My sponsor is still drinking. I really don't know how to react. I keep in contact with him and tell him I am here for him and all that but in reality I am angry and even embarrassed over what he has done. I had nothing but praise for him for my family and kids at the wedding and here on the board as well.I feel like he has let me down. It has also really opened up my eyes to how cunning and baffling this disease really is. He told me last night he will stop today but he told me that the last 3 nights so my expectations are low. I really am at a loss. He was there for me through my bad times and I want to be there for him but at the same time I am disgusted at what he's done and is still doing. I want to shake some sense in him. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Maybe I looked up to him too much and put him on a pedestal when I shouldn't have. He is human with a disease of the mind and body and he was only the same as me living one day at a time. Maybe I expected too much. I worry over him. I think the world of him and yet I could just pound the crap out of him. I even feel like giving him back his 6 month medallion that he gave me when I had been sober for 6 months. It meant so much to me because it was originally his and he wanted me to have it and I admired him so much and was so proud to accept it. Maybe this is God's will for me and you guys here on the board to realize how easy it is to go back to the hell that we have gotten out of it. I don't know. I can ask myself why a thousand times but I guess the only answer I can come up with is he has a disease and it has once again overpowered him and we are all at risk for that. If anything is to be learned from this it is to know that we should never take our sobriety for granted it is so easily lost. I do know I will not drink over this if anything it has made me hate booze and the damage it can do even more.I do however feel like my training wheels has been taken away and now I have to learn on my own. i don't want another sponsor. I couldn't start all over with a new one. All I know is it sucks ,it hurts and I am at a loss to what I should do. God bless all and take care and please please ya all stay sober.
Gidday Pirate
What about all that is happening with your sponsor is rattling you most?
Im sure that it will be the fear that indeed alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful you have just seen this in regards to your sponsors drinking.
You can still help him by being a support and maybe going to a meeting together. Talk with him about the build up to him drinking and how it eventuated.
As for the sponsor issue i dont really qualify to answer because i dont have a sponsor, i would say the trust bond is gone and maybe it is time for you to find a new sponsor and talk it through with them about how you are doing etc maybe even tell them to read your posts, also if there is a woman sponsor available i would lean towards that angle, sometimes a step backwards is really a leap forward and there is some powerful learning to see from all this
light and love Zac
What about all that is happening with your sponsor is rattling you most?
Im sure that it will be the fear that indeed alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful you have just seen this in regards to your sponsors drinking.
You can still help him by being a support and maybe going to a meeting together. Talk with him about the build up to him drinking and how it eventuated.
As for the sponsor issue i dont really qualify to answer because i dont have a sponsor, i would say the trust bond is gone and maybe it is time for you to find a new sponsor and talk it through with them about how you are doing etc maybe even tell them to read your posts, also if there is a woman sponsor available i would lean towards that angle, sometimes a step backwards is really a leap forward and there is some powerful learning to see from all this
light and love Zac
Hi there Zac. I don't know what is rattling me the most. I think it has to do with my trust issues of people. I find it so difficult to trust and it seems everytime I let my guard down and start to trust some one I get let down. I think most people are just pretenders doing what is expected of them or lying to themselves pretending to be what they would like to be. I don't know all I know is I am so angry and I really feel like a fool because he's been sneaking drinks for a while now and at the same time advising me so every word that came from his mouth was a lie. There are no women sponsors here nor meetings and there are no women sponsors in the town I go to where I met my sponsor. That is why I ended up with a man as a sponsor. I really do think the world of him and maybe that is why I feel the way I do. I don't know I just don't know. Thank you for reading my post.
Also it makes me angry that he came to my sons wedding and he was sneaking drinks at the wedding going back in his room (the wedding was at a hotel) to drink on the sly. and at same time I was introducing him to everyone telling them and t who he was and how much he has done for me and my kids were so proud to meet the one who has helped there mom so much. My friend even gave him a card and wrote a letter to him telling how much she appreciated him for without him I probably would not be here today and how glad she was to have him in my life.All the while he was there and drinking. Of course now he has gone over the edge with his drinking..too drunk to talk to the last few times I spoke to him. Now I had to tell my family and friends what he has done and I feel like a fool. I feel every word that came from his mouth was a lie during the 2 days he was here. Yeah Zac it is trust or maybe I should say lack of it again.
Gidday Pirate
You arent the fool but maybe you are angry because of what you told others and now this has happened maybe you are angry because of what you are thinking others are thinking of the situation and what has happened.
Dont let any of this take away any of the hard work you have done with your sponsor in the past, be grateful and remember there but for the grace of god go i.
Your sponsor has just shown you that alcoholism is patient and instead of talking he drank and when the guilt of his situation got to much and the desire for drinking to strong, he drank more openly
I am positive that out of this will come good for you, it may not happen at the speed you would like but it will happen and i am talking in regards to the sponsor issue, be there for your sponsor as a support if it is wanted not when he is drunk but when he is sober
light and love Zac
You arent the fool but maybe you are angry because of what you told others and now this has happened maybe you are angry because of what you are thinking others are thinking of the situation and what has happened.
Dont let any of this take away any of the hard work you have done with your sponsor in the past, be grateful and remember there but for the grace of god go i.
Your sponsor has just shown you that alcoholism is patient and instead of talking he drank and when the guilt of his situation got to much and the desire for drinking to strong, he drank more openly
I am positive that out of this will come good for you, it may not happen at the speed you would like but it will happen and i am talking in regards to the sponsor issue, be there for your sponsor as a support if it is wanted not when he is drunk but when he is sober
light and love Zac
Also it makes me angry that he came to my sons wedding and he was sneaking drinks at the wedding going back in his room (the wedding was at a hotel) to drink on the sly.
That's what alcoholics do, hon. Let it go. It's not your problem. You part is to learn love and compassion out of this. If he were a cancer patient in remission and his cancer returned how would you feel. This is the same thing. We have a disease. It doesn't go away. It goes in remission. Pray for him.
One of the reasons we have a support group is for instances just like this. If your sponsor goes out we need to have others to turn to. Try to get some women's phone numbers and make some new friends.
smooches
That's what alcoholics do, hon. Let it go. It's not your problem. You part is to learn love and compassion out of this. If he were a cancer patient in remission and his cancer returned how would you feel. This is the same thing. We have a disease. It doesn't go away. It goes in remission. Pray for him.
One of the reasons we have a support group is for instances just like this. If your sponsor goes out we need to have others to turn to. Try to get some women's phone numbers and make some new friends.
smooches
Hi - new at this so I hope I can offer some support..I did the same thing after 17 months of sobriety - I went back out - slowly at first then of course back to the old way - I was going to meetings and being asked to share and being told how much I seemed to have grown in the program - some people told me I was inspiring - I was truly sharing what I believed at the moment - but then would get drunk later - all that I was saying in the meetings were not lies, but maybe a way of me desperately trying to hang on to what the program meant to me when I was doing the work and not what I was living at the moment. I know I let people down with my lies but also knew that they were there to love me when I did get honest and begin again. Please just show love and support - carefully of course with this person - pray this person will find there way back and then use the relapse and the return to the horros of the old way of life to build an even better more honest program like I am trying to do. I think back to the anger I must have caused in people who say me get it and then go back out and prayed the the love tolerance and openmindedness we learn in this program would allow me to return and grow even stronger. It takes what it takes and each journey is our own - think of the positive things you learned from this person and how much you were taught and use that if and when that person returns to the program to help. I will keep you in my thoughts and thank you for being honest with how another persons relapse affected you. Makes me rrealize that all my actions do affect others and will give me yet another reason to let God run my life and help my ego stay the hell out of the way.
thank you all for your posts.A lot of understanding in them all. Mary thank you telling me about your relapse. I appreciate it. Zac you were dead on in your posts about me thinking about what others are thinking.I have ping pong balls too ya know lol. Kat your email was total and brutal honesty and thanks so much for it:) . I needed it. I can't let this interfere with how far I have come in regards to anything in my recovery even the trust issues I seem to go back to so swiftly. I will be there for him but like Zac said when he's sober. He wasn't making too much sense anyway when I was trying to talk to him drunk. I realize more than ever the power of this disease and I learned that we are all alike no matter how much sobriety time we have in.I have to say this is quite an eye opener for me. No one and I mean no one is immune to a relapse. One day at a time all one day at a time and but for the Grace of God go I?
pirate,
1. It isn't your problem.
2. Get yourself over to the Families and Friends board, because you need to hear some things.
3. Your feelings remind me of what you said about the drunk woman you saw and your reaction to her. Zac wrote above about fear.....of course we're afraid at times, and that can be healthy, but it can make us recoilfrom/resent/attack people for things that we are really recoilingfrom/are afraid of/are attacking in ourselves. THAT'S all we can change - what's inside ourselves and what we're doing about it, NOT who we see it in whenever we see it outside of ourselves.
4. I wonder if what happened at the wedding is too close to what happened at the other wedding for you to be able keep the emotions about breach of trust and being let down apart?....after all, your sponsor didn't "let you down", did he? He wasn't fighting the disease for you, he was fighting it for himself, just as you need to fight it for yourself and nobody else. Because your're worth it.
You;ve got lots going on in there at the moment Marie....my guess is that if you focus on your task and channel your energy and all the learning you can get from this into getting closer and closer to who you are and becoming who you want to be, one day you might look back and value the experience. Won't it be nice if you can do that with this man over a cup of tea in many years' time.
I'm off to make one for myself.
Love,
Martin
oh, just to add....great line from Batman begins.....Father to little boy who fell and hurt himself.....
"Why do we fall down? So that we can learn to get up again."
Human beings, dontcha' love 'em?
1. It isn't your problem.
2. Get yourself over to the Families and Friends board, because you need to hear some things.
3. Your feelings remind me of what you said about the drunk woman you saw and your reaction to her. Zac wrote above about fear.....of course we're afraid at times, and that can be healthy, but it can make us recoilfrom/resent/attack people for things that we are really recoilingfrom/are afraid of/are attacking in ourselves. THAT'S all we can change - what's inside ourselves and what we're doing about it, NOT who we see it in whenever we see it outside of ourselves.
4. I wonder if what happened at the wedding is too close to what happened at the other wedding for you to be able keep the emotions about breach of trust and being let down apart?....after all, your sponsor didn't "let you down", did he? He wasn't fighting the disease for you, he was fighting it for himself, just as you need to fight it for yourself and nobody else. Because your're worth it.
You;ve got lots going on in there at the moment Marie....my guess is that if you focus on your task and channel your energy and all the learning you can get from this into getting closer and closer to who you are and becoming who you want to be, one day you might look back and value the experience. Won't it be nice if you can do that with this man over a cup of tea in many years' time.
I'm off to make one for myself.
Love,
Martin
oh, just to add....great line from Batman begins.....Father to little boy who fell and hurt himself.....
"Why do we fall down? So that we can learn to get up again."
Human beings, dontcha' love 'em?
Marie,
~~This too shall pass~~
I like that...I also like what Ms. Katbird said the other day about not making your sponsor your HP...reach out to your HP, Marie and ask for the direction and ask for him to help you forgive....
From what I've read and the way I read it, it's almost like something is trying to surface in you and maybe you're fighting it? Pride and ego? Hidden reservations? Trust in your HP? For me, after I had faith in my HP, God it has turned to trust but it took time...so may I ask you if maybe it's actually your HP who you have a hard time trusting? Maybe, it is as simple as your sponser wasn't done yet and he drank. It has absolutely nothing to do with you as you do not have the power to keep somebody sober nor make somebody drink...
And here's my suggestion and knowing my BFF, she probably said something similar in her email?
Go get another sponsor and I understand it's not that easy for you but it is simple. Call up your Central office like you did last time, tell them your sponsor relapsed and you need another. Marie, you need a sponsor...too many times I've seen you waiver on this board and it's not time yet for you to fly "alone" so make the phone call. If they can't get you one right away, then maybe you should ask Kathi until you can find one.
Remember, above everything else, don't drink over it and that God puts people into our life for a purpose and thank your HP, for giving you your sponsor for as long as he did and move on....Keep it simple and don't take it personally....
(((hugs))))
Stacey
~~This too shall pass~~
| QUOTE |
| after all, your sponsor didn't "let you down", did he? He wasn't fighting the disease for you, he was fighting it for himself, just as you need to fight it for yourself and nobody else. Because your're worth it. |
I like that...I also like what Ms. Katbird said the other day about not making your sponsor your HP...reach out to your HP, Marie and ask for the direction and ask for him to help you forgive....
From what I've read and the way I read it, it's almost like something is trying to surface in you and maybe you're fighting it? Pride and ego? Hidden reservations? Trust in your HP? For me, after I had faith in my HP, God it has turned to trust but it took time...so may I ask you if maybe it's actually your HP who you have a hard time trusting? Maybe, it is as simple as your sponser wasn't done yet and he drank. It has absolutely nothing to do with you as you do not have the power to keep somebody sober nor make somebody drink...
And here's my suggestion and knowing my BFF, she probably said something similar in her email?
Go get another sponsor and I understand it's not that easy for you but it is simple. Call up your Central office like you did last time, tell them your sponsor relapsed and you need another. Marie, you need a sponsor...too many times I've seen you waiver on this board and it's not time yet for you to fly "alone" so make the phone call. If they can't get you one right away, then maybe you should ask Kathi until you can find one.
Remember, above everything else, don't drink over it and that God puts people into our life for a purpose and thank your HP, for giving you your sponsor for as long as he did and move on....Keep it simple and don't take it personally....
(((hugs))))
Stacey
Hi all. thank you for the replies. 24 Gordon I don't think anything is trying to surface although you are probably seeing it more objectively than me. I think if anything it was fear and lack of control of not being able to do something. Like I said before in my other post,I think a lot of my sponsor. Then when this happened it really did shock me and things began spiraling out of control.Also fear for myself because it brought home the cold hard fact to me that there is no cure ever and that is scary.Maybe I was becoming too comfortable with my sobriety and a bit too snug in thinking that I had it all conquered. So to know that no matter what we accomplish and how far we come or how long we've been sober we still remain sick people. I truly have learned what the one day at a time phrase really means. Besides I have to analyze everything to death. I always want to know the reason why for everything. I was talking to him a few minutes ago and he has been sober today which I am very glad of. His sister is staying with him for a few days. He is a bit jittery and stuff but assured me he will be ok. I pray to God that he will get pass this. I will stand by him and do what I can to help make things easier for him.Thank ya all. Have a great sober weekend!
Marie,
Just a thought about your comment that alcoholics are sick people.......don't get me wrong, I think I have been sick...I think my thoughts, assumptions and feelings about myself and how the world works have been distorted. I think it led me to self-medicate without even knowing I was sick, let alone that I was self-medicating. I think all of that was outside of my awareness, and is called denial although for me it was so complete that the word denial doesn't feel profound enough....it was like being unable to see my nose....I really COULDN''T see it....that's how it was for me....
But I don't think I'm a sick person. I don't think alcoholics are sick people....I CAN change my thoughts, feelings assumptions and so I CAN change my actions and I can decide not to have that one drink. NOW it IS in my power to say no to alcohol.
And so long as I don't drink, and so long as I work on the issues that led me to drink, I am becoming well and as I am meant to be.
If I am allergic to wheat and don't eat it, am I a sick person?
I don't think so.
But if I eat it KNOWING it will make me ill, then I think I must be suffering from something at that time, some sickness in my heart or mind or soul....at that time.
So maybe it's a very small distinction, but I don't think recovering alcoholics are sick, just at grave risk if we allow ourselves to think sick thoughts.
Just mho
Be well and happy.
Martin
Just a thought about your comment that alcoholics are sick people.......don't get me wrong, I think I have been sick...I think my thoughts, assumptions and feelings about myself and how the world works have been distorted. I think it led me to self-medicate without even knowing I was sick, let alone that I was self-medicating. I think all of that was outside of my awareness, and is called denial although for me it was so complete that the word denial doesn't feel profound enough....it was like being unable to see my nose....I really COULDN''T see it....that's how it was for me....
But I don't think I'm a sick person. I don't think alcoholics are sick people....I CAN change my thoughts, feelings assumptions and so I CAN change my actions and I can decide not to have that one drink. NOW it IS in my power to say no to alcohol.
And so long as I don't drink, and so long as I work on the issues that led me to drink, I am becoming well and as I am meant to be.
If I am allergic to wheat and don't eat it, am I a sick person?
I don't think so.
But if I eat it KNOWING it will make me ill, then I think I must be suffering from something at that time, some sickness in my heart or mind or soul....at that time.
So maybe it's a very small distinction, but I don't think recovering alcoholics are sick, just at grave risk if we allow ourselves to think sick thoughts.
Just mho
Be well and happy.
Martin
Pirate, it's great that you can be so honest about how this has bothered you...you admitted to feelings that others might not have. All I want to say in regards to your sponsor is that a pedestal is a really hard place to keep your balance...they wobble, and sometimes things fall and break. I will hope for his sake that he can put it back together again....
Peace~MomNMore
PS Loved your idea about the summer Christmas party...so glad it went the way you wanted.
Peace~MomNMore
PS Loved your idea about the summer Christmas party...so glad it went the way you wanted.
Hey there martin. certainly a thought provoking post.of course I am not gonna take it the wrong way. I enjoy good conversation and thought provoking topics. Actually I don't really know how to answer it. I certainly can't debate your points because I agree with most of them but on the other hand alcoholism is a disease. To me a disease means some sort of sickness. So if I have a disease that can't be cured doesn't that make me a sick person to some degree.? It has been said that alcoholism is a sickness that is why we cannot stop drinking when we start. If that is the case then we remain sick but free of the symptoms by abstaining from alcohol. Maybe someone can enlighten me more. I am willing to learn anything that will help me maintain my sobriety even though at this point and time I have no desire to drink but I know from this experience with my sponsor that it can change in a heartbeat or with one bend of the elbow. Page 85 of the BB states that we are not cured of alcoholism. what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. So if we are not sick how come we cannot be cured?If we were not sick there would be no need of a cure. As I said before I analyze things to death and your post certainly got me thinking. Thanks. Have a good weekend and God bless and take care. ((((( ))))
Thanks Marie,
It's just how I see it at the moment, that's all. Just another way of looking at it.
I don't think there's a universal "Truth" out there about it (or about much, life's a bit of a mystery lol), I think what matters is that I do my best to find what works for me and you find what works for you. I think that's why we keep sharing - so that we can try on different ideas and see what we feel helps.
Have a brilliant day!
Martin
It's just how I see it at the moment, that's all. Just another way of looking at it.
I don't think there's a universal "Truth" out there about it (or about much, life's a bit of a mystery lol), I think what matters is that I do my best to find what works for me and you find what works for you. I think that's why we keep sharing - so that we can try on different ideas and see what we feel helps.
Have a brilliant day!
Martin
Thanks for the post momnmore. sometimes I feel like I am whining but I get these feelings and now that I don't drown them with booze I have to express them if you know what I mean. Before I would not say and drink it away.now it's like I have to get it out and for someone to tell me if what I am feeling is right or not. my therapist tells me there is no right or wrong to feelings they are just that... feelings and it's ok to have them so now I sorta go with the flow and I allow myself to feel. Yeah Christmas in summer was a lot of fun lol. Hey we might be crazy but it keeps us from going insane right? lol . Have a great weekend! God bless and take care.
