My boyfriend of about a year now has had terrible anxiety issues his entire life. These stem from childhood trauma that have compounded with extreme depression. I love him very deeply because despite this he manages to be the most inspirational person I know. He is a very talented writer and artist. He is 27 years old and I am the only girl he has dated who hasn't dumped him within a month. His parents have been supporting him for a while, after a suicide attempt that happened when he was in college. I see him as a strong and talented person whose sensitivity for human life leaves him crippled and helpless. Yet he has so much to offer the world. I find myself in a position where no matter how much I believe in him and try to help him get healthy every effort is co-opted into a self-destructive schema. When he went through a drinking phase, his violent behavior forced me to leave for sheer physical well-being. Afterwards he sobered up completely, with a beer or two maybe once a week. But as a result, he turned to pills to deal with the sobriety. He convinced me that it was a form of self-medication. Which I still feel at first was in a way ok. His depression and anxiety almost disappeared completely. he moved out of his parents house and got a license to teach. But as soon as he did, he started getting shakes at night. I learned after he confessed to his parents that he had been shooting dope given to him by his pill dealers. They took him to rehab, and I watched him destroy his supply when he got out. Not long after I knew he was buying pills again. I ignored it until last night he called me from the er saying he was given something bad that made him sick and he was scared. I was so scared at first my first instinct as always was to jump in a taxi and get to his side. But then I decided to not. I could tell from the way he was talking, that he was in no real danger, and that he deserved to be scared. I grew up with a drug infested family and i know how dangerous it is to play that drug. He had me convinced that he was in complete control with the pills and he would never shoot again. I see him at a point where he is not totally lost to addiction, but he seems to play around with it like a kid. How do I convince him that he is no exception? That this will control his life no matter why or how he uses it? When I try to express this to him, he feels lectured, and says I don't understand. He sets it up that the only way I can support him is to not pay it any mind when he is in control, and to drop everything and go through the pain and fear when he loses it. I am determined to stay with him and support him, but how do I do that without enabling him?
Dear Confused,
You are powerless over someone else's addiciton. Your story is very common - loving people seek the precise words, spoken in the perfect tone, and at the perfect time so that the addict just "gets it".
For you I suggest Al Anon or NAR Anon.
Your loved ones addiction, and recovery, are his. It is up to him whether he has "had enough" and decide to turn toward a sober way of living.
The best thing you can do is be as healty as possible. Al Anon or NAR Anon will be of great value in this regard.
I hope this helps. There are real good people on this message board. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Flyboy
You are powerless over someone else's addiciton. Your story is very common - loving people seek the precise words, spoken in the perfect tone, and at the perfect time so that the addict just "gets it".
For you I suggest Al Anon or NAR Anon.
Your loved ones addiction, and recovery, are his. It is up to him whether he has "had enough" and decide to turn toward a sober way of living.
The best thing you can do is be as healty as possible. Al Anon or NAR Anon will be of great value in this regard.
I hope this helps. There are real good people on this message board. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Flyboy
I AM A MASTER ENABLER. I am sicker than the addict mother of my daughter. I actually tell myselfiI'm not enabling as she sleeps on my couch 3 days into WD's. I brought her home so she's more comfortable. This has not been her home since our daughter was born and she lost custody. Just like she can look like the innocent teenager , inside a helpless addict. Me ( much older) mysterious , smart , resourceful charmer, inside an emotionally weak co-dependent. Perfect match for a movie maybe. Getting closer to living my own life and getting myself in recovery. She can do the same or ?. Only way I can be a good Dad is to become a better ,me alone.
I'm a enable. The mother of a 24 year old son who's an addict. Been dealing with his addiction for 7 years. He has 3 children with an addict mother. They signed their rights away to her mother who now has custody. Last year Nov 11 she gave birth to my granddaughter induced by smoking crack. I turned them in to child protection and had all children removed from their care. He hated me and now he's back in my home trying to get on his feet. He's been here 11 days and back on crack ...pills u name it. I told him tonite he has to leave I can't help him anymore.he threatened to kill himself..but I never relented. Your posts here have helped me make that decision plus the fact that I had a break down at my job sobbing uncontrollable. I must take care of me now and stop helping him kill himself. I realize now I cannot fix him .. my grandchildren are my focus they deserve a happy life without the chaos in their lives. My sons an addict but I'm no longer enabler. I pray for him and leave in gods hands now
Dear Confused,Your boyfriend feels lectured, he doesn't want you to pay any attention when he's in control,and when he loses control he wants you to jump and be there for him.....sounds like the only thing he's trying to have control over is you....He wants a puppet on a string.....He is not in control he self medicated himself on numerous occasions,he has injected narcotics. ..You had to leave on a previous occasion as you feared of physical harm....read you post line by line ....if this was any other person writing this would you say this is a healthy relationship? I am sorry but I would not be in a realtionship as the one you described....You need to figure out why you are setting standards so low for yourself in a mate......why do you want to ride the roller coaster one day good one day bad one day straight one day high...You need to put space between the two of you. .you are not helping him...You are insuring him he has a fall back guy.
.he needs to realize his use and his actions will not be tolerated nor excepted....You are young concentrate on yourself ...if he chooses to get better and get help maybe you can work on something in the future. ..but today walk over to the drawer open it up take out the pair of scissors and cut the puppet strings...hop off the roller coaster and start looking out for you,and figure out why you want this nonsense in your life. YOU cannot convince him that he is experimenting like a kid, he already knows he is a addict....He needs help he needs to admit he is an addict and he needs counseling as he has tried to commit suicide previously and has bouts of anger issues. ..He will never change as you are willing to stay and hang in there with him....You may not like what occurs but you are enabling cause the puppet is still there....it isn't going to get better....make it clear your not going to lecture him he's a grown man...but on the other hand you to are grown and you are not going to allow this to be a part of your life anymore.....and be firm about it....his reaction will show you where you stand....He isn't ready to address his problems...so you change your address ....move out and focus on you.
.he needs to realize his use and his actions will not be tolerated nor excepted....You are young concentrate on yourself ...if he chooses to get better and get help maybe you can work on something in the future. ..but today walk over to the drawer open it up take out the pair of scissors and cut the puppet strings...hop off the roller coaster and start looking out for you,and figure out why you want this nonsense in your life. YOU cannot convince him that he is experimenting like a kid, he already knows he is a addict....He needs help he needs to admit he is an addict and he needs counseling as he has tried to commit suicide previously and has bouts of anger issues. ..He will never change as you are willing to stay and hang in there with him....You may not like what occurs but you are enabling cause the puppet is still there....it isn't going to get better....make it clear your not going to lecture him he's a grown man...but on the other hand you to are grown and you are not going to allow this to be a part of your life anymore.....and be firm about it....his reaction will show you where you stand....He isn't ready to address his problems...so you change your address ....move out and focus on you.
