you will be in my prayers tonight. - Chris
