I Don't Know What To Do...!

my dh recently got honest about his drug use, a week and alot of promises later, went out and used again this weekend.
we have been down along, dark road the last 9 years with his drinking, pot, hash, porn, and (now recently) coke addiction.
I have known that i needed to leave and had already planned to leave with our 3 little kids, in the middle of march (he still does not know what my plans are.) but I am so afraid for him. his kids are his lifeline, if i leave, i know he will do something terrible to himself.
last week when he first admitted the problem, i told him i could only agree to stay one day at a time, and it would depend on him and what would happen. When i shared that i was scared of his reaction and that if i left he would not see it comming, he said if it came to that, then HE would leave the home. I felt that i should respect him enough to give him that choice.

well he went to one NA meeting, then he slipped .
I wrote him a note the next day and told him it was best for the kids and i if he left while he worked out his recovery. I told him he could stay the week while he made arrangements to leave.
the next day, he basicly told me that he was not going to leave and that we were going to do this together. He was going to stop hanging around all his friends and go to a meeting every day if he had to. he says he cannot recover with out the support of his family. he says he will just go down, or drive in front of a truck.
last time we separated, he said that is when the coke began and he was so close to 'checking out'. He said it did not help him want to recover at all. it just made things worse.
i really believe he believes this about himself. he hates himself and thinks he is a major f#ck up as it is, because of trama in his childhood.

they have a 2 week treatment program here that he could enrole in, and i told him that that is the only way i would feel that i could take a chance of staying with him. He does not think he can take time off work, and runs the show there, and does not want the owners to loose faith in him (he just got promoted to the 'head cheese') so he is doesn't want to go that route.
I told him if i leave, his life is going to get alot worse anyway, so he should just go to them and tell them he has a problem and needs to go fix it.
now he feels like i am giving him a unlimatum and that 'ulitmatums don't work' and that if i 'force' him to go to this treatment, it probably wont work. I was just grasping at something that i could offer that i would accept as help so that i would not have to take the kids and leave in the night!
I don't think a couple meeting a week are going to do it for me at this point.


today he said he would get all the info about it tonight and think about it.

Meanwhile, my friend is driving up this weekend and took time off to take us to a transition house, if things go bad here. Meaning: he won't leave, or agree go to treatment.
I am so torn and confused.i want to belive that everything can change with a few meetings a week, but i cannot justify putting myself and kids in harms way again after all the times he said things were going to be differnt.

I am feeling like i should follow through and leave sence he did not respect my wishes and leave when he said he would, especailly if he does not agree to go to his boss and ask for the time to get well.
can anyone help me here??
any btdh? (been there done that)
please respond.



It doesn't sound like he is completely serious about his recovery. Since he told you he would attend meetings every day if he had to, has he actually done that?
You have made all the right choices for yourself and your children. Being separated from his drug using patterns does not mean you are not supporting him as he so states. You can still support him towards recovery, but if he is not actually in recovery and continues to use, then that is not recovery.
Plus with three children, you have to do what is best for them first and foremost and I think you are doing a very courageous thing in doing just that.
You are showing them that his drug using behaviours are unacceptable and that he must get help.
He seems to be almost blaming you for leaving him, but you are not responsible for him nor are you responsible for his recovery and for his not using drugs. That is all up to him and him alone. He is trying to manipulate you when he says if you go, he will harm himself or the drug use will get worse. It sounds like he may need some professional counselling to deal with his insecurity issues about himself. You are in no way responsible for his life. No one is but himself.
You have to do what is right for you and he is not in the right mind to tell you any different. You know what is best for yourself and your children.
Make sure he knows you still love and support him in his recovery, but you must get yourself and the children out of that situation for your own sakes and mental health.
He seems to only be coming up with excuses as to why he can't get help. If he was serious about recovery, he would do anything and everything he could to get help and if the bosses like him that much, I'm sure they would allow him some time off if he told them he really needed it for something personal.
My boyfriend actually did that after just starting a job. He also used that excuse with himself (that he couldn't take the time off of work because he just started the job and he couldn't risk losing it as it paid the rent), but in the end he decided he had to and told them that he had a health issue he had to take care and he asked for 2 weeks off immediately. They were fine with it and understood. And this was a job that he just started!
Have you tried Alanon or Nar-anon meetings for yourself? You may find those helpful in understanding the addict and their behaviours.
Good luck with what you decide and make sure it is whatever you are comfortable with yourself.
Peace,
Mickey
Mickey is absolutely right - he is trying to manipulate you and that is why you feel so torn. Just remember that his problem is just that - HIS and not yours. You have to think of your children and yourself only right now. He does not sound serious about his recovery because he is making all kinds of excuses to not go to rehab. He is trying to buy time with you by making false promises of going to meetings, etc. or checking out rehab, which he has no intention of carrying out. They all know how to do this. Do what you know in your heart would be the best thing for you and your children and don't let him make you feel guilty about what may happen to him. He isn't afraid to go into a bad part of town and buy drugs, is he? He could get killed any time doing that! Take a deep breath, tell yourself you have NO control over his problem or him, that your life has become unmanageable while he is around, and let go of it and give it to God. Then do whatever it takes to protect your sanity and your children's well-being. If you are upset, that makes your children upset, too. My bf has done this to me many times and I fell for it all the time. When you finally realize they are not serious, and you can't control what they do, and the only thing you really have control of is your own life, then you will know the right thing to do.
4integrity, a few observations:

negotiating or bargaining with an acitive drug addict cannot work. it is impossible. commitments are beyond their capacity.

there is nothing you can do for him. he has to do what is necessary -- and to be successful for any length of time, he has to want sobriety more than anything in this world -- even more than you and the children. even then, long term sobriety is against the odds.

your bahaviors are those of a classic enabler and co-dependent. living with him, you are acquired sickness. education and a lot of hard work on your part will return you to wellness, but it will take time.

he is manipulating you in order to control you. this is not healthy for you.

whether he uses or commits suicide is his decision. if he wants to do either of those things, there is nothing you can do to prevent them.

there is a better life for you than the existence you are currently living. but there is no quick and easy solution.

your husband is very, very sick. he has a disease. buy only he -- and he only -- can do what is necessary to get better. you cannot do it for him and you cannot "threaten" him into it. he will eventually have to come to the decision -- and this is hard to say -- but he must come to the decision of whether he wants to live or die. only he can make that decision. and he may have to fall further than he has already before he comes to decision point.

do nothing, nothing that helps him manage his life at this time. let him do it himself (as he should). it's an act of love to let him manage for himself.
well today he called his D and A counselor and met with a couple guys from NA that he phoned. he then later went to a new commers meeting.

*sigh* its so hard. when he is here i feel like i want to stay and i believe everything he is doing is going to be enough, but when he is not, I am afraid of the future and i feel like i need to run away with my kids and let him work this out on his own.

I feel like leaving him while he is at work is a really cheap shot and a low blow, but i am just so afraid for our future. I feel like i need to SEE recovery in place befor i can have faith again.
I believe that he will go to a meeting everyday......for a while....then it will taper off and then it will be once a week, then he will start seeing some of his more mellow friends...and so on..
how will i forgive myself if he does go down hill and starts using and or kills himself?? i will always wish that i had let him recover at home, then i will have to answere to my children.
I had a nervous breakdown this summer due to all the stress and physical strain of working almost full time, taking care of 3 kids 5 and under, and dealing with his addictive behaviors. I was disabled with anxiety to the point where i could not even take care of my kids. our relatives had to come and stay with us for a couple weeks to take care of things. It was absolute HELL. absolutely MY bottom. I swore that if i ever got well ( i wondered for a time) I would GET OUT and NEVER let myself get to that place again.

Well, am ready to act now, and made my plans, now he wants to 'show me' how serious he is and willing to do anything he can. I really believe he believes it is very different for him this time, but i don't know if he can follow through.
i feel like if i don't leave, then i am failing myself and my kids BIG TIME.
But what if he really can do it at home here like he is planning?

He said to me "what if i dropped you off at a institution when you were having your break down, and said ',' call me when you are better"

I didn't know what to say, but i did feel like he had somewhat of a point. I needed TONS of help and support to get through the worst of my anxiety, and it made a huge difference when he was there to be supportive.
just some of my thoughts..

thank you all for your responses, you are all helping me so much! I really didn't think i was THAT much of an enabler, but maybe i am.
I appreciate all your wisdom and imput. keep it comming.
btw he said that leaving work will NOT work, because all the production in the plant will shut down because he is the only one who can do all the tasks required there.

he's playing on your sympathy, being totally selfish. he can recover by himself if he wants recovery. there's nothing you can do to help him recover. what he's telling you is a bunch of bull.

he can get away from work to recover. nobody is that important. none of us are indispensible. partilcularly if his life and family are at stake.

do what you have to do for you and your children. if you don't have your health, you can't be there for those little ones.

well, i don't mean to defend him or anything, but he is the ONLY trainned person able to make the product in this little plant where he works and he has a helper. he does all the management, ordering and shippin/recieving. The place really would have to shut down if he was gone. i don't know if he would loose his job over this. I am just trying to be reasonable here....

He thinks this is tottaly unreasonable sence he just bought a car and only have his income.
I have plans to go on welfare so ...I am not so worried about us..
Ugh! welfare. I can't believe i will have to go on welfare ! well its better than starving!!

if he keeps it up, he'll lose his job eventually.

he won't be able to function satisfactorily.

if it's bad at home, it's bad at work.

if he is serious about recovery this time, your answer may be that he live in a halfway house until he has some recovery time behind him. living there is pretty inexpensive and he'll really get the support that he needs for recovery.

even 3 to 6 months.
Morning!

You wrote:

"He said to me "what if i dropped you off at a institution when you were having your break down, and said ',' call me when you are better"

I didn't know what to say, but i did feel like he had somewhat of a point. I needed TONS of help and support to get through the worst of my anxiety, and it made a huge difference when he was there to be supportive.
just some of my thoughts.."

Why were you suffering from this emotional turmoil and anxiety? Was it not because of your reaction to his behaviours in the first place? Of course he was super supportive and helpful. He knew it was mostly because of him and his addiction. If you continue living with his addiction, you will again find yourself in that predicament once again. And trust me, your kids are suffering from living in this situation as well and will continue to do so if nothing changes.

Of course he doesn't want you to leave because that would mean he would have to take responsibility for himself and that's the last thing that he wants to do. For one, he may realize that he will have to actually stop the drug using. He will say and do anything to save that for himself.

You have every right to leave and see if he is actually serious about his recovery this time. Because you are right - if he isn't, it is you and the kids who are going to suffer the most in the end. And being away could really help that suffering for all of you's.

BEING OUT OF THE HOUSE DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU CANNOT SUPPORT HIM IF HE CHOOSES RECOVERY!!! You can still support him and love him. It just means that you are protecting yourself and your children if he is not serious about it. And he may not be as serious about it if you are there. He can still "prove himself" if you are not living there. He is still trying to manipulate you and forcing some of the responsibility for his recovery on you and he has to realize that the full responsbility of his recovery has to be with him and him alone.

You have to do what you feel is necessary for your health and the children's health, both mental and physical because the mental will affect the physical. Stress can do funny things to your health.

Do not let him manipulate and control what you do. His thinking patterns are all about him and his needs and wants. He's not thinking at all about yours or the children's. You have to.

Keep posting and letting us know the progress of the situation.
Take care,
Mickey