Someone please help me. My son is so lost and I don't know what to do. I'm so scared! He's doing drugs, found some homeless guy that he's been hanging with.I know they say he has to hit bottom but how do I let go? I cant! He's my son! He struggle so much. He's in so much pain. I can't abandoned him! Someone please please help me!
Call your local Nar-Anon group and get to their meetings.
They will be in your phone book or on-line at http://www.nar-anon.org/
Click on "Find A Meeting"
All the best.
Bob R
They will be in your phone book or on-line at http://www.nar-anon.org/
Click on "Find A Meeting"
All the best.
Bob R
Hi brokenhearted
I am really sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. I have a 14 year old son that is out of control, he unfortunately has ADHD and has been caught drinking and smoking. Drugs terrifies me and I am scared. I also know the feeling of being addicted, I am 3 months clean of a very big codeine addiction. The pills made me feel calm and happy, but I knew I had to come off, it was a living hell for a couple of weeks. What got me through was willpower but mostly my family, but you have to want to stop. Can you talk to your son? Does he fly off the handle? Is there family support?
I myself are so tempted to go and get some codeine at the moment as my life is incredibly stressful at the moment. Mostly due to my son and his behaviour etc. But I am determined not to go to the chemist. I hope you can find the best why of dealing with this problem. Like the last person said I would try an addiction support group for advice. All the best. Nick.
I am really sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. I have a 14 year old son that is out of control, he unfortunately has ADHD and has been caught drinking and smoking. Drugs terrifies me and I am scared. I also know the feeling of being addicted, I am 3 months clean of a very big codeine addiction. The pills made me feel calm and happy, but I knew I had to come off, it was a living hell for a couple of weeks. What got me through was willpower but mostly my family, but you have to want to stop. Can you talk to your son? Does he fly off the handle? Is there family support?
I myself are so tempted to go and get some codeine at the moment as my life is incredibly stressful at the moment. Mostly due to my son and his behaviour etc. But I am determined not to go to the chemist. I hope you can find the best why of dealing with this problem. Like the last person said I would try an addiction support group for advice. All the best. Nick.
As parents, I think we have to hit some form of rock bottom too.
I am new in this forum and learning so much. Read the stories here. It will help.
One thing I will say is, don't ignore it hoping it will go away. But also read about enabling.
I am new in this forum and learning so much. Read the stories here. It will help.
One thing I will say is, don't ignore it hoping it will go away. But also read about enabling.
Dear Brokenhearted,
It does more than just break our hearts to see our loved ones battling life with a drug that sucks the soul right out of them. I scrolled down the other day on this forum and found a previous letter from a woman who wrote the most knowledgable information on how she learned to deal with her daughters addiction. It helped me A lot!!! I'm hoping it will help you. It was written back in 2012 by a woman Momnmore.. here goes:
By: Momnmore,
"Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her.
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God...
It does more than just break our hearts to see our loved ones battling life with a drug that sucks the soul right out of them. I scrolled down the other day on this forum and found a previous letter from a woman who wrote the most knowledgable information on how she learned to deal with her daughters addiction. It helped me A lot!!! I'm hoping it will help you. It was written back in 2012 by a woman Momnmore.. here goes:
By: Momnmore,
"Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her.
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God...
I think all of us parents of drug addicts come to this board with the same plea.
"Help ME. MY Child is a drug addict'..
There is help for you Brokenhearted, posting here and getting your thoughts out helps and Nar Anon meetings will give you the tools you need to deal with this. Find a meeting and go.
But as far as your son goes, there is nothing YOU can do for him until he chooses to get sober. It has to be his choice.
I don't think you're ready to hear this yet because you're still in the "mom can fix this" mode, but we can't make them want to get sober. Only he can make the choice to do that.
hugs, L We've all been there and know what you're going through.
"Help ME. MY Child is a drug addict'..
There is help for you Brokenhearted, posting here and getting your thoughts out helps and Nar Anon meetings will give you the tools you need to deal with this. Find a meeting and go.
But as far as your son goes, there is nothing YOU can do for him until he chooses to get sober. It has to be his choice.
I don't think you're ready to hear this yet because you're still in the "mom can fix this" mode, but we can't make them want to get sober. Only he can make the choice to do that.
hugs, L We've all been there and know what you're going through.
